Edited: On average, what's normal?

[Serap]

We have 2 kids. But they are not involved in our sex life so I didn’t mention them.

smarty pants!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I want to add to this as well. I haven’t been here as long as some but I have enjoyed your posts. My impression of you is a faith filled woman who is levelheaded and wise. But I also have another impression. And that is one of your husband. I don’t know you or him, nor is my impression based on any sort of fact at all. But we should always be careful when we vent in public like this. Think of the impression you give of your man, your husband, yourself because he is a part of you, you are one.
I’m not telling you that you have badmouthed someone or even that you shouldn’t or don’t have a right to vent here. But just be careful.
Please please please, don’t be offended.

Thank you. I do not want this thread to be about me, so I am not going to respond, but please rest assured, you did not offend me in any way. If I was the type to be offended, I wouldn’t even be on the internet!



I need to take a break.

 

[Sillara]

you have no kids?..sex is better then…

Not necessarily. There does not have to be any connection between having children and not having sex, unless you LET there be a connection.

We have six children.

And more sex – and better sex – now than when we were first married and had none. We have had 15 years of practice, you see.

 

[Serap]

Not necessarily. There does not have to be any connection between having children and not having sex, unless you LET there be a connection.

We have six children.

And more sex – and better sex – now than when we were first married and had none. We have had 15 years of practice, you see.

well I can definitely say that sex was WAY better b4 we had kids…

our youngest is 2 and so I’m sure once he’s around 3.5 he won’t require so much attention.

 

[mwncheesehead]

Very Funny!!

My husband and I rarely have sex. I never initiate, it just was something I was never comfortable in doing. We only make love maybe 3-4 times a year. He really let himself go after we got married and is now obese. I think it has hurt his sex drive a lot, and I know it has hurt my desire to have sex with him. Its amazing that we have as many kids as we do, 5, expecting the 6th early September, considering how little we make love. It has hurt our relationship though. I confess, I have turned to masturbation at times to satisfy my desires, even though I know it is a mortal sin. Someday, when I am in full communion with the church, I’ll have lots to confess to my priest.

So many things are sad about your post…sorry. Get to confession sooner rather than later because the graces from the sacraments are what sustain us during the difficult times. Masturbation’s a horrible thing and the sooner it’s weeded out, the better. But I’m sorry you’ve had to turn to masturbation because of a lack of activity in your marriage bed.

 

[fbl9]

Sorry, the poll didn’t print my whole question:

On average during the month how often do you and your spouse have sex during the month? (Not allowing for fertile time since some people may abstain)

The world has such a warped view of things, I’d really like to know what “normal” is, so How often do you have sex during the month?

Since I had the option for multiple choice, I thought I’d also ask about desire, and length of marriage, just to give a little extra helpful information. Hope this poll is helpful to you, I know it will be to me!

hey i could have voted for frequency but you didn’t have a 000 but i did get to vote for time spent

 

[tsunami7]

it varies. average 2-3 times. only been married 2 years. makes me feel depressed sometimes.

 

[Sillara]

well I can definitely say that sex was WAY better b4 we had kids…

our youngest is 2 and so I’m sure once he’s around 3.5 he won’t require so much attention.

Our youngest is also 2.

For us, I still say that our sex now is better than before children.

I have started, just for fun, tracking the number of times we have sex, and after the summer (where our average was still in the around 20 times range) we hit 30 times in October. I am hoping for the same in November!

 

[tsunami7]

Our youngest is also 2.

For us, I still say that our sex now is better than before children.

I have started, just for fun, tracking the number of times we have sex, and after the summer (where our average was still in the around 20 times range) we hit 30 times in October. I am hoping for the same in November!

how do you do 30 times w/ nfp?

 

[Sillara]

how do you do 30 times w/ nfp?

Multiple times on some days, and … not really caring if I get pregnant.

We have six children, and to be honest, seven wouldn’t make a big difference. However, my reproductive health is currently very poor. We are not THAT likely to conceive, and we wouldn’t be too fussed if we did.

 

[tsunami7]

Multiple times on some days, and … not really caring if I get pregnant.

