Family and friends get together

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This past Sunday we celebrated the Baptism of our 3 week old son. We invited my family and my husband’s. They are all either falling away from the faith or completely fallen away. We also invited our friends with large families who are very devout. Everyone got along fine, but there were some awkward moments. I loved having all the kids around for my children to play with, but it was obvious that our family members were a little uncomfortable. My one sister didn’t even come, as she didn’t want to have anything to do with the Baptism or the gathering afterward to celebrate. Now my DD’s birthday is this coming weekend and my family has been invited, but my husband and I don’t know if we should include our friends this time. I’m all for it. My SIL asked if the birthday party next weekend was “just a family affair”. I said I wasn’t sure. I don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable, but I really love our friends and all the support they give us. I find myself walking on eggshells around my family worrying that I’m going to offend someone or start a debate. I don’t want that happening. What would you do?

Thanks,
Jenny
 
Are your friends close to your children? Do they have youngsters the age of DD that she would miss if they weren’t at her party?

The awkwardness will slip away over time as your family and friends (I assume they’re Catholic and that’s what the conflict was over?) spend more time together.

It’s your party, invite who you want to!

I think there are certain times when it’s nice just to have family–maybe the Christmas holidays, for instance. But even then, my mother always encourages all of us kids to invite people we know who are far from family or without any. It’s been a long time since we ever had “just family” present at any event. Friends become so entangled in our lives that they, too, are just like family and sometimes even closer to us than blood relatives.
 
You don’t say how many family and how many friends you invited. I am from a large family–when the adult siblings, their spouses, our parents, and grandchildren get together we are at 25 people. So if I have a First Communion or Confirmation and include my husband’s side of the family too, we are potentially 40 people–BEFORE any friends get invited.

So I tend to keep social events with friends separate from family religious celebrations. But my sister, who is VERY social often includes friends and their families in her kids’ religious celebrations. The bigger the group, the happier she is. (I don’t like the chaos, but she thrives on it.)

Perhaps, some of your family members prefer family-only events. But the hostess gets to invite whomever she wants–recognizing that some of the invitees may decline. Do what you are comfortable with, and accept that your family may attend or not. And remember–you can’t please all the people, all the time. And that’s especially true with adult family members!
 
I concur with the younger people. You are the hostess. You get to pick who is invited. Beside, having them around good Catholic friends might give them a shot in the arm to do what is necessary to come back.
 
I’ll clarify, I am #2 of 6 and my husband just has one brother. My 3 children are the only grandchildren in the family right now on my side and DH’s brother has 2 children. My BIL and family, MIL and FIL live out of town and already said they won’t be attending. So, the family get togethers are mostly adults which is why I thought I’d invite some of DD’s friends.
 
Hi Jenny,

It’s your party. If they (the family) has a problem with it, they can throw their own party. Don’t compromise your position or beliefs because of them. Personally, I’d invite my “devout friends”.

My wife did this at a surprise party for me. The there were about 50-60 people there, only non-catholics there was my family (from Ohio). My parents were accepting that I have found Christ, reguardless of what church I was in. My sister, on the other hand, told me that I could join her evangelical church when I come home. I told her that I was home (in the Catholic Church and in Illinois).

I found a new family in the Catholic Church. I’m sorry that my siblings are less than accepting, but that’s there problem.

God Be Praised,
DHGray
 
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jennypekny:
I’ll clarify, I am #2 of 6 and my husband just has one brother. My 3 children are the only grandchildren in the family right now on my side and DH’s brother has 2 children. My BIL and family, MIL and FIL live out of town and already said they won’t be attending. So, the family get togethers are mostly adults which is why I thought I’d invite some of DD’s friends.
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When the topic is gracious hostessing–the focus is rarely on what one has the “right” to do. It’s all about considering your guests, their comfort level and trying to make sure you don’t put someone in an akward or uncomfortable position–within reason.

Consider two possibilities with respect to your family and their preferences: If they are mostly adults, they simply may not be excited by the prospect of spending the afternoon with a bunch of little kids with whom they have no connection or affection–EVEN IF you think your friends and their young families are the greatest. Second possibility is that your relatives are anticipating some quality time with you and your kids, only to find themselves immersed in the chaos and distraction of numerous strangers.

While guests should anticipate the circumstances suggested by an invitation (i.e. by accepting an invitation to a baptism one should anticipate the presence of families with young children), some families welcome the presence of friends–others view them as intruders. Where you are mixing family and friends who are not familiar with each other, you may be expecting a lot of your family to welcome your friends as their own–especially if that was not your family’s practice when you were growing up. If it creates a problem–perhaps you should consider separate events–keeping in mind that some folks simply don’t enjoy large group events or being surrounded by a riot of toddlers–regardless of whether they are related or not.
 
For 6 years we have had separate parties and we finally decided that we will not apologize for other people’s behavior any more. So for the recent b.days of my dd and ds, we pulled out all the stops and invited everyone (my divorced and remarried parents, godparents w/ many kids, my mil, etc. etc.) to a combined party for them. There is such a clash of values among these people, I could go on and on. They hadn’t seen each other since my wedding.

It actually went amazingly well. Okay, my dad and step-mom were in the living room the whole time, and there were other segregations as well but everyone loved the food and they were glad to celebrate for the kids (1 y.o. and 3 y.o.). So my new-found advice, if you want to celebrate an event, send out the invitations and all those grown ups out there can decide for themselves if they can handle going. If not, they can take your child out for a special lunch or something to celebrate on their own (that’s what we had been doing a lot of in the past, I’d even help arrange it).
 
Miss Manners says the reply for people who decide to decline your invitation based on your guest list is, “I’m sorry you won’t be joining us. Perhaps you’ll reconsider.” No explanations, no back-pedaling, straight-forward and polite.
 
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OutinChgoburbs:
Miss Manners says the reply for people who decide to decline your invitation based on your guest list is, “I’m sorry you won’t be joining us. Perhaps you’ll reconsider.” No explanations, no back-pedaling, straight-forward and polite.
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Ah, but Miss Manners would also say that those declining ought not detail the reason they decline your kind invitation–“no explanations no backpedaling, straight-forward and polite”. An invited guest should only say “Oh, dear, I’m so sorry, but I won’t be able to attend; thank you for asking me.” (p. 427, Miss Manners’ Guide for the Turn of the Millenium)
 
Invite who you want, and let your family get used to it. Don’t set a precidence that some people are only good for some occasions and some for others. If they don’t want to come or if they want to sit in the corner and pout so be it. You do your best to be a good hostess and let the chips fall where they may. My family didn’t (and still don’t) like my mother in law. Well, too bad! I invite her and they deal with it. At least they don’t ask anymore if “She” is coming, they already know the answer and there’s no argument. I feel for you on this!
 
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