Estranged and disappointed catechumen

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DeepBlueSea

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It has been six months since I joined the RCIA. So far I have perfect attendance. On top of that, I have taken up bible study class in our parish. In short, I go to church 3 days a week after work and on Sunday to learn about the faith. Not to mention all the side readings I study to enrich my understanding of the faith.

I thought through prayers, bible study, interactions with the parish community and attending mass will help me to build and deepen my faith. Unfortunately, I find it a struggle. I can’t relate to the other catholic believers. Sometimes, I feel like God has estranged me, just like my mother did.

It seems to me that the Holy Spirit is just a farce. I was expecting the Holy Spirit as a powerful force that will transform an individual and sustain a person on its journey towards God. It just does not work on me, which is really disappointing and makes me more the depressed and disorientated.

Has anyone experience this before? How to you deal with it?
 
don’t look for a loud voice, but a gentle whisper. yes, I think it is common. First of all you are learning something brand new and it will help change your life, but I have found the transformation a slooooow process and little by little it transforms you. The Holy Spirit is not a farce, He speaks and leads and guides you, but it is slow and gentle. To push it. you will probably learn more thouroughly than those who do not dive in as you did.

Have you been trying to build relationships with the others in your classes?
 
I will direct you to the Fourth Joyful Mystery of the rosary – Jesus’ Presentation in the Temple. In the temple, they met a man named Simeon who was told that he would not die until he saw God’s Chosen One. And so he waited for years before finally seeing Jesus.

What do we learn from the story of Simeon? We learn that our faith takes patience. Even the most pious and holy can go for a long time without feeling God’s presence in their lives. Just read some of Mother Teresa’s letters and the feeling of despair she often felt. But in the end, God comes to everyone at the right time (not the time we think it right, but the time God knows is right). So stay strong as your patience and dedication will pay off one day (and what a reward it will be!).
 
I have never had strong feelings of closeness to God or stirrings of the Holy Spirit. I’m a cradle Catholic myself, and used to get a bit jealous of people who experienced these things. Now I’m happy not to get them, but to be content with becoming more and more sure that the Catholic Church holds the truth.

I know of people who do experience these things and I think it’s a real gift for them, but it’s not an indication that you’re getting it right, it’s just different for each person. One thing I did hear is that for a couple of people who joined the Church, they were completely overwhelmed after their first Holy Communion, and the joy they experienced lasted for a while, but eventually went away and they were left feeling alone. There is a lot of literature written about the Long Dark Night of the Soul. Mother Theresa apparently went for years without spiritual consolation.

And remember the words of the Gospel: Blessed is he who believes and has not seen. I think it takes a strong person to stay faithful and strong when he watches others receiving consolations and feels nothing himself.

Don’t look for proof of the Holy Spirit working by waiting for feelings, but look at the results. Are you finding it easier to avoid certain sins? Has something become available to you that wasn’t before? Do you find that you have a deeper understanding of a certain concept that eluded you before? Do you find that you have a particular desire to pray a certain prayer? All of these could be the gentle leadings of the Holy Spirit.

I’m really only figuring Him out myself and He is very mysterious - I still don’t know quite what to make of Him but finding out is part of the journey, and our whole life is a journey. We never stop learning and growing.
 
My dear Brother,

It’s very important to separate our feelings, which can vary from something as simple as weather or blood sugar levels and the facts… the objective truth, that the Holy Spirit has affirmed within us and which has drawn us to our most holy faith.

Have you sat down and simply brought all this to the Lord in prayer? I find that it always helps me. Not to “feel better”, so much as to know that I have given it all over to The One who can actually deal with it all and bring comfort.

Not that I become “comfortable”, which is a very different thing, but that I know that I have been obedient and am…even in my difficulty and discomfort, walking a shared path of suffering with Our Lord Jesus Christ.

I’m not sure what your expectations were for your fellow Catholics, but I know that all my fellow Catholics are very human. Most times I am very grateful for their fellowship in the faith, but sometimes…well they don’t respond quite the way I had hoped they would, which creates all manner of odd feelings about them, but ultimately it draws me to pray for them and commit them to His loving mercy, knowing that I too often am in need of it. (I really hope I am making some sense here…)

Often, it seems to me that the common denominator is our human weaknesses and our common faith is the only viable answer. I am grateful to God when they are strong and helpful to me, and I am prayerful when they are not so much, hoping that someone else is out there praying for me when I too prove so imperfect.

