Family seems to be getting worse...advice?

[faith33]

I am the oldest of 5. God has blessed our family in many ways and I love my family but lately our family life hasn’t been the best. My dad has been working 7 days a week b/c of a big project at work and this might last for 3 more months. My mom works everyday also.
The money is nice but at this point I’m not sure if it’s worth it. We rarely have dinner together…maybe twice a week but last week we didn’t once have dinner together. A lot of times we will just make our own dinner, including my ten year old sister. Every once in a while my sister and I will try to fix something for dinner for everyone but then after a while we just get upset and dissapointed with my mom for not doing her job and usually argue with her about this. Overall, us girls do a lot around our house. Lets just say we could all pretty much be prepared to live on our own which sometimes feels that we already are. We mow the grass, take care of the yard, do our own laundry, go grocery shopping,…etc and we all watch our brother a lot more than we should. (I understand it’s good to help out, but I think we are doing it way too much than we should.) My sister(2nd oldest) and I have been fighting a lot with my mom about how she seems to be too focused on her job more than her family. My dad also realizes this but hasn’t brought anything up to my mom?? Whenever we bring this up to her she becomes really upset and doesn’t want to listen. She makes us feel guilty by saying that we think she is a bad mom. The tricky part is (which is sort of ironic) is that my mom works at our parish church office as an adminstrator. She also is in the healing ministry which is just a ministry at our parish that prays over people who are seeking healing. This makes it even more hard to convince her that having her mind too much at work is a bad thing b/c she is not only helping people but works at a church. I think it’s great what she does and she is really good at it. She knows and I know that God comes first then family but I think since her work is so God related she gets caught up in the belief that her work comes first.
I may just be overreacting. I guess what bothers me is that I know we can become a much better, closer, more spiritual family than we are now. I can’t even remember the last time we prayed together as a family. I guess I just don’t get it. I don’t see how she doesn’t understand. How can she pray over people and ask God to heal them when her own family is falling apart and needs healing?? Family comes first. Family is the core or the foundation of all else and God helps us make that foundation stronger. If we can’t have peace and love in our own family then how can we go out and spread love to others? I even bought her a book called building better families by Matthew Kelly and she couldn’t even read that. I read the book! Our whole family has been negative to eachother. It’s hard to hear kind respective words in our home. It seems that we are all dissapointed in each other and are constantly putting each other down.
And I know dads are supposed to be the spiritual guider but I know my dad is having a hard time with that. When he gets home from work he just wants to relax and watch tv.
Don’t get me wrong, my parents are amazing! but I just think we need some guidance and advice. We need more involved parents.

 

[Rascalking]

Faith33,

Sometimes families have to go through difficult times in order to make them stronger. In the old testament, there was a man named King Solomon. He wanted his advisors to make him a ring that would bring him up and when he was down, and down when he was up. When he got the ring, inside of it was written-This too shall pass.

Try to remember that old advice, like what was written on the ring, is also the best advice.

If after a few months, it does get worse, then try talking to another adult-maybe a priest or a teacher. They can help you out.

We’ll keep praying for you!

 

[Cracker_Mom]

Just a thought, maybe money is more of an issue right now than you know?
Sometimes parents invest a lot of energy in their jobs & don’t have much left over when they get home.They may have financial concerns they aren’t burdening their children with.
Prayer is always important.We all need to set aside more time & put things in priority.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through… I am the eldest of 4… I too was “stuck” raising my siblings…I tried to leave the house as much as I could…I couldn’t stand hearing my mother nagging for everything that wasn’t done in the house, on a daily basis because I was stuck working since I was 11 with my parents, then school, then siblings, then house chores, after I turned 16 I was done with everything…I didn’t want to have responsibilities any more and became very rebellious! BAD CHOICE let me tell you learned the hard way! The point is that even though I didn’t have a long childhood every moment of my life I tried to keep my spirits high and enjoy whatever I had to enjoy…AND the satisfaction that came from seeing my siblings smiling and laughing made everything worth while. My youngest used to call me his mama, lol, ironically I got married, then divorced and now he doesn’t talk to me any more…We all make choices, working parents think they are doing this for the family, believe me I know but in the middle of it forget that there are kids that still need attention from them…I had to do something terrible to get my parents attention and I regret it. My father tried to make time for us, even if it was once a week, and believe me we enjoyed that time dearly! I do wish there would have been more time with him but hey it is fine because I get to spend a lot more time with my kids now…AND try to make up for what my parents didn’t do…