We have six children, and to be honest, seven wouldn’t make a big difference. However, my reproductive health is currently very poor. We are not THAT likely to conceive, and we wouldn’t be too fussed if we did.

OK- next question, how do you find the time to do it 30 times? i have difficulty convincing my wife to find time once a week

 

[Sillara]

OK- next question, how do you find the time to do it 30 times? i have difficulty convincing my wife to find time once a week

It is a priority for us. When the three little ones are down for the night and the three big ones are playing or watching a movie, my husband and I have some time. So we make love. I suppose we could watch TV or go onto the internet or something. But why would we choose that over sex?

We shower and bathe together, too, allowing for more play time.

Sometimes in the middle of the afternoon, when the kids are at the park or are just absorbed in their own thing, we lock our door and make love.

I love my husband dearly, and he loves me. Why would we not want to express our love physically? It is easier now, I admit, than when one or another of the kids was nursing. That would sometimes cut into the evening or afternoon sessions, depending on how quickly the baby would sleep. Now, though, the “baby” is two years old, so we don’t have that problem.

 

[tsunami7]

It is a priority for us. When the three little ones are down for the night and the three big ones are playing or watching a movie, my husband and I have some time. So we make love. I suppose we could watch TV or go onto the internet or something. But why would we choose that over sex?

We shower and bathe together, too, allowing for more play time.

Sometimes in the middle of the afternoon, when the kids are at the park or are just absorbed in their own thing, we lock our door and make love.

I love my husband dearly, and he loves me. Why would we not want to express our love physically? It is easier now, I admit, than when one or another of the kids was nursing. That would sometimes cut into the evening or afternoon sessions, depending on how quickly the baby would sleep. Now, though, the “baby” is two years old, so we don’t have that problem.

my wife doesn’t feel like it is important to do it regularly. makes me feel sad sometimes. any suggestoins on what i can do?

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Well I find this thread interesting. I had a long marriage to a bonafide narcissist. It went the usual route for a normal real narcissist (vs. somatic type) and that is he stopped with the sex as soon as he had me - once that was secure he did not want to go through that routine of pretending intimacy anymore. We started before marriage (since i knew he was the “one”, in my mind, it was fine, since where did the Bible say no, if you were already “married in your heart” like us??? I was an Evangelical and here is a reason you need the Church!) but pretty much immediately after the wedding his disinterest began. It immediately became one quick reluctant effort after Church on Sunday. His real interest was his new friends and new life at school (I had graduated and was working to put him through now). It was almost immediately twice a year then once… it was sad because I had to work to get is interest up, and never felt i had it. After the long difficult marriage I learned of narcissism which explained everything including this.

Then came the eight years or so after the marraige which was devoid of any sex for many years (except for whatever that thing was we did to conceive our child, when I insisted) that were celibate. I didn’t date or even look at a man because even though I was extremely lonely, the dating world was NOT for me, because you know how people date these days!Anyway I picked wrong the first time, I did not want to risk picking someone else, and I sort of planned to be a nun when my son established himself in life (because I am a people person! And I trusted God for what my future should be, and I assumed it would be this, and I was sure I would be happy in that.)

But I met my longtime email friend last year when I was in his state, where I went for a healing, where Jesus made me new and like a new duck out of the egg, it was like he was the first thing I saw, or like in Midsummer Night’s dream: I awoke, and saw him - I certainly did not plan this, but I fell in love! Really hard, and fast. We have so many obstacles to get together but we are both determined and are working hard at plans to get together - first it was his state but we have just changed to mine. It is clear we are psychologically perfect together. We have a ton of love and faith, but little else, One of our biggest obstacles is finances - we both were doing quite well at one point in our lives but took big hits with divorce and changes in career situations. But like me, he has been chaste 24 years, and he thought he’d be a monk some day!

