Engagement Worries

[Daisies88]

Hi everyone! I hope this is an okay place to ask for a little advice since I am hurting a bit right now.

My fiance and I were scheduled to be married early last year, but he was hurt very badly by a car when he had been walking across the street. Wedding plans were put on hold, because he was unable to even get out of bed on his own. My whole focus became helping take care of him as he experienced several months where he was unable to work. We do not live together, so I would come over before/after work to cook, clean, help him to the restroom, and visit with him. I helped where I could financially as well. With the Lord’s help, he has fully healed and is back to his happy self.

Now that he is better (he was hurt about 20 months ago), we began our wedding planning again at the beginning of January. I lost my job a few months ago and have been trying to find one since. I am very quiet and shy, so I have been failing terribly in my interviews. I stumble over words and struggle a lot with being confident. My fiance feels it would be best to put our wedding plans on hold again until after I have a solid job again. To be honest, this broke my heart a little. Financial security is incredibly important him, because it money trouble causes a lot of disagreements in marriages.

I know that he loves me. He does his best. He is kind and honest; practical and smart. He sends me links with lots of jobs to apply for and has ideas about different masters degree programs that I can try. I appreciate those suggestions a lot. I am trying very hard to find a job. Right now, I just wish that he could give me a little love and emotional support. I feel pretty alone.

Maybe I am just feeling extra sad, because my best friend just had her wedding (It was beautiful, by the way). Both she and her new husband looked very happy. They are both such wonderfully kind people! So any sadness and jealousy on my part is very unbecoming.

I am so sorry that this is so long and that it sounds self-pitying. I think I just need someone to remind me that I am being unreasonable and need to be more patient. I need to focus more on my blessings. But I do feel a bit like a failure right now.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

And what if you get another job, you get married, then you lose it? I could understand if you weren’t trying and he had concerns about laziness. But hard times happen to everyone, and if he can’t marry you in hard times, why would you think he’ll stay with you through them?

 

[PatriceA]

I think its totally understandable to be worried. I would be a more than a little concerned myself if I was in your shoes. I can understand wanting to have the finances a bit stable when getting married, but on the other hand it would raise a red flag for me. There is no guarantee that either of you will never face a job loss again, there is no guarantee that your finances will remain stable the whole life of your marriage. There will be times that you may struggle with money even when you both may have jobs. And what happens when you start to have children? Does he not want you to be a stay at home mom, do you want to stay at home or work or do you not get a say in that decision?

I don’t know if you have talked to him about any differences you two have about money and its place in your future, other than he wants you to have a job and be financial stable before getting married. But I would feel a bit put out, like I wasn’t considered worthy of being married to until I was employed. What happens again if one of you has another health crisis and can’t work? These are all questions that need to be discussed NOW, not until they might happen. These are serious questions that need to be answered before I would want to move ahead in the wedding plans.

 

[fred_conty]

You were very good to him during his illness of almost 2 years when he didn’t have a job.
Now he hesitates when both of you are single and don’t have any responsibilities of children.
Life couldn’t be better or easier at this point. Maybe this accident was a godsend to warn you. I think it would be good to have a heart to heart talk with him. It just dosen’t sound like a good excuse to me for someone in love. When two people are really in love, most of the time nothing can talk them out of it, including being poor.

Just thinking out loud.

 

[Daisies88]

Thank you for taking the time to respond BlueEyedLady

And what if you get another job, you get married, then you lose it? I could understand if you weren’t trying and he had concerns about laziness. But hard times happen to everyone, and if he can’t marry you in hard times, why would you think he’ll stay with you through them?

Those are two really good questions. When he asked to postpone the wedding plans, I did ask him what would have happened if we had already been married when I lost my job. He said that would not be an ideal situation, but that he would stay and work through it with me. He is an honest person, so I do believe that he would stay during the hard times.

He is just always really practical and I tend to be a bit more emotional. I think he wants to avoid a struggle if he can. He is helping me, by sending some job links and with school ideas. He even helped me do a practice interview once. I do think he is trying his best to be there for me in his own way.

I will have to think a little bit more about those questions that you asked. Your points are really valid. Thank you.

 

[jilly4ski]

Thank you for taking the time to respond BlueEyedLady

Those are two really good questions. When he asked to postpone the wedding plans, I did ask him what would have happened if we had already been married when I lost my job. He said that would not be an ideal situation, but that he would stay and work through it with me. He is an honest person, so I do believe that he would stay during the hard times.

He is just always really practical and I tend to be a bit more emotional. I think he wants to avoid a struggle if he can. He is helping me, by sending some job links and with school ideas. He even helped me do a practice interview once. I do think he is trying his best to be there for me in his own way.

I will have to think a little bit more about those questions that you asked. Your points are really valid. Thank you.

hmm, I guess I am just confused why a loss of a job would put wedding plans on hold unless there were some practical reasons, like you two can’t afford the wedding without your job. (Then it might be time to think about a cheaper wedding, or sit down and do some major budgeting).

