Elderly parent care

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acadiANNA

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A friend returned from New York at the start of the pandemic. She is with her 89 year old mother who lives alone. She is waiting for New York to reopen without a quarantine. Being a missionary, she feels she must return to do evangelizing. I am trying to convince her that she needs to stay and take care of her mother. She holds on to the belief that the apostles left their families to serve the Lord. How can I possibly convince her to honor her mother by caring for her here. Long distance health care does not work.
 
If she doesn’t plan to care for mom herself, then is she planning to get a paid caregiver for her mom?
Are there other family members nearby who will care for mom?
Is there a possibility of Mom going into assisted living?

One of these things is almost certainly going to be necessary, and the daughter will also probably need to be reachable by phone and able to return when needed if there is some issue with Mom’s health.

If the daughter does not make appropriate arrangements, she might find herself in legal hot water if anything happens to Mom in her absence.
 
Ecclesiates 3:1: There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens.

Could this be the time appointed for her to care for her mother, assuming there is no one else to do so?
 
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Thank you for your feedback. A daughter-in-law nearby who is almost full time taking care of her own elderly sister. The mom does not want to go into a nursing home. At this time, COVID-19 is rampant in those settings. She made her daughter promise she would never put her in a facility.
 
Very insightful. I will consider how to approach the daughter about this. Thank you.
 
Another thought: there are 2 scenarios here, one if she stays and cares for her mother, the other if she returns to her missionary work.

How would she feel after her mother dies in each scenario?
 
What is it about your position that is better suited to tell her her calling and the facts of the situation than her and her mother?
 
Parents usually don’t want to go into a nursing home.
Not all assisted living is nursing home care, however. Some assisted living places are actually like apartments.

Also, depending on the physical condition of the parent, they may need to go into a nursing home because it is simply not possible or practical for their loved ones to continue home care.
We kept my mother and my in-laws at home as long as we could but they became ill or disabled to the point where they had to go into the nursing home. It was not possible to safely care for them at home any longer.

This is something for mother and daughter to discuss.
 
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Good point. I think daughter is in a ‘me first’ thinking. Thank you for offering another perspective, It really helps to sort this out.
 
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Yes. There was some checking into home health. The mom does not like strangers in her home and then she would have to get up and open the door to let them in. Which would be somewhat inconvenient. Thank you.
 
Mrchatsworth said:
What is it about your position that is better suited to tell her her calling and the facts of the situation than her and her mother?
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Exactly. You are this girl’s friend. You are not her relative. You are not going to be sharing in the care of the elderly mother.

Honestly, if you were my “friend” and you decided to lecture me about my personal situation and what you thought I should be doing with my mother, I would probably tell you to mind your own business.

Your friend clearly discussed her situation with you because you are her friend and she needed to discuss/ vent. You seem to be overstepping your bounds here. If you’re not comfortable hearing about this from your friend, tell her to discuss it with her family and leave you out.
 
Mrchatsworth said:
What is it about your position that is better suited to tell her her calling and the facts of the situation than her and her mother?
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Tis_Bearself said:
Honestly, if you were my “friend” and you decided to lecture me about my personal situation and what you thought I should be doing with my mother, I would probably tell you to mind your own business.
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Spiritual work of mercy: to admonish the sinner

Although on the one hand you two might have a point if the 89-year-old mother is sprightly and totally able to take care of herself, getting groceries and cooking, if in fact the mother, at 89, is in need of help, there seems only to be a daughter-in-law (where is the son?) who is currently already caring for her own mother.

If the son, who would be the daughter’s brother, is in the picture, then he should definitely be brought into the conversation. OTOH, he may be dead or otherwise unable to help in the care of elderly parents.

If the mother does need help, and the missionary daughter is the only one available, I think that pointing out the downsides of not caring for her mother would be the right thing to do, even on the part of a friend.

Additionally, ArcadiAnna may have some insight into her friend’s state of mind.

Maybe the friend is very focused on the missionary work because she believes that God does call on us to completely abandon our families without making proper arrangements for them but is conflicted.

Maybe ArcadiAnna knows the friend well enough to know that her friend will regret not doing this.

So I don’t think we should just assume there is something wrong with what is happening here.
 
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Whole lot of judgement here on a situation I don’t think anyone is in a better position to understand than the two family members involved! That’s a lot of chustpah to chalk that one up to “admonishing the sinner”
 
I frequently benefit from advice from my friends. A family situation can be very hard to sort out on one’s own. I do not understand why you and T’is Bear were so oppositional.
 
Because there is no right on in your post for the idea that you don’t know best or aren’t privy to the dynamics involved. It seems super self righteous to me. I could be wrong though. Your friend could be horrible when it comes to love of her elderly parent but the fact that she is caring for her now seems to negate that.
 
I think the best thing to do is to focus on answering ArcadiAnne’s question instead of asking if or telling her it’s none of her business, which seems as assumptive as anything I have said.
 
I think maybe instead of trying to convince her you should ask her if she will regret it later. And also ask her about her thoughts on ministering to the dying. Perhaps she wants to stay but feels guilty about going. Or perhaps she wants to go and feels guilty about not staying. I think the issue is praying to try to find out what Jesus would want her to do, not what the 12 apostles did. She’s not an apostle! (In my mind taking care of my mom would trump anything else.)
 
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It helps to get another perspective. She had two sons, both are deceased. One never married. The daughter-in-law will be doing the same as before the daughter came back home-making sure she has food and taking her to doctor appointments. The daughter will not stay here. I am trying not to judge the daughter. I have an opinion but it is between the mother and daughter to decide. I have not discussed this with the daughter to avoid conflict. Good point, she is not an apostle. But she will have no regret because she believes God wants her in New York. She is also of retirement age. Thank you all, I have read every word in the replies. You all are most compassionate. God bless.
 
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