Ex girlfriend is getting married

[EasterJoy]

The hard part will be if this marriage fails(which is likely for any marriage based on a short term courtship) you will be tempted to try and pick her up on the rebound. Don’t.

C’est la vie, said the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell…

There are an awful lot of those 50th or 60th anniversary how-we-fell-in-love stories that started with a whirlwind courtship. The failure rate for rushing into marriage is so much higher that it is a very bad idea, but the failure rate isn’t 100%. Divorce is so painful, too. Let’s hope for the couple’s sake that if they go through with this, they are another one of those 50-years-and-still-going-strong stories.

But yes, the OP should not ever seek out this woman again. He ought to be a bit wary if she ever seeks him out, but under no circumstances should he go looking for her. He is almost guaranteed to be either used or rebuffed, if he does. If she has a true change of heart, she’ll make up the distance that she put between them. Since he had an attitude of “buying you thing is being ‘there’ for you” when they first courted, though, and since he did not conduct himself with much reserve he can expect he may be taken for granted, should they ever get back together.

If he can’t go in with the certainty that he won’t let that happen again, he ought to run as if fire is chasing him, yes. So yeah, the best bet is to just say, “no way, not again, not ever.”

If the would-be bride does not go through with the wedding, the OP ought to wait for a considerable amount of time (two or three years) before he considers taking up with his ex-girlfriend again. If they are to get together in a healthy way, they need to start from scratch. He has a ways to go before he will be ready for that.

 

[styrgwillidar]

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=12673968#post12673968

I’m assuming that’s the thread you were referring to?

The girl was a student of yours as a tutor?

That this was an 8 month relationship, and this girl expected you to financially take care of things for her while just dating?

Stop being a romantic. Stop doing the huge mistake guys make. Stop putting women as the end all be all to the point you don’t see them as fellow human beings with flaws/weaknesses as well as strengths. Not just someone you’re going to take care of, but someone you’re going to have to depend on as a partner in life. Someone who wants to be that partner. Would you expect a woman to start paying for stuff for you the way you did for her?

“In reality, I went out of my way to support her financially…if she asked I never said no to her. I gave her money for her hair. I gave her money for a school trip. I gave her lunch money at times. At our 6-month anniversary, I was broke myself, but I asked for loan and bought her a present. I recharged her phone with credit. If she fell sick, I drove her back to her hostel. If she needed to move stuff to and fro, I helped her with rides. She had a job interview, I prepared her CV, and gave her possible questions and answers. ALL THAT BECAUSE I LOVED HER AND TREATED HER AS MY WIFE-TO-BE.”

Long courtships, short engagements. Stop being emotional and romantic and start thinking rationally. She dates her tutor, and expects him to pay for routine expenses in her life? You took out loans to buy a gift for a person you’d only dated 6 months? You’re thinking of someone as a wife to be who’s doing that, at 6 months?

Are you really surprised she latched onto someone older, in a position of authority able to buy and provide her things? What kind of a partner do you think she’ll be if her husbands fortune changes?

Clear your head, stop living in the past, learn the hard lessons from this, move forward older and wiser. Start treating women like equals, like human beings, expect from them what you’d expect from a partner not a dependent child. And don’t be a dependent child yourself. Hope this isn’t coming off harsh, I’m in a bit of a hurry and do wish you the best. But I think, like me, due to lack of experience- with this being your first serious relationship-- you were a bit too much of the romantic and not thinking rationally.

ETA: My sister has a saying: If you lay down and make noises like a rug, you will get walked on.

 

[edwest2]

Four months ago, I posted this:

[ forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=939210](http:// forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=939210)

And this is what has happened to us since then.

Four months later, I’m still licking my wounds. At least I’m doing better than I was in January, but I’ve been brought back to Earth with the news that she’s getting married after she completes college this month.

In March, she was back in her hometown for her internship, and she received free rides to work from a soldier. After a week, she fell for him and he asked her for her hand in marriage, to which she agreed. Her parents were very skeptical at first, but after advice from a trusted neighbour who vouched in that he’s already established with a house and car, they gave their consent.

All her friends and family (at least her sister and aunt) are absolutely baffled by her decision, as the guy is way older than her, and has fathered a child from a previous relationship. She’s also decided to marry him after only few weeks of knowing him! She’s just graduated, 22 and without a job. But obviously, no one’s going to talk her out of it.

It’s another sucker punch. Why is love so cruel? This is how I get repayed for loving her sincerely for nearly a year. When we meet she never looks me in the eye, treats me with disdain, as if I never meant anything to her. She’s told her friends that she dumped me because I never took care of her needs. Funny enough she still wears the dress and handbag I bought her.