I suggest that you open your heart and ask Our Lord to guide you to make friends and, just like Our Lord Himself, love them exactly as you find them and rejoice that they too will do the same for you.

I hope I have helped a little and please know that you will now be in all my prayers.
The peace of the Lord be with you always.
 
Dear All,

Thanks for all your replies and advices. I really appreciate them and it is assuring to be able to share my struggles with people who can understand.

@mamaslo,

There were a few times in the past when I felt like skipping RCIA and bible study classes as I struggled to relate to the subject but there was a tiny voice (or my subconscious) urging me to go and persevere.

Building relationship with others in the classes has been a bit difficult for two reasons (1) I’m an introvert and it is quite a struggle for me to strike a casual conversation with others (2) Most sponsors and catechumens seems to prefer to converse at a more superficial level, probably because they avoid discussing difficult or controversial questions that make people feel uneasy.

Sometimes I get skeptical about the slow transformation effected by the Holy Spirit because a gradual transformation is probably a product of learned behavior, not through the Holy Spirit. No?

@PrayHarder @ admonsta

Yes, patience is a virtue that I am lacking. I am frustrated by my own impatience. It is just that since the path towards God is so sacred and probably the most important thing in my life, I instinctively assumed that it would be joyous, delightful and uplifting. I guess I was wrong.

I don’t understand Mother Teresa. It is puzzling how she persisted despite feeling such emptiness. The sense of alienation and despair she felt stood as a stark contrast to the selflessness she exhibited. Enigma.

@Church Militant

It did not occur to me to bring all these to the Lord in prayer. I will start doing it.

Thanks for putting things in perspective. May be the sense of unfulfilment is a result of my own unrealistic expectation. But then again, it is human nature to have such reflex when one is yearning towards the source of all holiness. It does not make sense to deny our emotional needs even though we are on a spiritual quest.
 
DeepBlueSea said:
Dear All,

Thanks for all your replies and advices. I really appreciate them and it is assuring to be able to share my struggles with people who can understand.

@Church Militant

It did not occur to me to bring all these to the Lord in prayer. I will start doing it.

Thanks for putting things in perspective. May be the sense of unfulfilment is a result of my own unrealistic expectation. But then again, it is human nature to have such reflex when one is yearning towards the source of all holiness. It does not make sense to deny our emotional needs even though we are on a spiritual quest.
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One great place to do that is in Eucharistic Adoration. That time with Our Lord is very intense and yet very very comforting. Many people (even archbishop Fulton Sheen) have said that it was/is key to their better living their faith, as well as an instrument of miraculous unity for the whole parish they are in. Personally I love it and would love to do more of it.

Expectations can be a problem. Many people expect everyone in the church to be super saints or something, while forgetting that we all are sinful humans. We forget St. Thomas, who expressed his doubts and yet when he saw Our Lord, exclaimed “My Lord and my God.” and St. Peter who early on straight off told Our Lord, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.”, Then after swearing he’d follow Him to prison and death, denied Him 3 times, yet did indeed ultimately follow Him to prison and to death, but even so told his executioners he was not worthy to die like his Lord and was chosen by our Lord to be the rock He would build His church upon. St. Paul got the word put on him when he complained about being so weak when He responded"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2nd Corinthians 12:9)
 
DeepBlueSea said:
. Sometimes, I feel like God has estranged me, just like my mother did.

?
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I have heard over and over again in RCIA training seminars, from people with lots of RCIA experience and most important from participants that until one is able to heal from a wound like this that comes from a parent, the conversion process will be very difficult, and the barriers such as you describe, in particular inability to experience God as a loving Father, can be huge. Anything you can do and any help you can find in moving through that will be an important part of your journey, but as you already know it won’t happen overnight. Also important, the rites themselves, particularly the scrutinies, are themselves healing to a degree.
has been six months since I joined the RCIA. So far I have perfect attendance. On top of that, I have taken up bible study class in our parish. In short, I go to church 3 days a week after work and on Sunday to learn about the faith. Not to mention all the side readings I study to enrich my understanding of the faith.
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although emotionally you don’t see or feel an action of the HOly Spirit, your persistence and humble acceptance and attendance are proof he is at work in you

don’t look for an emotional reaction, look for fruits of the Spirit. Is there a growth in virtue, in kindness, generosity, a desire to do good without seeking a reward, a new caring for the poor, those kinds of things are also evidence.
 
