Failed vocation

[j_houghton]

Ever since I was in my early teens, I have felt that God has been calling me to the religious life, probably as a Benedictine monk. However, I also have SSA and pretty much abandoned the practice of my faith for the gay lifestyle when I was 19.

I am now thirty years old and, despite having been living the gay lifestyle for many years, some part of me has always felt drawn back to the Church (e.g. I spend most of my time on the internet reading Catholic sites and blogs) and I do still feel attracted to the monastic life.

I am currently considering trying to return to the Church. However, I realise that even if I were to do so, it would now be impossible for me to enter a religious order, given both my personal history and the Church’s recent instruction on the admission of men with SSA to the priesthood.

However, if one assumes that I did have a genuine vocation (but then failed to respond to it), then does mean that I have effectively failed in life, as I have failed to respond to what I believed was God’s will for it? Is it possible that God could have a ‘back-up’ plan for my life as I have messed up on the first one?

Any thoughts or comments (and prayers!) would be much appreciated.
Joe

 

[bilop]

Ever since I was in my early teens, I have felt that God has been calling me to the religious life, probably as a Benedictine monk. However, I also have SSA and pretty much abandoned the practice of my faith for the gay lifestyle when I was 19.

I am now thirty years old and, despite having been living the gay lifestyle for many years, some part of me has always felt drawn back to the Church (e.g. I spend most of my time on the internet reading Catholic sites and blogs) and I do still feel attracted to the monastic life.

I am currently considering trying to return to the Church. However, I realise that even if I were to do so, it would now be impossible for me to enter a religious order, given both my personal history and the Church’s recent instruction on the admission of men with SSA to the priesthood.

However, if one assumes that I did have a genuine vocation (but then failed to respond to it), then does mean that I have effectively failed in life, as I have failed to respond to what I believed was God’s will for it? Is it possible that God could have a ‘back-up’ plan for my life as I have messed up on the first one?

Any thoughts or comments (and prayers!) would be much appreciated.
Joe

No one can be said to have “failed” until they face the final judgement (at death). God always has a back up plan (lots of them) all the way up to death-bed conversions.

The primary vocation for ALL is the call to holiness; to reach Heaven and to enjoy the beatific vision.

Since you are still alive, you have not failed at that. You are one good confession from returning to the state of grace.

I’m sure you know what you need to do. Abandon the gay lifestyle, go to confession, start attending Mass and receiveing the sacraments, and live a chaste life. Of course that won’t be easy, holiness never is. There are resources to help you; Courage is a fully Catholic group helping those with SSA live chaste lives.

God Bless

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

Your thoughts about returning to the Church sound like the promptings of the Holy Spirit to me. I pray that you’ll continue to be open to those promptings and will fully return to the practice of your faith.

And I wouldn’t give up on your vocation. You won’t know if you’d be acceptable to a monastery unless you talk with the vocation director of one…or more.

Take things one step at a time and keep responding to that still small voice.

 

[joamy]

I will pray for you!!! One thing I know (from my own experiences and failures) is that God can use my past mistakes for something good. This is what gives me hope when I make mistakes now (and I do, in spite of trying hard not to).

Maybe you could find a place to start going to mass? Also, confession is a wonderful, healing sacrement.

Many orders have a lay component to them. I would repeat what
SuscipeMeDomine said - you don’t know about a community till you ask.

Prayers are with you

 

[Poor_Clare_tobe]

"I am currently considering trying to return to the Church. However, I realise that even if I were to do so, it would now be impossible for me to enter a religious order, given both my personal history and the Church’s recent instruction on the admission of men with SSA to the priesthood.

One never knows what lies ahead… however returning to the church and the sacraments would be the first step necessary…[and yes will be praying for you]

"
However, if one assumes that I did have a genuine vocation (but then failed to respond to it), then does mean that I have effectively failed in life, as I have failed to respond to what I believed was God’s will for it? Is it possible that God could have a ‘back-up’ plan for my life as I have messed up on the first one?"

bilop said it much better than I could …No one can be said to have “failed” until they face the final judgement (at death). God always has a back up plan (lots of them) all the way up to death-bed conversions.

The primary vocation for ALL is the call to holiness; to reach Heaven and to enjoy the beatific vision.

Since you are still alive, you have not failed at that. You are one good confession from returning to the state of grace.

