Emotional communication with my dad

[Mazon]

My family just got some terrible news today. I think we’ll all be alright, but in the aftermath of receiving this bad news, it brought some issues I have with my dad to light. All around, he’s a great dad and we have a fantastic relationship, but every now and then the family drama will crop up (as it did tonight) and what I’ve noticed about my dad is that he gets very upset whenever my mom or I try to talk about it. The family drama deals with another member of the family, and my parents and I are all on the same side of it, so that’s not the source of contention. My mom, however, sometimes has a hard time coming to grips with the news we receive about the family drama and she’ll get very upset for a while, just grieving about the whole situation. My dad has a real problem with this and will start asking my mom to act like an adult and not let it affect her. Normally, I’d agree with that, because I’m very much like that as well, but in my mom’s case, I think there needs to be room to grieve. She’s not capable of just putting emotionally distressful things in a box the way my dad and I are and I’m afraid he’s not giving her the room she needs to fully heal. In the past when this has happened, she has resorted to hiding her feelings and then it’d all get dragged out for months until finally one big fight (maybe) resolves it all (though to be fair to my dad, my mom will usually let the bad news affect her for long periods of time regardless of whether he does anything).
My main question is, I’m just wondering what, if anything, I should do about it. This sort of thing also affects our conversation on the topic; as an example, he told me today that something much worse could have happened than what actually happened. I responded that that doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad about what actually happened, and he responded just by saying, twice, that he was right. Am I just not understanding him or is something else going on here? Any thoughts?

 

[F_Marturana]

Many men have been raised to not cry. Crying was seen as weakness.

That might be the case with your dad.

Crying and emotional outbursts can be scary to some.

 

[Inquiry]

There’s a great expression that I’ve found helpful over the years: Childhood ends when you realize your parents are fallible. Adulthood begins when you forgive them for it.

You may not be understanding your father correctly, or he may just be wrong. It actually doesn’t change much which one it is. One of the hardest lessons of life is: you aren’t your parents and you are never going to be. They can teach you their wisdom (and sometimes saddle you with their faults), but no matter how well their advice works for them that doesn’t mean it will work for you. Your father is giving you what he knows, and you should listen to it but… that feeling that what he is saying doesn’t work? You should listen to that too.

More importantly you should pray about that conflict because there are actually three important forces here: what your father is trying to shape you into, what you know you are, and what God is calling you to be.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Unless your mom is being physically or mentally abused in some manner, it’s better for you to let her and your dad deal with their relationship between the two of them.

Spousal relationships contain a lot of private stuff that is between the spouses, only. It’s not good for children or other relatives to start interfering in that.

If your dad was beating your mom or constantly insulting or belittling her, then maybe you or some other family member should step in, but it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening here, so I would suggest that you just leave it be.

If you have to have a talk with your dad about your OWN feelings, then that’s okay, just leave your mom out.

And don’t expect your dad to always have the same emotions as you, or agree with whatever emotions you have. He’s a different person and there are many reasons why he might react differently.