Explanation for mil

[ela2]

My mil wants to apologize for some of the mean and thoughtless things she has said to me. She will be calling after 8 hours. I need help with explaining to her one of the things because she doesn’t understand why and how i found it wrong/annoying/disrespectful.

I hope this doesn’t get too long…

When we had our baby, she called to congratulate us. Immediately the next sentence was: “make sure you hold his head properly, and make sure to help him burp”.

(I got so annoyed, and thought "no, we’re going to feed him then put him in the room and watch movies, volume high)

Sadly my mil is one of those people who thinks no one knows anything except for themselves.(however, she doesn’t really as dh + sils were brought up very poorly, but that’s another story). Besides this she knows I’m 30 years old, knows that I know more than the average woman out there (my mother taught us all that a girl should know by the age of 15-child care, cooking, sewing, housework, etc.).

My sisters in law, her daughters, did not know anything when they got married and so mil was always the one telling them then what to do and how to do it. Maybe it’s a habit I think, but then again she knows I know how to do things, so what could it be? Just thoughtlessness?

How do I explain that what she said was annoying and disrespectful, etc. to a new mother, when all that one wants to hear are some kind and encouraging words?

 

[Nelka]

What does mil stand for?

 

[Isca]

Mil = Mother-in-law.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Hi.

I’ve been married for almost 17 years. My mother in law is the type to offer unsolicited advice to the point that it becomes nagging.

An example is when she came to visit my son at the hospital. (He’s recovering following a brain injury). One of his issues is that it is difficult for him to sit up and to hold his head upright. He had brain surgery, so he keeps his head turned away from the surgery site.

The entire time she was here she mentioned that “I don’t like his head in that position.”. “Do the doctors know?” And “If he doesnt straighten out, he’ll get scoliosis”. I wanted to scream.

I didn’t and just nodded and tried to smile,and explained why he kept his head that way. I tried and if she doesn’t get it, I can’t help it.

As for you. Tell your mil, "thank you for the advice, but I’m familiar with baby care. I’ve got a great pediatrician. " then leave it.

My parents raised me to be self sufficient as well. I had loads of responsibilities, including helping my grandfather with clerical things, like bills, balancing his check book, etc.

My husband’s mom didn’t allow them to do simple things like laundry. My sister in law never knew how to do laundry, until she was married. My mother in law wouldn’t allow her to use the washer/ dryer because they might get used incorrectly.

Sorry for such a long post, for just a line of advice.

 

[Xantippe]

My mil wants to apologize for some of the mean and thoughtless things she has said to me. She will be calling after 8 hours. I need help with explaining to her one of the things because she doesn’t understand why and how i found it wrong/annoying/disrespectful.

I hope this doesn’t get too long…

When we had our baby, she called to congratulate us. Immediately the next sentence was: “make sure you hold his head properly, and make sure to help him burp”.

(I got so annoyed, and thought "no, we’re going to feed him then put him in the room and watch movies, volume high)

Sadly my mil is one of those people who thinks no one knows anything except for themselves.(however, she doesn’t really as dh + sils were brought up very poorly, but that’s another story). Besides this she knows I’m 30 years old, knows that I know more than the average woman out there (my mother taught us all that a girl should know by the age of 15-child care, cooking, sewing, housework, etc.).

My sisters in law, her daughters, did not know anything when they got married and so mil was always the one telling them then what to do and how to do it. Maybe it’s a habit I think, but then again she knows I know how to do things, so what could it be? Just thoughtlessness?

How do I explain that what she said was annoying and disrespectful, etc. to a new mother, when all that one wants to hear are some kind and encouraging words?

You can gently point it out to her, but I’m not sure you can stop it completely.

I have to confess, being a mom, there’s a constant stream of advice and questions coming out of my mouth, and a lot of the time, I don’t remember what the kids told me when I asked 2 minutes ago. So I ask them again–maybe even repeatedly in the same morning.

Have you used the bathroom?
Have you done your homework?
Have you brushed your teeth?
Have you had a snack?
Don’t forget to ask your teacher about makeup work.
Etc.

