Emotnional Intelligence at work back to the original thread

[Anglewannabe]

Since my earlier thread about emotional intelligence (EI) got completely derailed into a dating thread (and I had no desire to read all the posts), I decided to start a new thread and I am hoping we can stick to the topic of emotional intelligence in the work force.

From what I have been reading about EI, I am finding it really confusing. Because only 1 book actually mentioned you can not control others. And I honestly believe that to be true. Also, this book gives ‘advice’ on how to handle difficult people. It has been my experience it doesn’t matter how I deal with a difficult person, they will always change their strategy to get what they want since that is why they are called difficult in the first place.

I can’t help but think a lot of it sometimes is just accepting things the way they are

Angie

 

[Xantippe]

Since my earlier thread about emotional intelligence (EI) got completely derailed into a dating thread (and I had no desire to read all the posts), I decided to start a new thread and I am hoping we can stick to the topic of emotional intelligence in the work force.

From what I have been reading about EI, I am finding it really confusing. Because only 1 book actually mentioned you can not control others. And I honestly believe that to be true. Also, this book gives ‘advice’ on how to handle difficult people. It has been my experience it doesn’t matter how I deal with a difficult person, they will always change their strategy to get what they want since that is why they are called difficult in the first place.

I can’t help but think a lot of it sometimes is just accepting things the way they are

Angie

Sorry about your old thread!

Maybe the idea is that sometimes the best way to “handle” people is not to handle them at all? If that isn’t too zen for you.

Think of all the times on CAF where somebody describes a horrible MIL or mother or father or sister or brother or adult child or whatever, and asks, “how can I fix them?” and the answer is, you can’t. You can spend less time with them, but they aren’t your job, and you can’t fix them.

That’s a little harder in the workplace setting, but presumably, there are opportunities to spend less time with certain people.

Of course, bear in mind that you are probably somebody else’s difficult person and they are pulling their hair out trying to figure out how to deal with you.

 

[underacloud]

Because only 1 book actually mentioned you can not control others.

You can’t control others, but you can certainly influence others. And this is one of the primary objectives in utilising emotional intellegence in a workplace environment.

As an example - if you can understand another person’s emtional state, you can decide when it is appropriate or inapprioriate to have a more difficult conversation with them. Or when they are likely to be more capable at performing certain tasks. Etc.

Also, if you understand yourself better, you’ll know when to have that difficult conversation and when to back off.

To take it another step, the emotionally intellegent person may be able to engender certain emotions in others before they ask them to do something. This is why in most workplaces Monday morning is largely a write-off in terms of actual work, but time is spent in setting up those relationships that will help you through the rest of the week. The old “how was your weekend?” conversation is about creating positive relationships, not simply a way to waste time (though it can be that too).

It has been my experience it doesn’t matter how I deal with a difficult person, they will always change their strategy to get what they want since that is why they are called difficult in the first place.

An emotionally intelligent person knows how to adapt their strategies, to get what they want. Someone (such as yourself) who doesn’t see the workplace so much as a social environment will see these people as difficult, and even manipulative.

One reason you will find this issue difficult is because it is in only very early stages of understanding/development. The theories of EI are relatively new and there are strong criticisms of all the current theories, which are arguably underdeveloped, since it is only a couple of decades that EI has really been studied. But this does not mean you should disregard it. The theories will continue to develop and we will increasingly understand the importance of interpersonal relationships in the workplace, and how our ability to understand and control emotions affects our job performance and those around us.

 

[Xantippe]

As an example - if you can understand another person’s emtional state, you can decide when it is appropriate or inapprioriate to have a more difficult conversation with them. Or when they are likely to be more capable at performing certain tasks. Etc.

Also, if you understand yourself better, you’ll know when to have that difficult conversation and when to back off.

**Very true!

In our family, we talk about a study done on sentencing by Israeli judges. Apparently, before lunch they were handing out much heavier sentences than after lunch.

economist.com/node/18557594**

It’s a little bit more complicated than that, but hunger and exhaustion affect decision-making.

Likewise, at our house, we find that it’s best to have difficult or demanding conversations AFTER dinner, not before.

To take it another step, the emotionally intellegent person may be able to engender certain emotions in others before they ask them to do something. This is why in most workplaces Monday morning is largely a write-off in terms of actual work, but time is spent in setting up those relationships that will help you through the rest of the week. The old “how was your weekend?” conversation is about creating positive relationships, not simply a way to waste time (though it can be that too).

