Family Problem

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RC_Sojourner

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I don’t want to be too specific. But, I have a very elderly aunt, who wants me and my mom to visit her. She insists that both of us visit her, and basically, my mom can’t, because she’s an alcoholic.

That’s a nutshell. I mean, my mom comes home from work, and within very shortly she’ll be drinking. Sometimes, she’s not able to finish cooking dinner. Anyways, I’ve been living under her roof for the past several months (I’m in my 20s, and am saving up money for college). Anyways, in those months, I can probably count the number of times my mom actually went outside the house to visit family, or do anything AND was sober.

One time we went to a restaurant, as a celebration for something, I forget. And my mom drank like a whole bottle of wine while we were there.

Anyways… I’m between a rock and a hard place.

My Aunt, is already “disappointed” that we didn’t visit her today. She insists that both me and my mom visit, not just me, which I volunteered… And, she wants my mom to call her, and she won’t.

She didn’t tonight. What is she going to say? She knows she’ll sound drunk…

And what am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? My Aunt doesn’t know how dysfunctional my mom’s life is… and it seems like ultimately, she’s either going to have to know that, OR, we’re going to disappoint her by not visiting…

Rock and a Hard Place.

Life sucks. I just can’t see a solution here…

My mom makes promises all the time, that we’ll do stuff. So, she called up my Aunt like a month ago, promising we’d visit her… Well, she never is able to carry through on these things, except this time, she has my Aunt still wanting us to visit, oblivious as to why we cannot.

… UGH
 
Go, yourself, to visit your aunt. Ten to one she knows of your Mom’s…propensities. You don’t need to discuss it outright.
 
You are living with an alcoholic and are trying to cover up for her. Have you considered Al-Anon?
 
I would see nothing wrong with telling your aunt what is really going on. I know that sounds harsh, and it feels like betrayal of your mom. I know you are hurting

Alcoholics are experts at making the rest of us jump through hoops to help them function. Your aunt deserves to know the truth. She needs to understand that your mom is not trying to hurt her and she isn’t avoiding her. She is an alcoholic. Your aunt can handle it. Explain that mom is rarely sober and if she wants a visit, it will be you.

It isn’t until we stop hiding ugly truths that we stop being co-dependent. You aren’t doing this as revenge or from anger or resentment. You are simply not protecting the alcoholic any more. Do it for you. You need some support and your mom needs help.

You are both in my prayers!
 
chefmomster2 said:
I would see nothing wrong with telling your aunt what is really going on. I know that sounds harsh, and it feels like betrayal of your mom. I know you are hurting

Alcoholics are experts at making the rest of us jump through hoops to help them function. Your aunt deserves to know the truth. She needs to understand that your mom is not trying to hurt her and she isn’t avoiding her. She is an alcoholic. Your aunt can handle it. Explain that mom is rarely sober and if she wants a visit, it will be you.

It isn’t until we stop hiding ugly truths that we stop being co-dependent. You aren’t doing this as revenge or from anger or resentment. You are simply not protecting the alcoholic any more. Do it for you. You need some support and your mom needs help.
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Idk…
  1. My Aunt is somewhere around 89 years old… so, idk if she could handle it. Also, she’s not my mom’s aunt, she’s my dad’s aunt. So, they’re not really family. “She’s not my family”, as my mom said…
  2. My mom is super paranoid. Like, whenever I text, “Are you texting about me”… and I’m just like, “Um, I have a life. No. Me and my friends don’t talk about our parents”…
But… I mean, in a Catholic sense, my mom has asked me to not tell anyone. So, if I do: not honoring your parents, and if I lie, well, that’s lying. And if I don’t do anything, then… my aunt is disappointed.

I’ll talk to her tomorrow. But, I just talked to her today, and we went through this whole thing… She prepared for me and my mom to come… etc, etc.

Just pray that this resolves itself, and soon. Its ridiculous.
 
ClearWater said:
👍

al-anon.alateen.org/
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She already did Alcoholics Anonymous and relapsed.

She did it, bc her drinking caused her to break her arm, from falling down the steps. Then she did it. [Because she was no longer able to go to work].

Now, she’s a “functioning alcoholic”. She literally has a perfect attendance at work.

And she’ll always say, “Well, I only drink a little on the weekends bc of my job”… but no. She drinks every day. And its always, “You don’t know how hard I work, I work so hard”… therefore, she deserves to drink…

… so… Sorry. I ranted. But there’s nothing I can do. She doesn’t want to go. And the only thing that’ll make her go is probably another health-related thing directly related to her drinking…
 
chefmomster2 said:
I would see nothing wrong with telling your aunt what is really going on. I know that sounds harsh, and it feels like betrayal of your mom. I know you are hurting

Alcoholics are experts at making the rest of us jump through hoops to help them function. Your aunt deserves to know the truth. She needs to understand that your mom is not trying to hurt her and she isn’t avoiding her. She is an alcoholic. Your aunt can handle it. Explain that mom is rarely sober and if she wants a visit, it will be you.

