L
LongingForLight
Guest
This is going to be a longer post, because the situation covers two generations. You can’t understand how horrible the current situation is without understanding the past situation.
I have a sister who was abused sexually repeatedly by many different people while growing up. The first time she was raped, she was in foster care and was 6 years old. She was returned to her father’s care sometime after that - I was a baby, so I only know what I’ve heard and the timeline isn’t too clear. Then she was raped by boyfriends, and finally there is very strong evidence that she was raped by her father’s closest friend. Her father (our father, although I never lived with him like she did) has completely blamed the victim, and insisted that she apologize to his friend for the accusation. Only when he remarried and my stepmother told him to stop, did my father stop demanding an apology to his friend . My sister has told me how extremely hurt and betrayed she feels about this.
My sister followed the common pattern of people who have suffered serious abuse by forming relationships with abusive men, who seem to have radar for abused women. She became pregnant as a late teen and married the father, who left her - but there is some evidence that he may have abused his young daughter at some point while she was a toddler. My sister dated and lived with an extremely violent abuser after that, until my other sister was caring for the children, saw bruises in horrifying places, and followed the law by calling CPS. Thank heavens the oldest daughter was still only three or four years old - we had hope that she could still escape the “cyclical curse” of sexual abuse. My sister then married an older man who seemed lazy and a little radical fundamentalist Christian, but didn’t show signs of abuse; the only reason we had to suspect him was that he married my sister, and every other relationship she’d been in had been abusive. However, after 7 years or so of marriage, we hadn’t heard any evidence that he was harming anyone - so we thought the cycle was broken. I visited them in late August for the first time in years, and the family seemed great. Stressed by the recession, normal tension from a teen growing into an adult, but normal. I certainly didn’t get those “bad vibes”.
Now we don’t know about him anymore, but it doesn’t look good. The oldest daughter reported a rape by him last month, and her mom seems to be putting subtle pressure on her “not to lie” in front of other family - who knows what she is saying where we can’t hear them? I truly, truly hope and pray that there is more to the story, that it is not true - but I don’t believe it for a second. I am very scared that this amazing young woman was raped by her stepfather, and her mother, who has been through “blame the victim”, is falling back on treating her daughter the way that she herself was treated. Her mother has a history of lying to protect her outwardly perfect family, and I’m truly scared that she really hasn’t conquered that yet.
Please pray for a miracle. Pray that honesty, whatever the truth is, wins, and that this cycle of lies and abuse gets broken. The stepfather is in jail right now, presumably because of this. EVERYONE in this family is in need right now, no matter what happened.
Also, the children’s biological father is trying to get them removed from the home. It’s hard to tell if he knows about any of this, or just got lucky on his timing. At first I thought he was playing games, but now I’m wondering if it might be good for these children to get away from their mother for a while. I love her very dearly and nothing will change that, but it’s the 12-year-old girl, my niece, who still has a chance to be stong and break this cycle before another generation gets hurt, who is most vulnerable no matter what happened, and her brother, that are my first concern. There is also another daughter born after my sister married the stepfather who is six years old, so pray for her as well. I truly hope that her youth means she’s safe. After all, the stepdaughter wasn’t hurt (assuming she was hurt, which seems probable) until she was past puberty.
My other sister is first in line if their mother loses custody, but my husband and I are discussing if we could take them into our home if that doesn’t work out for any reason (unlikely - they would truly be ideal foster parents). Please pray that God moves us to make the right decision, so that we are ready if we are asked. I know that phone call can sometimes come out of the blue - this isn’t the first time we’ve been asked if we could take in someone in my family.
I wish there were something more I can do. I feel so distanced, like I’m watching a screenplay unfold. I thought our family was past this kind of horror story. I thought people had picked up the pieces and put their lives together.
I thought the children were safe now.
Our Father in Heaven, His Son and our Savior, and Holy Spirit who sanctifies, please please please bring your light into this suffering. Please free these children and their families from the bondage of sin’s consequences. Oh Lord, please help them.
