Feel like I'm not good enough of a Catholic

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David_ist01

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I have a situation for which I’d like to hear opinions on.
I recently revealed to a good friend of mine that several years ago I made an awful mistake and I got a vasectomy. I was not attending Church at the time and got bad advice.

He expressed his sorrow for my descision at the same time recomending I not recieve Holy Communion until I discussed this with a priest. I told him I did finally confess not only the vasectomy sin but also the sin of presumption.

He wrote back saying that if it were him he would have the process reversed, even thought it has been 8 years since I had the procedure, and it probably wouldn’t work anyway. I haven’t had a chance to speak with him face to face but just with the email exchange I feel like I’m not a good enough Catholic for him and his family.

I’m compelled to agree with him since I am Godfather to one of his children and so far having only one child (age 10) in my family is sad example of being Catholic.

This friend of mine and his boys (4 of them) are Alter servers at our Church, now I am leary of going to that mass because I feel I am being somewhat judged by my friend as not being worthy of recieving Holy Communion. I’m interested in all opinions especially if it from a priest.😦
 
I’m no priest, but here are two thoughts. First, if you have confessed, you have confessed. If you were given absolution, it cannot undo the vasectomy nor can a priest, but it should not keep you from Communion as you are forgiven. What did your priest say on this? I would love to know myself.

Second, I would hope that your friend as a Catholic would understand you admitted and confessed a mistake, but he cannot undo it either. You are a brave soul even telling him you confessed it, and if he is that close of a friend, should not be judging you, human as he is.

As for the number of kids you have, that in no way makes you a sad example of being Catholic. And if God wants the reversal to be successful, He will, but I’d pray about it before jumping in to having more kids for the reason above. Talk and pray with your wife; talk with a priest.

God bless, good luck.
 
Good thing it’s God’s judgement, in His infinite Mercy, that matters, and not our friends/family/aquaintences, no matter how well meaning they think they’re being.

And remember, it’s not always the outward displays of religiosity that matter, it’s what’s in your heart.

C
 
David_ist01 said:
I have a situation for which I’d like to hear opinions on.
I recently revealed to a good friend of mine that several years ago I made an awful mistake and I got a vasectomy. I was not attending Church at the time and got bad advice.

He expressed his sorrow for my descision at the same time recomending I not recieve Holy Communion until I discussed this with a priest. I told him I did finally confess not only the vasectomy sin but also the sin of presumption.

He wrote back saying that if it were him he would have the process reversed, even thought it has been 8 years since I had the procedure, and it probably wouldn’t work anyway. I haven’t had a chance to speak with him face to face but just with the email exchange I feel like I’m not a good enough Catholic for him and his family.

I’m compelled to agree with him since I am Godfather to one of his children and so far having only one child (age 10) in my family is sad example of being Catholic.

This friend of mine and his boys (4 of them) are Alter servers at our Church, now I am leary of going to that mass because I feel I am being somewhat judged by my friend as not being worthy of recieving Holy Communion. I’m interested in all opinions especially if it from a priest.😦
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David,

While I personally feel that you should get it reversed if possible, the sacrament is still valid, and you should not stop going to Church or feel the need to switch parishes in order not to be judged. All of us make mistakes, many of which cannot be undone. Your relationship with god and your “goodness” of being a catholic is more than this. It is your prayers, your fasts, your love for him.

Catholig
 

  1. *]you have already confessed… to think you aren’t forgiven would be like saying you don’t trust God
    *]Your friend is not the Eucharist police… it is not his call to determine if you should receive. He gave you advice… that’s as far as it goes.
    *]Why would you let this keep you from mass? If anything, Jesus taught us that he came for sinners… the righteous didn’t need him like the sinners did.
    *]If you can afford a reversal, thats great… but if you can’t… don’t worry about it.
    *]If you are concerned about what your friend thinks… Thank him for his advice and let him know you feel so much better since you talked to Father about it… that will make him see it is not his concern any more.
 
