Expectations in friendships

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MargaretofCortona

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I had a friend in college. She always wanted to read my writing and bothered me for it until I let her read it. When I wanted to read her writing, she told me that was private information. I felt slightly offended.
Something similar happened with a man I had been casually seeing. He asked about my relationship status I was honest and it shocked me when I discovered he had been seeing or liking other people too. It was slammed in my face because we weren’t exclusive he doesn’t owe that info and I shouldn’t have expected him to be open and transparent because I was. People told me it was not my place to know about what he’s up to. I think women are assumed to be jealous type or possessive.

How do you deal with people who have double standards? Did I have the wrong expectations?
I was under the impression in both cases they were trying to have the upper hand
 
You need a professional to help you with these things.

She wrote and didn’t want to share with you? And you’re offended? Sorry, that is very immature.

And exclusivity has to be discussed. It’s not to be assumed.

Again. This is not about “double standards” this is about needing to understand normative human interactions and following them.
 
I personally think that sometimes people want to know things about us, but then when it comes to opening up towards us, they have difficulties doing that, where they have difficulties either communicating on a deeper level, or have trouble sharing when it comes to their own lives.

That’s what I think it is, more so than trying to have the upper-hand.

I would just bring something up and say something if it were bothering me, but that’s me, and that’s how I tend to be because I care about a relationship and if something’s wrong, I like to take care of it if I can.

I can be rather direct, but I try and do it in a way that’s not hurtful. I always try to be kind and tactful when dealing with someone else. It’s definitely not my intent to be hurtful at all.

I would ask someone to say that I’d like to know them better then too when talking about personal histories, since we’re talking about our personal information–something like that, if that’s the topic of conversation.
 
I have to say I reread my post. I think your response was bordering on rude. Please choose not to respond. Thank you and God bless.
 
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It is strange to me she repeatedly asked me to read my own writing yet she wouldn’t share hers when I asked. I do not think I’m wrong to feel offended. Why ask me to open up if you’re unwilling to do the same?
It would be different if I volunteered and asked her to read my writing then I demand she reciprocate.
Why ask me about who I’m seeing and if I’m doing XYZ yet hide you’re seeing people to?
Why do I have to be the transparent honest vulnerable.
 
MargaretofCortona said:
It is strange to me she repeatedly asked me to read my own writing yet she wouldn’t share hers when I asked. I do not think I’m wrong to feel offended. Why ask me to open up if you’re unwilling to do the same?
It would be different if I volunteered and asked her to read my writing then I demand she reciprocate.
Why ask me about who I’m seeing and if I’m doing XYZ yet hide you’re seeing people to?
Why do I have to be the transparent honest vulnerable.
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:roll_eyes:

Because all writing is different. She gets to say no, even if she asks you and you say yes.

If your writing makes you feel transparent/honest/vulnerable then perhaps you should try and find some writing that doesn’t do that if you want to talk about it and share.

You’ve asked many questions on this board in regard to writing and made many lamentations regarding your writing and creative process.

Just because someone asks that you share your writing that you (at least on this board) appear to like to speak of doesn’t mean it’s tit for tat. Both my brother and my sister in law are talented musicians. There has been more than one occasion when I ask them to play a song for me. My SIL doesn’t play the ukelele and I do, albeit badly. When she was inquiring about it for a class that she was asked to assist with I offered some advice in regards to fingering and learning cords. However, I told her that I preferred not to play it for her because I didn’t feel I was good enough to do so.

Guess what?

Even though I ask her to play music for me she didn’t get upset because I wouldn’t play music for her. Because we’re both adults who understand boundaries and limitations.

On this board, you create threads on three topics—spirituality, social issues and writing. It seems like these 3 things are the biggest things in your life.

It makes sense that if you like to speak about your writing, someone is going to ask to read it. You’ve never indicated this writing was anything but fiction–or historical fiction–so it’s not a deeply personal diary or personal manuscript.

