Fear of pushing son further away from God

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vocatio said:
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Could he be angry at his father, you and your fiance? I would recommend stepping away from your relationship first with the fiance…sad isn’t it. But as a parent, I would never get involved with another woman without my children growing up first. That is the recommended practice.
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I don’t think that this should be stated as such a hard absolute. Yes, it is important to take the needs of the whole family into account when deciding to remarry…but that certainly does not mean that you need to wait until your children are grown before etering into a new relationship. A good man can be a great role model for your children. I wouldn’t feel bad about that. We were Baptists and my mom married a Catholic man after my dad died. I was happy then that she remarried and I gained a new dad…and I am still happy 27 years later because I still have someone who cares about me like a father and who is a wonderful grandfather to my children.

I would ask though, do you think it is possible that your son has not had adequate time to grieve? Has he been able to talk freely about his feelings? A lot of times after the death of a parent, counseling is a really good idea for children. Has your son received any counseling?

I do think that you should be somewhat respectful of his religious convictions, listen to him, and not force him to go Mass. Is he actually still interested in the Southern Baptist Church? Is it possible that he would be allowed to go there as long as he also attended Mass with the family and agreed to discuss his faith with you so that you could work together to look into any issues that he has questions about?
 
SilenceISgolden said:
I disagree with simply letting him go back to the SB church. His mother has found the one true church and now wants to share that with her son so that she can raise him to one day reach heaven. She was once an atheist, now she’s not, she’s learned the truth. She has the responsibility to teach it to her son. He is 14, not 17 or 18.
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At 14, the young man is well above the age of reason. He cannot be forced to become Catholic. If he decides to convert, it must be his own decision. He would need to attend RCIA classes and decide if he wishes to be received into the Catholic Church. The decision to be confirmed as a Catholic would have to be his own.

Only children under 7 are allowed to be received into the Catholic Church based on the faith of their parents.
 
Please allow the young man go to the church of his choice. Furthermore, make the effort to drop him off there on your way to Mass. And pick him up on the way home. If he does not feel connected with God at the Catholic church to which he does not belong, he should go where he does feel connected. It isn’t just “I’m not being fed.” He has the same needs that any of us has. He has to find his own path home to God.

Matthew
 
I have sympathy for this boy. My parents raised me to be a “free thinker.” Then, when I was about 11 or 12, my dad suddenly decided that he needed religion in his life. He shopped around different beliefs before settling on the Episcopal Church when I was 14. Of course, he expected me to just ditch everything I knew and become a Christian too. I resented it deeply. I went through the Episcopal confirmation process only because he forced me, hating it all the while. As soon as I could, I quit going to any church at all and only now, at age 41, am I coming back to Christianity.

I suggest that you and your fiance take the pressure off your son. Do not try to force him to do or be something that he is actively resisting.
 
Some wonderful advice that I will discuss with my fiancée, but duskyjewel, let me address one point you made.

I was going to allow my sons to remain at their chosen church Until the pastor, after many long hours of trying to talk me Out of my Catholic Faith, told me that because of my chosen path, me and my kids were doomed to HELL!:eek: As a mom, I took that as a serious threat, and that is why I pulled them out of that church.

ibkc,your situation sounds alot like what is happening in my home. I grew up an atheist, didn’t know anything differnet until God decided it was time I knew Him. I regret thinking my sons would have the same conversion experience as I had, but for me,when I finally stepping INTO the light, I was so excited. I know the dark world of Atheism all to well and don’t want that for my children.

Its hard for me to realize that a conversion of the heart has to come from God and not me, but I must continue to plant the seeds, I am just afraid, like what happened to you ibck, that I will push my son further away.
 
love4mary said:
Some wonderful advice that I will discuss with my fiancée, but duskyjewel, let me address one point you made.

I was going to allow my sons to remain at their chosen church Until the pastor, after many long hours of trying to talk me Out of my Catholic Faith, told me that because of my chosen path, me and my kids were doomed to HELL!:eek: As a mom, I took that as a serious threat, and that is why I pulled them out of that church.

ibkc,your situation sounds alot like what is happening in my home. I grew up an atheist, didn’t know anything differnet until God decided it was time I knew Him. I regret thinking my sons would have the same conversion experience as I had, but for me,when I finally stepping INTO the light, I was so excited. I know the dark world of Atheism all to well and don’t want that for my children.

Its hard for me to realize that a conversion of the heart has to come from God and not me, but I must continue to plant the seeds, I am just afraid, like what happened to you ibck, that I will push my son further away.
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Wow… so it’s on of THOSE SB Churches. That does present a major problem. In my reply I suggested that he would probably meet some anti-catholics but didn’t expect the Minister to be an uneducated tard as well.