I’m sure it’s annoying for the kids if they’ve done what they need to do, but a lot of times, at least one hasn’t. I genuinely can’t remember what I’ve asked any particular child, and it’s safer to say something to not say something.

I’m afraid that having formed this particular bad habit over a period of 12+ years, I’m on track to be exactly like your MIL when I have adult children.

Maybe there needs to be some sort of program to de-mom mothers of competent adult children?

 

[MJJean]

How do I explain that what she said was annoying and disrespectful, etc. to a new mother, when all that one wants to hear are some kind and encouraging words?

Grow a thicker skin. Seriously. It’s bothersome, but people love to give new parents all kinds of advice from common sense (which ain’t so common) to the outlandish. If you get upset every time someone says something like “Make sure you hold Baby’s head.” you’re going to end up on blood pressure meds!

I remember wanting to put gags on people! My mom was disabled and my dad worked 16 hour days. I cared for two much younger siblings (both were preemies and both had heath problems in infancy). I took care of countless cousins and a few of my friends babies/toddlers when they needed help. Growing up, I did all of the cooking, housework and the yard work, too. I even did minor household repairs. Heck, by the time I was 12 I could fix a garbage disposal and a vacuum. Yet I still had everyone and their cat telling me how to make a bottle, change a diaper, burp the kid, what things I had to have, etc.

Drove me batty until one day I realized something…these people cared for my baby. Even those who didn’t really know us cared about the welfare of the baby. So I concentrated on that, thank the advice giver for caring and let it go.

 

[12345678]

Grow a thicker skin. Seriously. It’s bothersome, but people love to give new parents all kinds of advice from common sense (which ain’t so common) to the outlandish. If you get upset every time someone says something like “Make sure you hold Baby’s head.” you’re going to end up on blood pressure meds!

…
Drove me batty until one day I realized something…these people cared for my baby. Even those who didn’t really know us cared about the welfare of the baby. So I concentrated on that, thank the advice giver for caring and let it go.

This! I hope there are other things going on that your mil needs to apologize for, because if she is just apologizing for things like this comment, I think you need to watch your pride more than she needs to apologize. She cares, and I get why you did not like it, but it seems like she just really wants to make sure her grandkid doesn’t suffer from gas and doesn’t hurt his/her neck. Sometimes parents will state the obvious to their kids just to reassure themselves that the kids will be careful. We are only seeing a small part of your picture, but from this little bit I feel a little sorry for your mil! I do get that you want encouragement etc, but maybe that was her way of doing it, giving you unsolicited advice?

 

[Ignatius]

My mil wants to apologize for some of the mean and thoughtless things she has said to me. She will be calling after 8 hours. I need help with explaining to her one of the things because she doesn’t understand why and how i found it wrong/annoying/disrespectful.

I hope this doesn’t get too long…

When we had our baby, she called to congratulate us. Immediately the next sentence was: “make sure you hold his head properly, and make sure to help him burp”.

(I got so annoyed, and thought "no, we’re going to feed him then put him in the room and watch movies, volume high)

Sadly my mil is one of those people who thinks no one knows anything except for themselves.(however, she doesn’t really as dh + sils were brought up very poorly, but that’s another story). Besides this she knows I’m 30 years old, knows that I know more than the average woman out there (my mother taught us all that a girl should know by the age of 15-child care, cooking, sewing, housework, etc.).

My sisters in law, her daughters, did not know anything when they got married and so mil was always the one telling them then what to do and how to do it. Maybe it’s a habit I think, but then again she knows I know how to do things, so what could it be? Just thoughtlessness?

How do I explain that what she said was annoying and disrespectful, etc. to a new mother, when all that one wants to hear are some kind and encouraging words?

Congratulations on your wonderful blessed event.
Have you read Saint Terese, the Little Flower?

You know, if you just let it pass (or at least offer it up), she’ll stop doing that in a little while and then you will have avoided the confrontation all together.

May God bless you and give you the patience and love to deal with her in a very loving and kind way.

