Family size and happiness

[rayne89]

I know at least three family with eight or more children. Some of the children are adults, some are teens and some are still quite young. All the families I know are very close knit, very loving and seem to love their parents and siblings very much. Not everyone is called to have very large families. Not everyone can handle many children well. Having many children does not mean they’re all going to hate you and their siblings, I was pretty shocked at that assumption. There are good parents, mediocre parents and abusive parents in every family size. That is what makes the difference.

 

[ChurchSuffering]

1. I am the eldest child of 8 (9 counting my mothers miscarriage)
2. If I could choose a number probably 5 or 6
3. I don’t hate any of them, most of this is because of the faith that we were brought up in
4. They take one child on Sunday and spend the day with them, they alternated us so that we would get to spend one on one time with them.

 

[sailor28]

"As to mental breakdowns–well, I just heard a list last night of the famous people who have had stays at Bellevue. I doubt any of them had many children. The point being, there are a lot of stresses in life. Some people have breakdowns, whether they have 10 children or none. "

I wanted to clarify that the moms I am referring to had mental breakdowns specifically related to having too many children too closely spaced together. Each woman has individual abilities and should be mindful of them when planning a family. Though not often acknowledged parents can plan imprudently and have more children that they can meet their basic needs for. Kids are resilient but again too much chaos in the early years shows up somewhere. All the women I mentioned had kids at a time when knowledge of NFP was not well distributed. I do see in some Catholic circles the large family presented as the ideal. Not just having a large family but homeschooling them and running your own blog on the side. Not all women are called to this and hopefully couples can have the wisdom to discern that. Overall, I think the homeschooling, large family, blog on the side image paints and unrealistic picture for many women.

We can see from this thread that there are large and small families that did not turn out so well for various reasons. There are plenty of kids who grew up in large families who do not desire to have a large family because their experience was not good or healthy. Perhaps some only children long for a large family. There are large and small families, Catholic or not, that are very loving. Parents need to prayerfully discern what they are called too and make every effort to preserve a loving bond within their family.

 

[Am2010]

As my husband and I are discussing the size of family we want, we’ve hit a snag. Specifically, I have never met a person who was from a family of three or more kids who has a single nice thing to say about their parents’ choice to have more than two children (exceptions are those with 8 or more years between consecutive children). Most feel that their parents were neglectful or worse and some say they would rather not have existed at all. Most hate some if not all of their siblings. All of them say to maximize children at 2 and that all who do not limit themselves this much commit the crime of child abuse. My husband says this cannot be the case, as the Church recommends large families. Neither of us is from a large family.

I would like answers only from those who grew up in a family of three or more children, without significant age gaps (8 years or more).

1. How many were in your family, divided by gender, and how many years apart?
2. Would you have (have you had) more than two children?
3. How did your parents keep you from hating your siblings?
4. How did your parents raise more than two and avoid neglecting all of them?

1. I’m the oldest of 7. GBBBGBB, 18 years from oldest to youngest. 4, 2 years apart age gaps and 2, 4 years apart age gaps.
2. I have 4 because I think that’s the perfect number for us. My kids are ages 22 to 11 and I’ve been able to give them a lot of attention and they’re all very close and I’ve never felt overwhelmed. I’ve enjoyed everyone of their baby/toddler-hoods and I love it now too.
3. My parents hoped we would all remain close. Not all of us have stayed close. As the oldest I’m fine with everyone.
4. I feel 7 was too many for my parents. One sibling doesn’t have too much to do with the family anymore because he feels he didn’t get enough attention from my Mom as we were growing up.

 

[EasterJoy]

The thing with a large family is that the parents usually decide to try or not try for another child one at a time. You don’t have to decide right now what the right number is going to be for the total circumstances of your family. Suffice it to say that there are many people I know who came from large families who also wanted large families when they married. When both parents came from small families, they don’t tend to be so brave, but there are exceptions. Usually, they had fewer than their parents, but that was usually because their parents married four or five years younger than their children did.

I also know very few people who hate or resent their siblings. That includes people from families of sixteen children. As adults, the children seem to sort themselves according to temperament and interest. The ones who like hunting go hunting together, the ones who like golf will golf together, the ones who like shopping shop together, and the ones with very little in common see each other a lot less.

No, the family members that people most uniformly resent are their parents. That is Blame Target #1 and Gratitude Target #1, often from the same people! That is a fact of life, regardless of family size. You can’t influence someone that much without a bit of Monday morning quarterbacking. Get used to it!

 

[LongingSoul]

I also know very few people who hate or resent their siblings.