I freelance write to earn some cash—generally sales blogs and product descriptions. I get paid money to do so. Sometimes people decide that my blog is not worth the money I charge. It stinks, but it’s not the end of the world. Having one other person reading your writing shouldn’t be a big deal. My articles are read by an editor, then by the client, then by the client’s PR, and then by a few hundred people on the internet searching for whatever product I was helping to hawk.

Quite a few people have asked to see my work–some because they are curious what inbound sales are, some because they want to see my writing, some because they want to do similar work. Many are also “writers” when I share my work…ESPECIALLY my “published” work I don’t expect feedback or reciprocation.

You have this idea about what’s fair that really doesn’t ring true in adulthood. It would be wise to go to a professional with these issues because it’s going to inhibit your social life moving forward.
 
First, it’s sorta human nature to ask for more than one may be willing to supply in return. Protect yourself and don’t assume an ask means they will supply in return.

Regarding your two examples, I’d call your girl friend out on her hypocrisy and see how she responds.

The guy sounds like he felt hurt and reacted badly. However from the little bit said, I wonder if he is an honest person. Honesty starts from the beginning, you need to judge his character, it won’t suddenly improve if you became ‘exclusive’
 
You really can not ‘expect’ a lot from ‘friends’ unless you have known them for a measure of time and how they think, act and react. All you can do or consider is that you be a good friend and set a good example as such. Her writing may not be savorable, poor, unhealthy or of poor quality and that may be a reason for withholding it from you.
There may be all kinds of justifiable reasons that your friend held back, perhaps there are things way to personal or hurtful to share.
This I will mention: Never let someone read your professional or literary works. I have learned the hard way. People will steal your works or ideas, make some minor changes and claim them as their own.
The best advice I can offer is that YOU be the better friend and carry on. In 10 years it will not matter who read what. Peace.
 
Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I respectfully disagree because I know this person in general. Perhaps I’ll reconsider my ideas of fairness. As for the man, c’mon if he keeps asking me about whether or not we’re monogamous it seems very shady for him not tell me he’s seeing someone else. That’s kind of unfair and dishonest. It was not because she asked. She is the type to pressure people into doing things. She literally kept asking until I finally showed her. Perhaps the issue has more to do with her pushiness not her asking me.
Or the idea that people must respect her boundaries and privacy yet she has no issue meddling in others.
Maybe I am immature.
Maybe she does have the right to act that way.
 
Thank you. Now I know to expect less from people. I don’t think most people can take their own advice. I think I need to keep my guard and do things I want to do not because others think I should. I don’t think the man was honest either. He gave me every reason to believe he wanted to be exclusive and was angry with me talking to other men then he asked out someone in my presence and I was supposed to be okay with that and have no feelings or opinions about that because we weren’t truly together.
 
I think it was Keanu Reeves who said it and it attracted my attention, that today the world is so wrong that everyone is offended at the display of jealousy. Even the ones who should be flattered by it. I think most of us are flattered by it deep down inside, it’s just that it’s a social norm not to show it. So society is forcing us to be somehow hypocrites.
So you asked him because you wanted to know where you two stand and he told you many things by the fact that he got offended that you asked. You were wasting his and yours time imho. I really liked this movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” . I think it presents a fairer way of seeing the relationships between men and women. Yes us women do have expectations and we envy those who don’t and get the man we want! There are two ways of overcoming expectations: not care (and I find that sad, trying to convince yourself to be a b**** to get what you want, “Sex and The City” type of girl) or to ask questions and openly accept the answer.
I don’t know how indifference can somehow give birth to love (real love!), at some point… just magically like so? And how can this make a better world? If we are all cool with each other… so someone suffers but you know… there is someone designated to take care of them, why stress?
How can you love without stress and sometimes jealousy?
I know pathological jealousy exists and that is destructive, but today’s standards aim more to exterminate any form of jealousy, big or small.
 
