Estranged Dad

[pheathers]

What do I do with my dad, whom I love very much, but he has estranged himself from his only grandchildren (my kids) and me. He was the main caretaker of my mother when she died in 2001. Just before she died he had taken up with another woman. We went through a period of pain and suffering as he rejected me and did not want to hear that what he was doing was wrong. He even moved about 4/5 hours away from my family.

We have since spoken. It took all these years of my trying to reach out to him (he never did) for this to happen. Recently he asked me for help in moving near us. I was elated until he mentioned he would include his live in partner. (By the way, this woman, as we understand it is married to someone whom she left awhile ago). I recognize my responsibility as a Catholic/Christian is to be non-judgemental to her, but I do not want to confirm them in error. I raise them in prayer every day.

My dilema is what to do in this situation?

 

[Sandi]

If his girlfriend weren’t married to someone else, I’d say go and help him. But that fact that she’s married while she’s shacked up really sticks in my craw. I don’t know what I’d do but what I’d WANT to do is not go.

 

[KathleenElsie]

What do I do with my dad, whom I love very much, but he has estranged himself from his only grandchildren (my kids) and me. He was the main caretaker of my mother when she died in 2001. Just before she died he had taken up with another woman. We went through a period of pain and suffering as he rejected me and did not want to hear that what he was doing was wrong. He even moved about 4/5 hours away from my family.

We have since spoken. It took all these years of my trying to reach out to him (he never did) for this to happen. Recently he asked me for help in moving near us. I was elated until he mentioned he would include his live in partner. (By the way, this woman, as we understand it is married to someone whom she left awhile ago). I recognize my responsibility as a Catholic/Christian is to be non-judgmental to her, but I do not want to confirm them in error. I raise them in prayer every day.

My dilemma is what to do in this situation?

You owe you children more then your father IMHO. We can harm our children in showing outward approval of public sin. It can be really hard to say to a child or young person its OK its grandpa doing it, but, it is wrong and immoral for you to sleep with someone etc.

 

[Eileen_T]

Go here ewtn.com/tv/prime_wednesday.asp and listen to ETN Live in the “Archived Video in RealVideo” section. I just listened to Fr Mitch Pacwa. After the topic of the Russian Orthodox orchestral concert that will be performed at the Vatican this weekend, he talks to a priest about Divine Mercy Sunday. (About 8 minutes in)

The point is that, having fulfilled the Divine Mercy requirements, the floodgates of God’s Mercy are wide open on the Feast Day and miracles happen. He promises extraordinary graces. The priest talked about praying all that Sunday one year for his father’s return to the Sacraments. He had been away for a very long time. That evening his mother phoned and told him his father had gone to Confession that day.

Fr Michael Gately, he says some bishop said it is sufficient to go to Confession during Lent.

Guess what I am going to spend Divine Mercy Sunday doing? I have so many family members to pray for.

Storm Heaven with prayer, don’t forget to start the Divine Mercy Novena on Good Friday.

 

[otjm]

He is your dad; he is an adult and is old enough to understand the moral implications of the choices he makes.

Allowing him to be your dad does not mean that you approve of his choices. You need to walk the fine line between telling him you don’t approve (and why; not just a “you are going to hell if you don’t get rid of her” routine), and having a father daughter relationship with him. Say it once and then shut up. No one, parent, child, sibiling, friend, neighbor, coworker or anyone else wants to be preached to. Don’t preach; but do live your life as an example of the Gospel.

Some people find it impossible to distinguish between having a loving relationship and approving of everything that the other person chooses. One is not the other; loving your dad doesn’t mean rejecting him; neither does loving him mean approving of his choices.

As to your children, they often are wiser than we as adults give them credit for. It is perfectly fine to tell them you don’t approve; but when you do you need to make it clear they are not to be discussing it with him or in front of him. Kids have a sense of right and wrong; whatever you tell them needs to be age appropriate. They don’t need to be shielded; nor lied to, nor overwhelmed.

Some day you may have the duty, if not privilege, of attending his funeral. Don’t end up there wishing you had done something different but hadn’t the courage, or the grace to do. Now is the time to have the courage, and to use the grace.

He’s your dad. You can’t go back later and redo your choices.

Loving people is not confirming them in error. They are not stupid; they have a pretty good idea of what you think of their choices. They most likely do not need to be told at length, as they got the message (he moved; that was clear that he heard you and did not wnat to hear further).

As to her, you are not her judge, jury, or executioner. If she asks your opinion, then you need to give it in the most succinct and charitible manner possible. Short of that, keep it to yourself; I’d lay a lot of money she already knows. I seriously doubt there are too many secrets between the two of them.

I had a similar situation within the in-laws. Could not stand the woman he took up with, and made it a point to not ever in any way let her know. It eventually resolved itself. And my keeping my opinion to myself was what allowed me to assist him as he was approaching death.

Objectively what your father is doing is immoral. How God judges him is God’s business. Your job is to love him, and to understand that loving him does not mean or imply approval, and that rejecting him or drivbing him away by lecturing him or acting judgmentally is not loving him.