The best thing to do is for you to keep praying. Keep on being there for your siblings and try not to be negative around each other. Then you will end up being like me and wishing you could spend more time with them. We all live far apart, and just say a once in a while hi and bye! That’s it. We were once so close but I hated having the responsibility I took it out on them and I didn’t realize how much I needed them and how much I loved them. I was a teen and wanted to have fun too…I messed up and didn’t appreciate what I had. I now see that it was GOD telling me to spend and enjoy my family even if the parents were not there…I didn’t see it…I hope I don’t make the same mistake with my kids.

Besides who cares if you have to do house chores, you are just showing your parents and yourself that you are a responsible child, and GOD bless you big time!! Let me tell you hon, you are one wonderful kid…I know that if I were your parents I would be proud of you…

At least you don’t have a mother that tells you that you are good for nothing…I haven’t seen my parents in 3 years, I saw them this april and made me realize why I live so far from them…All they did was criticize me on how dirty my carpet was, how messy my basement was, and how lazy my partner was… Carpet was dirty-shampooer broke and couldn’t afford to buy another one…Basement had always been like that since before I moved into the house–lazy man as if that’s any of anyone’s business…Obviously he is doing something right if I am not complaining about him, and believe me it’s not sexual at all… They didn’t care that my kids were healthy and strong, that I had a great job, and have been supporting myself and my kids since my exhusband and I got divorced 4 years ago…

SO, just try and be patient with them…Talk to them, start conversations after dinner, bring the Bible to the living room and tell your dad what a great story you read in it and want to share it with the family…If you can at least have the attention of one parent maybe that will make all the difference. IF anything try getting involved in activities with your siblings and your mom in church, we used to do that with my dad too…I would go to bible study often and my dad loved knowing we were doing that…He always tried to talk to us even if it was for 15 minutes right before bed time to hear what happened in Bible study…Try to make a family game night for your siblings and yourself…At least it will keep the stress off of your parent’s not being around so much…I try to do that with my kids…We’ll watch a movie, play video games, read stories, try to keep them occupied so they don’t feel alone or left out and when 8 pm-9pm comes it’s bed time…I work too and it’s hard to be there for everything but I try…BUT when big projects come around let me tell you it’s a huge sacrifice on both parts. I at least try to explain to my kids why I am not around often…It’s their choice if they want to accept what I have told them or stay angry with me…I am still there for them no matter what…

Don’t give up…You are very smart and bright…And God smiles upon you for your hard work…Just don’t give up and keep praying for your family. You are in my prayers…GOD BLESS!

 

[apromisemade]

Oh honey, this was me not but a few years ago.

My stepdad was away a lot at work, work that he was having problems with no less, and my mother was working two jobs, one as a full time executive director for a non-profit, the other as a part-time director for another non-profit. She hardly slept and it seemed like the only time she wanted to talk to me was to unload about some problem she was having with a co-worker. She was angry all the time and every time I tried to tell her I felt she was being unfair or I felt neglected, it always came back around to the same thing…“I work long hours everyday late into the night, you have no place to tell me that! How dare you get upset with me about anything!”

It was extremely discouraging to say the least. I can totally relate to diner to. I remember when it seemed like my family suddenly stopped having dinner together. Even if everyone was home it seemed like it was too late or they were too tired to make anything. And if I tried to express this to my mom she would simply snap, “Get it yourself, you’re not helpless.”

Anyway, sorry for going off like that. I just want you to know I truly understand how you feel. The only advice I can give you is to pick your battles and to try to make the most of what time you do manage to have together. Lots of people will tell you it’s not a bad thing at all if you do all the chores because it means you’re “self-reliant,” but it truly does hurt when your really only doing it because your parents just aren’t there. You may start feel like they’re not cooking dinner or whatnot because they just don’t care that much.

