Feel called to take niece

[tamccrackine]

Little bit of background… my older sister is Bi-polar and a pathological liar. My 12 yo neice has Tourettes, Epilepsy, ADD, ADHD and any other problem you can associate with a pre-pubescent girl. Her (divorced and now remarried) father wants nothing to do with her because my sister is such a (bad word) to him (He’s not a bad man, my sister is just stupid) My sister then has a 4 yr old by another man that is living with him. This man and my niece were put in a hard spot because of the position my sister put them both in. Instead of getting married and letting him adopt her, she’d rather let him live with them so she can still collect child support from her ex-husband (which she uses on stuff for herself). So now he has no parental authority over her, but he’s expected to “respect” this child when this child shows NO respect for him at all.

She claims she’s keeping the father of her 4 year old around just to catch up on bills then she’s kicking him out. (I’ve heard this story 4 times this year) My sister has called me during many heated moments and has threated to “(bad word) slap this little (bad word)… I’m going to beat the living (bad word) out of this little (bad word).” and I can hear my niece in the back ground arguing back.

I took this niece in when she was 10 and had her for 3 months. I had many challenges presented before me, but this was before we learned she had epilepsy and tourettes. I didn’t have nearly as many problems as what my sister goes through, but 2 years have passed now.

I am feeling called to take her into my home because she has no life before her staying with her mother. Yet I’m out of sorts with my own indecision. My inlaws thinks I’ll ruin my children if I take my niece in because they are so young and impressionable, my husband won’t say anything one way or another about it, my parents want me to take my niece only because they know that they are next if I don’t take her and they don’t want her. I think I don’t want to take on the challenge because I’ve heard my neice talk to my sister and it would make the devil wretch in happiness because it’s so rude, so cruel, so disrespectful (my first instinct is to smack her mouth, but that just doens’t solve anything) and I don’t have the energy to deal with that. I think I’m also feeling threatened because I finally got my husband to admit he wouldn’t mind another baby but if I take her in, there goes my chance to have another baby. If I was to take her, I’d have to shut my sister out of my life and adopt my neice and I know my sister wouldn’t go for that. We also can’t afford to take her in… we are so far in debt as it is. My sister wouldn’t give up parental rights but she also wouldn’t give me the child support.

I’m sorry to lay this all out but I don’t know what else to do. It sounds like I’m trying to rationalize my way out and being selfish… I’m hurt and confused.

help? thanks…
theresa

 

[allhers]

Well, you do know that the tourettes is what may be causing the outburts of swearing and obsecenties right? I found a tourettes site at
www.tourettes-disorder.com
They have help with support groups, links, and other helpful information on how to help her deal with it, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I will keep you all in my prayers, sounds like your neice is tough to deal with and needs much love, if no one is able to provide what she needs, perhaps you all ought to suggest to your sister that she find out all she can about this disorder and learn to deal with it, or put her daughter up for adoption, I am sure that someone in this world would be able to love her and help her deal with this, it doesn’t sound like it would be an easy thing to deal with unless you have loving people around you to help you and not blame you.
As for the other matters, it sounds like your neice’s father is just using your sister as an excuse to not see his daughter, also sounds like your sister is using this man she is with, not to mention other sinful matters and bad example for her children. It also sounds as if she (your sister) has some “issues” of her own that may need some counceling.
I guess the best question is “What would be best for your neice?”

 

[puzzleannie]

If you have reason to believe your niece is being abused you must report your sister to CPS at once, it is your legal and moral duty. They will ask the family to step forward if there is anyone able to take her (including her father), before they put her in foster care, and since the state will decide custody, child support will be re-arranged accordingly. Many of the niece’s behavioral issues are due to TS, by all means get in touch with the support group since all in the family should be educated about this.

 

[tamccrackine]

allhers:

Well, you do know that the tourettes is what may be causing the outburts of swearing and obsecenties right? I found a tourettes site at
www.tourettes-disorder.comI guess the best question is “What would be best for your neice?”

