End a "friendship"?

[Charles_22]

noclevername: I doubt my comments here will matter, as I have seen this sort of packrat tendency with my mother. Why do you do it? To dwell on the memories at various times I suppose. I keep a few things myself, you know, like the high school yearbook and such, but I don’t have a single letter. I’m not sorry I don’t have a single letter, I just don’t.

I was visiting my Mom at the hospital this week, and I couldn’t believe how she cut me down and for what it was. She hurt me really bad, and she got to see the fruits of that as visiting her the next couple of days she learned and saw how my going home didn’t yield me more than an hour or two of sleep. Should she had sent me those sentiments in the mail I would throw it away, after responding of course. That pain was way too deep for me to revisit it by keeping it. It will take quite a while for it to leave my memory anyway, so I see no point in keeping something that would remind me of a dark time, anymore than why I would watch, listen, or read the news, because of what is covered and how (Happy happy, another axe murder today).

I would advice to keep the letters which are good, and lose those which you described, even if there is other information on it that you think is somehow essential, because you might just be surprised just how many memories don’t go away despite the evidence being gone. If they’re of any real importance they will be remembered and if they’re not, what will it matter? If I see an old friend, and they ask “do you remember the time…” and I do not, because I haven’t perused some great cache of letters, they have no problem with you not remembering, in fact, it is almost more interesting that way, as for one of the party it’s at least seemingly a new story.

So have I described sufficently why you keep even these hurtful letters?

 

[Col40]

Yea–it doesn’t sound like you all have a lot in common. I mean, I’m fine with people having different views than me, as long as they’re respectful of mine—but it’s hard when your views are so different that you really don’t have a common interest. That’s sort of how my husband and I feel about our neighbors across the street—a common-law marriage. The boyfriend (or whomever) is unpleasant and both he and the girlfriend are overly liberal athethists. That’s what they choose to be, I can only pray that some day they find the Holy Spirit. She’s nice enough and we try to find common ground. But I have to say–the more I’m around her, the less I want to be–know what I mean? Plus, I think her unpleasant BF messed with my flag (rehung it upside down) and stole my McCain-Palin sign…when he noticed it was gone and we were upset, that’s the first time he’s shown any interest, let alone “glee.”

Our response to them is to be pleasant…not to ignore. But we’re not going out of our way to be “friends”…

With these neighbors…I’d say just find excuses for a while or just politely decline the invites–let the relationship fade. You don’t want a full on fight, because that’s just going to cause hard feelings…but a polite fade away will give you both the break you need to make.

 

[Charles_22]

Col40: In my mind, they have already had numerous fights, so you have to wonder if the possibility of one final intense battle, is better than a few more smaller battles down the line. I like my earlier idea of course but that wouldn’t be a final battle strategy. I don’t know, but the more I think about it, if we think only in terms of the amount of argument quantity, that a sudden announcement done right, may well end up in no battle at all, as they might be so surprised they won’t put up a fight.

Perhaps the friends have been wanting this more than the OP, and just hadn’t come up with a way just yet?

Don’t ask me how I know this, and maybe I’m wrong, but you may find that it is the more unpleasant of friends which do almost all the arranging of friends getting together. If so, it’s perhaps that they cling to people who they think are better and don’t want to let them go, even if worser friends treat them badly. Again, if true, it would speak largely to somebody wanting something around them which is better than themselves, but in such an arrangement, it is difficult for the better of them to hang around, simply because they too may want to be around somebody better than themselves.

This reminds me of my naughtier days of listening to the show Black Adder. Paraphrasing he said something to his mangy underling friend like: “Most men want to hang around somebody better than themselves so that they can florish in bettering themselves. I, on the other hand, want to be with a complete turniphead, so that way I will know I’m best”.

 

[Denise_R]

Hi Charles,

Actually, these people hold themselves as intelectually superior and frequently make references about certain people “diluting the gene pool” and unabashedly promote eugenics to solve problems in society. We’ve had one or two almost heated discussions – not what I would call fights. I usually just back down or change the subject so as not to escalate it to a fight. They are the ones who invite us about 90% of the time. We feel obligated to reciprocate on ocassion.

Also, they certainly don’t respect our religious views – they might be trying to “save” us. After she insulted the Church and then mentioned all Christians are “catholic” (small c) I casually mentioned she is always welcome to come into the fullness of the Catholic Church. (I’ve noticed, however, their insults have subsided a bit since their son married a Catholic girl last year)

I can also tell when they are trying to play what I would call a “gotcha” game. He will try to sound profound with some statement and not explain himself as a way to make us feel ridiculous if we don’t get it. I’ve come to just ask him, “What is your point?” My husband is mechanically inclined and enjoys outdoor activities such as hunting and is not an intellectual. Recently they made up a pun about id and ego – I got it but my husband didn’t. It’s just not something he would know nor care about. I think they were disappointed I got it but always seem gleeful when they either feel they must explain or say something condescending like, “That’s OK. No one at our bible study got it either.”

I also think it comes down to the fact that we might be the only people in the area who tolerate them and since they like to socialize, they only have us to socialize with.

