Family Hatred

[jdeanda30]

I am very concerned for my sister. She and my brother in law are currently in the deaconate program. We both got into an arguement regarding my dads sister and his sisters daughter. She has verbally stated that she hates both of them and refuses to associate with them. I spoke to her and told her she needs to forgive them and pray for them. She says that she is not capable of doing that. She now feels like I am not supportive of their vocation. She also implied that I was jealous of her and her husband. I don’t agree with the way she is acting. She is enraged at me and is currently not speaking to me. My brother in law is not helping the situation either he see’s nothing wrong in the way she is acting. I am concerened that they should not even been in the deaconate program. There are going to be people out there that they are going to need to serve and are they going to refuse to help individuals that they dislike. Now my mother has sided with them. I feel like the bad person for trying to follow what the Lord teaches. She has so much hatred in her heart. My aunt suffers from severe depression and at times does not talk to people. Her daughter is a meth addict. I have tried to explain that they both have severe conditions and at times are not in their right mind. She has no understanding or compassion for them. She feels she is justified to hate them.

 

[puzzleannie]

I am not sure how your sister could be in a diaconate program, which is for men only, unless you mean that the wives are also taking formation classes with their husbands.

try to separate your family disagreements from their vocational choice, and deal with the aspect of the family problem that is within your legitimate interest, and do what you can to aid reconciliation. Accusations and recriminations will probably not facilitate that goal, neither will criticizing any of the parties involved on aspects of their lives that do not pertain to the original dispute.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Just a thought – while yes forgiveness is what we are called to do as Christians – having someone else tell us who and when and how to forgive simply doesn’t work. She’s probably pretty angry that you judged her faith, and this is an assumption but you stated you got into a big argument over it. Which to me implies you were telling your bro and SIL what to do and how to behave as Christians, much less humans.

You did not give much history on the situation. For instance did the meth addict rip off your Bro and SIL? Did the mother behave in a bad way that caused trouble or pain? Obviously they have a reason to be angry and say “enough” to these family members. People usually don’t act diligent in tolerance without reason.

I haven’t spoke to my mother in over two years. I have forgiven her for the most part, yet I still have some residual anger. She put me and my children in dangerous and rediculously dramatic situations. While forgiveness is in my heart, I am not STUPID enough to expose myself or my children to her drama. My grandmother is currently on a one-woman mission to try to let my mother back in my life. She has called me heartless, unforgiving, a bad Christian, etc. That hurts. I know it’s manipulation but it hurts still. Am I OK with this as far as God’s plan? Sure I am, I have spoke to my priest about it, and he gave me very good council. When recent developments happened I brought it here to my friends at CAF and they also gave me good council, along the same lines. So no, no mom in my life, not unless she get some serious help, and that won’t be for a while.

Ask yourself what your motive is. Is it control? You cannot, under any circumstance force someone’s feelings. You can’t control who and what forgives. It seems you are asking if you should say something about them in the deocean program. My answer is no. They have their reasons, try listening to them instead of just calling them “haters.” Even if their reason’s seem unreasonable to YOU, they are theirs and they need time and forgiveness to come at their own pace. And yes, your brother should be on his wife’s side, it’s his WIFE.

God Bless, and my prayers that YOU find peace in the situation. I really do pray you can find peace in this, and I would probably try and give more help to the aunt and the cousin instead of worrying about what your brother and SIL feel.

Good luck!

 

[jdeanda30]

