Explaining annulment process to non-Catholic relatives

[crosstimbers]

Hi, I’m a former Episcopalian on the road to Rome. I am currently in RCIA and going through the annulment process for my first marriage. I will be asking my two sisters to give their witness. The short version of the first marriage is basically he is a conservative fundamentalist and was controlling, abusive and misused Scripture (specifically the verses on submission of wives to their husbands) to justify his abuse. We divorced 9 years ago. Three years ago I remarried a wonderful man and he has been a great blessing for both me and my children.
That being said, I am willing to submit to the Church in this area and already it has been a source of healing. But when I called my first sister to tell her what I was doing, she was horrified. She wanted to know why I would affiliate myself with a church that A. didn’t recognize the blessing my current marriage has been and B. was patriarchal and male oriented. I didn’t really have an answer for her and would like to be better prepared when I talk to my other sister. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
Thanks

 

[Karin]

Hi, I’m a former Episcopalian on the road to Rome. I am currently in RCIA and going through the annulment process for my first marriage. I will be asking my two sisters to give their witness. The short version of the first marriage is basically he is a conservative fundamentalist and was controlling, abusive and misused Scripture (specifically the verses on submission of wives to their husbands) to justify his abuse. We divorced 9 years ago. Three years ago I remarried a wonderful man and he has been a great blessing for both me and my children.
That being said, I am willing to submit to the Church in this area and already it has been a source of healing. But when I called my first sister to tell her what I was doing, she was horrified. She wanted to know why I would affiliate myself with a church that A. didn’t recognize the blessing my current marriage has been and B. was patriarchal and male oriented. I didn’t really have an answer for her and would like to be better prepared when I talk to my other sister. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
Thanks

americancatholic.org/Newsletters/CU/ac1002.asp
americancatholic.org/Messenger/Sep1998/feature1.asp
stmaron.org/CHURCH_ANNULMENTS.pdf

 

[Mommyof02green]

Catholic Answers sells a booklet ($2.95)
It’s called: Annulments: What You Need To Know

Here is the link to the store: shop.catholic.com

In the search field type in: Annulments
3 books and/or booklets will come up.

Out of the 3 books that pop-up

Annulments: What you need to know and Annulments and the Catholic Church might be the best tools to help explain things to your sisters.

The booklet (Annulments: What you need to know) is relatively cheep in my opinion. If your finical state allows it you might be able to get 2 copies. (one for each sister). Just let them read it.

Also go to www.catholic.com and type in the word Annulment in the search field. There might be articles that come up that you can read/print for your sisters.

 

[awfulthings9]

First off, I would tell your sister that you are happy to discuss any of the issues she has with the church, but that you ask that she show how much she loves and respects you by supporting you in a process that is obviously important to you. Don’t let yourself be dragged into a tangle of endless questions that never ends with your sister “agreeing” with you.

As for an annulment, it isn’t about the Church “recognizing” your marriage. As with a legal contract (to use an analogy your sister will understand), there are certain things which will nullify the contract. If one party is not of legal age. If one party is coerced. If one party is not of legal “freedom” to sign a contract (because under contract elsewhere). If one party lies in representing himself.

Likewise, in our contract with God, just because we say the vows doesn’t mean that we are joining in a sacramental union. For all of the reasons above (one party lies about his intentions to be faithful or one party is coersive or it was a drunken Vegas wedding, for instance), the marriage just never happened in the first place. The dishonest party may have fooled the officient and his/her fiance, but God wasn’t fooled (he would have known, for instance, our intention never to be faithful, and he would have known if we weren’t getting married of our own free will). An annulment (or rather, a declaration of nullity) is simply the church doing an investigation to see if all the things God would have been looking for were there. If they weren’t, who are we (or your sister), to tell God that it was a marriage anyway.

As for her accusations that the church is male-dominated, the Catholic Church is the only church who is offering you the opportunity to discover that the man who never showed you the respect you deserved was not, in fact, worthy of being called your husband to begin with. You do, after all, deserve much better. Despite her implication that the church is sexist, this seems like quite the opposite.

 

[cecilia97]

Likewise, in our contract with God, just because we say the vows doesn’t mean that we are joining in a sacramental union. For all of the reasons above (one party lies about his intentions to be faithful or one party is coersive or it was a drunken Vegas wedding, for instance), the marriage just never happened in the first place. The dishonest party may have fooled the officient and his/her fiance, but God wasn’t fooled (he would have known, for instance, our intention never to be faithful, and he would have known if we weren’t getting married of our own free will). An annulment (or rather, a declaration of nullity) is simply the church doing an investigation to see if all the things God would have been looking for were there. If they weren’t, who are we (or your sister), to tell God that it was a marriage anyway.