I remember feeling very confused as well. My mother would use her long work hours as a way to guilt me into doing stuff or not expressing myself, but at the same time she made me feel like she was really happier at work than anywhere else.

My heart truly goes out to you hun. I would say try sitting down with your parents and tell them how you feel, but I know from my own experience that may not be the solution.

If it’s any encouragement, I now have a much better relationship with my mother since she has begun to learn how to take more time for herself and be at peace on her own. She now makes an effort to set aside an hour a day to pray and meditate, she also watches shows on religious networks like EWTN and TBN. Like another poster said, “this to shall pass.”

Perhaps you could try to find little ways to spend time together. You said your dad would rather just watch tv at the end of the day. See if maybe there’s a tv show you might like to watch together or even as a family.

Hang in there. My thoughts will be with you. Feel free to message me privately if you want to talk more.

 

[Jimdandy]

Thank you so much for all the work you do for your family.
Sometimes, Moms are blind to their own family as they try
to serve the Lord and their community.
I would suggest that you and your sister devise a schedule for cooking the family meals and pencil your Mom in - and be willing to fill in for her if she has an emergency.
Include a day of “catch -as -catch -can” where everyone fixes the meal for themselves.
(When cooking a baked dish, cook several several in the oven and then freeze for later use and quick prep for sinner-and also cook muffins or quick breads for breakfasts.)
Then stick to it.

Include a short Bible verse to be recited and discussed at the table.Or discuss the Saint of the day.

Start praying the Rosary as you prepare the food or as you all help to clean up the kitchen.

The best way to help you Mom might be to lead by example-putting God first as you strive to meet the needs and demands placed on you.
God rewards us for the patience, contents and intention of our works, not the results-

Pray to Our Mother Mary and ask for her guidance.

May God always Bless you and your family.

 

[flyingfish]

I think you are being unfair to your mother. Do you have dreams for your future? How would you feel if you had children, whom you loved and cared for, and they constantly made you feel guilty because you chose to have a professional life instead of spending your time cooking for them and picking up after them?

Your mother has a life too, why should she spend hers doing your laundry and cleaning up after you? It’s normal for older children to do those things themselves. If you were 5 you’d have a point, but you seem to be in your teens. Do you want a mother or a maid?

Remember that the responsibility of parents is to help their children grow into independent adults.

 

[apromisemade]

I think you are being unfair to your mother. Do you have dreams for your future? How would you feel if you had children, whom you loved and cared for, and they constantly made you feel guilty because you chose to have a professional life instead of spending your time cooking for them and picking up after them?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have quality time with your mother. Lord knows not enough teenagers feel that way today. The OP is not saying she wants he mom to quite her job altogether and be a SAHM. Is wanting your family to have dinner together really too much to ask?

There’s a difference between raising your kids to be self reliant and leaving your kids to raise themselves. I certainly don’t think her mother should have to give up her job either, but if the workload she’s taking on is really cutting into family time and the quality of family life, then there needs to be some adjustments.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I think you are being unfair to your mother. Do you have dreams for your future? How would you feel if you had children, whom you loved and cared for, and they constantly made you feel guilty because you chose to have a professional life instead of spending your time cooking for them and picking up after them?

Your mother has a life too, why should she spend hers doing your laundry and cleaning up after you? It’s normal for older children to do those things themselves. If you were 5 you’d have a point, but you seem to be in your teens. Do you want a mother or a maid?

Remember that the responsibility of parents is to help their children grow into independent adults.

you sound like my hopefully future-mother-in-law, and my father…They believe in adult time…With the exception that my father still made lots of time for us and very little for my mother… lol…His adult time was more for himself to be with friends…for himself… And then kids time…there was never any adult time for both of them…Now that all their kids are grown now it’s adult time and if you saw them you would think they were a couple of 20+ year olds! It’s romantic to see my parents loving each other so deeply!

