Engaged Encounter, Classes etc

[Chiltepin]

I’ve been engaged before (to my college boyfriend) and we later decided it was not our vocation to marry each other. I am now very cautious about engagements and marriage for kind of a silly reason. I don’t want to get engaged again and not go through with it, and become some kind of joke.

How do you think most churches would feel about allowing you into their marriage program as more of a platform for discernment rather than an everyone knows you are engaged and just getting the classes out of the way situation.

Do you know of any discernment programs that exist for couples who are not engaged?

I could, of course, inquire at my local parish, and if I get more serious about it, definitely will. It was just a thought I had all of the sudden and I thought someone here might know.

Maybe I should have done this in the vocations section…oops

 

[txstm]

I’ve been engaged before (to my college boyfriend) and we later decided it was not our vocation to marry each other. I am now very cautious about engagements and marriage for kind of a silly reason. I don’t want to get engaged again and not go through with it, and become some kind of joke.

How do you think most churches would feel about allowing you into their marriage program as more of a platform for discernment rather than an everyone knows you are engaged and just getting the classes out of the way situation.

Do you know of any discernment programs that exist for couples who are not engaged?

I could, of course, inquire at my local parish, and if I get more serious about it, definitely will. It was just a thought I had all of the sudden and I thought someone here might know.

Maybe I should have done this in the vocations section…oops

I don’t know the answer to your question, but I felt compelled to respond to your fear of being viewed as a joke because you broke off an engagement that you knew wasn’t right for you. Quite the contrary of being a joke, you obviously have a great deal of maturity to realize you and your fiance were not the right match. MUCH better to end it while still engaged than to go through with a wedding that you know isn’t right.

 

[agapewolf]

I’ve been engaged before (to my college boyfriend) and we later decided it was not our vocation to marry each other. I am now very cautious about engagements and marriage for kind of a silly reason. I don’t want to get engaged again and not go through with it, and become some kind of joke.

How do you think most churches would feel about allowing you into their marriage program as more of a platform for discernment rather than an everyone knows you are engaged and just getting the classes out of the way situation.

Do you know of any discernment programs that exist for couples who are not engaged?

I could, of course, inquire at my local parish, and if I get more serious about it, definitely will. It was just a thought I had all of the sudden and I thought someone here might know.

Maybe I should have done this in the vocations section…oops

Priests are grateful when couples take discernment seriously. I know of several priests who love the idea of a couple coming for help before there is even talk of a ring. Takign the foccus first, takeing the myerrs briggs, etc. After these discernment tools are used and the couple discerns together that they are called to marriage, then engagement can happen. Like I said on another thread, engagement should never be a surprise. A proposal can be, but not engagement. I’d even recommend going through the marriage prep together before engagement.

Once a date is set and people start investing financially and emotionally, the freedom to say no starts to leave.

 

[Rach620]

As someone who is married and went through a marriage prep/pre-cana program in the last couple of years, let me just say that these “programs” really are not all they are cracked up to be. I can’t see how they would be helpful to a couple in a discernment process for marriage. My experience was that all of the Church’s teachings about marriage, along with a bunch of advice relating to married life (ie, conflict resolution and financial management) were thrown at you (and a few dozen other couples) with little depth. The program in my diocese seems to be more of a well-intentioned bureaucratic step that stands between couples seeking marriage in the Church and the wedding day.

That all said, I do not want to discourage you from seeking out spiritual guidance as you discern your vocation with a significant other in the future. I just think that a much more productive way of doing this would be to approach your priest and ask to meet with him for spiritual direction and vocational discernment questions as a couple, and go from there. That way you can talk to someone who gets to know you, your boyfriend, and your concerns and can offer sound advice. You can supplement these conversations with your own joint study of the Church’s teachings on marriage (Familiaris Consortio, Humanae Vitae and the Catechism for starters) and other Catholic marriage resources, such as the theology of the body, the Four Love Languages, etc.

It is very wise of you to seek this sort of support for your discernment process in the future. And don’t worry what other people think of you for taking marriage so seriously–it probably means that they do not take it seriously enough!

 

[Chiltepin]

I don’t know the answer to your question, but I felt compelled to respond to your fear of being viewed as a joke because you broke off an engagement that you knew wasn’t right for you. Quite the contrary of being a joke, you obviously have a great deal of maturity to realize you and your fiance were not the right match. MUCH better to end it while still engaged than to go through with a wedding that you know isn’t right.

Thanks. I do not regret breaking off that engagement, obviously. I do regret dating him for such a long time before we got to all of that. I have another fairly serious boyfriend now and I just don’t want to end up engaged a second time only not to go through with it. You are right though, better to break off a few engagements (hopefully not) than to be in an unhappy marriage.