It isn’t until we stop hiding ugly truths that we stop being co-dependent. You aren’t doing this as revenge or from anger or resentment. You are simply not protecting the alcoholic any more. Do it for you. You need some support and your mom needs help.

You are both in my prayers!
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Well stated.
Praying for you & your Mom. You also need to look into the resources available for the both of you. This situation is not going to resolve without proper intervention.
 
I’m a little confused about something here. Your dads aunt is 89 yrs old and you don’t think she can handle this? How long have your mom and aunt known each other? I’m gonna guess your aunt already knows or at least suspects. If mom won’t go then you go alone and let the chips fall where they may. And as others have said, YOU need to go to Alanon to learn how to cope with mom.
 
RC_Sojourner said:
Idk…
  1. My Aunt is somewhere around 89 years old… so, idk if she could handle it. Also, she’s not my mom’s aunt, she’s my dad’s aunt. So, they’re not really family. “She’s not my family”, as my mom said…
  2. My mom is super paranoid. Like, whenever I text, “Are you texting about me”… and I’m just like, “Um, I have a life. No. Me and my friends don’t talk about our parents”…
But… I mean, in a Catholic sense, my mom has asked me to not tell anyone. So, if I do: not honoring your parents, and if I lie, well, that’s lying. And if I don’t do anything, then… my aunt is disappointed.

I’ll talk to her tomorrow. But, I just talked to her today, and we went through this whole thing… She prepared for me and my mom to come… etc, etc.

Just pray that this resolves itself, and soon. Its ridiculous.
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You are all in my prayers!

Another idea, then. If your aunt calls, tell her that you will come, but you can’t answer for your Mom. Let your mom know that you will not cover for her anymore. If your aunt calls, tell her to talk to your mom. Refuse to lie to your aunt.

Tell your mom that you will not keep her secret anymore. You will not go out of your way to tell, but you will be truthful to everyone.

I know that 89 sounds fragile and ancient as the sea, but your aunt has seen a LOT in 89 years. She won’t collapse. She has been strong enough to make it this far.

Try Al-Anon.

Again, my prayers are with you.
 
RC_Sojourner said:
She already did Alcoholics Anonymous and relapsed.

She did it, bc her drinking caused her to break her arm, from falling down the steps. Then she did it. [Because she was no longer able to go to work].

Now, she’s a “functioning alcoholic”. She literally has a perfect attendance at work.

And she’ll always say, “Well, I only drink a little on the weekends bc of my job”… but no. She drinks every day. And its always, “You don’t know how hard I work, I work so hard”… therefore, she deserves to drink…

… so… Sorry. I ranted. But there’s nothing I can do. She doesn’t want to go. And the only thing that’ll make her go is probably another health-related thing directly related to her drinking…
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Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics; Ala-Teen is the same, for teens. You can’t make your mother go to AA (alcoholics Anonymous), but you yourself would to the Al-Anon, where you would meet others who share a similar situation.
 
RC_Sojourner said:
She already did Alcoholics Anonymous and relapsed.

She did it, bc her drinking caused her to break her arm, from falling down the steps. Then she did it. [Because she was no longer able to go to work].

Now, she’s a “functioning alcoholic”. She literally has a perfect attendance at work.

And she’ll always say, “Well, I only drink a little on the weekends bc of my job”… but no. She drinks every day. And its always, “You don’t know how hard I work, I work so hard”… therefore, she deserves to drink…

… so… Sorry. I ranted. But there’s nothing I can do. She doesn’t want to go. And the only thing that’ll make her go is probably another health-related thing directly related to her drinking…
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There’s Alcoholic’s Anonymous, AA, which is for the alcoholics.

Then, there’s Alanon, which is for people who have a family member, or friend, who is an alcoholic. It is a support for them. Alanon is for people like yourself who have a relative who is a problem drinker who is affecting your life. You will need support in order to deal with her. Don’t try to do this alone. Get some help.

If you had a way to get counseling, for yourself, that’d be good, too. Well, have you been on the forum much? We have people writing in all the time about how alcoholics have ruined their lives.

Many of them are codependent, to some degree, allow it to happen, don’t do anything to stop it from happening. It’s not your fault.

People who live with alcoholics can become “codependent”.

Codependency isn’t a good thing, though.

Well, alcoholics often get people around them to jump through all these hoops, manipulate them to cover up for them, lie, keep secrets, do all kinds of things.

Can you go to a meeting? If you think you absolutely can’t find a way, can you at least call them up, talk to someone, explain your situation as you’re explaining it to us, here?

al-anon.alateen.org/

Ah yeah, in AA, they have heard all that before. That’s called “poor me”. “Poor me” turns into “…pour me…” (…a drink!) Well, it’s self pity, using that as an excuse to drink, get drunk. Don’t buy into that.

