Family drama over ride-share

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AdamP88

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A while ago I posted about a bit of drama that was going on in my family and it seems to have flared up again.

So I had an arrangement with my sisters to bring them to their university in the morning when I was going to work. This went on all last year and the year before. My wife was getting upset with this arrangement and felt that I was prioritising my family over time with her. Just for some perspective she often works 12 hour shifts and sometimes we might only see each other for a few minutes a day before bed.

Anyway I got a new job this year and I decided that I would end the arrangement, partially for my wife’s sake and partially because I wish to get more involved in activities in the school I teach at, as I feel this is necessary for my career. I did say to my sisters that if they were stuck any day I could drive them. (There is a bus available)

Throughout all this my wife has thought that my mother was exerting an undue influence on me and pressuring me to keep going. On the other hand my mother doesn’t seem to understand my wife’s position and has accused us of being unchristian because we won’t “help out”.

The bottom line is that while I do enjoy the company of my sisters, I do have to get up a good bit earlier to facilitate them and I also never really intended this arrangement to go on indefinitely.

As it stands there is a bit of tension now between us and my parents. My wife kind of added to it with a few comments she made, but my mother doesn’t really help with her somewhat entitled attitude and she also tends to drag other issues up when having any kind of discussion/argument.

My wife feels like she’s not really liked anymore by my parents and I am just getting fed up with the whole situation. I just want to restore a pleasant atmosphere between us and not have this as an ongoing issue. Any recommendations or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
 
Oversharing leads to hurt feelings.

“I cannot take my sisters to school in the mornings because my wife wants to spend more time with me”

VS

“As of next Thursday I will be unable to take my sisters to school in the mornings”
“But, WHY?”
“This leaves you time to refresh yourselves about the bus schedules.”
“But WHY”
“I’ll see you for Sunday dinner next week, good bye!”

We are not obligated to divulge every detail of our decisions. No is a full sentence.
 
At some point, you decided to divulge the details.

You cannot unring that bell, just, in the future let your “No” mean “no”.
AdamP88 said:
she also tends to drag other issues up when having any kind of discussion/argument.
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It takes two people to argue. You simply either end the call or leave the location when an argument begins. It will take awhile for boundaries to be established.
 
Then I would not confirm or deny. You simply have decided to change the arrangement.

Be kind, be loving, refuse to engage in talk or debate about transportation.
 
First, realize a lot of people have this sort of trouble in their families.

But, time to man-up. You are a grown man with a wife, a responsible job, your own household, car, etc.

“I know I have been giving you rides, but my life has been getting more complicated and I am going to take a hiatus from our previous arrangement for a while. I guess that means you will need to take the bus. Of course, if there is an emergency of some sort you know you can always call on me and I will do my best to be supportive. I really love you guys, but I have to keep my life in order.”

Who can argue with that? Well I know you will say your family can. But @thelittlelady has it right. It takes two to discuss the situation further. Make sure you aren’t one of the people involved in that discussion.

You may have a private conversation with your mother to let her know her reaction to these kinds of life-decisions are hurtful. I wouldn’t necessarily say they are hurtful to your wife. I would just say they are hurtful.

Your family (you and your wife) must come before your family of origin.
 
I don’t know why this is even an issue at all. It would seem several people are trying to control your life. How come you can’t just say “this is the way it is” and let it lie? Are you often caught in the middle of drama. Not a lot of guys I know would have this be more than a five minute problem.
 
I’m working through this same type of situation with my family right now (elderly mother and siblings who are 62 - 58. Add to it that two have hearing problems so many things are repeated and shared incorrectly. My latest tactic is to not share details (such as attending Mass, Bible Study, etc.) It is all about boundaries.
 
You have (or had) tge excuse of changing jobs. Just use that as an excuse. Don’t bring up your wife’s involvement in this situation. If they do, withdraw from the discussion. Don’t allow arguments to get out of hand.

