Encouraging teens to attend a teen retreat

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LeapsForCauchy

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I teach at a Catholic high school, and recently volunteered to chaperone my parish’s teen retreat. Several former students of mine were excited when I told them I would be a chaperone. I felt called to invite 3 boys, who are like 3 peas in a pod.

I’m new to these sorts of things and so I’m sure I didn’t approach it in the best way possible. One of the boys I have in class, the other 2, I had last year. The one in my class, happened to be in my room after school one day and so I talked a little bit about it and gave him the information papers about it. I find it hard to talk about these sorts of things sometimes, so I attached a little note encouraging him to go. He seemed sort of open to it and said he would think about it. The other 2 boys, they came in to visit between classes the next day and I gave them the forms as well.

The next day, a group of girls were standing talking about the retreat, saying how they really enjoyed it last year, and one of the boys was there. I said, “See, it sounds fun!” He said that he couldn’t go because he had a big soccer tournament that weekend. I was kind of disappointed, because I know that he doesn’t attend Mass regularly because either he or one of his siblings is always in some travelling sports league or another. The same for the other 2 boys. Which is partly why I felt compelled to invite them. (I have an inkling that they are all somewhat faithful, but that going to Mass is not a part of the family culture/routine and so they don’t go often. One has mentioned that he doesn’t have a ride because his parents don’t go.)

The next day I told him I was disappointed that he wasn’t going, but that I wouldn’t nag him about it. He said that he actually kind of did want to go, but that it was a “showcase” thing. I find it hard to believe that there aren’t other weekends that could take place.

Today, I saw one of the other boys and asked if he had made up his mind yet. I know that he’s probably decided not to go, since he hasn’t said anything about it, but I still gave him a little more encouragement and told him to talk about it with his friends. If they go together I figured they’d enjoy at least a weekend away in each other’s company.

I don’t want to nag them about it any longer, but I am still feeling like they would enjoy it. I pray that their hearts are open and maybe that they decide to change their minds. I don’t want to do any more gentle prodding because I don’t want them to feel forced to go.

Has anyone had any luck with this sort of thing? I’m new to all of this and so I’m sure I could have done things a little better.
 
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Teenagers are afraid they are going to miss something. If all their friends were going, they’d go. But as it is, that’s apparently not what’s happening.

Its sort of a chicken and egg kind of thing. If you get enough kids to go, their friends will want to go too.
 
Hello.

Want to preface this with a “I don’t think I really know what I’m talking about!”

I think a teen retreat ought to be made mandatory, that way they can complain and moan about it before, then, when they go, find out what a good idea it is. Just seems to me to be the nature of things with teens…

Only my opinion and not a well-informed one at that… please ignore if this isn’t helpful…
 
It is all about peer pressure. It is OK to say that they are interested when none of their friends are around but not when they are around and can hear the conversation or talking to all of them as a group. Doing certain sports are OK but “religious things” or other family events are not. If they are high up on the “popularity ladder” then they can say they would go or enjoy retreats, family events, religious gathering etc.

They are putting on a facade and that is very typical during teen years when they are trying to find their own identity. They are not a young child and not an adult but somewhere in between. Too young for X but not old enough for Y. Secretly enjoy spending time with family but “have to say” in front of peers that "mom and dad “forced” me to go to this family event. Boys and girls act differently. Girls decide as a group what to do (can take the whole day and end up not having time for the activity) while boys ask if they can join in the activity that some have already started with (see kids playing soccer and then asks which team he can be part of).
 
Dacinom said:
I think you did a great job! One boy had a prior commitment with a sports tournament. What’s a “showcase” not sure what that means?

Also I’m guessing there’s an expense involved? Sometimes when our parish has a weekend retreat it’s $100-$150 or more. Which is reasonable, but maybe the parents said NO.

Keep doing what you’re doing!
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Showcase’s are tournaments/events where normally the best teams in a state or region (or sometimes just the best players) are invited to play in a tournament. The reason they’re called showcases (on top of it just being the best talent) is they are normally heavily attended by college recruiters/coaches as this is a chance to see much of the talent they’re trying to recruit all in the same place playing against each other.