My bfs mother was the opposite, it was her time and her hubbys time, barely any time for her kids…Seriously! She took care of them, but at 7pm off to bed no ands ifs ands or buts… Her eldest got a job when he was 15, started working hard he was ready to leave, but he didn’t leave until he was 21 and met his now wife, she was 16 then… They are happily married and he’s owned his house since he was 22 years old… He says he doesn’t regret his mother not spending time with him, he said it made him be a responsible man…

And my mom never spent time with us, she told us mother’s didn’t spend time with the children only the father’s did…She worked and helped around the house and cooked and that was it…

As for me, I love spending time with my kids, and yes I would love adult time, and enjoy my career but like my father spent all that time with us as much as he could, it’s priceless time and I know how much my kids need that kind of time as well. And believe me even if it’s 30 mins a day that a parent spends time with their kids it makes a huge difference in their lives…

This child’s mother doesn’t have to give up her career but at least read the kids a bed time story or sing songs together while she takes them to school etc would really make a difference in their lives…

 

[Cat]

My first thought upon reading your OP is that there are money/job worries and debts, and your folks are working like scouts to try to hold the family together, and they’re kind enough to not let the kids know about their worries. They could tell you, the oldest child, but they don’t want you to have to shoulder an “adult” burden.

Five kids?! College is around the corner, and your parents are probably scared poopless wondering where the money will come from!

And in this economy, no one’s job is safe. My husband works for a major computer company with three letters, and up until this year, we have never worried about him losing his job. But now…we’re worried. The current President is taking this country down a path that is absolutely terrifying, and we don’t mind admitting that we are scared for our futures.

And I work in a hospital and I’ve never worried about losing my job because there aren’t that many microbiology technologists out there. But they are out there, and if they or their husbands lose their job, they’re going to come searching for MY job!

I hope I’m getting across to you how terribly scary it is to have the responsibility to take care of five children.

As the “child”, you may very well say, “I don’t care about the money, I just want them to spend time with me.”

You don’t know what you’re saying. Most families in this country are only a few paychecks away from being homeless. Close your eyes and imagine for a few minutes how it would feel if your parents lost your home. Even if you just rent an apartment, how would it feel to be evicted? You might have a week or a month to pack up all your stuff, sell most of it, and then…??? Move in with grandma? Do you have grandparents that have room for all of you? Where would you and your siblings sleep at Grandma’s house? On the sofas? On air mattresses on the living room floor? How much privacy would you have?

If there isn’t a “grandma” that you can move in with, you’ll move to a charity shelter.

Or maybe you’ll keep your home, but you’ll all have to give up things that you love. Do you play a sport? Take music lessons? Collect something? Have cable TV? Get ice cream after Mass? Whatever you do for fun, it will go because the money isn’t there anymore.

The scariest thing of all about losing a job is losing health insurance.

There may be debts that you don’t know about. Perhaps all these years, your parents have been financing certain expenses with credit cards (e.g., family trips and vacations, cost of various school-related activities, clothing, etc.), and now the bills are getting overwhelming and your parents realize that they HAVE to pay off the credit cards because of the scary economy.

Anyway, I don’t want to belabor the point. What I’m saying is that it sounds to me like your folks are working as hard as they can while they still have jobs, and they are counting on the kids to do a lot of the day-to-day family “chores.” Frankly, I don’t think they’re asking you to do anything unreasonable. Many farm kids have more chores than what you describe. If you read the Little House books, you’ll see that the girls had very little “playtime” because they were usually helping their Ma.

As for you dad watching TV, it’s probably exhaustion. If he is at all worried about losing his job, he probably spends his workday in a state of constant tension, and when he comes home, he just wants to crash and make the world go away. It’s too bad, because kids don’t “go away.” But sometimes, moms and dads just don’t have the energy anymore, especially if they’re emotionally exhausted. They may not be sleeping well, either, because of the money/job/debt situation.

I wouldn’t ask your parents about money if I were you. It’s a grown up thing and they probably don’t want to talk about it with you. I’m guessing that when they talk about it between the two of them, they cry, especially your mother. And for a man, money problems are a thread to his masculinity–he feels like less of a man and father because he can’t provide for his wife and kids. If you bring it up, your parents will feel even guiltier and more despairing. Allow them to work it out between themselves and with the help of other grownups.

