Explosion in T-minus

[ericksonf]

For quite a long time now, I can honestly say that I’ve had lots and lots of “inner anger” issues. There could be many reasons as to why and I could go down the list, but I don’t think that would solve anything at the moment. As of last June, I’ve decided to convert to Catholicism because I wasn’t living a healthy, enjoyable life in Christ. I felt like I was rotting away inside. And the friends I had at the time were not in a mind to help me change my life for the better. I knew I needed to change, and I knew I needed to do it sooner than later. I feel so much better these days than I ever did in the past. However, there is this one issue that seems to REALLY bother me at times.

I’ve been told/read that the feeling of anger itself isn’t a bad thing (even Jesus got angry), but it’s what you do with it. Since, I was a kid, I’ve been bullied and slighted a lot. By other children, teachers, and even family members and various loved ones. Being bullied doesn’t happen so much now that I’m an adult, but being slighted definitely does. I try my best to pray and ask God to give me the humility to realize that my self-control is much more important than losing my temper and being potentially humiliated. It seems to get increasing more and more difficult to handle. For example, I was out with some friends a few nights ago, and a woman walked by and stepped on my foot, enough to where both of us realized what happened. She kept walking and didn’t even acknowledge it. I don’t think it would be so wrong for me to stop her and have her acknowledge what happened (correct me if I’m wrong), but I instantly got so very angry that I was afraid that if I said anything, I would have lost it right then and there, and not even to save face, but because I don’t know if I could’ve stopped myself (or so I think). So, I let it go, but the thought kept rolling over again and again in my head, even (now) two days later. I don’t know what to do. I don’t like being so angry to where (sometimes) I get a bit dizzy and I feel I’m losing my composure, but feel like getting some retribution, which I know isn’t mine to get. I don’t even like going out most of the time because I’m afraid of having to potentially hold myself together again, but I know that I can’t sit in my apartment and not enjoy life with other people either. Of course, if I spoke to many people I know about this, I would probably get the same type of answer, which would basically be something to the effect of “give in to your urges.” I don’t want to anger God and I don’t want to sin, but how can I keep from sinning in my own head when my boiling blood reaches that point? I just keep thinking I knew Jesus had to have felt some form of anger while being beaten and crucified for us, and that I should do the same. But, I need help…

 

[takers]

While I think it’s important to sometimes give into urges, knowing that they won’t physically or emotionally hurt someone, I do think you’re at a point with your anger mismanagement that you need some help to safely and rationally deal with your anger. Have you thought about talking to an anger management counselor to help you determine good and bad ways to let your emotions out so that they don’t bottle up inside? I would highly recommend this.

It sounds like you’ve bottled up emotions for so long that you no longer understand how to express what you feel in a healthy manner. And yelling is helpful, sometimes, but you have to know when to turn it off.

I hope that you are able to find some guidance and get some relief from this problem.

 

[ericksonf]

Thank you, “takers”, for your words. You’re right about things being bottled up for so long. I was never allowed to express any anger as a child. Whenever I did with my parents, it was seen as insubordination, and I was usually quickly physically disciplined or threatened with such. Trying to stand up against bullies or anyone else would also sometimes result in physical harm. Or word would get back to my parents and I’d be in trouble again. I know I’m much older now, but I really don’t feel like I can (at the moment) express anger in a healthy way. Perhaps I will try and take your advice of speaking with a counselor… thank you again.

 

[allhers]

I have found that in order now to NOT express anger in a hateful manner that I do have to acknowledge it. I probably would have just said to the woman that stepped on me, “Hey, walk on your own feet.” Not in an angry tone, but just to let her know that I knew it was her and even though she might not have thought it any big deal, she ought to have at least said, “Oh, I’m sorry”. She probably still wouldn’t express any sorrow for what she did, but at least I’d feel better about it.
I think that if you let everything bottle up until you can’t take it anymore then you will explode in an angry, hateful outburst at someone, and more than likely it sure will not be at anyone that did anything to wrong you.
I think its best to direct anger toward those who are the ones that you are angry with, sometimes all it takes is to say something like, “I feel anger…this isn’t good.” Or “Wow, that just made me feel a few degrees warmer when you put it that way.” Then just explain what you are talking about. I don’t think most people are trying to make someone angry, I think they are just in their own “world” dealing with whatever is going on in their head or life at the time. We are responsible for our own anger. No one can make you angry, you choose to become angry.
Sometimes just talking it over with someone else helps too. (like in the situation where someone stepped on you, could you just have mentioned it to those you were with casually, like saying, hey, that woman just stepped on me and acted like I wasn’t even there. Someone would have probably said, “how rude!” and then at least you would have had the acknowledgement that you are a worthy person.