MargaretofCortona said:
Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I respectfully disagree because I know this person in general. Perhaps I’ll reconsider my ideas of fairness. As for the man, c’mon if he keeps asking me about whether or not we’re monogamous it seems very shady for him not tell me he’s seeing someone else. That’s kind of unfair and dishonest. It was not because she asked. She is the type to pressure people into doing things. She literally kept asking until I finally showed her. Perhaps the issue has more to do with her pushiness not her asking me.
Or the idea that people must respect her boundaries and privacy yet she has no issue meddling in others.
Maybe I am immature.
Maybe she does have the right to act that way.
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Ok, want to address the guy, let’s do that…both Catholic Match and Ave Maria are Catholic dating sites approved by their respective dioceses and considered to be very highly respected.

Both sites highly discourage exclusivity in the early stages of a relationship. At one point I was chatting with 5 different men, and had gone on a few “dates” with some of them. It became clear as I spent more time who was worth it and who wasn’t. Had they asked me if I was seeing others, I would have been honest…and I would not have sat there and demanded the same from them. Of course, it gets more emotional if you’re not following Church teaching and bringing sex into the picture. It’s not “unfair”…its about adult perspective.

As far as the friend…this is why I recommend professional help. It seems you feel “pressured” by everyone around you. You have yet to describe one relationship on this board where you don’t feel, pressured, coerced, judged or mistreated. That is an incredibly unhealthy way to live.
 
MargaretofCortona said:
Thank you. Now I know to expect less from people. I don’t think most people can take their own advice. I think I need to keep my guard and do things I want to do not because others think I should. I don’t think the man was honest either. He gave me every reason to believe he wanted to be exclusive and was angry with me talking to other men then he asked out someone in my presence and I was supposed to be okay with that and have no feelings or opinions about that because we weren’t truly together.
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A trick I heard which can be useful.

Pretend you are actually someone else,
what advice would you give this other person?

I find this trick disassociates yourself enough from the dilemma to give more objective advice, but you do so with complete information. People here are commenting after reading just a couple sentences.

The girl is an old friend, it’s worth calling her out and discussing how her double standard makes you feel. You are probably not the only person she does this to.

The boy could have responded in many different ways, even turned the tables on you, but seems to lack tact. Tact is important in a partner.
 
I think the scenario you described about dating is very understandable to not expect monogamy. He was very upset I was talking to other men. If he doesn’t like me seeing other men, it is strange for him to ask out a woman in front of me. He never told me he was talking to or interested in other women yet he demanded that information from me. It is always rude to ask out a woman in front of a woman who likes you. He made it my business by asking out a woman in front of me. If I had snooped or found out by gossip, that is different. He seems insensitive and a liar.
 
MargaretofCortona said:
I think the scenario you described about dating is very understandable to not expect monogamy. He was very upset I was talking to other men. If he doesn’t like me seeing other men, it is strange for him to ask out a woman in front of me. He never told me he was talking to or interested in other women yet he demanded that information from me. It is always rude to ask out a woman in front of a woman who likes you. He made it my business by asking out a woman in front of me. If I had snooped or found out by gossip, that is different. He seems insensitive and a liar.
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This is a really weird conversation to be having with a potential mate.

Exclusivity is a discussion that two-person arrive at together. If you are not yet exclusive then it should not be assumed. If you have reached the point of exclusivity then that should apply to both of you.

If he’s demanding that he be able to see other woman/forbidding you from talking about exclusivity on his part and forbidding you from talking to men, that’s not insensitive or lying that’s abusive.

Period.

The more you say about him, the more it appears that he is simply a cheater/abuser. Normal men do not try to isolate women in their lives from other men.

The more you talk, the more it appears you REALLY need someone in your life that you can talk to face to face because you’re enabling abusive behavior in others. Only a professional is qualified to untangle a mess like this. You are not going to be able to solve it with help from the internet.
 
I would not take it personally. He’s got issues. I would run, not walk away from him.
God Bless u.🌸
 
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