At this point, the best thing you can do to help is continue to help hold down the fort. If you feel that your childhood/teenaged years are being robbed, talk calmly with your parents about it during a time when they are not exhausted, and ask if there’s any way they can relieve you once in a while so you can just be a kid!

One more thing–you and your family are not the only ones going through this. I know several families where one or both parents lost their jobs, suddenly and with no warning. The kids are pretty much doing what you’re doing–the “parent jobs” at home. It’s very hard. I believe that while Pres. Obama is trying to help the disenfranchized and poor, he’s doing it by taking jobs and monies away from average Americans like your family and mine. So hang in there. You’re not alone.

 

[sanctamaria17]

OK, why is it automatically your mom’s responsibility to look after family needs? Why isn’t it the whole family together? If she has to work as well, due to the economy, I can see why she’d be stressed. And maybe her healing ministry is to get some prayer in, as well as time out of the house?

Pray for your mom and dad. Do nice things for them. Help them relax when they get home. Write them a nice note. Make a hot (or cold, depending on weather) drink for them when they get home. Smile and thank them for what they do for you. Maybe they’re not ready to talk. Maybe they’re stressed about losing their jobs, about how they’re going to at least help five kids go to college, about paying for the house. If your dad’s got this huge project taking up so much of his time (and it’s the same at most jobs), maybe your mom is struggling with that too? Maybe she misses him, misses having another adult in the house, feeling overwhelmed because she doesn’t have help? Maybe her ministry is her only time to really contemplate and focus on God, without worrying about the house?

I don’t mean to sound harsh. I know it’s got to be hard. My family is going through the same thing. But you can use this time to grow and really help your family. It sounds like they’ve got a lot more on their plates than they realize. Maybe doing the chores and keeping your brother occupied is a bigger help to them than you realize and it could be a real time of maturity for you.

 

[iluvmybabies]

My first thought upon reading your OP is that there are money/job worries and debts, and your folks are working like scouts to try to hold the family together, and they’re kind enough to not let the kids know about their worries. They could tell you, the oldest child, but they don’t want you to have to shoulder an “adult” burden.

Five kids?! College is around the corner, and your parents are probably scared poopless wondering where the money will come from!

And in this economy, no one’s job is safe. My husband works for a major computer company with three letters, and up until this year, we have never worried about him losing his job. But now…we’re worried. The current President is taking this country down a path that is absolutely terrifying, and we don’t mind admitting that we are scared for our futures.

And I work in a hospital and I’ve never worried about losing my job because there aren’t that many microbiology technologists out there. But they are out there, and if they or their husbands lose their job, they’re going to come searching for MY job!

I hope I’m getting across to you how terribly scary it is to have the responsibility to take care of five children.

As the “child”, you may very well say, “I don’t care about the money, I just want them to spend time with me.”

You don’t know what you’re saying. Most families in this country are only a few paychecks away from being homeless. Close your eyes and imagine for a few minutes how it would feel if your parents lost your home. Even if you just rent an apartment, how would it feel to be evicted? You might have a week or a month to pack up all your stuff, sell most of it, and then…??? Move in with grandma? Do you have grandparents that have room for all of you? Where would you and your siblings sleep at Grandma’s house? On the sofas? On air mattresses on the living room floor? How much privacy would you have?

If there isn’t a “grandma” that you can move in with, you’ll move to a charity shelter.

Or maybe you’ll keep your home, but you’ll all have to give up things that you love. Do you play a sport? Take music lessons? Collect something? Have cable TV? Get ice cream after Mass? Whatever you do for fun, it will go because the money isn’t there anymore.

The scariest thing of all about losing a job is losing health insurance.

There may be debts that you don’t know about. Perhaps all these years, your parents have been financing certain expenses with credit cards (e.g., family trips and vacations, cost of various school-related activities, clothing, etc.), and now the bills are getting overwhelming and your parents realize that they HAVE to pay off the credit cards because of the scary economy.