An emotionally intelligent person knows how to adapt their strategies, to get what they want. Someone (such as yourself) who doesn’t see the workplace so much as a social environment will see these people as difficult, and even manipulative.

One reason you will find this issue difficult is because it is in only very early stages of understanding/development. The theories of EI are relatively new and there are strong criticisms of all the current theories, which are arguably underdeveloped, since it is only a couple of decades that EI has really been studied. But this does not mean you should disregard it. The theories will continue to develop and we will increasingly understand the importance of interpersonal relationships in the workplace, and how our ability to understand and control emotions affects our job performance and those around us.

Very good!

 

[Anglewannabe]

Sorry about your old thread!.

Apology accepted

Maybe the idea is that sometimes the best way to “handle” people is not to handle them at all? If that isn’t too zen for you.

No it is NOT too zen for me. I think that is the first step I need to work on, living and let but still trying to work with someone (if that makes sense)

Of course, bear in mind that you are probably somebody else’s difficult person and they are pulling their hair out trying to figure out how to deal with you.

Well, since no one has confronted me, there isn’t much I can do about that until I know what it is I have done

 

[ynotzap]

Since my earlier thread about emotional intelligence (EI) got completely derailed into a dating thread (and I had no desire to read all the posts), I decided to start a new thread and I am hoping we can stick to the topic of emotional intelligence in the work force.

From what I have been reading about EI, I am finding it really confusing. Because only 1 book actually mentioned you can not control others. And I honestly believe that to be true. Also, this book gives ‘advice’ on how to handle difficult people. It has been my experience it doesn’t matter how I deal with a difficult person, they will always change their strategy to get what they want since that is why they are called difficult in the first place.

I can’t help but think a lot of it sometimes is just accepting things the way they are

Angie

I can understand why you find EI confusing. My understanding of an Emotion, is that it is a human reaction of two parts, and without the two parts it is not an emotion, One part is feeling, the second part is understanding or intelligence. for example: When one appreciates the fine qualities of another, say of the opposite sex, one falls in love. The intelligence perceives the qualities, and one feels a delight or even ecstatic feeling as a consequence. The same goes for fear, one perceives danger, and as a consequence the body experiences physical tension, feelings are heightened producing physical changes in the body to meet the crisis. So when one says “emotional intelligence” what is one saying? Is one saying that it is interpretation of one’s feelings, if it is that is not an emotion. Is it the understanding of an emotion, that is understanding of the two parts mentioned. Can it be the perception by the intelligence alone, if it is, then it’s not an emotion, just thoughts. I can readily understand rational intelligence, and sense knowledge found in animals which are dependent on feelings, senses. Does emotional intelligence mean that I can observe how a person feels, and somehow arrive at what the person is thinking, interpreting feelings and the reason for the feelings. To me it appears as a misnomer. I tend to see it as simply understanding human nature, and psychology, understanding human behavior.

 

[Anglewannabe]

You can’t control others, but you can certainly** influence **others. And this is one of the primary objectives in utilising emotional intellegence in a workplace environment.

That is the part I have trouble grasping. If someone’s mind is made up they are not going to listen to me, I wouldn’t know how to influence them without being manipulative.

As an example - if you can understand another person’s emtional state, you can decide when it is appropriate or inapprioriate to have a more difficult conversation with them. Or when they are likely to be more capable at performing certain tasks. Etc…

I ALWAYS start any conversation with ‘Do you have a moment’ and I give them the opportunity to say no. Unfortunately, I suspect a lot of people say ‘yes’ out of politeness or lack of boundary and the reality is it is not a good time.

me, I wouldn’t know how to influence them without being manipulative.

Also, if you understand yourself better, you’ll know when to have that difficult conversation and when to back off.

I think I have that one mastered I NEVER start a difficult conversation if I am not in the mood for the consequences

To take it another step, the emotionally intellegent person may be able to engender certain emotions in others before they ask them to do something.

Again, I would feel manipulative doing that. I use the basic ‘Can I please ask you a favour’ or ‘I really need something from you can you let me know when is a good time’. But apart from that, I would NOT know how to ‘engender other people’s emotions’

This is why in most workplaces Monday morning is largely a write-off in terms of actual work, but time is spent in setting up those relationships that will help you through the rest of the week. The old “how was your weekend?” conversation is about creating positive relationships, not simply a way to waste time (though it can be that too).