OP, this also would explain why there “aren’t other weekends this could take place”. These tournaments don’t happen all that often and are normally invite only. As a former high school coach I can say how important a good showing in a showcase tournament can be in the potential college future of a student athlete. You may find it hard to believe, but showcase tournaments don’t come around all that often and players/coaches/teams aren’t always invited, so there really may not be any other weekends for that.

As a parent now, I would much rather see my son have a good weekend at a showcase tournament than skip it for a retreat. I would say there are other weekends the retreat could take place too.
 
Families put sports ahead of Faith. That is the new normal.
 
Depends on what the retreat is. My kids don’t want to go to rock-n-roll Steubenville-style retreats. They think events like that are embarrassing. They each had a Confirmation retreat like that. They endured it. TBH not all parents trust their parish leadership after the abuse scandals (especially if it’s an overnight thing). I think other commitments are reasonable as well…
 
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As much as I don’t disagree with you, I feel the comment is a bit out of place in the context of OP. We’re not talking about missing/skipping church (as far as we know) on Sunday for sports. The individual in this case had a prior sports engagement that happens to be on the same weekend as the retreat. I don’t see the big deal of the individual standing with their prior engagement (showcase tournament) vs going to a teen retreat.
 
LeapsForCauchy said:
. I was kind of disappointed, because I know that he doesn’t attend Mass regularly because either he or one of his siblings is always in some travelling sports league or another.
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@TC3033 this is the statement that stood out to me.
 
TheLittleLady said:
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LeapsForCauchy:
. I was kind of disappointed, because I know that he doesn’t attend Mass regularly because either he or one of his siblings is always in some travelling sports league or another.
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@TC3033 this is the statement that stood out to me.
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Routinely missing Mass is definitely a huge problem. Totally separate issue, and I wouldn’t necessarily be trying to introduce a THIRD event into weekends (Mass, sports event, retreat).
 
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Oh, ya…I saw that too, but I see that as more of an excuse by his family that it being the sport’s fault. I don’t think we’ve gone to many tournaments where it would have been impossible to go to church Saturday night or 6:30 Sunday evening.

If the sport wasn’t there, IMHO, families would just find another reason not to go…or just flat wouldn’t go.
 
(Part 1 of 2)

Just getting a chance to respond to these posts! Did not expect to get so many replies.

To the coach: Thanks, that was helpful. The one kid IS a pretty good goalie (at least from my outsider perspective), but in 10th grade… I didn’t think 10th grade was a big year for college recruiters. Especially when he told me once he did not want to play for a D1 school … ?

I’m not against sports, they are great for kids. I was never an athlete but I’ve always sort of envied the camaraderie of a team. I went to several school games this past fall to support this student, and also realized I knew a bunch of the other boys on the team too. All are great kids.

But what upsets me is when these things take precedence over faith / religion / Mass. Yes, it’s certainly not impossible to find a Mass nearby – Masstimes dot org! – but I have a feeling that they don’t. If they can’t be bothered to go to Mass on a regular Sunday when they are home and know the Mass schedule, why would they when away somewhere? He has said to me that they “go when it’s important,” however, that apparently did not include Christmas this year… not being able to drive, there’s only so much a kid can do.

I’ve never been on a retreat before, so this is my first time also, but I know it’s not a big rally-type thing. It’s limited to 50 people and about 15 of them are leaders/chaperones/church staff. It’s at a retreat center at a college. There is a mix of kids giving witness talks, big group and small group activities, reflection time, etc. It sounds somewhat intense, but in a good way, and I have a feeling I’ll be holding back some tears. I saw one student practice her talk and she spoke about some really deep personal trauma that led her back to the church.

To top things off, tonight I sang with my choir at my parish Confirmation. These same 3 students all had siblings who were getting confirmed – and they told me today in school that they were not going to the Confirmation because someone had invited them to go skiing. This REALLY upset me, but I’m not sure whether I was mad, disappointed, or disgusted, and whether it was directed towards them or at their parents. Kids are kids, and sure, even if they might not want to go and ask to do something else, I would think that the parents would say, “No, family comes first and you need to support your brother/sister today.” But, if the importance is not placed on faith and practicing of religion, then I’m not surprised that they’d allow them to go. The one boy then told me that his mother did not even attend his Confirmation because she was taking the younger sibling to a hockey tournament! I actually felt sad for him … even though I have met the woman and think she is a wonderful person.
 