On Christmas Eve we had a family gathering. My grandmother is very ill and is 83 years old. My cousin who is a meth addict came into my grandmothers house. As soon as my sister saw her she ran to her husband and they decided to leave before anyone got to eat or open there gifts. The disturbing part to this is they brought my parents over with them. So they forced my parents to leave as well. My 8 year old daughter was devistated that they left because she was wanting to give them there gifts and celebrate Christmas with them. My cousin left 10 minutes after they rushed off. I have had to explain to her my daughter why her family was not there. My cousin has not done anything to them directly. She has abandoned her children and the drug has taken over her. As for my aunt they don’t think she is doing a good enough job to take care of my grandmother. Although they have not volunteered to take on caring for her. My aunt lives with her and does the best she can to care for my grandmother and her grandson who her daughter had abandoned. She is a 24 hour 7 day a week care given that has been battling depression for over 16 years. My mother has since had an anxiety attack because of what occurred in Christmas and has just been released from the hospital. She felt very bad about leaving my grandmothers and ended up with a heart rate of over 155. Also this was the first Christmas for my mother without her brother who passed away in June to whom she was really close to. I just don’t think her actions were carefully thought through because this affected the entire family including my mom. My sister also threatened to kill herself yesterday because she can’t make everyone happy. I didn’t know how to take that. I honestly have not spent one hour alone with my sister since she got engaged. She has been married for over 4 years. She does not go anywhere with out her husband. He is very controlling and jealous of her. I honestly think that she is not happy in her marriage and is just going through the motions to make her husband happy. I have learned not to judge anyone. I have two young daughters and they can break my heart one day. One of my daughters is adopted and came from a crack addicted mom. She has the potential to become an abuser herself.

 

[duskyjewel]

Seems to me you have especially good reasons to keep your children away from drug addicts… why aren’t you?

Your sister & her husband may strongly disagree with the fact that the family does not hold the drug addict accountable, but treats that person like nothing ever happened and alllows them to come to family gatherings when no reparative effort has been made. Instead of creating a scene and fighting about it, they left. Bravo to them. BTW, they did not force your parents to leave. NO ONE ELSE could have given them a ride if they had stayed? Please. Your parents made the choice to leave with your sister.

Drug addicts are notorious liars and users of people. You do not know that this person hasn’t done anything to your sister. And even if she hasn’t, perhaps your sister cannot stand to be around watching the evil the addict does to others. Witnessing evil and doing nothing about it is evil too, and perhaps your sister is tired of the grief she gets from the family when she stands against this person’s evil? Whatever her reasons, she may just not be ready or able to forgive yet. Getting on a high horse and telling her that you are upholding God’s will and she’s not is REALLY unhelpful, as well as spiteful. Never mind… how do you know her heart? She may be struggling and praying every day for the ability to forgive, but just has not found it yet. Plus, you cannot forgive a person who has not ASKED for forgiveness. Has the addict asked forgiveness of the family? Has she tried to repair her life? Or does the family just let her run roughshod over them and ignore it all, pretending everything is OK?

Anyone who allows an active addict to be too close to their lives is foolish. It’s an open invitation to theft, being lied to, and run-ins with very dangerous people. God doesn’t call any of us to be stupid. When a person reaches out and asks for help, we are required to be there and give it. If they just want to use and abuse, we are not required to be there and take it.

I tend to side with your sister, except about the suicide threat. That is fairly childish and manipulative. But where did she learn that mode of interaction? P.S. If you believe she is really serious about that, she should be committed. All you have to do is call police or mental health authorities and tell them she made that threat, and they can take her in for 72 hour observation, as far as I know.

BTW, I think you are making some fairly rash assumptions about your BIL’s vocation and his marriage to your sister. You don’t agree with they way they live, so she MUST be unhappy and controlled, and he MUST be unfit for the diaconate? Slow down.

 

[rpp]

jdeanda30,

I am very sorry about this problem. Family issues can get in the way and often they can be rather unhealthy. Few people can hurt us like our siblings, parents or children can.

I pray that you and your sister can work this out.

I would add that this is an excellent example of why Holy Orders and Holy Matrimony do not mix well.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Well, you asked, so I’ll say that puzzleannie, KCtheMommy and Duskyjewel certainly have given you good advice and excellent perspective. Whether or not you take that advice is enitrely up to you.

I urge you not to make more claims against your sister and BIL at this point. I especially urge you NOT to contact the diocese and try to have your BIL removed from the diaconate program. They have interviewed at length before he could start the program. He receives, I am positive, spiritual direction. You will only cause more family discordance, as well as probably bringing a lot of people to his defense about his in-laws.

I have more relatives with problems than most people. I currently avoid a family meth addict, an unrecovering alcoholic, 2 somebodies with control and rage issues, and one with BPD. Why? Discretion is the better part of valor.