 

[EasterJoy]

Why did you interpret her meddling as “mean” or “disrespectful”? OK, “thoughtless” I can see, but is it so hard to presume that she meant well? And no, getting to the age of 30 before giving birth does not give you any more knowledge of babies than parents who are younger than you are. If you hadn’t been around any babies, where would you have magically picked up that knowledge? (If you knew all the things that some older parents did not know, you might be shocked.)

I think it would be the most gracious to tell her that you know she means well, but that this is a sensitive area for you. She should please refrain from offering unsolicited parenting advice to you. (As for your husband…c’mon, give the poor woman a little room to offer advice to him. He gets to complain, of course, but don’t make this poor grandmother bite her helpful tongue entirely. Be better sports than that. )

BTW, withhold judgment on the poor way she raised her own kids until you have yours raised. Even if you have several times more success than she had, you will be more compassionate in your judgment of other parents, I can guarantee you. The only people who find it easier to be a good parent than they thought are the ones who were afraid it might be impossible.

 

[ela2]

Why did you interpret her meddling as “mean” or “disrespectful”? OK, “thoughtless” I can see, but is it so hard to presume that she meant well? And no, getting to the age of 30 before giving birth does not give you any more knowledge of babies than parents who are younger than you are. If you hadn’t been around any babies, where would you have magically picked up that knowledge? (If you knew all the things that some older parents did not know, you might be shocked.)

****Her meddling I interpreted as annoying, thoughtless and disrespectful, not mean. Mean are the other things she said to me. ****

Like mjjean mil knows I come from a family of 12 children. I cared entirely for my small brother. Plus I have nearly hundred cousins. We had a babies in the family every year.
She sees dh and her daughters as 6 year olds. Like I said perhaps its a habit.

I think it would be the most gracious to tell her that you know she means well, but that this is a sensitive area for you. She should please refrain from offering unsolicited parenting advice to you. (As for your husband…c’mon, give the poor woman a little room to offer advice to him. He gets to complain, of course, but don’t make this poor grandmother bite her helpful tongue entirely. Be better sports than that. )

Yes this I must work on.

BTW, withhold judgment on the poor way she raised her own kids until you have yours raised. Even if you have several times more success than she had, you will be more compassionate in your judgment of other parents, I can guarantee you. The only people who find it easier to be a good parent than they thought are the ones who were afraid it might be impossible.

**
Please read my other threads. I don’t mean to judge her. I said that for informations sake. But dh was raised in a very unhealthy environment. She has displayed symptoms of borderline but it’s not my place to say that she definitely is. He ended up being alcoholic and a drug abuser. Now anyone’s child could end up like that but dh blames it entirely on his upbringing. Like I said that is a different story.**

Thanks for your advice!

 

[ela2]

Grow a thicker skin. Seriously. It’s bothersome, but people love to give new parents all kinds of advice from common sense (which ain’t so common) to the outlandish. If you get upset every time someone says something like “Make sure you hold Baby’s head.” you’re going to end up on blood pressure meds!

I remember wanting to put gags on people! My mom was disabled and my dad worked 16 hour days. I cared for two much younger siblings (both were preemies and both had heath problems in infancy). I took care of countless cousins and a few of my friends babies/toddlers when they needed help. Growing up, I did all of the cooking, housework and the yard work, too. I even did minor household repairs. Heck, by the time I was 12 I could fix a garbage disposal and a vacuum. Yet I still had everyone and their cat telling me how to make a bottle, change a diaper, burp the kid, what things I had to have, etc.

Drove me batty until one day I realized something…these people cared for my baby. Even those who didn’t really know us cared about the welfare of the baby. So I concentrated on that, thank the advice giver for caring and let it go.

Thanks!

 

[ela2]

This! I hope there are other things going on that your mil needs to apologize for, because if she is just apologizing for things like this comment, I think you need to watch your pride more than she needs to apologize. She cares, and I get why you did not like it, but it seems like she just really wants to make sure her grandkid doesn’t suffer from gas and doesn’t hurt his/her neck. Sometimes parents will state the obvious to their kids just to reassure themselves that the kids will be careful. We are only seeing a small part of your picture, but from this little bit I feel a little sorry for your mil! I do get that you want encouragement etc, but maybe that was her way of doing it, giving you unsolicited advice?

