Ex-wife sleeps with 13 year old son in the same bed

[hurting]

Really? We were supposed to know for sure that the mother was doing something wrong? Even though it turned out that she really hasn’t been? (see AOL’s post 229) People have been jumping to conclusions both directions. There was too little information to know either direction for sure.

A teenage boy sleeping in the same bed as his mother is wrong in the first place and in and of itself. It’s not just wrong when there’s actual active incest. That’s where you’re missing the point as are many others on this thread.

 

[jimmy]

The fire extinguisher was a little close to the line for a family forum. Just sayin’…do remember there are impressionable 13 year olds reading, sometimes.

That is another thing to remember before we hit “submit”: We can never know if the OP is representing himself honestly. It is not just that we ought to concern ourselves that the OP is a father who is not telling us everything. Where we answered harshly about the ex-wife or the 13 year old, we have to realize that it might be one of them who are posting, and not the father they are pretending to be.

You learn these things hard on this forum. We all fall from time to time, but we ought to be careful about that. Anybody on the planet in any circumstance and with any history can read what we post. It shouldn’t take moderators to remind us of that, especially the old-timers.

In a lot of ways what I said was cleaner than you might read on an NFP thread, or one talking about sexuality. The difference was that it was in the form of a joke.

 

[thewanderer]

A teenage boy sleeping in the same bed as his mother is wrong in the first place and in and of itself. It’s not just wrong when there’s actual active incest. That’s where you’re missing the point as are many others on this thread.

As I said to someone else, if you think the above statement is an accurate assessment of my opinion then you have completely misunderstood me and have no idea what I actually think. And no, a teenage boy sleeping in the same bed as his mother is not in and of itself wrong, but we’ve already been there on this thread, yes, it is often a very bad thing, but not always. What about families where they only have one room and all sleep together? Are they acting immorally when their boys grow up to be teenagers and continue to all sleep in the same bed together? The answer is no, which means that sleeping in the same bed is not in and of itself wrong.

 

[EasterJoy]

I am as skeptical as anyone regarding people telling the whole truth, especially as it relates to sensitive matters such as these, but it seems to me that requests for advice and the presentation of facts related thereto should be accepted at face value absent some obvious indication that there is a credibility problem. I read this forum far more often that I post, and it is usually obvious in the initial post whether or not the poster is seeking help in good faith as opposed to trying to get his/her ego stroked. In this particular case, the OP laid out a cogent set of facts and a pretty straightforward request for advice right up front.

I agree that we ought to answer as if the poster is on the up and up, because I think usually they are. I also do not care about trolls. My concern, though, is that sometimes people change the facts a little because they’re embarrassed, and other times people who read the thread identify much more with someone in the “story” other than the OP. Other times, hoping for the “unvarnished” truth, a sensitive person might get more splinters than they needed to get.

We just need to be aware that is very easy to hurt someone or scandalize someone without having any such intention, that’s all. The conversation can feel very private, but in reality it may as well be tatooed on the side of a building at a mall. We ought to remember to write for a very wide audience, because sometimes that is what we have.

 

[EasterJoy]

In a lot of ways what I said was cleaner than you might read on an NFP thread, or one talking about sexuality. The difference was that it was in the form of a joke.

You weren’t* over *the line…the direction things were taking gave me some pause, though!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

As I said to someone else, if you think the above statement is an accurate assessment of my opinion then you have completely misunderstood me and have no idea what I actually think. And no, a teenage boy sleeping in the same bed as his mother is not in and of itself wrong, but we’ve already been there on this thread, yes, it is often a very bad thing, but not always. What about families where they only have one room and all sleep together? Are they acting immorally when their boys grow up to be teenagers and continue to all sleep in the same bed together? The answer is no, which means that sleeping in the same bed is not in and of itself wrong.

PLEASE, let’s not start the whole debate up again! Or, if you want to continue to argue about it, go ahead and start a new thread on teenage co-sleeping with opposite sex parents. This thread needs to die.

 

[Moore11]

In a lot of ways what I said was cleaner than you might read on an NFP thread, or one talking about sexuality. The difference was that it was in the form of a joke.

It might not have been over the line but it was crass and crude. I did not find it funny and it raised my eyebrows. I have actually crossed the line before and I have found that if I back away, apologize and try to understand why I should think twice before I post things, I am happy with the resolution.

many times I have thought I was so clever and funny yet it was only in my own mind. Could this be a moment like that for you?

 

[jimmy]

It might not have been over the line but it was crass and crude. I did not find it funny and it raised my eyebrows. I have actually crossed the line before and I have found that if I back away, apologize and try to understand why I should think twice before I post things, I am happy with the resolution.

many times I have thought I was so clever and funny yet it was only in my own mind. Could this be a moment like that for you?

This is as good of a place as any to discuss this issue, which I wanted to discuss anyway.

The point was partially meant to be crass and crude and playful about a thread subject. Sometimes crassness and crudeness are pretty funny. Look at a movie like Dumb and Dumber. Maybe you personally don’t like it (I think it is pretty funny), but is the humor necessarily wrong? It is certainly crass and crude all the way through. Does everything have to be serious? What others say with technical language on other threads, I said with an innuendo. Is it wrong to use innuendo? Do we always have to speak in a dignified way, or can we joke around?

 

[EasterJoy]

This is as good of a place as any to discuss this issue, which I wanted to discuss anyway.

The point was partially meant to be crass and crude and playful about a thread subject. Sometimes crassness and crudeness are pretty funny. Look at a movie like Dumb and Dumber. Maybe you personally don’t like it (I think it is pretty funny), but is the humor necessarily wrong? It is certainly crass and crude all the way through. Does everything have to be serious? What others say with technical language on other threads, I said with an innuendo. Is it wrong to use innuendo? Do we always have to speak in a dignified way, or can we joke around?

