Family Funeral Drama

[whichwaytogo47]

I may have given my mom some bad advice. My uncle (her brother) had died. My grandma @ 102 is still alive and still got her mental faculties (praise God). The spouse included her two siblings on the funeral arrangements but my mom (3rd sibling) and grandma for whatever reason was not apart of it. Because my mom was not a part of the discussions, my mom felt free to invite 10 of her cousins since there will be at least 250 people at the reception. It appears that my mom was an accidental party crasher.

How should I approach this with my mom? She invited these 10 people at her mom’s request (grandma’s nieces and nephews) and when those 10 people asked if they could bring people, my mom said NO because she realized that these 10 people may have been uninvited guests. My mom was only trying to honor the request of her mom (it was her son that had died).

Thanks for understanding and any help. I am not sure if the spouse is an atheist / agnostic and if that changes her worldview. I also don’t know how to advise my mom since I don’t think it was wise for my mom to step on the spouse’s boundaries even though there wasn’t good communication and I don’t think it was appropriate for the spouse to not include all the siblings or parent on the arrangements.

Because my dad was going onto Medicaid, we prepaid for his funeral service back in May. I’m hoping we gave him what he wanted (cremation) - he has dementia. There will be a 2 hour wake at the funeral home prior to going to the cemetery. My dad was a fall-away Catholic as is much of my family. I don’t know how much that impacted how everyone behaved, including my mom and my self-righteousness.

 

[SteelArchangel]

Not for nothing, but this sounds very minor.

My wife’s grandmother passed last summer and due to family fighting between her three daughters (my mother in law), they had actual restraining orders against the two good daughters. When grandmother finally passed, they were never told until someone randomly saw my mother in law inside a supermarket and told her she was sorry to learn her mother passed.

My mother in law and her other sister flat out refused to even attend their own mother’s funeral due to all the problems the eldest (bad sister) caused. Fighting was so bad, nobody even noticed that they failed to purchase a headstone for grandmother’s grave even six months after she was buried! Imagine the shock my wife and I have going to visit her grave to place flowers at Christmas and there’s nothing there.

Bottom line, it sounds like your situation will work itself out.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I find this whole situation confusing. Not sure where in the world you are, but where I have lived, funerals are not like weddings where you can only have X number of people and they all eat a meal and the person putting on the ceremony is expected to pay for it. Funerals are religious or memorial services where the number of attendees is only limited by how much space there is at the church or the funeral home holding the services. If there’s room in the church, total strangers are welcome to show up and pray.

If there is some space limitation (for example, if you’re Kobe Bryant and everybody wants to come to your funeral), or if the family wants things more private for some reason (because they are grieving), then there’s usually some small service just for immediate family, which would include your mom (deceased’s sister), her mom (deceased’s mother), and probably the cousins also. And then there is a bigger memorial service or wake held elsewhere that’s big enough to include everybody else who wants to attend.

If people want to have a meal or something after a funeral then the typical way we do it here in USA is everybody goes to a restaurant and plans on paying for their own food, unless someone else like the deceased’s spouse wishes to pick up the tab for everybody, which happens sometimes (like when insurance payout is big enough to cover it) but is not an expectation or requirement.

I don’t see anything wrong in your mom and her mom wanting to show up at your uncle’s funeral and bring the cousins. The spouse in my opinion would be horribly crass to turn them away. They are family.

 

[1ke]

I’m confused. Funerals don’t have invitations and receptions that I know of.

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t think it was appropriate for the spouse to not include all the siblings or parent on the arrangements.

If I were to die tomorrow, my husband makes the arrangements. Not my sister. Not my niece. If my mom was alive and needed some kind of permission to invite someone (though I don’t understand why this would be) she would mention it to my husband herself.

If you are referring to some kind of post-funeral meal, the spouse, who presumably is paying for it, decides. People should not take it upon themselves to invite who they want without clearing it with the spouse in this case.

 

[whichwaytogo47]

I’m confused. Funerals don’t have invitations and receptions that I know of.

There’s no funeral. To my knowledge, the deceased and the spouse were not practicing Christians, though my uncle was born and raised Catholic. It’s just a reception (no funeral or memorial service).

Not for nothing, but this sounds very minor.

