Father-in-law living in sin

[chemottib]

Hello everyone. I need advice and prayers. My father-in-law has had a girlfriend for a while. Both catholic. He has been divorced twice and each one has been bitter. He has now moved in with his girlfriend. I wrote him a letter stating the catholic position and may have been a bit harsh. Now my wife is terribly upset and distraught. This family has been through a lot and I hope and pray I did not caue even more hurt. But I had to label what is out there to label and I cannot give scandal by keeping quite and saying nothing. Please help with some advice. Also, this man is extremely smart and intilectually sound.

God Bless

Bryan

 

[rfk]

Well, I hope I can express this in a way that still lets you know my motives are positive and charitable.

If it was me, I don’t think I would have written it in a letter for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, it hurt your wife. If you felt the responsibility to express anything, it would have been worthwhile to try to find a means or method that would not create hurt or damage for your innocent spouse.

Second, putting something like that in writing is virtually guaranteed to create misunderstandings or hurt feelings. It is very, very difficult to handle a touchy, emotionally-charged issue in writing. The person reading it starts to get worked up and in all likelihood doesn’t even really read what you said – they read what they thought you said. There is no room for gestures, tone of voice, or body language to get the message across. If they start going off-track by paragraph two, there is no opportunity to realize you are being misunderstood, clarify any misperceptions and get things back on track.

Third, when it comes to disagreements or misunderstandings with our extended family, I tend to defer handling issues with her family to my spouse. Similarly, I tend to handle any issues with my family. For example, if my mother says something hurtful to my spouse (and she has), it is up to me to address the issue with my mother. Conversely, when we decided it was time to talk with my in-laws about getting nursing assistance for my mother-in-law, my wife was taking the lead.

Fourth, I have to assume that your father-in-law knows his actions are wrong, and violate Church teaching. He is a big boy. Did you really think he was going to leave her if you expressed disapproval? I would suggest that some time spent in self-examination to get past any possible rationalizations and truly understand what your goals and motivation were would be helpful.

Fifth, if you have children, then I really do understand the scandal issue. However, trying to draw the line between loving the sinner and hating the sin is a difficult one to draw. Unless he is a toxic grandfather who is harmful to your children, I would assume you do not want to sever that grandparent-grandchild relationship. However, you don’t want to parade the situation in front of your children as if everything is normal and OK.

Continued next message (limited to 3000 characters)

 

[rfk]

If it was me, I believe I would have taken a different approach. My wife could simply invite him (but not her) over to the house occasionally to visit with the family. She could refuse invitations to his house. When the question comes up regarding “why” (and it would), she can be matter-of-fact – not lecturing or judgmental – and say, “Dad, we believe we cannot implicitly support this sinful situation. We love you, and we want to maintain that relationship, but we cannot support what you are doing. You know the example set for the grandchildren is important – both your example, and the example of how hubbie & I deal with this issue.”

Now, it could be quite likely (given your description) that he would stick with his new honey and leave in a huff. But, he may choose to maintain a relationship under those conditions. Either way, you have left the door open and it becomes his choice and his consequence.

All the theory aside, I do believe it is your responsibility to try to repair whatever damage you have caused. Note that this does not include accpeting responsibility for his sinful actions, but you can apologize for any hurt feelings or misunderstandings you have created. Especially with your wife. I would recommend that any attempts at reconciliation occur after the examination of conscience so that you can get beyond any defenses or rationalizations and be able to proceed with clarity.

Finally, I do not know if I have had any success in getting the point across while still reamining charitable. I sincerely hope so. I also hope that it could serve in some small way as a positive example for dealing with him.

I’ve said a prayer for you and your family.

 

[The_Vatican_Two]

Thanks for the great advice RFK! I’m in a simliar situation… you really just have to pray a lot. We’ve tried letter writing but it just doesn’t seem to do any good. Maybe it plants a seed that will grow to fruition though?

I just pray for my relative daily and offer up Masses for them. So keep praying!

 

[kevinsgirl]

Great advice RFK!

Chemottib, the biggest red flag for me in your post was that it sounded like your wife was unaware of the letter before you sent it. Because this is her father, I think it is imperative that you should have let her read it first so you could have decided together on a course of action.

Secondly, your wife is distraught, so you already know you’ve cost your family more hurt. You need to apologize to her first and foremost.

Finally, you should explain to your father-in-law that you want what his best for his soul, but that you made a mistake in showing your concern.

Just my 2 cents…