Anyway, I don’t want to belabor the point. What I’m saying is that it sounds to me like your folks are working as hard as they can while they still have jobs, and they are counting on the kids to do a lot of the day-to-day family “chores.” Frankly, I don’t think they’re asking you to do anything unreasonable. Many farm kids have more chores than what you describe. If you read the Little House books, you’ll see that the girls had very little “playtime” because they were usually helping their Ma.

As for you dad watching TV, it’s probably exhaustion. If he is at all worried about losing his job, he probably spends his workday in a state of constant tension, and when he comes home, he just wants to crash and make the world go away. It’s too bad, because kids don’t “go away.” But sometimes, moms and dads just don’t have the energy anymore, especially if they’re emotionally exhausted. They may not be sleeping well, either, because of the money/job/debt situation.

I wouldn’t ask your parents about money if I were you. It’s a grown up thing and they probably don’t want to talk about it with you. I’m guessing that when they talk about it between the two of them, they cry, especially your mother. And for a man, money problems are a thread to his masculinity–he feels like less of a man and father because he can’t provide for his wife and kids. If you bring it up, your parents will feel even guiltier and more despairing. Allow them to work it out between themselves and with the help of other grownups.

At this point, the best thing you can do to help is continue to help hold down the fort. If you feel that your childhood/teenaged years are being robbed, talk calmly with your parents about it during a time when they are not exhausted, and ask if there’s any way they can relieve you once in a while so you can just be a kid!

One more thing–you and your family are not the only ones going through this. I know several families where one or both parents lost their jobs, suddenly and with no warning. The kids are pretty much doing what you’re doing–the “parent jobs” at home. It’s very hard. I believe that while Pres. Obama is trying to help the disenfranchized and poor, he’s doing it by taking jobs and monies away from average Americans like your family and mine. So hang in there. You’re not alone.

I like the advise you gave here…But about the Pres Obama trying to help the poor I don’t know how that’s happening because I am poor and I am scared to lose my job too…There have been some slowing down and major cuts where I work and I am under constant scare and freight of not having a job and I live for a fam of 4 with 17 grand a year…I have no luxuries-except for a tv and the car my bf is helping me pay for…LOL So maybe he’s just helping like the poorer countries…IF so then even better you know because they need all the help they can get right now…

 

[iluvmybabies]

I didn’t understand my parent’s when I was younger,why they were always so stressed, why they didn’t even want to talk to us, why they just wanted to sleep, why they wanted to just forget the world, and ignore us…Plenty of times…

And let me tell you the burden and stress that comes from kids’ not knowing is worst than if the truth is told…If I would have known all those years when I was little and I wanted things but my parents couldn’t afford them, or they had to work harder to get them, believe me I know I would have been more understanding and even more helpful. Instead the whole secrecy of “I don’t want to stress my child out! It’s adult business! Children don’t need to worry about this!” Made things even more difficult and made us suffer a lot.

This is what I see with the OP. She is suffering because she can’t understand and doesn’t unerstand what’s going on?

With everyone here telling her it could be because of job loss fear, or debts or lack of, etc…Then you are pretty much telling her what her parent’s should tell her and let her know instead of finding out about these things through someone else…That’s like if my daguhter was to come in here and ask about “why doesn’t my mother spend more time with me! All I see her do is work, and come home and want to crash on her bed and that’s it!” Well that’s for me to talk to her about not someone else…Kind of like what the school decided to do without my permission! Which was give her the talk! It put her in a stressful situation and very scared and frightened, I tried to relieve her about it but without success…

So in other words if we are going to give her advise like this, like “don’t be so hard on your parent’s they might have money problems etc”, then maybe we should be giving her the advise to talk to her parents about the problems so she might be able to be more patient with them and understand them better…???

 

[apromisemade]

And let me tell you the burden and stress that comes from kids’ not knowing is worst than if the truth is told…If I would have known all those years when I was little and I wanted things but my parents couldn’t afford them, or they had to work harder to get them, believe me I know I would have been more understanding and even more helpful. Instead the whole secrecy of “I don’t want to stress my child out! It’s adult business! Children don’t need to worry about this!” Made things even more difficult and made us suffer a lot.

I agree, if she’s old enough to be bothered by it she’s old enough to understand why it is happening.