There are plenty of other things going on which I can easily explain to her but I just need help with this one. I guess I’ll tell her what easterjoy suggested.

Yes from this one can only see a small part of the picture…

Please if interested read other threads.

It was caf + priests, 3 of them, who told me to keep my distance but be polite. Doing exactly this mil realized some if her mistakes and would like to apologize. (I’m so happy because we can enjoy a richer relationship now) I want to explain to her this bit nicely. Sometimes I just can’t seem to explain the easy things, now it comes to mind that I should say " thanks I know you mean well but I would ask for advice when I need it." Something like this I guess…

The reason I ask how to explain because English is my third language whereas it is my mil’s first language…

Thanks though!

 

[Allegra]

Yes, that sounds annoying. However, annoying is just annoying. I don’t think being annoyed justifies demanding an apology or a family meeting or anything like that. If she wants to know why it annoys you, just tell her that you don’t care for unsolicited advice. Or, if she does it again say, “I got this,” and move on. My MIL offers is a bit of a worry wart (she believes any outrageous claim that she reads on the internet) and she often contacts me, worrying that we aren’t keeping our family safe enough. I just keep repeating that we’ve got it all under control.

 

[UbiCaritas]

IIRC, the OP’s MIL has accused the OP and the OP’s husband of being in league with the devil for daring to disagree with the MIL on minor points in the past. This isn’t just a case of a slightly overbearing grandma, to say the least.

OP, speaking as someone with an extremely toxic and manipulative mother, I hope very much that this phone call goes well and that bridges are able to be mended. However, if it doesn’t and they aren’t–or if she reoffends shortly thereafter–please do what you must to protect yourself. Do not feel that you or your baby have to put up with abusive behavior just because she’s your MIL.

I would suggest saying something like, “I appreciate that you have a lot of experience in raising children. DH and I will be certain to ask you for advice if we need it, but please don’t offer it unless we explicitly request it. We prefer to figure this out on our own. Thanks!”

I also suggest you have the phone on speaker or, if it’s a landline, have your DH pick up an extension so that a) you’re all on the same page and b) she can’t claim later that you said something that you didn’t, causing friction between you and your DH.

 

[ela2]

IIRC, the OP’s MIL has accused the OP and the OP’s husband of being in league with the devil for daring to disagree with the MIL on minor points in the past. This isn’t just a case of a slightly overbearing grandma, to say the least.

OP, speaking as someone with an extremely toxic and manipulative mother, I hope very much that this phone call goes well and that bridges are able to be mended. However, if it doesn’t and they aren’t–or if she reoffends shortly thereafter–please do what you must to protect yourself. Do not feel that you or your baby have to put up with abusive behavior just because she’s your MIL.

I would suggest saying something like, “I appreciate that you have a lot of experience in raising children. DH and I will be certain to ask you for advice if we need it, but please don’t offer it unless we explicitly request it. We prefer to figure this out on our own. Thanks!”

I also suggest you have the phone on speaker or, if it’s a landline, have your DH pick up an extension so that a) you’re all on the same page and b) she can’t claim later that you said something that you didn’t, causing friction between you and your DH.

Thanks a lot for looking into the background and for your understanding of this situation. This us exactly how it is, it’s not mere unsolicited advice which people’s pets give as well and which I’m okay with…it’s the tone the…way it’s said. Here on the internet one can only say it like, " hold his head" but there are so many ways this can sound. What I mean it’s not an advice of concern but more like “no one knows anything nowadays”

Good idea about bringing in dh!

And thanks for the response this is what I’ll say.

Ps. Call is postponed to today evening as baby is teething…crying all day…splitting headache…

 

[Allegra]

IIRC, the OP’s MIL has accused the OP and the OP’s husband of being in league with the devil for daring to disagree with the MIL on minor points in the past. This isn’t just a case of a slightly overbearing grandma, to say the least.

If that’s the case, then reminding me to burp a baby wouldn’t even be on my long list!