It was so much easier to bear when I was a teenager myself and it was my siblings. Or maybe it just seems that way because it was so long ago.
I have a sister who was abused sexually repeatedly by many different people while growing up. The first time she was raped, she was in foster care and was 6 years old. She was returned to her father’s care sometime after that - I was a baby, so I only know what I’ve heard and the timeline isn’t too clear. Then she was raped by boyfriends, and finally there is very strong evidence that she was raped by her father’s closest friend. Her father (our father, although I never lived with him like she did) has completely blamed the victim, and insisted that she apologize to his friend for the accusation. Only when he remarried and my stepmother told him to stop, did my father stop demanding an apology to his friend . My sister has told me how extremely hurt and betrayed she feels about this.
My sister followed the common pattern of people who have suffered serious abuse by forming relationships with abusive men, who seem to have radar for abused women. She became pregnant as a late teen and married the father, who left her - but there is some evidence that he may have abused his young daughter at some point while she was a toddler. My sister dated and lived with an extremely violent abuser after that, until my other sister was caring for the children, saw bruises in horrifying places, and followed the law by calling CPS. Thank heavens the oldest daughter was still only three or four years old - we had hope that she could still escape the “cyclical curse” of sexual abuse. My sister then married an older man who seemed lazy and a little radical fundamentalist Christian, but didn’t show signs of abuse; the only reason we had to suspect him was that he married my sister, and every other relationship she’d been in had been abusive. However, after 7 years or so of marriage, we hadn’t heard any evidence that he was harming anyone - so we thought the cycle was broken. I visited them in late August for the first time in years, and the family seemed great. Stressed by the recession, normal tension from a teen growing into an adult, but normal. I certainly didn’t get those “bad vibes”.
Now we don’t know about him anymore, but it doesn’t look good. The oldest daughter reported a rape by him last month, and her mom seems to be putting subtle pressure on her “not to lie” in front of other family - who knows what she is saying where we can’t hear them? I truly, truly hope and pray that there is more to the story, that it is not true - but I don’t believe it for a second. I am very scared that this amazing young woman was raped by her stepfather, and her mother, who has been through “blame the victim”, is falling back on treating her daughter the way that she herself was treated. Her mother has a history of lying to protect her outwardly perfect family, and I’m truly scared that she really hasn’t conquered that yet.
Please pray for a miracle. Pray that honesty, whatever the truth is, wins, and that this cycle of lies and abuse gets broken. The stepfather is in jail right now, presumably because of this. EVERYONE in this family is in need right now, no matter what happened.
Also, the children’s biological father is trying to get them removed from the home. It’s hard to tell if he knows about any of this, or just got lucky on his timing. At first I thought he was playing games, but now I’m wondering if it might be good for these children to get away from their mother for a while. I love her very dearly and nothing will change that, but it’s the 12-year-old girl, my niece, who still has a chance to be stong and break this cycle before another generation gets hurt, who is most vulnerable no matter what happened, and her brother, that are my first concern. There is also another daughter born after my sister married the stepfather who is six years old, so pray for her as well. I truly hope that her youth means she’s safe. After all, the stepdaughter wasn’t hurt (assuming she was hurt, which seems probable) until she was past puberty.
My other sister is first in line if their mother loses custody, but my husband and I are discussing if we could take them into our home if that doesn’t work out for any reason (unlikely - they would truly be ideal foster parents). Please pray that God moves us to make the right decision, so that we are ready if we are asked. I know that phone call can sometimes come out of the blue - this isn’t the first time we’ve been asked if we could take in someone in my family.
I wish there were something more I can do. I feel so distanced, like I’m watching a screenplay unfold. I thought our family was past this kind of horror story. I thought people had picked up the pieces and put their lives together.
I thought the children were safe now.
Our Father in Heaven, His Son and our Savior, and Holy Spirit who sanctifies, please please please bring your light into this suffering. Please free these children and their families from the bondage of sin’s consequences. Oh Lord, please help them.
It was so much easier to bear when I was a teenager myself and it was my siblings. Or maybe it just seems that way because it was so long ago.