So, I missed out on sex life even though I was married nearly twenty years, and it turns out, being truly in love with a normal man means there is a lot of sexual interest. We are clearly drawn in that way, and we work very hard to avoid that which was are delighted with. It also causes us to work harder towards marraige, to make it happen as soon as those annulments come (we both feel is quite likely because of the adverse circumstances from the start in each of our marriages). I have often felt sad and lonely on account of missing out, but I have trusted God that his ways are best and even though it seems like those (the majority!) without my restrictions were having a better time, I have believed His ways are best and someday (maybe in Heaven!) I would understand. But now I see, because each of us not having a past we think is great. Especially for me. It helps with the trust!

I have this idea that we will want to be together every single day! That if we don’t it will only because we are way too busy that day. That it will always be a priority. So I like a lot what Sillara said about her sex life. It woudl be lovely if we were both young and could have the fruit of children but I think my fertility is over. But it sounds like she really trusts her husbands love for her ( and he trusts her) so that is why it is so frequent and natural. My sweetheart and I love every single thing about each other and are so drawn to be in each others company and are so happy and peaceful (and longing to connect sexually) when we are together that I hope it will be like Sillara’s.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Julianne, Your posts touched me in a couple of ways particularly.

First of all, Jesus can heal you from all the damage done by the past sex life. He can heal the damage, and make you forget it! I am sure of that. I know he healed me from all kinds of pains of the past, including my marriage, and my entire life. I know he can remove the memory of past events, too, as part of the healing (I suppose you could try and remember that stuff, but of course you don’t want to, and He knows it, and He will help you not do that if you so desire!) I know He can heal you and make you whole. He came to make hearts whole. He will do that! You do not have to live with the damage done by your own wrong living or others wrong living and sins. Jesus can heal it! Come to believe that. Set your mind on it. He will know your desire and come to your assistance.

2nd, having had a Narcissist husband, I feel for you, and I hope that is not the problem with your current. You not wanting to connect sexually with your husband (except as little often as you feel you MUST) is probably either because of just you, or because of you and him. For you, you can seek healing. For your husband, if he is willing, he can get healing, too. If he is a Narcissist or unwilling, well then you do have a problem on your hands, and you just might need a lot of grace to live with it. God will give you as much as you need. But it will all be easier to bear if you feel whole yourself!

 

[silicasandra]

Our youngest is also 2.

For us, I still say that our sex now is better than before children.

I have started, just for fun, tracking the number of times we have sex, and after the summer (where our average was still in the around 20 times range) we hit 30 times in October. I am hoping for the same in November!

I know this is an old thread that was brought back, but I have to say we have had a really, really funny moment with our intimate life that involved our son. We were both feeling “in the mood” AND not too tired for the first time in ages, got him to go to sleep on his own, and then right in the middle of things our door is thrown open and there he is, wild-eyed and absolutely furious at us - he was about 15 months old at the time.

It may not have been terribly romantic, but it was undoubtedly the funniest thing that has ever happened to either of us. Even almost four months later if one of us hints at it we both start cracking up.

We are pregnant again and I have been really sick, so it hasn’t been as often as either of us would like. We get into ruts of just trying to manage life, then suddenly one of us will decide “That’s enough” and we’ll have a great week or two, then slip back into the “let’s just stay alive this week” mentality. I think that’s just part of having young kids.

 

[Sillara]

I have this idea that we will want to be together every single day! That if we don’t it will only because we are way too busy that day. That it will always be a priority. So I like a lot what Sillara said about her sex life. It woudl be lovely if we were both young and could have the fruit of children but I think my fertility is over. But it sounds like she really trusts her husbands love for her ( and he trusts her) so that is why it is so frequent and natural. My sweetheart and I love every single thing about each other and are so drawn to be in each others company and are so happy and peaceful (and longing to connect sexually) when we are together that I hope it will be like Sillara’s.

Aww! Thank you! I hope you get to enjoy something like this.

I just want people to know that being Catholic does not mean doom-and-gloom, and it certainly doesn’t have to mean “no sex”.

I do trust my darling husband’s love for me, and he most definitely trusts mine. We have been married for 15 years, and we have half a dozen children. We have had a LOT of difficulties that could very easily have broken us, but here we are, madly in love and so happy that I worry my time in Purgatory will be ages long because I am not getting anything out of the way now.