Family boundaries

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AdamP88

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Just looking for some (name removed by moderator)ut on a family situation.

I have an arrangement with my brother to drive him to college each day. I’m happy enough with that. It’s only a few km out of my way on my journey to work. We live 8 km apart.

Now I’m the only sibling with a car and sometimes I feel like it’s taken for granted that I’ll be available to drive people wherever they want to go. I don’t mind giving a ride every now and then, and I think my brother understands not to be asking too often.
However my mother tends to get very involved and become abusive if I express a desire to be left alone on a Saturday morning rather than giving a ride to someone. This upsets my wife as she obviously feels that there are some boundary issues there (I agree). My mother has the habit of kind of trying to manipulate things to make it seem like you’re unreasonable to say no. She and my wife had a big conversation about this today and I think my wife came away upset because my mother didn’t take her points on board. She doesn’t ever really see how her comments are manipulative or out of order. And she seems to think I’m making a profit if I ask for money for petrol.

I don’t want to stop giving rides to my brother/family altogether, but at the same time I want to make it clear that I’m not a taxi service and there are boundaries and it’s out of order to try to guilt trip me for saying no every now and then.

Any advice on how to deal with such a situation effectively.
 
First, your wife should not be having to deal with these conversations. This is something you need to handle yourself, and she shouldn’t have to be involved in any kind of negotiation over your time with your mother.

It’s up to you and your wife to agree on what the boundaries will be, and then up to you to communicate those to your mother and enforce them. Maybe that’s that it is okay for you to continue driving your brother, but that if anyone else needs a ride, they need to ask you at least a week in advance, and you will discuss it with your wife. Something like that that is reasonable to both of you.

Also, explain to your mother that if she continues to be manipulative and cannot respect your decisions, she will be seeing less of both you and your wife. She doesn’t need to agree that she’s out of line- and people who are boundary crossers typically won’t. But they can learn to respect boundaries if they are forced to, even if they see them as unreasonable.
 
AdamP88 said:
I don’t want to stop giving rides to my brother/family altogether, but at the same time I want to make it clear that I’m not a taxi service and there are boundaries and it’s out of order to try to guilt trip me for saying no every now and then.
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“No.” (many people don’t realize that is a complete sentence)
“Sorry, I have plans.”
“Can’t do that today.”
etc.

And as Clemintine said, you should be the one handling this.
 
So you are way ahead in resolving the issue by recognizing this is a boundary issue. It sounds like your mom is of the manipulative stripe. Therefore, there is no need for long, drawn out conversations with explanations and attempting to help her understand. Rather, you say, “Mom, you are free to ask for a ride whenever you need one. If I am able to, I will. If not, I will say “no” and that will be the end of that conversation. In the event I am able to give you a ride, I will need a contribution from you for petrol because the car doesn’t run on air.” Then you must execute, and you must be consistent. If she balks at giving you money for gas, decline her requet to take her anyplace. If she tries to manipulate, end the conversation (say goodbye and hang up the phone; put on your coat and leave).

Manipulative people generally understand consistency when it personally effects them in ways that are unpleasant for them, in my experience.

It is nice that you share your car with your family. But if you are married, it is your car and your wife’s car (assuming there are community property laws where you live). Your wife has to come first. Sounds like you are on the right track. Remember, you guys own the car. You don’t need to negotiate with mom about anything.
 
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QwertyGirl said:
It is nice that you share your car with your family. But if you are married, it is your car and your wife’s car (assuming there are community property laws where you live). Your wife has to come first.
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Yeah. I get that. And I really don’t mind obliging sometimes. Neither does my wife. It’s just that if I express any idea that I might not be up for it it’s a guilt trip. With comments about how my dad/grandad dropped me wherever I wanted to go when I was younger.

There doesn’t seem to be any recognition of the fact that I am not a dad/grandad and it’s a different family relationship.
 
I understand. Manipulative people tend to be masters at doling out guilt. Don’t receive it and it will have no place to go.

Your dad and grandad may have given you rides when you were a kid. That is what dads do. You aren’t a dad to your mother. Once you let her know that doesn’t work, don’t be surprised if her next thing is “You are supposed to help people who aren’t as fortunate as you.” It will go on forever.

Truthfully, decline her when you need to and carry on. Nobody likes for their parents to be upset with them. But you know, it passes. It won’t preclude her from asking for a ride the next time, and maybe thn you will be able to say “yes” if it works out. She will get it, and it will be fine.

Something I find helpful is to ask myself "Would a reasonable person find this objectionable? " (your mom’s behavior). You may have to think about it a bit, but if you come up with “yes” as the answer, then you know you don’t need to fret over it too much. Just set the boundaries and then carry on. (Can you tell I have some experience with this in my own family??? 🙂)
 
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Do your parents have one or more vehicles?

I’m not understanding why you are the only one giving rides. Or is it in addition to your parents, that you are expected by the to handle overflow?
 
My parents own one car. My wife and I own one car. I had an arrangement with one sibling which I’m ok with.

I only bought a car last year though so I think they see me as the “overflow” driver maybe.

Like “Adam lives nearby, he’ll bring you to band practice/ballet etc.”
 
AdamP88 said:
so I think they see me as the “overflow” driver maybe.

Like “Adam lives nearby, he’ll bring you to band practice/ballet etc.”
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You are going to have to have a talk with both parents and simply tell them that you and you wife share a car and that is the primary use of the car. You are not the overflow driver for their household, you are the primary driver for your own household. Tell them they should make their arrangements without depending on you. When you are available you will offer. If they ask and you are not available you will decline, and if they try to guilt or manipulate then there will be no more rides at all for anyone until they can respect your boundaries.

“Mom and Dad, I understand that you view me as your secondary driver for your children, but I need to be clear that this is not how I view the situation. I’m no longer a member of your household, I’ve got my own household and responsibilities that I need to take care of. Any driving I do for my siblings is a favor, when it’s not inconvenient for me. We need to be on the same page here or I won’t be able to do any driving at all in the future.”
 
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Sit down for a family meeting. Discuss the cost of operating a vehicle

In the US if one is making an average car payment, full coverage insurance, repairs, maintenance, gas/petrol, taxes, etc. it is around $9,000 per year just to own a car and this is based on a study from 5 years ago! The cost of owning your car? $9,000 a year

Then, figure out what public transportation is available, Uuber, and the idea of your brother getting his driver’s license!

It can feel like house arrest to live without a car outside of an urban area in today’s world, but, no one wants to feel like an unpaid taxi driver!
 
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I don’t know if a “family meeting” is the solution. I think I just need to say no to dropping people and not engage with my mom. She has this idea that being a Christian means being prepared to oblige no matter. She does it with events too. If there’s a conference or event that she believes it’s appropriate to go to then she will try to guilt you into going. “Any good catholic should be at this event.” Usually I just ignore it or make a comment like “I must be on the road to hell so” and laugh it off. But it upsets my wife very much.
 
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