I’m sure you know what you need to do. Abandon the gay lifestyle, go to confession, start attending Mass and receiveing the sacraments, and live a chaste life. Of course that won’t be easy, holiness never is. There are resources to help you; Courage is a fully Catholic group helping those with SSA live chaste lives.
"

The point is while we are here we have time to find God, find Gods plan for our lives and follow it… there are many religious societies for lay people out there as well as programs for priestly life so if one doesnt work out… try the other… first and foremost get your self back to the graces the church has for you… take one step at a time… no one has failed who returns to God… you sound like someone searching and our prayers are most certainly with you on your journey remember holy people all started somewhere on their journey… many saints were great sinners before their conversion so never feel a failure… blessings and we will all pray for you on your journey… maybe connecting with people facing similar life challenges would help you ? good luck and God bless you!

 

[Trishie]

Dear Joe,
I know of one person who really messed up. He’d seen all the miracles, but above all he’d seen the extraordinary goodness and kindness of the most amazingly good man he’d ever known.
At one stage that man had changed his name and told him he would found His church on him. Peter also knew that Jesus had said, If you deny me before men I will deny you before my Father in heaven.

Deny Jesus before men and women was exactly what Peter did, three times, and at the worst possible time. He left his Friend bereft. He wasn’t there for Him. He didn’t even keep vigil with Him as he died. He thoroughly betrayed Him.

So what did Jesus do when he saw Peter next? He didn’t say, “okay, you’re gone. You totally let me down. You’re not fit to be my first bishop.” He simply asked him as many times as he denied Him, three times, “Peter, do you love me?” Peter got upset by the third time because he knew he’d proved that he didn’t love Jesus enough…not then anyway. All Jesus did then was to reaffirm his vocation…“feed my lambs…feed my sheep.”

Maybe you won’t get into religious life now. But Jesus had a good idea Peter was going to fail him. He warned him beforehand. I think Jesus realised you were going to do the same out of your free will too…and he still has a place, a future for you.

 

[Trishie]

In failure

Jesus, I put my trust in the apparent failure of the Cross, for You are condemned to a criminal’s execution and it seems that Your mission has failed, You who alone could redeem humanity.

Who can accept that it is God-incarnate whose sweat and blood drips into the dust, from Your drained, dishonoured body! Yet Your human cry of abandonment by the Father is belied by the triumph of love and faith in Your final confident submission. You die, but You have not betrayed the Father’s trust.

Jesus, to my sadness, I fail in many ways and sin against others by my failures. **Have I betrayed Your will or mistaken Your purpose? Will You restore me to grace now, Jesus? To do what? Will You show me? Will You fuse together the broken pieces—of my life, of my service—to make a new and better creation? Am I to step around the fragments and to pass another way? **

I ask to walk with certainty along the path of holiness that You choose uniquely for me. If not, then please allow me the certainty of buoyant faith. I ask courage to continue through the enveloping fog, trusting each small moment to the illumination of faith and grace.

Jesus out of my failure and sorrow You will bring healing and goodness luminescent as priceless pearls grown around grains of suffering, for Your glory, and for others’ remedy and blessing.

 

[Spirithound]

Ever since I was in my early teens, I have felt that God has been calling me to the religious life, probably as a Benedictine monk. However, I also have SSA and pretty much abandoned the practice of my faith for the gay lifestyle when I was 19.

I am now thirty years old and, despite having been living the gay lifestyle for many years, some part of me has always felt drawn back to the Church (e.g. I spend most of my time on the internet reading Catholic sites and blogs) and I do still feel attracted to the monastic life.

I am currently considering trying to return to the Church. However, I realise that even if I were to do so, it would now be impossible for me to enter a religious order, given both my personal history and the Church’s recent instruction on the admission of men with SSA to the priesthood.

However, if one assumes that I did have a genuine vocation (but then failed to respond to it), then does mean that I have effectively failed in life, as I have failed to respond to what I believed was God’s will for it? Is it possible that God could have a ‘back-up’ plan for my life as I have messed up on the first one?

Any thoughts or comments (and prayers!) would be much appreciated.
Joe

My brother, welcome home. If you have not already, I strongly encourage you to go to Confession. God stands ready to forgive absolutely EVERYTHING. Once you have confessed, forget your past. Do not think of failed vocations, I know many devoute Catholic men who have left the seminary, even after 3 or 4 years; perhaps God never intended you to be a priest. But your discernment begins now. Pray, pray, pray, visit monasteries, pray more, get to know our Blessed Mother, pray for her intercession, talk to all kinds of vocations directors, ask your parish priest for help in finding a spiritual director, continue praying.
God bless.