Ex-wife hints at reconcilliation

[thomb0]

Background: I am 40 ex-wives 37, 3 children in grade school. Married 12 years, Divorce final 01/25/02; she remarried 06/2002. husband (19 years her senior) had her convinced he would take care of her and kids. Last year and a half I have been polite and business-like dealing with ex and have helped with the kids above and beyond. Still close with her family. Turns out grass is not greener.

Ex-wife called on a weeknight after midnight in mid-October and spilled her guts too me. She apologized for the affair and that she had hurt me and the children and she had made a mistake. Since starting therapy in summer 2004 ex-wife has done a lot of sole searching about her life and what is important. The things that came out of her mouth that night amazed me. She seems to have figured out that the world does not revolve around her. She has put her children and others ahead of her own needs for the first time in her life. She paid off all the debt she created in the marriage and now she wants to help me get a house for me and the kids.

Over last several weeks we have talked on the phone and have met for lunch. She has said she has missed my company. She has mentioned separating from husband , but feels trapped financially. She even asked me if I knew of anyone in the clergy to talk to regarding this situation. This is the first time we have spoken as “friends” in almost three years and I have to admit I have missed her company as well. We have already agreed that we will not be part of any affair (two wrongs don’t make a right). Now I find myself really confused by the situation and my feelings. I thought this was over. I have not started an Anullment yet. How does the Catholic church view reconciliation? Any advice or comments would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[George2]

I would suggest you speak confidentially to your parish priest and ignore any advice from non-experts here. If your priest is not helpful, call your chancery office and ask to speak to a priest for pastoral counselling.

 

[otm]

Both you and she need to get a professional counselor. Your diocese should be able to make recomendations as to where to find a Catholic counselor. Be aware that the first one might not fit.

You both have a lot of baggage. An affair is something that cuts at the heart of a marriage - trust. It is not that trust cannot be rebuilt, but it is difficult. It is even more difficult if you don’t both learn how to deal with the issue openly and in charity; it is all too easy to use that prior choice as a weapon or a defense.

In addition, your marriage was in serious trouble long before the affair occured. Affairs are almost always a sign that there is a deep problem that is not being dealt with.

Please don’t get the idea that she is the one who needs to change. Bluntly, if you had been a model husband, would she have had the affair? You talk about her figuring out that the world doesn’t revolve around her… how about the other side of the coin; you chose her as your spouse, and I’d lay dollars to donuts she didn’t suddely change who she was.

Another way of saying it: it takes two to make a fight; and you were right in there. Unless you both learn what you each did that was destructive to the other, you won’t be able to truly reconcile.

She needs to sort out a lot; and so do you. It can be done, but it ain’t easy. Stay in prayer (I assume you are praying seriously now?!) and both of you get a good counselor. Going at this half-cocked is not only going to do more harm to you both, but also to your children. And by the way, be prepared for some interesting times with your kids, especially if they have not been able to work out their fears and hurts and anxieties. Just dealing with their process could make you want to abandon all hope of reconciling; but understand that what they say may not be what they truly mean.

God bless, and may you succeed in putting the marriage together in ways you never dreamed.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

George2:

I would suggest you speak confidentially to your parish priest and ignore any advice from non-experts here. If your priest is not helpful, call your chancery office and ask to speak to a priest for pastoral counselling.

I might even go straight to a priest recommended by the marriage tribunal at your chancery office. Not all priests are going to be equally knowledgeable in this area.

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

Find a good family councilor and start getting counseling sessions. Just you and her. Go from there. Of course find a GOOD councilor.

 

[thomb0]

Thanks for the advice, it is appreciated. I was looking at the parish bulletin I will be joining soon and there was a note about faith-based counseling available thru the parish. My ex-wife has not practiced her faith much in the past 3-4 years but asked me about someone to talk too in the church about her and my situation. I think I’ll suggest this to my ex and see if she follows through and calls. I am not counting on reconciling, but I believe we can have a better relationship and this will make us better parents. Thanks again.