I think I have been trying to let this relationship die a natural death and they don’t let it happen because we are too nice. I’m not saying we are better but since we were neighbors all those years it was always best to keep the peace and be good neighbors. There are the two biblical verses which seem to contradict: Love thy neighbor and don’t throw your pearls before swine.

 

[noclevername]

noclevername: I doubt my comments here will matter, as I have seen this sort of packrat tendency with my mother. Why do you do it? To dwell on the memories at various times I suppose. I keep a few things myself, you know, like the high school yearbook and such, but I don’t have a single letter. I’m not sorry I don’t have a single letter, I just don’t.

I hate to hijack this thread but since you asked, I am going to answer.
Yeah, I do have to keep it. The reason I keep it is for evidence for lack of a better word. I don’t read it hardly ever but I keep it. Years ago my mother died a tragic violent death. Needless to say I was not easy to get along with. I wasn’t violent, nor did I do drugs or drink, I was just withdrawn and not very socialable. In that time I am still not sure what happened but my stepmother decided she didn’t like me anymore and basically kicked me out of the family. For years I would write apologizing and asked to be let back into the family but she wouldn’t let me. Then she wrote me the ultimatim letter telling me that she had no reason to ever have a relationship with me and that she didn’t care what I did. That is the letter I still have and I’m glad I do. No one in that family had anything to do with me for 12 years. About 12 years later my sister had a baby and they started talking to me again. Then last summer my sister finally asked me why I chose to disassociate myself from the family. Boy that was a surprise question since I had begged to be let back in years ago. So I produced that letter that showed her that I was not allowed back in. Apparently my stepmother had lied to everyone and told them I chose to be abandoned. This was a huge lie. And I’m not happy that this but a wedge between my stepsister and her mother (my stepsister and I were best friends when we were young and thankfully we are best friends again) but there are other things she is having a hard time dealing with her mother about too. But I am keeping that letter as I said before as evidence of sorts. This whole hting with my family has scarred me deeply. I will never trust them again because what if I go through some other tragedy and they disown me again? It happened once, it could happen again. But one day my sister wants us (she and me) to confront my stepmother but she wants everyone and that letter to be there. As much as I don’t want to, I think it might be a good idea because I have never ever had closure. I still don’t know why I was kicked out of the family and I am scared it will happen again.

 

[newf]

)

There are the two biblical verses which seem to contradict: Love thy neighbor and don’t throw your pearls before swine.

I think you are misunderstanding what love is…it’s not always ‘nice’. Remember when Jesus tossed over the money changer’s tables in the temple? Not exactly nice.

We show others love by being part of what is ‘good’ for them. In this case, you are not helping these people be good by allowing them to be so disrespectful to you and your husband. You are actually enabling them to continue on the road of darkness. And you are casting your pearls to swine.

There are many different ways to handle this, whether you just let it slide by not answering your phone, or out right confronting them. But whatever you do, you need to not allow them to treat you so badly anymore. Sometimes cutting people out of our lives for a time is the only way for them to realize how badly they’ve behaved. This is an act of love, to try to help them become better.

 

[Charles_22]

Hi Charles,

Actually, these people hold themselves as intelectually superior and frequently make references about certain people “diluting the gene pool” and unabashedly promote eugenics to solve problems in society. We’ve had one or two almost heated discussions – not what I would call fights. I usually just back down or change the subject so as not to escalate it to a fight. They are the ones who invite us about 90% of the time. We feel obligated to reciprocate on ocassion.

Also, they certainly don’t respect our religious views – they might be trying to “save” us. After she insulted the Church and then mentioned all Christians are “catholic” (small c) I casually mentioned she is always welcome to come into the fullness of the Catholic Church. (I’ve noticed, however, their insults have subsided a bit since their son married a Catholic girl last year)

I can also tell when they are trying to play what I would call a “gotcha” game. He will try to sound profound with some statement and not explain himself as a way to make us feel ridiculous if we don’t get it. I’ve come to just ask him, “What is your point?” My husband is mechanically inclined and enjoys outdoor activities such as hunting and is not an intellectual. Recently they made up a pun about id and ego – I got it but my husband didn’t. It’s just not something he would know nor care about. I think they were disappointed I got it but always seem gleeful when they either feel they must explain or say something condescending like, “That’s OK. No one at our bible study got it either.”

I also think it comes down to the fact that we might be the only people in the area who tolerate them and since they like to socialize, they only have us to socialize with.

I think I have been trying to let this relationship die a natural death and they don’t let it happen because we are too nice. I’m not saying we are better but since we were neighbors all those years it was always best to keep the peace and be good neighbors. There are the two biblical verses which seem to contradict: Love thy neighbor and don’t throw your pearls before swine.

Interesting…
Don’t you just hate the contradictions? Here’s another paraphrased one for you: “Fools press on where angels fear to tread” and “preach Jesus in season and out”. In the contradictin you have though, it’s not quite as much of a breach, You can love the dickens out of your neighbor, and still not ever see them again, which of course would satisfy the pearls thing too. It usually makes loving them more difficult by not seeing them, as we usually interpret things, but it’s very possible. If, in fact, they are ‘too attached’ and I’m not saying they are, the most loving thing to do would be to break with them, both on your end and theirs; though of ocurse they wouldn’t understand why you did it.