Also, people are stronger than you think. Insofar as possible, try to tell the truth, keep fewer secrets.

Insofar as honoring parents, I don’t think that includes being expected to lie, or cover up for an alcoholic parent, say. I think that’d be a misinterpretation of the 10 commandments.
By covering up for her drinking all the time, you are not doing her any favors.

If you were to go to an Alanon meeting, I think you’d find your story wasn’t unique, that you weren’t at all alone.
 
Mr_Clean said:
I’m a little confused about something here. Your dads aunt is 89 yrs old and you don’t think she can handle this? How long have your mom and aunt known each other? I’m gonna guess your aunt already knows or at least suspects. If mom won’t go then you go alone and let the chips fall where they may. And as others have said, YOU need to go to Alanon to learn how to cope with mom.
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My parents have been divroced for over a decade. So, no. My aunt definitely doesn’t know that my mom drinks. Clear up your confusion? UGH.
 
If it were me…I would visit Aunt on my own, if you want to see her. If she asks where Mom is tell her the truth. It’s not your job to concoct cover stories under the appearance of “honoring your mother.” You are not dishonoring her by being honest with your aunt when asked why she isn’t there. Your aunt is family, too.

I would go to Alanon meetings.

I would get my savings in order asap so I could move out and stay at college.
 
ClearWater said:
There’s Alcoholic’s Anonymous, AA, which is for the alcoholics.

Then, there’s Alanon, which is for people who have a family member, or friend, who is an alcoholic. It is a support for them. Alanon is for people like yourself who have a relative who is a problem drinker who is affecting your life. You will need support in order to deal with her. Don’t try to do this alone. Get some help.

If you had a way to get counseling, for yourself, that’d be good, too. Well, have you been on the forum much? We have people writing in all the time about how alcoholics have ruined their lives.

Many of them are codependent, to some degree, allow it to happen, don’t do anything to stop it from happening. It’s not your fault.

People who live with alcoholics can become “codependent”.

Codependency isn’t a good thing, though.

Well, alcoholics often get people around them to jump through all these hoops, manipulate them to cover up for them, lie, keep secrets, do all kinds of things.

Can you go to a meeting? If you think you absolutely can’t find a way, can you at least call them up, talk to someone, explain your situation as you’re explaining it to us, here?

al-anon.alateen.org/

Ah yeah, in AA, they have heard all that before. That’s called “poor me”. “Poor me” turns into “…pour me…” (…a drink!) Well, it’s self pity, using that as an excuse to drink, get drunk. Don’t buy into that.

Also, people are stronger than you think. Insofar as possible, try to tell the truth, keep fewer secrets.

Insofar as honoring parents, I don’t think that includes being expected to lie, or cover up for an alcoholic parent, say. I think that’d be a misinterpretation of the 10 commandments.
By covering up for her drinking all the time, you are not doing her any favors.

If you were to go to an Alanon meeting, I think you’d find your story wasn’t unique, that you weren’t at all alone.
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I’m leaving to go back to college over the summer. So… that’s in about 2 weeks time. So, I could go to Al-Anon there.

I mean, then I won’t be living with her, so would I really need to? Idk, I mean, like I said, I’m 22 years old. And living with my mom has not been easy. But, I’m basically done now. I made it through… I’ve literally been counting down the days for over a month.

Idk, I didn’t think I’d talk about me very much in this thread…

I’m sure I’ll talk about this with my spiritual director once I leave.

So yeah, I appreciate your concern, but, I don’t think I’m suffering any psychological damage myself. I mean, my mom’s life is terrible, but that doesn’t mean mine is a wreck as well…

What problem would going to Al Anon solve? Like I said, I’m under this roof for two more weeks, then I’m gone…
 
That’s great that you are leaving for college soon. You sound like a very level-headed person.

You don’t have to commit to going to Alanon for years…but a few meetings might be helpful to you. As you can see if you read other posts on the forums…parents with problems don’t stop causing grief in their adult children’s lives!

Best wishes to you, OP and a prayer going out for you.
 
I agree, you’re gonna have to deal with mom a long time yet (hopefully). You have your life right now and you’re young so you may not see it but its probably leaving its mark on you. My mom is a child of an alcoholic and she did not realize how it impacted her until much later. She is in her 70’s now and still has scars from it and my Grandpa has been gone since 1985.

Take care of yourself. God bless.
 
Speaking to your SD is probably the best idea, but the advantage of going to al-Anon is that in dealing with alcoholics of addicts (or other psychologically odd people) one develops reactve habits which can carry over into one’s other relationships. Since the habits seem very normal to one, one doesn’t see that the habits are actually somewhat messed up. Al-Anon helps clarify these issues and helps with determing better habits.
 
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