Priests are grateful when couples take discernment seriously. I know of several priests who love the idea of a couple coming for help before there is even talk of a ring. Takign the foccus first, takeing the myerrs briggs, etc. After these discernment tools are used and the couple discerns together that they are called to marriage, then engagement can happen. Like I said on another thread, engagement should never be a surprise. A proposal can be, but not engagement. I’d even recommend going through the marriage prep together before engagement.

Once a date is set and people start investing financially and emotionally, the freedom to say no starts to leave.

I think that is really good advice. I hope my parish priest feels that way.

 

[Joan_M]

Thanks. I do not regret breaking off that engagement, obviously. I do regret dating him for such a long time before we got to all of that. I have another fairly serious boyfriend now and I just don’t want to end up engaged a second time only not to go through with it. You are right though, better to break off a few engagements (hopefully not) than to be in an unhappy marriage.

My oldest son was engaged three times. The first time I prayed that he would see that she was not right for him. The engagement did not last. The second time I was ok with it, but that engagement did not last either. The third time was the gold medal winner!! They have been married for 13 years now.

Engagement is the time for serious discernment. However, it would be good to have some discernment regarding whether it would be right to get engaged

 

[puzzleannie]

How do you think most churches would feel about allowing you into their marriage program as more of a platform for discernment rather than an everyone knows you are engaged and just getting the classes out of the way situation.

Do you know of any discernment programs that exist for couples who are not engaged?

I

i don’t think engaged encounter, pe-cana and the various marriage preparation programs are geared toward this, but the idea is a good one, and many dioceses are responding to the need.

we have, through the Young Adult Ministry office, a 2 day event each year called How to avoid marrying a Jerk or Jerkette, which pretty much says it all, covers the ins and outs of dating, courtship etc and discerning the marriage vocation. We also have Theology of the Body in several parishes and through campus ministry.

This year the theme for Catechetical Sunday is strengthening Marriage and a lot of dioceses will be implementing special programs and events to do that. there is a national 3 day conference in June for parish and diocesan pastoral staff, for which I don’t have the flyer available here. Several programs such as Familia focus on the type of discernment you are talking about.

Ask at your diocesan Family Life Office, or at youth and young adult ministry office, or campus ministry in your area, yes the need is recognized and some places are responding to it.

 

[tee_eff_em]

[Disclosure: My bride and I formerly led Engaged Encounter Weekends]

I cannot speak to all programs, but an EE weekend *could *be helpful in this regard. It would be unusual, but not unheard of, for a couple to attend a weekend without being formally engaged to marry.
(I think we encountered one such couple in our tenure with the program. Other “unusual” couples: One couple in which neither party was Catholic; One couple who, for extreme circumstances, were 2-week newly-weds)

However:

Do you know of any discernment programs that exist for couples who are not engaged?

What are you doing now that is not discernment?

By which I mean: Candidates for the sacraments in RCIA receive a year of instruction; Candidates for ordination receive 4 (or more) years of instruction; But candidates seeking marriage receive 6 Wednesday evening classes, or 44 hours on a weekend, or whatever – What’s up with that?

Well, for good or for ill, primary catechesis for married life comes from your own family, and primary discernment for the vocation comes through your dating and courtship, no?

:twocents:
tee

 

[ComputerGeek25]

[Disclosure: My bride and I formerly led Engaged Encounter Weekends]

I cannot speak to all programs, but an EE weekend *could *be helpful in this regard. It would be unusual, but not unheard of, for a couple to attend a weekend without being formally engaged to marry.
(I think we encountered one such couple in our tenure with the program. Other “unusual” couples: One couple in which neither party was Catholic; One couple who, for extreme circumstances, were 2-week newly-weds)

However:

What are you doing now that is not discernment?

By which I mean: Candidates for the sacraments in RCIA receive a year of instruction; Candidates for ordination receive 4 (or more) years of instruction; But candidates seeking marriage receive 6 Wednesday evening classes, or 44 hours on a weekend, or whatever – What’s up with that?

Well, for good or for ill, primary catechesis for married life comes from your own family, and primary discernment for the vocation comes through your dating and courtship, no?

:twocents:
tee

I think the issue is that there is little formal or structured things for singles* in many Catholic churches or diocese. It seems to me that stuff seems to be geared towards families or for sacramental preperation.

By the time a couple gets engaged, I think it may be too late, in some cases. People have their hearts set. And I’ve heard that some of these classes can be a joke.

*defining singles as people who are not engaged or married. This includes people who are dating.

 

[HouseArrest]

We went to an EE weekend (a long time ago…) and no one ever asked to see an engagement ring… I can’t imagine you wouldn’t be able to go to one. Just don’t tell any of your friends and family.

Many of my friends and their spouses went to EE weekends also, and some have said that people have left the weekend “unengaged”. I think that proves that it can be a good discernment tool!