Explaining my upcoming marriage to an anti-marriage friend

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melie

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I have a friend I have known since I was a little girl that has become very philosophically and personally invested in polyamory. She also identifies as a lesbian. We are not as close as we once were, but I do care about her very much.

I spent a few years away from the Church in my late teens and early twenties. I am abundantly grateful to have found my way back and am getting married next April. (I’m in my mid-twenties now.)

I am struggling with how to explain this change to her. When I told her I was engaged, she was happy but said some things that bothered me (i.e., why didn’t I do the proposing, was this a “financial” decision?). We didn’t even get into the religious aspect of my desire to marry.

I am struggling with how to explain my “reversion” to her, as well as my new-found happiness in a relationship she would doubtlessly describe as oppressive and backward. I would like to maintain a relationship with her, and I don’t want her to think I that I think she’s depraved because of her homosexuality.

We’ve disagreed on plenty of things before. Even when I was away from the Church, I was very skeptical of her philosophy on polyamory, for example. And we have mutual friends that are Catholic that she still talks to, but they have been consistently practicing for as long as she’s known them.

I have heard people say that sometimes when you live faithfully, you lose friends. I get that, but I don’t think it’s inevitable here. I’m just at a complete loss with how to approach the situation since I have spent most of my “adult” life not having to navigate this kind of thing.

Any advice?
 
I don’t really understand why you think you need to *explain *anything at all.

You told her you were getting married, that’s pretty much the end of it.
 
1ke said:
I don’t really understand why you think you need to *explain *anything at all.

You told her you were getting married, that’s pretty much the end of it.
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Yep.

I can understand you not wanting to lose your friend, but unfortunately you can’t make her stay, either. It already sounds like she’s been pretty hostile to you. You don’t need to constantly explain yourself to her. If she wants to know, she will ask, but I would say, that if she’s asking as means to get fodder for her own agenda, then I wouldn’t engage in those conversations.

I say you can continue to invite her to socialize the way you have in the past (provided it’s not immoral) and she can decide if she wants to continue the friendship or not. If she is repeatedly declining, then unfortunately you will have your answer.
 
There’s a bit more context here and I didn’t want to make the thread too long—

She currently lives abroad and is back in town for awhile. I know that she is going to push the issue when we talk about the wedding. I would like to have a decent answer for her but don’t know what that would look like.
 
melie said:
There’s a bit more context here and I didn’t want to make the thread too long—

She currently lives abroad and is back in town for awhile. I know that she is going to push the issue when we talk about the wedding. I would like to have a decent answer for her but don’t know what that would look like.
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The thing is you can’t guarantee that you will have a response that satisfies her. It’s actually very probable that she won’t be satisfied by it.

I would be as simple as possible. If you feel like you were called to marriage and to marry this man in particular, then say so. “This is what God is calling me to do with my life. I know that this may be hard for you to understand, but I am very happy and know that I am following the path that is meant for me.”

If she values your friendship, she may still very strongly disagree with you but then you’ve drawn a clear line that says, “This is not challenge-able.” She may choose to respect that to maintain the friendship. And you have an opportunity to evangelize by example. But I would not use the conversation about your marriage to also be an opportunity to admonish her for the way she’s living her life. I would be very careful about that.

Still though, it may not turn out the way you want it, and that is scary and hard.
 
pensmama87 said:
The thing is you can’t guarantee that you will have a response that satisfies her. It’s actually very probable that she won’t be satisfied by it.

I would be as simple as possible. If you feel like you were called to marriage and to marry this man in particular, then say so. “This is what God is calling me to do with my life. I know that this may be hard for you to understand, but I am very happy and know that I am following the path that is meant for me.”

If she values your friendship, she may still very strongly disagree with you but then you’ve drawn a clear line that says, “This is not challenge-able.” She may choose to respect that to maintain the friendship. And you have an opportunity to evangelize by example. But I would not use the conversation about your marriage to also be an opportunity to admonish her for the way she’s living her life. I would be very careful about that.

Still though, it may not turn out the way you want it, and that is scary and hard.
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This is a good answer. Thank you. : )
 
1ke said:
I don’t really understand why you think you need to *explain *anything at all.

You told her you were getting married, that’s pretty much the end of it.
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I agree wholeheartedly
 
Is your goal to inform your friend that you are getting married, or to convince her that she should approve of it? It sounds as if you’ve already done the former, so I don’t think you need to say much more on the subject. If it’s the latter, I think you need to go into it with the understanding that there’s a good chance that you won’t be successful and an attempt could mean the end of your friendship with her. If it were me, I would be happy enough that she accepts my choice and not try to force her approval. I would just pray for her and try to make my life my testimony. Maybe one day she will change her mind about monogamy if she sees how happy you are?
 
If she asks why you’re getting married, tell her the truth. I don’t know about your reasons, but for me it was 1) I always felt called to marriage, 2) I loved my wife and felt that I could commit myself to her for the rest of my life, 3) saw that she’d be a good life partner for me, 4) saw it as a way for us to become one, and 5) wanted to have children, and understood marriage to be correct relationship for that.

Reflecting on your reasons is a good idea regardless of whether you share them or not, but you could really witness to her here.
 
I don’t see why you need to explain to her why/how, etc. you are getting married. I would think this would fall under a non-debatable issue. She lives her life the way she wants without interference/debate from you, so I don’t understand why she can’t do the same for you.

Maybe she is threatened that you are entering into a lifelong commitment? I know how she lives her life, but could one of the reasons be because she hasn’t been able to have a long term relationship? I’m just speculating here.
 
Is she expecting you to justify her decision to you? Are you not supposed to simply accept her life decisions without her having to justify them to you? It sort of seems like a double-standard to me.
 
“It’s my life and this is the way I want to live it. I don’t harp on you about your lifestyle.” 🤷
 
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