It definitely is and they will heal over it. Just a little drama and people grieving. Me, my mom, and grandma will just have to work hard not to take this personally.

If you are referring to some kind of post-funeral meal, the spouse, who presumably is paying for it, decides. People should not take it upon themselves to invite who they want without clearing it with the spouse in this case.

Agreed, that was my mom (and grandma’s) misstep. And unfortunately, I may have carelessly encouraged it.

 

[Irishmom2]

In that case, it is no big deal. Have a mass said at your church, bring your mom and anyone else you know that wants to pay their respects. Go out to eat afterward and it will be lovely.

 

[whichwaytogo47]

In that case, it is no big deal. Have a mass said at your church, bring your mom and anyone else you know that wants to pay their respects. Go out to eat afterward and it will be lovely.

Already done for Feb 21st! I arranged the mass before my uncle died knowing he was very sick. Though I live in another state so unfortunately, I’ll be attending alone.

I don’t think my mom and grandma realized they needed permission to invite their 10 cousins in which the vast majority has already passed away. If she needs to apologize, I’ll help her do so.

That reminds me. My wife’s grandma died in 2014. Now that I think of it, I don’t think a mass was said for her. I am happy that on reflection, I realized the need to have a mass said. Thanks so much!

 

[Mary888]

This post has been edited. OP do as your conscience tells you.
PS And also you heart.

 

[whichwaytogo47]

I don’t know… your mom is the sister and her mom is the mother. This is family according to God’s plan. Siblings should be allowed in.
It was very mean for the wife of your mom’s brother to take her sister in law out. Who knows why…
I have a brother. If anyone including a possible wife would ever intervene between us as family (born not chosen) and him in a final situation such as you describe, they would pretty much know have a glimpse of hell here on earth. I think your mom’s vengeance is justified and if I were you I would hug her and be on her side and lateron laugh at the annoyed face of the vixen who was so divisive and she didn’t even pay for her husband funeral. This is your mom while the b**** is a stranger, and yes she is being one.

To be fair, there’s only so much I know from 400 miles away.

The spouse had every right to make the arrangements and to decide whom would help her with it, but it certainly would have been nice to have my mom and grandma included. That said, I don’t know if she was excluded or if what they were talking about didn’t match my mom’s and grandma’s religious beliefs. I only have my mom’s version of the story - maybe she walked away from the discussion.

That said, my mom’s brother is still a practicing Catholic so I don’t know why he was included and why she wasn’t. Maybe he kept his yap shut or something

I want to be careful what I post to be honoring or otherwise I’ll have to go to confession. I think I have a level of innocence that makes me naive to these kinda things.

 

[Irishmom2]

This is your mom while the b**** is a stranger, and yes she is being one.

Really? Are you always this dramatic?

 

[whichwaytogo47]

Really? Are you always this dramatic?

I think her heart’s in the right place, though I disagree with the intensity.

I tend to be quite intense at times so I understand the feeling. With my ADHD, I am intense. With my NVLD, I can be quite naive and have had to learn about boundaries and social situations one by one.

That said, I do my best to try to advise my mom and she does the best for me too.

 

[BenjaminM]

Funerals are like giving gifts to people already in heaven or hell the flowers, coffin , the traveling it’s about giving your money away to charity that’s the point, there’s no need for a funeral or to visit graves god is all around us if any realtives are upset go around house not congregation

 

[Irishmom2]

Ok, well that might be okay for you, but that is not what Catholics believe, so, you should respect their beliefs on a Catholic site…

 

[BenjaminM]

I haven’t committed sin there’s nothing in the Bible about being cremated or having a grave, cremation seems like a cheaper more humble option

 

[Irishmom2]

Whoa, no one said anything about sin. But this is a Catholic site, so don’t expect many people to agree with your opinion.

 

[Mary888]

Really? Are you always this dramatic?

Woody Allen said life is a tragedy up close and a comedy from a distance. So I guess I am always looking up close. Probably because I can’t see to well. Or I hate the distance. Or I hate the idea that distance means anything.
O
But how does God sees it? Up.close or from a distance?

 

[Mary888]

Thank you for keeping my original post. The moderators did not like the last part and is all or nothing for me so I changed it all.
You and your mom have a good relationship and hurting her feelings now so you can be politically correct will backlash later. Just be with her and for her. Older people don’t change.