Eldest sister is impossible? What to do

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anon98328916

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My Dad is in hospital, it has been a very worrying time for the family especially my Mother. My eldest sister is impossible and very rude to mum. Our parents have always done the best for us all and couldn’t ask for better parents. I do not understand what her problem is with mum. She shows a real hatred for her and is horrible and snaps at her anytime she speaks. My mum is a devout Catholic and my sister is a lukewarm Catholic who is married with kids. I remember when my sister got married years ago (not in the church) my mum was really unhappy about it and my sister started a massive argument with mum because she didn’t support it, Mum is a very humble person and would never say anything about her behaviour which makes me so mad. I am getting to the stage in my life where I will not put up with her disrespect towards Mum any longer, I get so annoyed by her behaviour I sin my Soul by giving out. I know I can never say anything to her because it would start a massive argument and we would fall out and that’s not in my nature but I find it hard to stand back and let her treat mum like this for years. Anyone else have family issues like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
Wow. I could pretty much write this letter at this very moment. My situation is a bit different (sister lives with mom, dad has passed.) My sister has been this way her entire life - short fused and explosive. We have always tiptoed around her to keep her from storming off. Now it’s happening again. I have read a book by Dr. Ray Guarendi Thinking Like Jesus. In a nutshell, he says to ask yourself if this is normal behavior for the sibling; if so, don’t be surprised by it and don’t let it get to you. I don’t think my sister will ever change. She is not happy with her life. She is jealous of what others have, she is selfish, hasn’t attended church for 30 years. She considers herself an expert on everything. I have spent too much time internalizing about the situation. As for your mom - this is your first and foremost concern. I tried talking to my sister in private, she went and told my mom and left the house for three day. Mom was crying - it was awful. My Priest told me to pray for my mom that she is treated well, with respect that she deserves.

If I knew the answer, I would do it myself. I can say prayer - but you’re talking about a sister being verbally abusive to your mum. Perhaps your priest could offer some insight. I will pray for you all.
 
One of many examples - A number of months back Mum and I were visiting her, Mum mentioned we had to go home to make dinner and she shouted at her with an aggressive facial expression. She was very rude and very out of line.
 
We teach people how to treat us by what we are willing to put up with. Since your mom does not speak up on her own behalf, she is enabling your sister to treat her poorly.

What would happen if you were to calmly say “don’t speak to mum that way.” So she gets mad at you too. At this point, she is at least being called out for her behavior.

But your mum should also say “I will no longer allow you to speak to me that way. If you continue, I will be leaving.”
 
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I am sorry you are struggling with your sister while caring for your Mom.

It is importat to understand and accept that you can’t change or control your sister. She is going to be who she is. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a conversation with her about how her actions impact other people, including you. I would encourage you to do that.

It is not at all unusual for siblings to have very different memories of their childhood and carry those forward. One can have the fondest of memories, while another remembers pain and despair. It doesn’t mean either are wrong. It is just the way the mind remembers. Is it possible you have fond memories of Mom and your childhood, while your sister has carried the opposite with her into adulthood? There must be a reason for her poor treatment (not that it makes it right). I am not suggesting you try to find out “where she is coming from”, but rather understand that she is “coming from some place”.

Ultimately, you want to shield your Mom from your sister’s bad behavior. Unfortunately, you can’t always do that. Be present, and look after Mom to the best of your ability. Remember that families are complex, and even the best of the best have some sort of dysfunction within them. It is part and parcel of being a family. I would avoid arguing with your sister, or correcting her or shaming her. It won’t do any good and may make things worse.
 
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Your sister probably feels your Mom has “judged her” after not marrying in the church, and it is a “thorn in her side”. Your mother needs to ask forgiveness and assure the older sister of her love. Most likely your sister will have a change of heart and act better.
 
anon98328916 said:
She shows a real hatred for her and is horrible and snaps at her anytime she speaks.
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But she still wants to see and talk to her? Maybe she doesn’t want you around when she does?

