Family insists on running all news through my mother

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Not sure if I need advice or just frustrated.

I know my grandmother is old and not in the best of health. And she’s never been good at telling anyone anything. But for some reason, all the family news gets run through my parents - no one really thinks about telling me things directly. And that ends up meaning my mother, because most of the time she controls dad’s phone anyway.

What bothers me especially about this is my mother has a history of using health information/health “crises” for manipulation, at least with me. So I know this is very much the sort of thing that’ll get held over my head as a way to try to make me keep up the level of contact she wants, under threat of possibly not knowing when people are sick or dying. She’ll dribble out just enough information to make it sound urgent without giving me enough to really know what’s going on. I’ve been keeping extremely low contact with her for my own sanity.

I haven’t really told the extended family much about what’s going on with my mother. I honestly doubt it would be well received. It’s just very much the sort of thing where I’m still the kid, and I don’t want to drop a giant bombshell on everyone. I don’t know what if anything she’s been telling people - most likely that I’m not talking to her and she doesn’t know why.

I don’t really know how to handle this. I never know when anything’s serious or not. I barely even read my mother’s texts, except now it’s turning out it’s the only way I’ll know anything about any of my family.
 
Does your mom use information to gossip? If so, encourage her not to bear false witness.
Start reaching out to family directly and regularly.
 
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I’m sorry your mother is still making everything difficult.

Would you be able to contact your grandmother yourself? Set up a weekly (or whatever) phone call with her, so you can talk to her directly and not need to rely on your mother? Or if your grandmother won’t talk easily to you, would it be possible for you to speak to another member of your family and ask them to let you know directly? You don’t have to explain why if you don’t want to.
 
It’s more that she uses information as a cudgel to try to keep me from having boundaries. Basically setting it up if I don’t obey her, I won’t know when family members are sick or there’s anything going on.

So for example, when I told her I wasn’t going to stay in close communication because she kept trying to drag me into her marital problems with my father, her first response was to tell me that he’d had this medical test that could totally be cancer but obviously I’d never be able to know about it if I wouldn’t call her for regular updates. And I know from experience, if I did call, she’d refuse to provide information until she was satisfied that I’d talked to her long enough and had the right attitude and all that.
 
Call your father directly. Call your grandmother directly. Tell them you love them and want to known how they are doing and to please call you directly with updates. If they don’t do that, then there’s nothing you can do but call them regularly for updates of your own.

Find one family member you trust and bring them in to your circle.

Or, find a way to be OK with not knowing. Your mother is toxic. Don’t play her games.
 
DarkLight said:
So for example, when I told her I wasn’t going to stay in close communication…
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Not being an open book with someone is not a sin.

You can listen, nod your head, say you understand then tell her you love her and leave or hangup.
 
Build direct communication with the people in your family. When/if you cannot build that bridge, simply pray for the people you love.

Put far from your mind what other family members think of you. They have the option to contact you (maybe you set up a “family only” account on social media where you check in once a week or even buy an inexpensive pre-paid cell phone that is the number they are given, this way you have complete control over when you answer it and don’t have to remove your boundaries).

If your aunt thinks you don’t care about the health of your grandmother, your aunt can contact you directly or she can remain in her errant way of thinking. Her opinion only carries the weight that you give it. It takes a special kind of humility to stop worrying about their opinion. Maybe pray the Litany of Humility over your family every day?
 
I’m not worried about it being a sin here! It’s more that she is the type to try to punish me for it. In this case by holding potentially important medical information over my head so I won’t find out unless I comply with her.

@1ke I am trying to call my grandmother more. But often I don’t get told stuff even when I do. Unfortunately I can’t with my father because of how she controls his phone - I doubt he’ll stand up to her because of the threats she makes. There’s not really any of the family I would trust to not side with her.
 
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Then you will have to tell your grandmother and your father the truth. You want to know their medical condition and have contact with them, but you are not willing to subject yourself to your mother in order to get that information. If they do not let you know themselves, then you will not know.

You’re going to have to find a way to be OK with that.
 
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I mean with my father, there is actually no way to contact him privately. My mother will just take the phone away from him or insist that she answers it for him. She won’t let him talk to me unless I talk to her first. If I try to schedule something with him she’ll invite herself along. He’s too afraid of her to do anything.

Much as I hate to say it, this is a full-blown domestic violence situation. She’s got basically total control of who he talks to, where he goes, and what he says.
 
Well if it were me, I’d go to the house and say what I had to say to him, I wouldn’t care if it was in front of her. I would basically ignore her and act like she wasn’t even there. I’ve dealt with enough crazy in my life, I’m not afraid of them anymore.

I would tell him that I will always be there for him if he ever wants out of the situation, or wants to have a relationship, and I would tell him that he has my number and he can contact me any time.

I wouldn’t hesitate reporting your mother to county social services if your father is incapacitated or elderly.
 
All I can say with my mother is - if you’re going to do that, keep your hands on your phone and keys and don’t let her get between you and the door. Unless you’re confident you can get them back from her without giving her any excuse to claim you were violent.
 
Outside of your immediate family situation, you can start forming your own relationships with relatives independently of your parents.
You can call or text them or send holiday cards just from you.
Of course, it will take time for them to see you as an independent adult and not “one or so-and-so’s kids, but that’s okay.
 
Part of the issue, now that I think about it, is this seems to be the way my family spreads news, for some reason. I get the sense there’s some sort of family taboo on directly telling people your own problems. Instead apparently the way it is done is that some or other family member “finds out” and then the news slowly filters out to everyone, while the original person protests that they’re fine and they don’t want everyone to worry about them.

Which, come to think of it, is a really terrible way of doing things. But I’m pretty sure the highest crime among the extended family is “being a bother.” I have seen this result in an elderly woman being hospitalized for septicemia because she didn’t want to bother anyone to take her to the doctor earlier. Honestly the whole thing is pants-on-head stupid.

But I think that’s part of the issue. News is just supposed to filter around through the grapevine rather than actually taking its place in any sort of sensible direct communication system. It’s not just my generation that’s subject to this either.
 
Indirect communication is a symptom of dysfunctional families (but you already know that)
 
@DarkLight

Maybe consider hiring an off-duty policewoman, whose word would be credible, to pose as your friend?

Dealing with friends who are off-the-wall is difficult. Surviving having a parent that way is soul-wrenching. You have my sympathy and prayers.
 
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