Well, crude and joking around are two separate things. As St. Paul put it “So be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and handed himself over for us as a sacrificial offering to God for a fragrant aroma. Immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be mentioned among you, as is fitting among holy ones, no obscenity or silly or suggestive talk, which is out of place, but instead, thanksgiving.” Eph. 5:1-4.

But that is totally off-thread, so this is not “as good a place as any”. Who would know to look here for that kind of discussion?

Maybe take it to the morality forum, and ask there?

 

[Moore11]

This is as good of a place as any to discuss this issue, which I wanted to discuss anyway.

The point was partially meant to be crass and crude and playful about a thread subject. Sometimes crassness and crudeness are pretty funny. Look at a movie like Dumb and Dumber. Maybe you personally don’t like it (I think it is pretty funny), but is the humor necessarily wrong? It is certainly crass and crude all the way through. Does everything have to be serious? What others say with technical language on other threads, I said with an innuendo. Is it wrong to use innuendo? Do we always have to speak in a dignified way, or can we joke around?

Or you could defend and justify it:shrug:
Doesn’t really matter to me.

 

[Bill_7154]

I don’t know what more to say…

I just found this out over thanksgiving weekend. She is the custodial parent. He asks and she allows it.
Apparently, it happens with some regularity. I’m at a loss as how to handle this.

I started sleeping in my grandmothers bed (obviously she lived with us) when I was 6yo after my mother molested me in bed. I kept sleeping in her bed until I was about 12. I believe that it contribued to the way I am messed up mentally and, emotionally aside from the molestation.

There is something called ‘Emotional Incest’. This happened to me as well. My father was an alcoholic and distant and angry all the time. Under such circumstances a mother/wife turns to one of her male children and engages in inappropriate conversations and inappropriate interactions with him. She has no husband in effect, so starts to seek and get her emotional needs met with the child. Adult emotional needs in the context of a marriage, something that the child is not prepared psychologically to handle.Here are a couple of quotes related to this:

“Emotional incest from either parent is devastating to the child’s ability to be able to set boundaries and take care of getting their own needs met when they become an adult. This type of abuse, when inflicted by the opposite sex parent, can have a devastating effect on the adult/child’s relationship with his/her own sexuality and gender, and their ability to have successful intimate relationships as an adult.”
“A touching scene? No. Emotional abuse! The child has just received the message that he/she has the power to save mommy’s life. That the child has power over, and therefore responsibility for, mommy’s feelings. This is emotional abuse, and sets up an emotionally incestuous relationship in which the child feels responsible for the parent’s emotional needs.”

Since she is now a single mother some of this may be going on. It’s not like she would wake up in the morning and say to herself “How can I engage in emotional incest with my son today?” I believe it just happens, just evloves, and is very wrong and as indicated above, devistating to the child. I know it was devistating to me.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[Bill_7154]

A teenage boy sleeping in the same bed as his mother is wrong in the first place and in and of itself. It’s not just wrong when there’s actual active incest. That’s where you’re missing the point as are many others on this thread.

This is very true, as my previous post indicates. That child is a victim. I have not read the thread, just the OP and a couple of posts so don’t know if more info was provided. Here is a description, it is also referred to as ‘covert incest’:

Covert incest refers to a form of emotional abuse in which the relationship between a parent and a child is inappropriately sexualized without actual sexual contact.[1][2] Substance abuse is thought to be associated with covert incest.[3] The effects of covert incest are thought to mimic actual incest though to a lesser degree,[4] and Kenneth Adams, who originated the concept, describes the victims having anger or guilt towards parents and issues with self-esteem, addiction and sexual and emotional intimacy.[2]

Covert incest was defined in the 1980s[1] as an emotionally abusive[5] relationship between a parent (or stepparent) and child that does not involve incest or sexual intercourse, though it involves similar interpersonal dynamics as a relationship between sexual partners;[1][6][7] it has also been described as a parent responding to a child’s love with adult sexuality.[8] Problems between parents often facilitate covert incest; as the parents distance themselves from each other both physically and emotionally, one parent may begin focusing on his/her child. The child becomes the surrogate partner and source of emotional support for the parent.[9] The abusing parent may also be afraid or unable to meet their needs through a relationship with another adult.[5] Alcoholism and other substance addictions are also associated with the occurrence of covert incest.[3][10]

Covert incest occurs when a parent is unable or unwilling to maintain a relationship with another adult and forces the emotional role of a spouse onto their child instead.[5] The child’s needs are ignored and instead the relationship exists solely to meet the needs of the parent[11] and the adult may not be aware of the issues created by their actions

God Bless (and try and get that kid out of there) or at least someone to confide in,
Bill

 

[jimmy]

Or you could defend and justify it:shrug:
Doesn’t really matter to me.

And you can walk around with your nose up in the air.
Doesn’t really matter to me.

If you think something is wrong, you should atleast offer an argument why it is wrong, rather than making condescending comments.

I am taking a break from the internet for a few weeks, so whether you respond or not, I won’t see it.

 

[horselvr]

“As a side note…My wife is not the problem. She’s great. It is my ex-wife.”

Well yes, this was easy to conclude from the comments you made about your x wife.

Here’s my question to you:

Have you done anyhting positive for your son since finding out about him sleeping in the same bed as the X ?

Have you talked with your lawyer and requested having additional time with your sons?
Why do you only see them on wednesday and every other weekend?
It seems to me that he needs to have you around a lot more or would that upset your new wife and family too much?

He is looking for comfort and finding that comfort with the only person that he feels he still has—his mother.

It’s time for you to step up to the plate and be more visible in his life and accept more responsibility and not just on Wednesday and every other weekend.