See to an introverted private person like me, those conversations are rather annoying at best. Also, when I get to work I like to set up and et organized. I prefer to have those conversations at mid morning break

An emotionally intelligent person knows how to adapt their strategies, to get what they want. Someone (such as yourself) who doesn’t see the workplace so much as a social environment will see these people as difficult, and even manipulative.

Yes, I do see it a manipulative. I guess mainly because I seem to be getting the message ‘Emotionally Intelligent people always get what they want’ and that is where I have a problem. Even emotionally intelligent people will fail every now and them in my mind

 

[GEddie]

I am glad you restarted the conversation, as I am quite interested in EI, but not the dating game.

I also agree that “handling people” by NOT handling them per se is not “zen”.

ICXC NIKA

 

[Anglewannabe]

I also agree that “handling people” by NOT handling them per se is not “zen”.

You reminded me of something kind of funny. I was asking a girl in my department a questions and she told me I would have to go to another department. This department is headed by a VERY rude woman. I whispered to my co-worker 'I hate going to that department. She must have been reading my mind because she smiled ‘You and everyone else’

 

[underacloud]

I ALWAYS start any conversation with ‘Do you have a moment’ and I give them the opportunity to say no. Unfortunately, I suspect a lot of people say ‘yes’ out of politeness or lack of boundary and the reality is it is not a good time.

I think this misses the point. It is not about using good manners etc. It is about gauging the emotional state of others and deciding whether you should have that conversation now or later.

It’s not about asking whether they have a moment, it’s about understanding whether it is the right moment, regardless of whether they say yes. And it has to be the right moment for you and them.

I think I have that one mastered I NEVER start a difficult conversation if I am not in the mood for the consequences

Again, not really the point. An emotionally intelligent person uses their emotional state, and that of the other, to influence the conversation itself, not merely assess whether they are currently in the mood to have it. The consequences are not set in stone beforehand - the emotionally intelligent person leads the other towards the conclusions they wish to draw, and adapts more easily to changes in how they saw the conversation going - not merely based on what is specifically said, but on the manner (emotions) of the other person.

See to an introverted private person like me, those conversations are rather annoying at best. Also, when I get to work I like to set up and et organized. I prefer to have those conversations at mid morning break

But do you not see that what you prefer may differ - quite markedly - from what others perfer?

If you’re not prepared to play along with these little workplace social rites, people will see you as the difficult one.

Yes, I do see it a manipulative. I guess mainly because I seem to be getting the message ‘Emotionally Intelligent people always get what they want’ and that is where I have a problem. Even emotionally intelligent people will fail every now and them in my mind

Not “always”. But more often.

 

[chevalier]

I can’t help but think a lot of it sometimes is just accepting things the way they are

I think intelligence is a passive trait, hence you can’t really make a direct connection between it and an attitude, especially one judged from the perspective of moral, social or political correctness, such as acceptance.

 

[EasterJoy]

Here are some examples I can think of.

One fellow I worked with had very strong opinions. Once he had an idea about how to do something, then that was it, that was the way he was going to want to do it. The other thing about him, though, was that he was a busy and a very practical guy. What I learned to do with him was to anticipate some situation were we’d have to make some decision about our shared work space in the future. I would think about what his priorities would be, come up with a solution that took his priorities into account that would also suit mine, and proposed this as a possibility before it occurred to him to consider the situation. Well, being practical, he was happy to just accept the proposal that suited all his needs. I was not being manipulative to realize how to find a win-win with him.

Another fellow was, let us be blunt, lazy and a bit thoughtless. He left messes whereever he went. With him, the main thing was to not have a hassle. The strategy with him was to make doing the right thing less of a hassle–make sure there was a convenient way to follow the rules–and to make it more of a hassle for him to take a short cut than just doing it right the first time.

Understanding what motivates, pleases, and upsets others is extremely helpful in a work environment. You can’t go for “win-win” unless you understand that what is a “win” for you isn’t a “win” for everyone else. Sometimes others enjoying doing what you hate doing, and vice versa. You can find a way to do the jobs you like the most and yet be a hero because you relieved someone else of jobs they like the least. You can show appreciation in ways that others actually appreciate. You can learn to pick up on signs of discomfort, pleasure and displeasure, anxiety, and so on, and adjust what you say and do accordingly.