And, where did your sisters get the idea that you were available to drive, every day? Just make yourself less and less available. It was very kind of you to think of them…but you have new responsibilities. And, you have a wife. It’s your job to keep her from being dragged into this! I’ve seen marriages end…on less important issues. Don’t let it happen to you!
 
Just to clarify. I’m not looking for advice on how to tell my family that I’m not giving rides anymore. That’s all done now. I’m looking for some advice on how to defuse the tension and get back to normal after my family have blown it out of all proportion.
 
AdamP88 said:
but my mother doesn’t really help with her somewhat entitled attitude and she also tends to drag other issues up when having any kind of discussion/argument.
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… ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Mt 19:3-9
http://www.catholicapologetics.org/ap060700.htm

You’re now required to be the head of your family.
In time your paternal family should understand and begin to let go.
 
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My recommendation is to just go on with your life until everyone gets over it. You cant help the situation get better at all by saying or doing anything.

You already helped for a whole year. That is a lot of help. If people are upset, even if it’s your Mom or sisters, let them be upset. You cant please everyone. Wife is priority now. The rest should get over it in time.
 
Retsel said:
… ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Mt 19:3-9
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Yep. I agree. But it’s hard to break down my mother’s attitude. She seems to think that it’s the norm to go above and beyond for your original family, even after marriage.

In fact, my sister’s boyfriend happens to be my best friend and he has commented that he worries about the expectations that my mother will put on them if he marries my sister. I get that family should help each other but there’s a limit. I’m just trying to navigate this as best I can.
My wife has pointed out that my mother possibly is being a little manipulative in this situation as she tends to compare me to my grandfather, who was always available to give rides to whoever needed it. She doesn’t seem to get the difference between my situation and his. (He was a widower with no other real responsibilities other than going to mass in the morning and helping out his Grandkids.
This whole situation is getting me down as I really don’t want to have this ongoing tension. But there doesn’t really seem to be anything that can convince them I’m not being selfish.
 
I think the kindest thing to do would be to assist them (mom and sisters) in the process of getting their own vehicle. I wouldn’t recommend giving them money, though.

If they have their own car, then they can be independent. Typically, dependence is what leads people to behave like your mother…guilting others as a way of trying to get them to serve her needs.

Evaluate the situation and figure out how you can help build a more independent life for your mother. As for your sisters, I would have no patience for their dependency. It is 2019 and they should be encouraged to build independent lives for themselves. One way you do this is by not allowing them to depend on you for their basic needs (that includes transportation).
 
AdamP88 said:
This whole situation is getting me down as I really don’t want to have this ongoing tension. But there doesn’t really seem to be anything that can convince them I’m not being selfish.
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The tension may very well be something you will need to swallow and deal with. I don’t mean to sound discouraging, but the fact of the matter is that people will think whatever they want to think no matter how much proof they have that their thoughts are not true. The solution to your problem may not be convincing your mother/family that you’re not selfish but rather finding a way for you yourself to accept that it’s not going to change, and to find a way to deal with the tension without letting it get you down.
 
AdamP88 said:
I really don’t want to have this ongoing tension.
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Who would?

Being Christian is no guarantee to earthly happiness, a fact ten of millions of Christian martyrs could attest to, if only they could cross back to this realm.

Be thankful that this may be your only trial in life.

Btw,
Most likely, your paternal family are emotional abusers. Study that.
 
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AdamP88 said:
(There is a bus available)
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Adam, you’ve already gone above and beyond the call of duty.

I think it’s kind of terrible that your mom doesn’t appreciate how much you’ve already done for your sisters.

I also think that you can do a real favor to your sister and her boyfriend by demonstrating good boundaries with your mom.
 
Adam, am I remembering correctly that your mom was squeezing you for rent just before your wedding, when you were financially stressed?

Your relationship with your mom is sometimes pretty one-sided, in terms of who needs to go out of their way for whom.
 
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