I totally agree! The Church assumes that every marriage is valid and sacramental unless proven otherwise. And people can have all the right intentions but not be capable of making the promises they’re saying on their wedding day…because of background, psychology, addictions, etc.

As for her accusations that the church is male-dominated, the Catholic Church is the only church who is offering you the opportunity to discover that the man who never showed you the respect you deserved was not, in fact, worthy of being called your husband to begin with. You do, after all, deserve much better. Despite her implication that the church is sexist, this seems like quite the opposite.

I went to a group called DivorceCare for a while, at a non-denom church near me. The difference between how divorce is handled in that church and in our own became very apparent. They read us the passges from the gospels about divorce, and told us they knew it was hard for divorced Christians to reconcile this with their situation…and offered no wisdom about how that is possible. It was like rubbing salt in the wound. But the Church offers us a way to find out if we were actually in a valid sacramental union, and if we weren’t, we can move on. The Church admits that a divorce can end the civil aspects of a marriage, but that it does not break the sacramental bond. An annulment isn’t a Catholic divorce.

There’s just a lot of misconceptions about annulments out there.

cecilia

 

[crosstimbers]

Thank you everyone for you (name removed by moderator)ut. I appreciate the links and reading recommendations. I hadn’t thought of sending my sisters some written information. Duh! And to my sister’s credit, she did say she would support me and participate.

just because we say the vows doesn’t mean that we are joining in a sacramental union.

One of the blessings of this process has been that, when the priest explained a sacramental union to me, I immediately knew in my spirit that we hadn’t had one. Hopefully the Church will agree with me! But in any case, just realizing that has been so freeing!

And as far as the church being sexist, I have seen more respect for women in the Catholic Church, especially via Mary and the saints, than I ever saw in the fundamentalist church I attended during my first marriage!

 

[1ke]

I highly recommend you get the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster.

But, ultimately, I would ask her if she can be your witness or not-- no explanation on your part is necessary. If it’s important to you it should be important to her. If she’s not supportive, find someone who is.

 

[dulcissima]

And as far as the church being sexist, I have seen more respect for women in the Catholic Church, especially via Mary and the saints, than I ever saw in the fundamentalist church I attended during my first marriage!

Most people don’t fully understand Church teaching – and just how respectful of women it truly is. Honestly, I do not think there is another church out there that even comes close. People are kidding themselves if they think the ordination of women somehow means that women are respected or that birth control somehow liberates women.

 

[Mommyof02green]

Thank you everyone for you (name removed by moderator)ut. I appreciate the links and reading recommendations. I hadn’t thought of sending my sisters some written information.

I hope it goes well. Sometimes sending written information works, because it gives the party reading a chance to take it in. It, also, allows them to take in the “whole” picture, not just the bits and pieces that they “hear”. The person reading also gets a change to read it multiple times before responding. So they get a chance to digest it at their pace.

I have the feeling the biggest problem your sister has to all of this, is her lack of understanding the “truth” of what an annulment is, and her lack of understanding of what a marriage is in the “eyes” of the Church.

So I would gather some written info on annulments and the sacrament of Marriage for you sister to read. Maybe with a note, saying I hope this answers some of your questions and concerns. Call me when you are done reading this material.

OP God Bless and Welcome “Home”,
Mommyof02green.

 

[crosstimbers]

I went to a group called DivorceCare for a while, at a non-denom church near me. The difference between how divorce is handled in that church and in our own became very apparent. They read us the passges from the gospels about divorce, and told us they knew it was hard for divorced Christians to reconcile this with their situation…and offered no wisdom about how that is possible. It was like rubbing salt in the wound.

Cecilia,
Yes, I went to that same class and had the same reaction. I did think it was somewhat helpful to my daughters though. Another thing I noticed in the fundamentalist church was that people who joined the church already divorced were MUCH more accepted and ministered to than people who divorced when they were already current members. It was as if, since their theology of marriage and submission had failed, well then it must lack of faith on your part. In my case, even though I was very involved in the church and my husband was a nominal member, even though the pastor knew he was abusive, because I was the one who filed for divorce I was rejected and he was embraced. He did put on a good “poor me, I’m the victim” show which is typical behavior for abusers. Eventually I was able to see that he really did me a great favor because I needed to get away from that church and that whole mindset.
Nancy