My RCIA experience was an increasing feeling of joy, serenity and the definiteness that I was coming home.

I am very grateful for that.

I pray regularly for all converts to find the marvelous joys I found in the Church and I will certainly think of you when I do that in future.

I think everyone’s personal experiences will of course be individual, but I think any expectation of a sudden rush-in of the Holy Spirit is more in line with Pentacostals and like that who are so suddenly taken they speak in tongues, for example. We were even told in RCIA at the time of our confirmation not to expect feelings like that, although they could happen but that it wasn’t the norm.

For me, the feeling was a gradually increasing sense of well-being that never wavered and builds still.

I loved RCIA, I love going to Mass and I feel great joy in all the sacraments. I hope this for you as well. 🙂
 
DeepBlueSea said:
Dear All,

Thanks for all your replies and advices. I really appreciate them and it is assuring to be able to share my struggles with people who can understand.

@mamaslo,

There were a few times in the past when I felt like skipping RCIA and bible study classes as I struggled to relate to the subject but there was a tiny voice (or my subconscious) urging me to go and persevere.

Building relationship with others in the classes has been a bit difficult for two reasons (1) I’m an introvert and it is quite a struggle for me to strike a casual conversation with others (2) Most sponsors and catechumens seems to prefer to converse at a more superficial level, probably because they avoid discussing difficult or controversial questions that make people feel uneasy.

Sometimes I get skeptical about the slow transformation effected by the Holy Spirit because a gradual transformation is probably a product of learned behavior, not through the Holy Spirit. No?
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I too am an introvert. It doesn’t hurt to talk about superficial things to get started. Like Church Militant said take it to the Lord in prayer. sit with your questions during adoration. Soak in that peace.

As an introvert, I think a lot. Sometimes to my detriment, actually, to my detriment a lot! Very often folks will not be as deep of a thinker as you are, but you don’t have to be perfect friends just accept them where they are. they may all be coping with deep issues and the superficial is all they can handle to share with others. Sometimes, well they are just superficial, yet God loves us all.

I tell people a certain color looks good on them when they wear it. I do it because everyone needs a pickmeup. It sounds superficial, but I have learned, those who even want or have the time to talk deeply are few and far between. Sometimes, there are just a myriad of reasons it could be.

Find something in popular culture like football (that I find boring) and see how that person feels about a certain team. Just learn the art of conversation. As you go, you will find that needs exist and needs you can help fulfill because you are capable.

I work with teens and it took me 3 years to get the hang of what they like, and they are like adults only adults shut themselves off because they are married. We need one another, and have a father in heaven to please.

No. I think the gentle still small voice that is the Holy Spirit…speaks when it is needed and the rest of the time is you cooperating with the way things work. Just look around you and there is a pattern for everything. LIke a great designer made things to work and there is truth in that because it just is…

So behavior modification is part of it. you choose, God gave the grace through his death and resurrection so you can be whole.

Don’t let the introvert thing stop you from trying. You too have value to add to the conversation.
 
@ church militant

I went back to 2 Corinthians to look at the context in which “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” was said and found that a thorn in the flesh is there to prevent one from becoming conceited.

@ monicad

I am not seeking to get emotionally high or get overwhelmed with joy. I just wish to get a little bit enlightened in order to alleviate the misery I feel. It feels miserable to want to be drawn to God but being held back because of skepticism, inability to reconcile the apparent inconsistencies in the system of belief and the very dry sense of reality. I can’t even live my life to its fullest, why would I want to pursue eternal life which is so remote (because no one has come back to confirm what it is like) and inconsequential to my current life which is what I am trying to live in the first place?

@ puzzleannie

Yes, I still carry a lot of baggage from the past that i wish it never happen or i can just forget about it. Although that is impossible for me to do but it has been said that with God, nothing is impossible. God can do something about it and I pray for deliverance everyday. Too bad I feel like I am praying and crying into an empty space.

@ mamaslo

I tend to over think or get caught up in rumination of thoughts, and very often to the extend of paranoia. I’m a little put off by idle talk because sometimes the conversation steers toward gossip or it is just very unproductive which makes me feel guilty for wasting my time or other people’s time. But yes, I do need to learn the art of casual conversation just to get things started.
 
