Fear of Intimacy

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I don’t know if this is a shared experience, but sometimes I worry that my devotion to chastity fosters anxiety around basic physical intimacy in my romantic relationships. I feel like partners have felt isolated from me in the past because of it, and occasionally I worry that this anxiety will one day carry over into my marriage and negatively affect the way I am able to relate to my wife.

Sometimes I lose hope in the virtue of chastity for this reason and it makes it difficult to stay on the right path. Are my worries valid? Are there things I can do now to prepare for that aspect of my relationships with people (besides pray, which I do often)? What has your experience with fear of this kind of intimacy been like?
 
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Before moving on I would like to point out that chastity is the only reasonable way to be in a Catholic relationship before marriage. We are all called to chastity according to our situation. Now, I think a good indication towards answering your question is how you think about marriage. Do you, forgive my wording, picture yourself in a full, complete marriage? Do you picture yourself married generally or only to a specific person? If not, maybe your call to chastity is a call to something else entirely.
 
Are you repelled by hand holding, or kissing or putting your arm around your girlfriend?

And on an emotional level, do you hold back on expressions of love and caring? Do you put on a mask, or a false face because if people really got to know you they’d leave you?
 
like1guy said:
don’t know if this is a shared experience, but sometimes I worry that my devotion to chastity fosters anxiety around basic physical intimacy in my romantic relationships. I feel like partners have felt isolated from me in the past because of it, and occasionally I worry that this anxiety will one day carry over into my marriage and negatively affect the way I am able to relate to my wife.

Sometimes I lose hope in the virtue of chastity for this reason and it makes it difficult to stay on the right path. Are my worries valid? Are there things I can do now to prepare for that aspect of my relationships with people (besides pray, which I do often)? What has your experience with fear of this kind of intimacy been like?
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I don’t really have any insight, other than to say yeah, I think this is a valid concern. If you are hyper focused on purity in an obsessive rather than a healthy way, it’s probably going to give you some weird hang ups about sex and intimacy that you’re going to carry forward into your married life.
 
Yes, especially kissing, though repelled might be the wrong word because I really want to do it. I just don’t. And I don’t know exactly why. I think it has to do with a weird mix between worrying about crossing the line, fear of rejection and some abuse I went through as a kid. Emotionally, I’m pretty open.
 
I don’t know if I understand what you mean by a full and complete marriage, but I think so…? Wife, kids, physical, emotional spiritual intimacy, trying to get one another to heaven.

For a long time I pictured myself married to a specific person, but I had to get over her for a lot of reasons that are unrelated to this issue. All I can say is that when I imagine my life without a relationship like that, a deep sense of dread comes over me. I am intensely motivated to resolve this issue and enter into communion with another at some point.
 
That’s exactly what I meant.
I’m in awe of the call to marriage. Every time I meet someone with a true calling it reminds me that I’m called to other things. Regardless of how “simple” married life would be for me, it simply would not be the will of God for me. 😌
I’ll say a prayer for you. 🙏
 
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Couple of things. First, how old are you? It’s normal to be a little confused and unsure at a certain age. Second, not to put you on the spot, but are you sure you’re straight?

Assuming your sexuality isn’t the issue, maybe consider some counseling. It does sound like you’re developing a bit of a hang up that might not be totally healthy.
 
I’m twenty and I think I’m bisexual, though I don’t plan on exploring same-sex attraction anytime soon. I’ve been in straight relationships where chastity was not a priority and my tendency was toward the opposite end of the spectrum. To be frank, I’ve had some crappy experiences with sex and I’ve reigned in my boundaries so that the impersonality and abuse of those incidences don’t repeat themselves. For the record, I’ve had a couple of relationships with girls that lasted for months. I would consider myself to have been in love with girls before.

Maybe counseling is the right option. I’m hoping against it, but I’ll have to pray over it.
 
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I advise seeking professional counseling. We can only tell you what we think. But what you really need is a professional who can get to know you and help you with this.
 
Would a priest have the tools to deal with something like this or should I look into other options?
 
The high school and college years are times of figuring things out and can be very awkward while you find your place in the world.
Also, making mistakes and being embarrassed over those mistakes…

Chastity can be a valid lifestyle path, but it can also be a refuge for people who have fears and hang-ups about sex.
The fact that you’re trying to figure where you stand is a pretty good sign of self-awareness!
 
A priest can help you spiritually. But you need professional counseling for the rest.
 
like1guy said:
I’m twenty and I think I’m bisexual, though I don’t plan on exploring same-sex attraction anytime soon. I’ve been in straight relationships where chastity was not a priority and my tendency was toward the opposite end of the spectrum. To be frank, I’ve had some crappy experiences with sex and I’ve reigned in my boundaries so that the impersonality and abuse of those incidences don’t repeat themselves. For the record, I’ve had a couple of relationships with girls that lasted for months. I would consider myself to have been in love with girls before.

Maybe counseling is the right option. I’m hoping against it, but I’ll have to pray over it.
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Maybe this just isn’t the right time for you to be dating anyone. You’re very young and it seems like you’re confused about some stuff. It’s not unusual for people your age to be a little conflicted when it comes to dating and sexuality.

Note that I’m not saying you’re weird or crazy or damaged or anything. Like I said, you’re not the first twenty year old to have ambivalent feelings about all this. So why not just put the romantic stuff on hold for a bit, focus on your college studies, and just work on having healthy platonic friendships for now?
 
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