Tourettes is, unfortunately, stigmatized in the public as just being swear words and outburts but it actually manifests itself in many other forms. I used to have a problem with my niece (when she was with me) of standing in one spot and doing little bunny hops, or spinning in circles. I thought she was just misbehaving, but I later learned it was Tourettes. Giggling at inappropriate moments was also happening. She doesn’t swear. My neice does have an attitude problem because she’s always being called retard, a few bad words I won’t repeat here, belittled, etc. I won’t excuse her attitude because she doesn’t have to be disrespectful. Most children with Tourettes also has ADHD and right now, my niece is drugged up but even that isn’t administered properly.

I’ve talked with my mother about it and we’re in agreement that my neice needs a way out. Right now I will be talking with my husband and do some serious talking. I believe he’s trying to at least get me to understand that my neice is a severe challenge for anyone and I think he’s wondering if I know what I’ll be getting into. We’re a military family and he’s hardly ever home so I wouldn’t necessarily have the support I’d need.

At this point, I’m asking for prayers. I dont’ want my neice to be hateful later in life at me and say “You saw the abuse and did nothing.” I want her to grow into the beautiful child God created and I just don’t see it happening right now.

So to answer the question of what’s right for the child… it would be to take her.

Thanks for all ya’ll’s prayers though!
Peace
theresa

 

[Island_Oak]

With all due admiration for your concern and compassion for this girl, she sounds like someone much in need of direct, constant one-on-one attention/therapy. Though you agonize over the clear neglect of her needs in her present home life (no doubt contributing to her behavioural problems) you have some primary parenting responsibilities in your own home, which, with your husband gone frequently, you are already bearing unevenly. The fact that your sister has single-handedly messed up several lives does not obligate you to place yourself or your family in a precarious position. This girl is not someone I would trust to bring into a home with small/vulnerable children. If you are finacially stressed, that will not help secure the professional help she clearly needs.

Were you an empty nester with lots of energy and resources–I’d say give it a shot. But this is not a lost puppy–the girl in question needs more help, supervision, and therapy than you can reasonably expect to provide and would be almost impossible to integrate into a family with small children.
I wish I had a more positive suggestion…Is there another relative (mother/aunt) who could help your sister manage some of the issues/therapy etc. this child needs? I agree she needs rescuing–I just don’t think you’re in the position to do it.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I agree with Island Oak.

You taking in your niece may be more than you and your children can handle right now. I would advice talking this over with a psychologist or social worker and really find out exactly how this will affect her and your own children before making any commitments.

I bet there are foster families just waiting to help a child like your niece…maybe they have training to deal with her type of problems, can give her one on one attention, etc. It’s worth looking into before you make your final decision.

I pray that you find a solution that helps your niece to grow into the wonderful woman God has planned…

Malia

 

[Siena]

Can you push her father to take her? It dosn’t seem fair to punish her for the sins of her mother, or is it just a convienient “excuse” for him? I think HE should step up to the plate to care for HIS daughter.

 

[tamccrackine]

Thank you so much for all the kind words. It’s amazing how writing this helped me to figure out what I should do… and those of you that wrote and kinda put the breaks on me… are right. I can’t take my niece without putting my children at risk.

My mother said she would take her. My mother is an empty nester by a few years and my father is still on Active Duty so he can get good medical benefits for my niece. This way I can still support my niece, but not directly. I understand there are good foster families and such out there, but I don’t trust it.

As for my nieces father… he’s out completely. He’s talked to her once or twice since the last time he’s seen her (in about 9 or 10 years) and he wants nothing to do with her. I would have to talk to him directly to figure out if he would give it a chance if my sister would disappear completely out of the picture. He’s using his sheer disdain for her (my sister) as an excuse to not have a connection with his daughter.

Please, I ask just for continued prayer for my niece. She’s going to need it. I plan to contact her private school tomorrow and talk with a counselor so they are aware of the situation. I spoke with my niece today and she just begged me to have someone to talk to. She just needs someone to talk to, express herself without ridicule. She has a good heart.

Thank you all for your prayers and help. I sincerely appreciate it!
theresa