 

[Daisies88]

Thank you PatriceA for taking the time to give advice to a stranger. I really appreciate it!

There will be times that you may struggle with money even when you both may have jobs. And what happens when you start to have children? Does he not want you to be a stay at home mom, do you want to stay at home or work or do you not get a say in that decision?

I don’t know if you have talked to him about any differences you two have about money and its place in your future, other than he wants you to have a job and be financial stable before getting married. But I would feel a bit put out, like I wasn’t considered worthy of being married to until I was employed. What happens again if one of you has another health crisis and can’t work? These are all questions that need to be discussed NOW, not until they might happen. These are serious questions that need to be answered before I would want to move ahead in the wedding plans.

We have talked about what would happen when we have children. It would really mean a lot to me to be able to take care of any babies, especially when they are younger. He is supportive of this if we can build up a sufficient nest egg first. We have talked about the possibility of my running a home day care, which would allow me be with our future children while earning money for the family. We looked into the laws in our state, to see if this could be possible. We would need to have an actual home for that to work though; right now we both rent our own apartments. I would like to be a stay at home mom, but that might not be possible right away.

Because the marriage vows always say “for better or for worse,” I always imagined that he would still stand by me if I had a health issue that kept me from working, the way I did my best to help him. He is a good person and is honorable. He does love me, they way that I love him. We just show it in different ways. I have not asked him this question before though. I will think of a way to ask him about this tonight.

Your response illuminated some of my own worries. Sometimes I think too much with my emotions rather than with my head. Reading what you typed makes me think a bit about my own concerns. I will try to have a heart to heart with him tonight.

Thank you again for helping me

 

[Daisies88]

You were very good to him during his illness of almost 2 years when he didn’t have a job.
Now he hesitates when both of you are single and don’t have any responsibilities of children.
Life couldn’t be better or easier at this point. Maybe this accident was a godsend to warn you. I think it would be good to have a heart to heart talk with him. It just dosen’t sound like a good excuse to me for someone in love. When two people are really in love, most of the time nothing can talk them out of it, including being poor.

Just thinking out loud.

Thank you for giving me something to think about. Your response was very helpful. I will talk to him tonight, and then I will go from there. Thank you so much!

 

[Daisies88]

hmm, I guess I am just confused why a loss of a job would put wedding plans on hold unless there were some practical reasons, like you two can’t afford the wedding without your job. (Then it might be time to think about a cheaper wedding, or sit down and do some major budgeting).

My parents have been very generous and are paying for the wedding. They started setting money aside for that when I was very small. It is going to be only family and close friends, maybe forty people invited. I very much appreciate my mom and dad’s kind gift.

 

[Lacour]

We have talked about what would happen when we have children. It would really mean a lot to me to be able to take care of any babies, especially when they are younger. He is supportive of this if we can build up a sufficient nest egg first. We have talked about the possibility of my running a home day care, which would allow me be with our future children while earning money for the family. We looked into the laws in our state, to see if this could be possible. We would need to have an actual home for that to work though; right now we both rent our own apartments. I would like to be a stay at home mom, but that might not be possible.

You need to figure this out now sooner than later and well before you get married. If its important to you to stay home and he doesn’t allow it, you’ll end up with a marriage of resentment. And you really need to be specific about what “sufficient” means. Is that 6 months of expenses, 12 months?

Frankly, I’d really sit down and think about what his actions say and how you feel about that? None of us can tell you what to do, but delaying a wedding for something like this makes it seems like he values money over the other kinds of contributions you’ve made and will make to his life.

 

[Catholic1954]

I would give this guy another good, hard, long look before marrying him. It sounds like he considers you co-responsible for providing for the family. Is that ok with you? If he expects you bring in a paycheck, is he willing to pitch in and help with the household jobs, like cleaning the bathroom, or cooking dinner and washing the pots and pans after working for eight hours? If he wants to postpone having children until he thinks there is enough money put away, that day may never come. He will find some excuse to wait until you can afford a bigger home or that promotion or raise comes through or you pay off such and such debt first. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, just not the right guy to be your faithful, supportive partner for the rest of your life.

 

[joanofarc2008]

I think you have already proved responsible. I am almost wondering if he is having some lingering doubts due to his accident and his own suitability for marriage. Has he been showing other signs of depression since the accident?

 

[Daisies88]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my plea for advice Lacour, Catholic1954, and JoanofArc2008. You have been very kind. I am thinking about all of the suggestions that you had to offer. I will pray a bit more before I talk to my fiance tonight

I think you have already proved responsible. I am almost wondering if he is having some lingering doubts due to his accident and his own suitability for marriage. Has he been showing other signs of depression since the accident?

You brought up something that I had not thought of before, simply because he seems to be back to his normal self. Maybe he is worried about his ability to be a good husband. I will think about that when I say my prayers.