Well, I held out for reconciliation for months, but she’s moved down a different route. Best I do so as well. Even if she gave up on us, I know God will never give up on me. I don’t own a car or house, but I know I have a big heart, I’m hardworking and ambitious. Someone out there is praying for a guy like me. And although she never appreciated what I did for her, my efforts will go to someone more deserving.

My circumstances were a bit different but I was friends with a girl who dated a guy for several moths, and got engaged. I didn’t know the guy - really - but he had a good job. When I asked her what she liked about him, she said, “He has a house and a car.”

I had a girlfriend who I was crazy about but when it came time to talk about marriage, I asked her what she expected. She had a list – of material things. Which she knew I could not provide unless I was bringing home 180K a year (now more like 200K). It hurt, but she found another guy to meet her needs.

It sounds like you’re staying positive. That’s the important thing.

Best,
Ed

 

[Indigo_Cardinal]

I didn’t read your earlier thread, but just based on what you say here, I think you are better off without her. She agreed to marry a guy after one week? That just screams dysfunctional.

While I wouldn’t say a whirlwind romance is for everybody…my great-grandparents met at the St. Louis World’s Fair back in 1904. Never laid eyes on each other before, never heard of each other before (she had been born and raised in the area, he was an English immigrant who was living in Pennsylvania and went out to St. Louis for a business trip and decided to catch the WF while he was there.) My g-grandpa proposed in 8 hours. She accepted. They got married two weeks later (he didn’t even bother going back to Pennsylvania, just wrote his parents and said he’d met the woman of his dreams and was going to stay in the St. Louis area.) By all accounts, they were deliriously happy together til his death–my aunts and uncles remember catching them kissing all the time (to which, having been kids at the time, they all said, “Yuck, grandma and grandpa are being mushy again.”)

I’m not saying this should be the norm, but there are people out there that this has happened to and make it work and aren’t necessarily dysfunctional.

 

[styrgwillidar]

While I wouldn’t say a whirlwind romance is for everybody…my great-grandparents met at the St. Louis World’s Fair back in 1904. Never laid eyes on each other before, never heard of each other before (she had been born and raised in the area, he was an English immigrant who was living in Pennsylvania and went out to St. Louis for a business trip and decided to catch the WF while he was there.) My g-grandpa proposed in 8 hours. She accepted. They got married two weeks later (he didn’t even bother going back to Pennsylvania, just wrote his parents and said he’d met the woman of his dreams and was going to stay in the St. Louis area.) By all accounts, they were deliriously happy together til his death–my aunts and uncles remember catching them kissing all the time (to which, having been kids at the time, they all said, “Yuck, grandma and grandpa are being mushy again.”)

I’m not saying this should be the norm, but there are people out there that this has happened to and make it work and aren’t necessarily dysfunctional.

More importantly for the OP, he needs to get to the point whatever occurs with their relationship is irrelevant to him in any significant way. That her happiness or unhappiness doesn’t concern him, it is not a factor in his life. That he not wish her evil or unhappiness since it won’t add/benefit his life in any way. Whether her relationship succeeds or fails in the long term isn’t his concern in any other than the normal Christian way that we pray all find their way to salvation.

 

[EasterJoy]

More importantly for the OP, he needs to get to the point whatever occurs with their relationship is irrelevant to him in any significant way. That her happiness or unhappiness doesn’t concern him, it is not a factor in his life. That he not wish her evil or unhappiness since it won’t add/benefit his life in any way. Whether her relationship succeeds or fails in the long term isn’t his concern in any other than the normal Christian way that we pray all find their way to salvation.

Yes. Wish her the best and keep moving. His future does not have her in it, but if he loves her as he says he does, he ought to hope she finds a husband with whom she will make a good marriage and that she will have a good life on the path she has chosen.

If he is invited to the wedding–which could be possible, since he’s somehow close enough to be getting gossip from the social circle–send a modest and unremarkable gift from off of the registry or from the things her mother suggests, put a pedestrian wedding card on it with nothing more than “best wishes” and his name, to show he harbors no ill will and has let go, but do not attend. It is way too soon.

 

[SuperLuigi]

The hard part will be if this marriage fails(which is likely for any marriage based on a short term courtship) you will be tempted to try and pick her up on the rebound. Don’t.

Don’t even wait around for that possibility. Just move on with life.

 

[GreyWings]

I’m sorry.

God has a plan for you. And as much as it hurts, sometimes these trials we go through (and I’ve been though them too so I understand) are meant for a reason. Pain helps us grow, endure. See Romans 5.

There are many beautiful fishes in the sea. Put it all in God’s hands, and allow him to heal you and lead the way.

With my prayers
GreyWings

 

[dconklin]

Get up and push forward!

I was in a deep relationship once and it ended. I should have known better because those that truly loved me told me it was not a good relationship. I was crushed for a while when it did end, but I had friends that helped me. And I never looked back.

Stop looking back.