I have a mean stranger sister, who once she lost control of Mom (checkbook), cut all contact with her. To make it harder, she was Mom’s favorite.
 
anon98328916 said:
My Dad is in hospital, it has been a very worrying time for the family especially my Mother. My eldest sister is impossible and very rude to mum. Our parents have always done the best for us all and couldn’t ask for better parents. I do not understand what her problem is with mum. She shows a real hatred for her and is horrible and snaps at her anytime she speaks. My mum is a devout Catholic and my sister is a lukewarm Catholic who is married with kids. I remember when my sister got married years ago (not in the church) my mum was really unhappy about it and my sister started a massive argument with mum because she didn’t support it, Mum is a very humble person and would never say anything about her behaviour which makes me so mad. I am getting to the stage in my life where I will not put up with her disrespect towards Mum any longer, I get so annoyed by her behaviour I sin my Soul by giving out. I know I can never say anything to her because it would start a massive argument and we would fall out and that’s not in my nature but I find it hard to stand back and let her treat mum like this for years. Anyone else have family issues like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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It looks to me that no matter what you do, your sister is going to cause problems.
 
Sursumcorda1 said:
Your sister probably feels your Mom has “judged her” after not marrying in the church, and it is a “thorn in her side”. Your mother needs to ask forgiveness and assure the older sister of her love. Most likely your sister will have a change of heart and act better.
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Are you kidding me?
 
Norseman82 said:
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anon98328916:
My Dad is in hospital, it has been a very worrying time for the family especially my Mother. My eldest sister is impossible and very rude to mum. Our parents have always done the best for us all and couldn’t ask for better parents. I do not understand what her problem is with mum. She shows a real hatred for her and is horrible and snaps at her anytime she speaks. My mum is a devout Catholic and my sister is a lukewarm Catholic who is married with kids. I remember when my sister got married years ago (not in the church) my mum was really unhappy about it and my sister started a massive argument with mum because she didn’t support it, Mum is a very humble person and would never say anything about her behaviour which makes me so mad. I am getting to the stage in my life where I will not put up with her disrespect towards Mum any longer, I get so annoyed by her behaviour I sin my Soul by giving out. I know I can never say anything to her because it would start a massive argument and we would fall out and that’s not in my nature but I find it hard to stand back and let her treat mum like this for years. Anyone else have family issues like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
It looks to me that no matter what you do, your sister is going to cause problems.
Click to expand...
I always have to walk on egg shells around my sister as does the rest of my family. I always felt she could never be told if she was wrong or given advise to because she never wanted to know or be told.
Mum is so hurt by her at times and I feel like telling her to cop on. We only get one father and mother and to cherish them while we have them. I honestly don’t get her.
 
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anon98328916 said:
I always have to walk on egg shells around my sister as does the rest of my family. I always felt she could never be told if she was wrong or given advise to because she never wanted to know or be told.
Mum is so hurt by her at times and I feel like telling her to cop on. We only get one father and mother and to cherish them while we have them. I honestly don’t get her.
Click to expand...
How many other brothers or sisters do you have? What about others in the family? Is it possible to “close ranks” and protect your mother?
 
Norseman82 said:
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anon98328916:
I always have to walk on egg shells around my sister as does the rest of my family. I always felt she could never be told if she was wrong or given advise to because she never wanted to know or be told.
Mum is so hurt by her at times and I feel like telling her to cop on. We only get one father and mother and to cherish them while we have them. I honestly don’t get her.
Click to expand...
How many other brothers or sisters do you have? What about others in the family? Is it possible to “close ranks” and protect your mother?
Click to expand...
Four other siblings. One of them is close with her and but is very good to our parents. We all know what she is like and we say nothing for a quiet life.
 
“One of many examples - A number of months back Mum and I were visiting her, Mum mentioned we had to go home to make dinner and she shouted at her with an aggressive facial expression. She was very rude and very out of line.”

I don’t Therese, I think she is who she is. Protect your Mom from her, she’s most likely scared of her?

Family is tough. God Bless!
 
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Retsel said:
“One of many examples - A number of months back Mum and I were visiting her, Mum mentioned we had to go home to make dinner and she shouted at her with an aggressive facial expression. She was very rude and very out of line.”

I don’t Therese, I think she is who she is. Protect your Mom from her, she’s most likely scared of her?

Family is tough. God Bless!
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Mum is afraid to call her on the phone incase she is rude or dry with her. Terrible it has came to that.
Family sure is tough, God Bless you too.
 
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