I want to thank you again for sharing your story and support you as you continue to struggle on your journey even without any perceptible sense of progress, because you bring out something that many RCIA participants encounter, and often are afraid to talk about. And something us RCIA directors or catechists may not be aware of, or know how to discern or help, maybe because our own spiritual maturity may not even be on par with yours. One hallmark of the spiritual journey in general, not only for converts but all Christians, is the spiritual darkness and lack of consolation. Because in RCIA we feel we are at a “beginners” level we don’t usually discuss the deeper aspects of the mystical journey toward union with God. It may be that this natural stage in the faith journey coincides with this period of RCIA. Perhaps it will help to talk to the priest about this spiritual dimension and ask him to help you find good spiritual direction which is invaluable and almost essential in this stage.

a good book that explains the stages of the spiritual journey is by Fr. Benedict Groeschel, Journey Toward God, most of his books can be had at EWTN or Ignatius Press.
 
{9:18} And answering them, he said: “O unbelieving generation, how long must I be with you? How long shall I endure you? Bring him to me.”
{9:19} And they brought him. And when he had seen him, immediately the spirit disturbed him. And having been thrown to the ground, he rolled around foaming.
{9:20} And he questioned his father, “How long has this been happening to him?” But he said: “From infancy.
{9:21} And often it casts him into fire or into water, in order to destroy him. But if you are able to do anything, help us and take pity on us.”
{9:22} But Jesus said to him, “If you are able to believe: all things are possible to one who believes.”
{9:23} And immediately the father of the boy, crying out with tears, said: “I do believe, Lord. Help my unbelief.”
{9:24} And when Jesus saw the crowd rushing together, he admonished the unclean spirit, saying to him, “Deaf and mute spirit, I command you, leave him; and do not enter into him anymore.”
{9:25} And crying out, and convulsing him greatly, he departed from him. And he became like one who is dead, so much so that many said, “He is dead.”
{9:26} But Jesus, taking him by the hand, lifted him up. And he arose.

I have been reading your thread, OP, and please know that I will pray for you. Remember to ask Jesus to help your unbelief. He does answer. When you want to ruminate, pray the rosary instead. Do you have a favorite saint yet? I recommend you cultivate a relationship with a saint, pray to him or her daily, ask for intercession for your peace of mind and spirit.

Sometimes the people who have the hardest time surrendering are the ones who advance the Church the most.

🙂
 
Also, here is a prayer attributed to Thomas Merton, which you may find comfort in.

Thomas Merton’s Prayer:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
 
Dear Brothers & Sisters,

It might have been a belated thanksgiving but I would like to show my appreciation for all the forumers who had helped me while I was still a catechumen. Thank you for answering my queries, addressing my doubts and thank you for all your earnest advice and encouragement.

After much struggle, I was finally baptized & confirmed on Easter Vigil. It was the strangest feeling. My mind was blank but my heart was overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, unworthiness, elation, bliss… It was so strange yet so familiar.

I pray to God that by His grace that I will be able to sustain my fervor and devotion, if not let them grow stronger. I also hope that I will grow in faith and truth, so that I may also be the light of the world, much like all of you have been.

Thank You guys & God Bless! In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

With Love,
DeepBlueSea
 
God bless you for the courage and faith that brought you to this point.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful process and news with us.
May God continue to bless and guide you.
🙂
 
DeepBlueSea said:
Dear Brothers & Sisters,

It might have been a belated thanksgiving but I would like to show my appreciation for all the forumers who had helped me while I was still a catechumen. Thank you for answering my queries, addressing my doubts and thank you for all your earnest advice and encouragement.

After much struggle, I was finally baptized & confirmed on Easter Vigil. It was the strangest feeling. My mind was blank but my heart was overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, unworthiness, elation, bliss… It was so strange yet so familiar.

I pray to God that by His grace that I will be able to sustain my fervor and devotion, if not let them grow stronger. I also hope that I will grow in faith and truth, so that I may also be the light of the world, much like all of you have been.

Thank You guys & God Bless! In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

With Love,
DeepBlueSea
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Lovely to hear from you again! I was just going to post another response, which is that we don’t expect to have an emotional experience when we use math, even though it is true. Equations reflect a truth, yet does anyone cry out with joy when doing math? No, you just accept the truth and use it in your life. So it should be with the Catholic faith. It is the Truth. That we accept, and live it whether the sky is gray or blue.

Welcome Home! Even if you aren’t happy all the time, God is still with you, just as much as when you are most joyful.

:dancing::bounce::love:
 
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