I grew up in a church like that in the 70s… all I can say is that it was through some of their idiocy in regards to Catholicism that I’m probably becoming Catholic. If I haddn’t seen how some of their arguements contradicted each other I might have beleved them. I had my father though who was a big student of history to help me work through those as he did himself.

I would still say education is the key on this. As others have said though it may be something with your new fiancee replacing his father. Make sure that he knows that you understand that no one will ever replace his father for him nor in some ways for you (if that is true). However your fiance wants to do the best he can and will try to be a good father but he is going to need your sons help to do that. Put some of the responsiblity back on him, NOT ALL OF IT, but some. You guys were family first, before this man came into your life. Tell him that you need him, that you love him and ask for his help in this. By making him feel a part of the solution rather than the outsider, it may help.

Not sure about letting him go back to the SB Church though, if they believe catholics are all doomed they may be preaching other heretical ideas as well. Definitely need to pray about that one more.

Pick up that book I suggested, at least it will give you ideas to help understand the mindset of that chuch since that is the situation the author grew up in.

Joe
 
Have you talked to your son about what that pastor said? I think I would show him what the Catechism says about other religions, and ask him what sounds more logical and reasonable, what that pastor says or what the Catholic Church teaches. Which one is reflective of his view of God’s great love?

818 "However, one cannot charge with the sin of the separation those who at present are born into these communities [that resulted from such separation] and in them are brought up in the faith of Christ, and the Catholic Church accepts them with respect and affection as brothers . . . . All who have been justified by faith in Baptism are incorporated into Christ; they therefore have a right to be called Christians, and with good reason are accepted as brothers in the Lord by the children of the Catholic Church."272

819 "Furthermore, many elements of sanctification and of truth"273 are found outside the visible confines of the Catholic Church: "the written Word of God; the life of grace; faith, hope, and charity, with the other interior gifts of the Holy Spirit, as well as visible elements."274 Christ’s Spirit uses these Churches and ecclesial communities as means of salvation, whose power derives from the fullness of grace and truth that Christ has entrusted to the Catholic Church. All these blessings come from Christ and lead to him,275 and are in themselves calls to "Catholic unity."276

838 "The Church knows that she is joined in many ways to the baptized who are honored by the name of Christian, but do not profess the Catholic faith in its entirety or have not preserved unity or communion under the successor of Peter."322 Those "who believe in Christ and have been properly baptized are put in a certain, although imperfect, communion with the Catholic Church."323 With the Orthodox Churches, this communion is so profound "that it lacks little to attain the fullness that would permit a common celebration of the Lord’s Eucharist."324

839 "Those who have not yet received the Gospel are related to the People of God in various ways."325

The relationship of the Church with the Jewish People. When she delves into her own mystery, the Church, the People of God in the New Covenant, discovers her link with the Jewish People,326 "the first to hear the Word of God."327 The Jewish faith, unlike other non-Christian religions, is already a response to God’s revelation in the Old Covenant. To the Jews “belong the sonship, the glory, the covenants, the giving of the law, the worship, and the promises; to them belong the patriarchs, and of their race, according to the flesh, is the Christ”,328 "for the gifts and the call of God are irrevocable."329

840 And when one considers the future, God’s People of the Old Covenant and the new People of God tend towards similar goals: expectation of the coming (or the return) of the Messiah. But one awaits the return of the Messiah who died and rose from the dead and is recognized as Lord and Son of God; the other awaits the coming of a Messiah, whose features remain hidden till the end of time; and the latter waiting is accompanied by the drama of not knowing or of misunderstanding Christ Jesus.

841 The Church’s relationship with the Muslims. "The plan of salvation also includes those who acknowledge the Creator, in the first place amongst whom are the Muslims; these profess to hold the faith of Abraham, and together with us they adore the one, merciful God, mankind’s judge on the last day."330

842 The Church’s bond with non-Christian religions is in the first place the common origin and end of the human race:

All nations form but one community. This is so because all stem from the one stock which God created to people the entire earth, and also because all share a common destiny, namely God. His providence, evident goodness, and saving designs extend to all against the day when the elect are gathered together in the holy city. . .331

843 The Catholic Church recognizes in other religions that search, among shadows and images, for the God who is unknown yet near since he gives life and breath and all things and wants all men to be saved. Thus, the Church considers all goodness and truth found in these religions as "a preparation for the Gospel and given by him who enlightens all men that they may at length have life."332
 
As a poster suggested, a youth retreat of some kind. Only problem is, there is not any in my area and even if there was one, my son would not attend.

I can’t, in all good conscious allow him to attend his former SB church and due to the anti-Catholic climate in my town (veiled but there), I can’t allow him to attend Any protestant church.

I have reached a compromise with him. He MUST attend Mass every Sunday with the family, but does not have to attend CCD. I know this is not the best, but like others have said, I would harm him more by pushing him away even further from God if I forced my faith onto him.

