Existential depression. help

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george92

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hi all, lately i have had existential depression. I’m beginning to question whether God exists, whether if there is a plan for me other than complete misery, and what my purpose here is on earth. i’m currently stuck in grad school which i absolutely hate but only have half a year left so i’m going to stick it out. But even if i do graduate, is there a plan? What does he want me to do? I feel like i have to study,work, apply for jobs 24/7 in order to obtain a job and do His Will. i feel like i’m all alone in this struggle and like the rest of world is going on merry and happily as pleased. I have considered suicide a couple of times but to chicken to carry it out. I just feel us as human are just results of highly evolutionized monkies and this rock hurdling around space until we die. just my thoughts don’t judge.

thanks george.
 
george92 said:
hi all, lately i have had existential depression. I’m beginning to question whether God exists, whether if there is a plan for me other than complete misery, and what my purpose here is on earth. i’m currently stuck in grad school which i absolutely hate but only have half a year left so i’m going to stick it out. But even if i do graduate, is there a plan? What does he want me to do? I feel like i have to study,work, apply for jobs 24/7 in order to obtain a job and do His Will. i feel like i’m all alone in this struggle and like the rest of world is going on merry and happily as pleased. I have considered suicide a couple of times but to chicken to carry it out. I just feel us as human are just results of highly evolutionized monkies and this rock hurdling around space until we die. just my thoughts don’t judge.

thanks george.
Click to expand...
I don’t appreciate you referring to people that don’t commit suicide as “chicken” since I have a close relative that committed suicide, and am myself, a recovering self harmer. Look dude, you are far from the only person that’s ever had depression. I went through a bit of a phase (post conversion) where I realised that life would be much scarier that if God didn’t exist. Think about nonexistence, is that really why you think you’re on this earth? Because a random quantum singularity or other nonsense our modern physicist spit out? You ask not to judge, who said I was judging you? I will, however, judge what you said. Dude, I am 28 years old, and other than some odd jobs, have never had a job, I have three years of college and culinary training, it gets to be much sometimes, but not believing God because life is not working out in my favour seems, kind of, well, wrong. Things aren’t always going to work out the way you want because you think God owes you, God is not a genie. I see that you need help, please, get it. We’re here with prayers and support, but that may not be enough. I’ll say a prayer for you.
 
george, you come on here every so often with variations of the same theme.

Have you gone for any counseling? Obviously, things haven’t gotten any better on their own. No shame in getting help.

Get a medical exam, and go speak to a professional. This has been going on a long time for you.
 
My priest would refer what you’re going through as a period of desolation and would tell you that it is through desolation that God brings us closer to Himself. Then you will have periods of consolation where you feel firm in your faith, love God, and just generally feel great about things. I think this is something you can study in Ignatian Spirituality? In any case, God won’t test us beyond our means, but there’s nothing at all wrong with praying for consolation. In fact, it was part of the penance my priest gave me at my last confession.

Stay firm in prayer, read the scriptures daily (even if just the daily readings) and ask our Lord to help you.
 
George,
in previous posts you mention being completely exhausted. Is there any way you can get
some exercise, so as to help you sleep better? And maybe call up a few other grad- students
to meet & eat, play ball, whatever, to have some fun.

I hope that you can cut down on something, so as not to lose your mental or physical health.
I pray that you will find balance, and hope, and get some rest, and know that the Lord is indeed there, taking care of you, and leading the way.

I commend you for making it this far thru grad school, but please take care of yourself.
 
Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200…

Seriously, go directly–as in right now, today–to Student Health at your university and tell them what you told us. Even though graduate school is notorious for subjecting the best and brightest to existential agonies precisely like those you are describing, it is nothing to mess with. If Student Health is not available, then call a suicide hotline. Your thoughts have become mental and physical health issue, and a very serious one.

You are having life-threatening thoughts. You should no more avoid getting professional treatment than if you were having the symptoms of a heart attack or a stroke. If you want to put it into spiritual terms, you have a moral duty to protect your life and health from undue and pointless harm. If you put one of your friends, a member of your family, or any member of the public in your position, I don’t think you’d fail to see this. As it is, you are depressed. You are going to have to see this with your intellect, not your feelings, and get yourself the help that a reasonable person would get for a human being with the symptoms you have.

Get help, get it now, and if what you find at first does not help, get help somewhere else. Do not give up. You have something to contribute in this world, or you could not have gotten accepted into graduate school in the first place. Don’t take it upon yourself to waste that. When you are seeing clearly again, you’ll see this was saving yourself. You are wearing the anti-rose-colored glasses right now, though, so for right now do what you ought to do and not what you feel like doing. A human life hangs in the balance. Only you can save it. Only you can turn it around.

No guff. No excuses. No procrastination. Get help, ASAP.
 
george92 said:
hi all, lately i have had existential depression. I’m beginning to question whether God exists, whether if there is a plan for me other than complete misery, and what my purpose here is on earth. i’m currently stuck in grad school which i absolutely hate but only have half a year left so i’m going to stick it out. But even if i do graduate, is there a plan? What does he want me to do? I feel like i have to study,work, apply for jobs 24/7 in order to obtain a job and do His Will. i feel like i’m all alone in this struggle and like the rest of world is going on merry and happily as pleased. I have considered suicide a couple of times but to chicken to carry it out. I just feel us as human are just results of highly evolutionized monkies and this rock hurdling around space until we die. just my thoughts don’t judge.

thanks george.
Click to expand...
First, if you have recurrent suicidal thoughts, speak to a counselor, therapist, or priest. Second, you’re not all alone. Not only do you have G-d on your side but people as well, some of whom are not so happy as you may think. Speak to others, both on and off CAF. A meeting of the minds can be helpful. Third, it’s good that you’re finishing grad school. Try now to do what YOU want rather than wondering what G-d’s will for you is. Continue searching for jobs and going on interviews, and when you find one, make sure it is interesting to you. Your first job doesn’t have to be the job of your dreams, but at least it should not be drudgery, which may depress you more. Finally, don’t give up. Young people often have fears, doubts, questions about the meaning of their life. The negative aspects won’t last forever, you’ll see. However, you must continue to try, and not be afraid or ashamed to ask for help if you need it.
 
Oh, and whatever you do, do not lie to the professionals you talk to. Avoid your A-student impulse to give the “right” answer. The only right answer is the truth. Do not even think about how you are smart enough to pull one over on them. Maybe you are, but the person you will be sabotaging is yourself, not them. If they ask you if you think you are going to kill yourself, then, and you do not know with absolute certainty that the answer is, “NO,” then say “Yes” or “Maybe” or “I don’t know” or some other truthful answer.

The truth and only the truth and do not hide the truth. No, you cannot tell the whole truth because we graduate-student types have too much to say. Do not avoid the important details, then. You’ll know what little details you want to hide instead of tell. Cough it up, or it will choke you.

Remember: A life is at stake and it is your duty to find someone who can help to save it and then to give them whatever help they need to do their jobs. No excuses just because the person who needs to be saved is you.
 
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