(Part 2 of 2)

That being said, I did happen to run into that woman after the Confirmation today. I went into the Mass all “fired up” (appropriate for a Confirmation) and when I saw the siblings, got mad at them all over again. But she saw me and gave me a hug right away and so the anger went away. I humorously asked where the kid was, and she said it was tennis team tryouts. Did not mention the skiing, though. I mentioned the retreat and she told me that he was actually kind of excited to go, even gave her the forms, but that the tournament was the whole weekend and it’s about 4 hours away. I was happy, at least, that he showed an interest in going, but still disappointed that the timing didn’t work out. Like someone said, yes, the retreat could have been other weekends, but they did have that commitment first.

The events of the past few days have led me to the conclusion that I’m teaching at a Catholic school to try to reach out to kids in these situations - those who I think have faith, but it’s inside somewhere. I feel like I’m supposed to try to ignite that spark somehow, for the ones that are just on the verge of it. I thought this retreat might be a good start, especially since these 3 students were the first to come to mind when I was asked to chaperone and try to spread the word.

There’s always next year. I sort of feel as though my efforts were unsuccessful, but hearing from the mother that he was interested at least gave me some hope that “all hope is not lost.” I realize these things take time and being forced is not at all going to help the situation. I’m just a bit impatient for the sparks to ignite!

Sorry this was so long. I’ve had a lot on my mind today. Sometimes, I think I care too much!
 
my two daughters did catholic “teen retreats” enthusiastically and seemed to’ve gained quite a bit from the experience

my son wanted nothing to with it

so; i don’t know…
 
Evangelization. If the parents and the kids are evangelized, they will want to put God first.
 
LeapsForCauchy said:
(Part 1 of 2)

Just getting a chance to respond to these posts! Did not expect to get so many replies.

To the coach: Thanks, that was helpful. The one kid IS a pretty good goalie (at least from my outsider perspective), but in 10th grade… I didn’t think 10th grade was a big year for college recruiters. Especially when he told me once he did not want to play for a D1 school … ?
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If you’re in 10th grade and getting a chance to play in a showcase, it’s a big deal (IMHO). 10th grade isn’t the biggest year necessarily but if you can get on a school’s radar as a sophomore leading into your junior year, that puts you so far ahead of the game, especially with a good showing. Thing is, if he’s part of a team and the whole team is going to this showcase, just because he didn’t want to play D1 (could still be DII or DIII recruiters there), some of his teammates might, and without their goalie the team suffers…
LeapsForCauchy said:
But what upsets me is when these things take precedence over faith / religion / Mass. Yes, it’s certainly not impossible to find a Mass nearby – Masstimes dot org! – but I have a feeling that they don’t. If they can’t be bothered to go to Mass on a regular Sunday when they are home and know the Mass schedule, why would they when away somewhere? He has said to me that they “go when it’s important,” however, that apparently did not include Christmas this year… not being able to drive, there’s only so much a kid can do.
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And there’s your answer…it’s not the sport, it’s the family. If they didn’t have a sport to go to, they probably just wouldn’t go to Mass at all. Sounds like they’re CEO’s, it is what it is. You can’t blame the sport. In this case I still don’t see it as the sport taking precedence over faith either…the kid had a previous engagement. It’s not something I’d get bent out of shape over, personally, I’d expect the young man to honor his previous engagement vs. breaking it for me.

We run into this at church too, stuff gets planned so short notice that many times people can’t go (and then the parishioners get scolded for it)
 
All good points. The mother of the soccer player told me in an email today that he actually came home excited to go when I gave him the information about it, but then she had to break the news that it was the same day as the tournament. That actually made me feel a bit better!
 
Good for him.

But when I was 15 and 16, in the early 1970’s, I would have never volunteered for any sort of retreat, as I was really involved in working. First selling newspapers and cutting lawns, then to working in a greasy spoon. Between that and school, I had a pretty solid activity schedule and no time to waste a weekend. You don’t see teenagers with jobs so much nowadays.

Also, when I was a teenager, I was expected to get anywhere where i needed to be, on my own. Relying on my parents for a ride, usually not even considered when you were raised in a “free range” manner.
 
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