Engagement

[SkooterT]

I hope I put this in the right forum…

Anyway,

I would like to know if I am doing the right thing, because all of the advice I have been getting online about chastity is just not what I was looking for. So I guess I should start from the beginning (wow I sound like every other woman lol)

Well my boyfriend and I have gotten to the point in our 2 1/2 years of our relationship that we are getting ready to make the leap to engagement. As part of the agreement I told him that we would have to be chaste. So to really start I should tell you about him, because all of these answers I would keep getting is leave him.

He is very kind and has a great family who love and respect me, as well as he does. When we get into an argument we will solve our differences within the next couple of hours and forget about it later. He was with other women before me and didn’t wait, but waited until I was ready. I waited longer than most of my friends have by five times (Im talking about months, they only waited about a month). Our relationship isn’t based on sex, but the friendship we both share with one another. I am his best friend and he is mine, and even if sometimes he has a hard time showing weakness, he couldn’t tell anyone else but me about it. We are completely open with one another, and no matter what a friend says about “don’t tell him I said this or that” I do so anyway because we could never keep a secret from one another. Our families completely agree with our relationship, and he has received my fathers blessing (which sadly isn’t common today). He has never in anyway disrespected my parents and would ask them for their permission on anything. The fact that we value our friendship and deep connection over our sex life basically explains the kind of relationship we have.

Now as for me I was a practicing Catholic when I was a teenager, but now at 21 I just grew away, however the itching conscience about chastity has still haunted me. I felt like I made the right decision by giving it to him (I was a virgin before). So I still believe that we have a great relationship that I could just never let go of. He himself said (and he is catholic just never practiced and was never taught about his faith) that if he knew about chastity in the first place, he would have saved it for me and would like to if he could.

I will marry him, but there are some circumstances that I had laid down for him. First off we would have to be chaste during our engagement. Secondly our engagement would be for a couple years or more until I know it is time for us to be married under God. I believe that by being chaste not just for months will really give us the opportunity to grow on our friendship even more, and really show that we care for one another, by getting another chance to wait for one another.

Other advice I have gotten has said you should leave him, because if he doesn’t wait for you then he doesn’t love you, but he really wishes he could have had the chance to wait for me. It was my fault for not being open about the chaste thing from the start, and he really would make the effort if given another chance, like I would.

Should two people who really care for one another and want to set things right because they screwed up really have to part?

 

[PureGrace]

I am actually 21 as well. I consider myself an ex-Catholic.

I think your relationship sounds very good. You have made some bad choices in the past (from the perspective of the Church), but I am sure you will get much encouragement in your desire to set things back to how you feel they should be.

Personally, I do not think that there is anything wrong with your relationship as it stands right now, but based on Church teaching, the sex before marriage thing is uncool.

I am assuming he has a agreed to resume living chastely? If he has, then you are clearly ready to go! You certainly don’t have to part and you shouldn’t part.

So don’t worry. Be thankful that you have found a man with whom you have such a great relationship. Communicate your feelings with him, and continue to pursue what you feel is the right path.

Just to re-emphasize: Don’t give him up. He sounds like he is more than a keeper!

 

[EmBee]

Should two people who really care for one another and want to set things right because they screwed up really have to part?

Of course not, but you two need to be aware that it will be very hard to resume a non-sexual relationship now. Especially since you expect that your engagement will be a year or more (if you know you’re going to marry him, why force a long engagement?).

My fiance and I commited ourselves to chastity when we met, however, we had both had sex in previous relationships before meeting each other. The hardest part for us hasn’t been ignoring the desire for physical pleasure, but denying the comfort and intimacy that comes from making love. If you and your boyfriend are serious about remaining chaste (it can be done), you will both have to sacrifice a lot. The boundary can’t be “no sex, but everything else is cool” because the “everything else” is what leads to sex. Sometimes, instead of leaning on my fiance when I am feeling vulnerable and needy, I draw away from him because I’m afraid that I will take advantage of my own emotions and end up in a sinful situation. My drawing away makes him feel like I don’t rely on him. Then I get frustrated … get the idea? There are lots of emotional layers to this. Sex is a very powerful way to cope with certain situations and bond with your partner. You know that, but you’re about to make a decision to deny yourself of that. You’re also going to forego the carefree feeling of passionate kissing/hugging/cuddling/etc, because in the back of your head you’ll be thinking “Oh no, I can’t get carried away.” How will you deal with the feelings inside yourself when you know it’s not appropriate to have sex and you won’t allow yourself to - but you still want to? Will you be the “gatekeeper of sex” or will he? Will either of you resent that role? What if he takes things too far? What if you take things too far?

There are lots of ways that going from sex to no sex can break a relationship, but it can also really make a relationship. You will need to redefine your relationship, and communicate much more. Identify patterns (stress, for example) that make you two want to have sex and talk about them. Avoid being alone together. Don’t temp each other (sleeping over at each other’s houses/cuddling on the couch - you get the idea). Then talk and talk and talk.

Sometimes it’s really frustrating that I can’t make love to my fiance, but it has gotten easier and easier over time. My main concern now is that once we do get married we’ll get carried away and focus too much on sex and not enough on communication (I think many couples have this “problem” at least for a little while ). I do expect that once we’re married, we’ll have to spend a lot of effort re-training ourselves to react/rely on each other physically. Since we’ve spent so long training ourselves to ignore each other’s physical touch/needs, I suspect that will be difficult.

Anyway, that’s just my personal experience. Best of luck with your relationship. If you are committed to chastity you can definitely do it. Get support from your friends, talk with your boyfriend, pray to God, and talk to your boyfriend again (and again).

–

 

[IrishAm]

. . . if you know you’re going to marry him, why force a long engagement?

My thought as well.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi there–

It seems like you have two questions really…one in your poll–‘is this relationship a bad one,’ and should you have a long engagement? If I’m reading it right?

First, no, you don’t have a ‘bad’ relationship, he sounds very much like a good guy…I don’t believe in holding people’s pasts against them. I also think that it’s very possible to stop having sex now, and ‘save yourselves’ for marriage. Many people do it. My now husband and I did that when we were dating–I was a virgin, he had been with women before me. It will be well worth the wait.

Second, that being said–I agree with the other poster…why wait to be married? You have dated each other for a while, have your dad’s blessing…I don’t see why you’d need to wait for years to get married, if you have gotten to know one another for a while, now?

I wish you all of God’s blessings for a long lasting relationship. I think that your dilemma is easier than you think to resolve! God bless! *

 

[ahollars]

Man’s perspective…

I fell away as a teenager too, and engaged in fornication. This is literally playing with fire. Once you have activated that part of your soul, you cannot simply just shut the switch off and pretend that you didn’t, especially if you are still with that person. Maybe you don’t feel that way, but take it from me, he definitely will, and the only thing a long engagement will do is pull at him in agony.

If you know you are going to marry him, and you both are ready elsewhere in life, then there’s no reason for an artificial timeline of two years. What do you believe the two years will prove? Why can’t it be done in six months? All of this may seem serious to you, but after a few months, he will begin to question just what are you testing him for. If you are testing yourself rather than him, then you are not ready for marriage, because there should be nothing left to test for someone who has accepted a proposal.

Two years is an eternity to be without someone you’ve already been with. Please be careful not to place value on the superficial, but instead rely on the faith that you both share. God forbid, a lot can happen in two years. Take everyone’s advice here, and start planning your wedding now.