That is true. Nature and God seem to have built into the human biology, a natural force of bonding between siblings. It’s more often the case that we tolerate and love siblings we’d probably have little time for were they unrelated strangers.

I can remember a music teacher commenting on how beautifully my sister and I harmonise our voices. Apparently siblings can have a unique synchronicity by virtue of the sibling relationship.

Parents have a duty to protect and nurture their offsprings filial relationship whether their family is big or small.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

That is true. Nature and God seem to have built into the human biology, a natural force of bonding between siblings. It’s more often the case that we tolerate and love siblings we’d probably have little time for were they unrelated strangers.

From my experience, I’m not sure I ever experienced this ‘natural force’ you’re talking about. I don’t think what you describe easily fits all families.

If anything, my respect and care for my own siblings actually comes from a force that’s more competitive in nature. See, when you live under the same roof as someone with his/her fair share of achievements, you end up both expectations of them and of yourself. Many people demonize this as jealousy and fear it growing unhealthy. But when nurtured right, you end up having children who see themselves constantly maintaining each other as equals.

I’m not saying this as some form of recommendation of condemnation of the opposite. I’m simply saying that some children are born hardwired to challenge each other. My family is one such family. Besides, you can’t expect a child to grow up an independent adult if you’re always telling your older ones to pamper them.

 

[EasterJoy]

From my experience, I’m not sure I ever experienced this ‘natural force’ you’re talking about. I don’t think what you describe easily fits all families.

If anything, my respect and care for my own siblings actually comes from a force that’s more competitive in nature. See, when you live under the same roof as someone with his/her fair share of achievements, you end up both expectations of them and of yourself. Many people demonize this as jealousy and fear it growing unhealthy. But when nurtured right, you end up having children who see themselves constantly maintaining each other as equals.

I’m not saying this as some form of recommendation of condemnation of the opposite. I’m simply saying that some children are born hardwired to challenge each other. My family is one such family. Besides, you can’t expect a child to grow up an independent adult if you’re always telling your older ones to pamper them.

Siblings very often have complicated relationships, and certainly not all families have the same sort of relationships between siblings. I have known very few people who hate or resent their siblings, but I know a few. I know a few who feel some “mystical connection” with their sibling or siblings. Most of us are well between those two ends of the spectrum.

 

[BlueberryPie]

1. How many were in your family, divided by gender, and how many years apart?
2. Would you have (have you had) more than two children?
3. How did your parents keep you from hating your siblings?
4. How did your parents raise more than two and avoid neglecting all of them?

Hi Secant

1. I have eight siblings: four boys and four girls. We’re all about 2 years apart.
2. Absolutely! I jokingly told my friend once that I wanted 16 kids, but that I would settle for 11.
3. We have some pretty awesome relationships in my family. I credit that to my parents. When we fought, my parents let us know that fighting was not acceptable. We always ate meals together (I think that played a humongous role in learning how to get along). And most of all, my parents loved each other and loved God. I felt very secure in knowing and observing that throughout my childhood.
4. People have asked me this before… I really don’t know. I do know that I was loved.
   I think that it might have something to do with not having a TV. We played games, hiked, skied, talked instead. My Mom’s a stay-at-home mom - she was always available to talk to us. My favorite moments with my Dad is when both of us are up late at night and we just talk for a few minutes by ourselves. Both parents would, every now and then, take one or two of us out for supper. And, this is just a theory of mine, but my siblings always give each other attention (the older ones will play soccer with the younger ones… etc). There’s a lot of “best friend” friendships among siblings…

My family’s not perfect though. We do fight… people get grumpy… teasing goes too far… disrespect happens… But it’s a work in progress; no family is perfect.

I hope this helped… or at least gave you hope that big families can be wonderful!

 

[1ke]

I don’t think what you have witnessed has anything to do with the **size **of the family. The things you relay sound more like serious addiction, mental illness, personality disorder, or some other serious disturbance in the families you describe.

 

[LongingSoul]

And most of all, my parents loved each other and loved God. I felt very secure in knowing and observing that throughout my childhood.

You know. I think that should be the number 1 goal of all parents. My mother and I had a quite poor relationship for the first 45 years of my life. (For some reason over the last 7 years she has changed her attitude towards me and it’s very nice)… but I always dreamed of having a relationship like my parents have with each other. I once read in a Majellan magazine many years ago that a good marriage can heal the wounds of a painful childhood… and I think that if your parents can show you true marital love… you’ve been given the best gift any parent can give you as their child.