As to separating from my fiancée till my sons are grown. My sons love him and are looking forward to being a complete family again,complete meaning, Mom AND Dad. To leave him for a time would put another emotional hole into my sons lives and I will not do that to them. We have been without a husband/father since 2002, and we are ready as a family to move forward. My son’s issues with the faith accured long before I met my intended.

I need to find a way of challenging him to think about God and what the faith means. His soul is much to precious to take risks with, and to say he is young and will figure it out as he grows up takes on a different meaning with me. My father died when he was 19 years old, and I have had cousins die in childhood, so I know that we all don’t grow to be, as my children would say, “Oldens with gray hair”.
 
It sounds like that is a good compromise for now, at least IMHO. 👍 Since he isn’t going to CCD, you might try getting some apologetic books and letting him read those.

Scott Hahn’s Home Sweet Rome might be good, he would probably get bored with the part about marraige and family towards the end but it’s an interesting read and he might identify with Scott talking about his High School days.

You guys are in my prayers!

Joe
 
What is he into? Is he a sports nut, is he into rock and roll, skating, is he a computer geek or a gamer?

That will help in finding some things to spark his interest…
 
love4mary, that sounds like the best compromise for the situation you have. This way, since he is not being pushed into making a faith commitment that he’s not sure about, he should feel more like he has some control over his own life and that you respect the fact that he is approaching adulthood, and that’s one of the things that teens his age need the most. I hope it goes well for all of you. 🙂
 
love4mary said:
I have reached a compromise with him. He MUST attend Mass every Sunday with the family, but does not have to attend CCD. I know this is not the best, but like others have said, I would harm him more by pushing him away even further from God if I forced my faith onto him.
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He still may resent being forced to attend Mass since he is a Baptist.
 
Very good idea. Pull up some significantly Catholic teachings from the scripture and crossrefernce. Do some word studies to show that you can walk the walk. But show him that even protestant bible scholars use church fathers sometimes…but twist it. Growing more knowledgable will help you grow and share what you’ve learned. Part of this is the age. So being patient will be necessary. My very sincere 13 year old still has a tendency to say the wrong thing, getting punished on occasion. He still gets his lectures…the lecture is partly his punishment.

I’d say approach this with a John Martignoni approach, but much more gentle. Learn scripture and reference the early church fathers as History not make believe. I could have a field day on souther baptist. I’ve seen a Southern Baptist preacher berate 2 young teens from the pulpit naming names and naming the sin. It is not that unusual. Sincerity has its limits.
 
My son is a starter on his football team (offense and defense:thumbsup: ) can do advanced Algebra and all that techno type math in the 8th grade, in fact he is bored in math class most of the time,but reads two grades below his grade level. I say this because of the advice about reading Scot Hahn’s “Rome Sweet Home” (I read it, fantastic book:thumbsup: ) He won’t read, not anything if he can help it He won’t listen even if I read it to him.

I know that he is now entering a phase of life between being a child and being an adult, and this is very confusing for him, but if he wants to be treated more like an adult then as a child, he needs to assume more responsibility and that includes his faith.
The trick for me, is to find a way of sparking a curiosity or a want to know more kind of mentality.
 
Looks like your son needs more of the sports oriented visual stuff…

Going to put on my thinking cap.

Two things that pop into mind - the Champions of Faith DVD. Just something to have to watch as a family some evening.

Second, is there any chance you would be interested in satellite radio? The afternoon program “The Catholic Guy” might be a great way to reach him.
 
I was also a single parent for MANY years. I was one of those that chose to remain single until my son turned 18, he was about 8 when I made that decision. It was VERY difficult.
I am not going to tell you to leave your fiancée. I will suggest you really take a good look at your sons and fiancées relationship. On the surface they may appear to be getting along GREAT, when in truth your son could be resenting your fiancée, not because of who he is, but for who he isn’t. There is NOTHING wrong with that if he is. I will also suggest that your fiancée NOT try to parent your children (mostly the oldest). That is your job and they (at least your oldest, sorry forgot how old the other is) could begin to resent your fiancée for not being their dad.
Also, insure that you spend quality one on one time with your sons. My son and I used to go walking every Saturday when he was in his teens, it was amazing how much I would find out about him from our walking conversations. You might also look at you and your sons attending Mass without your fiancée for a few months to see if that changes anything. Your son may be seeing how devout your fiancée is and feels he is not able to live up to that expectation. (in a teenager mind = why try)
I am a firm supporter in teaching teens respect. My son went through the not wanting to go to Mass phase. I told him something similar to what a pp said about he has to go, he has to go through the motions and be respectful, other than that I would not pressure anything on him. He is now 20, he is not as active in Church as I would like him to be. Although, he does make it to mass and he does his best to avoid sin. He continues to tell me he is still a work in progress.
Oh also on the respect thing, even though I suggest your fiancee not parent your son, does not mean that your son should not show your fiancee respect.
 
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