Hmm, describing your husband, makes me think that I bet he does those social things with you just because he thinks you’re really into it (and you probably are, that is, much more than him anyway).

That’s really funny about the intellectual puzzle they try to frame to you guys. I can’t say I have ever encountered somebody ever doing that to me, but then I probably would fly so quick from them I wouldn’t remember it too long, but, that’s part of how things are when you don’t have a wife around. I gues it’s pretty rare to have a spouse that is both intellectually and sportsly (what a word!) endowed. Being good at either take’s so much effort.

There was one guy in the IT department that used to give me some fits, and I’m not entirely sure why, but he is probably the longest contact I have had with anybody who quite clearly came off as my intellectual superior. He was a systems programmer named ‘Dudley’. I would come up to him and tell him something I was supposed to tell him, and he would say “And…” as though there waa more that I was supposed to tell him, even if I was through talking. Just hilarious. He used to be almost legendary with some of us operators for just that reason. There’s just nothing more intellectually intimidating than that . Just one word that said so much!

 

[Charles_22]

I hate to hijack this thread but since you asked, I am going to answer.
Yeah, I do have to keep it. The reason I keep it is for evidence for lack of a better word. I don’t read it hardly ever but I keep it. Years ago my mother died a tragic violent death. Needless to say I was not easy to get along with. I wasn’t violent, nor did I do drugs or drink, I was just withdrawn and not very socialable. In that time I am still not sure what happened but my stepmother decided she didn’t like me anymore and basically kicked me out of the family. For years I would write apologizing and asked to be let back into the family but she wouldn’t let me. Then she wrote me the ultimatim letter telling me that she had no reason to ever have a relationship with me and that she didn’t care what I did. That is the letter I still have and I’m glad I do. No one in that family had anything to do with me for 12 years. About 12 years later my sister had a baby and they started talking to me again. Then last summer my sister finally asked me why I chose to disassociate myself from the family. Boy that was a surprise question since I had begged to be let back in years ago. So I produced that letter that showed her that I was not allowed back in. Apparently my stepmother had lied to everyone and told them I chose to be abandoned. This was a huge lie. And I’m not happy that this but a wedge between my stepsister and her mother (my stepsister and I were best friends when we were young and thankfully we are best friends again) but there are other things she is having a hard time dealing with her mother about too. But I am keeping that letter as I said before as evidence of sorts. This whole hting with my family has scarred me deeply. I will never trust them again because what if I go through some other tragedy and they disown me again? It happened once, it could happen again. But one day my sister wants us (she and me) to confront my stepmother but she wants everyone and that letter to be there. As much as I don’t want to, I think it might be a good idea because I have never ever had closure. I still don’t know why I was kicked out of the family and I am scared it will happen again.

Yes, after you explain, I could find myself doing the same thing. It’s a real tossup. I still wouldn’t want it around, but I’m not too convinced having it will make any difference, though having it certainly might help. So what does she do if she still wants to blow off steam despite the letter? I was afraid you were using it to stimulate old memories, and I certainly don’t see a whole lot of point in that, especially since it’s bad.

 

[Denise_R]

I think you are misunderstanding what love is…it’s not always ‘nice’. Remember when Jesus tossed over the money changer’s tables in the temple? Not exactly nice.
.

Point taken. Thank you.

 

[mom_of_2_80]

I don’t think you necessarily have to end the friendship, but I think maybe it would be a good idea to limit the amount of time you spend with them, especially since it doesn’t seem like they care about or respect your views. You could still talk to them and be cordial, but you do not need to spend large amounts of time with them and get angry or be made to feel bad.

 

[The_Smiter]

I don’t think you necessarily have to end the friendship, but I think maybe it would be a good idea to limit the amount of time you spend with them, especially since it doesn’t seem like they care about or respect your views. You could still talk to them and be cordial, but you do not need to spend large amounts of time with them and get angry or be made to feel bad.

End the “friendship.” Life is too short.

Think of yourself on your deathbed. Will you be regretting not spending MORE time with these people? Granted all are worthy of our time and love, even if they are resistant to it. That is the path that Jesus asked us to walk - “Love your enemy as yourself.” But we3 can only do our best. It sounds like you have tried and that your calling may lie elsewhere in talking to and possibly ministering to our Protestant vrothers. It sounds as if these people have heard it and want nothing to do with it - and that includes your generous friendship of which they are obviously ignorant as to how one works.

 

[244Rocket]

a cold break is not necessary, simply stop making and accepting social invitations. no need to say, I don’t think we should be friends any more as our moral and political views differ in so many areas. if you are already dog-sitting and it is too late to spoil their plans, do it, that is an act of pure friendship. But the let things slide after that.

I agree with this. When I meet people who I am totally at odds with, I break it off. I’m the type who will get in their faces and I don’t like doing that so I just try to break it off without having a big blowup. Life’s too short to put up with people you don’t get along with!