Hi there, this is a subject near and dear to my heart. I hope your friend is not judging your ‘Catholicity’ but regardless, it is not required that you reverse sterilization. If you confessed it, it is forgiven, end of story.

Just to share my story, my dh had a vas when we were not practicing Catholics. He did have a reversal (there are several Drs who do this as a ministry and we found one) 9 years later and we were pg within two months. So, not required, but you never know, maybe God is calling you to do it. No one can say but you and your wife. If you are at all interested, I could point you to several resources.

Upon rereading your note, I noticed the comment about having ‘only’ one child. Please do not think that is a bad reflection on your family or your faith. There are many reasons people have one or two kids, sure sometimes it is a mistake, like a vas, but other times it is just not possible for them to have more. No one should judge you for that.

Good luck,
 
We are all dependent on the mercy of God. No one is a good enough Catholic in that sense. I also think you should presume that your friend is acting out of love and not judgement.

But, I think you should use this opportunity to do penance for your sin. You are forgiven, but you may have some penance still to do.

Everytime you see your friend, I think you should pray, “Lord, please accept my humiliation as a penance for my sin.” And, even better, I think you should further pray, “Thank you for this friend of mine who gives me the opportunity to offer you this penance. Please bless him abundantly.”

And, every time you think of it, too.

Also, maybe you could think of some other penances to do. Even if you don’t “need” the penance, God can use it to stop other men who are tempted to this sin.

Actually, you could pray for my nonCatholic dh who sometimes suggests that he is going to do this. 😦
 
I agree with the above posters.

All the Church requires of you is confession of this sin, which you have done. She does not REQUIRE you to get a reversal, but I do think it’s something you and your wife should pray about. Also, I have heard of many couples in this situation who, when unable to seek a reversal (often due to financial constraints) will still use NFP and abstain from relations a certain points of the month as a form of penance/not wanting to take advantage of the prior sin. Again, this is certainly OPTIONAL and not a requirement. Your friend may not have realized that you’ve been to confession, or perhaps they are under the
(mis)understanding that a reversal is required.
 
David_ist01 said:
I have a situation for which I’d like to hear opinions on.
I recently revealed to a good friend of mine that several years ago I made an awful mistake and I got a vasectomy. I was not attending Church at the time and got bad advice.

He expressed his sorrow for my descision at the same time recomending I not recieve Holy Communion until I discussed this with a priest. I told him I did finally confess not only the vasectomy sin but also the sin of presumption.

He wrote back saying that if it were him he would have the process reversed, even thought it has been 8 years since I had the procedure, and it probably wouldn’t work anyway. I haven’t had a chance to speak with him face to face but just with the email exchange I feel like I’m not a good enough Catholic for him and his family.

I’m compelled to agree with him since I am Godfather to one of his children and so far having only one child (age 10) in my family is sad example of being Catholic.

This friend of mine and his boys (4 of them) are Alter servers at our Church, now I am leary of going to that mass because I feel I am being somewhat judged by my friend as not being worthy of recieving Holy Communion. I’m interested in all opinions especially if it from a priest.😦
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Please don’t let this man’s attitude stop you from going to Mass. His opinion matters not at all. You have confessed the sin, have been completely forgiven by God, and God’s opinion is the only one who matters.

As for feeling like you’re not good enough for this man and his family, well, I’ve been there too. Many of my high school friends were from extremely devout Catholic families. My parents are Catholic, although not as devout, and due to medical issues were only able to have me. I could tell from the attitudes of some of the parents that I wasn’t entirely welcome, and they weren’t sure if I was okay to be around their kids (thankfully, some of the other parents were among the nicest people I have ever met). And you know what? The attitudes of the people who didn’t want me around their kids were their problem, not mine. I did nothing to deserve it, neither did my parents, and the people were making judgements based on outward appearances. If your friend is making you this uncomfortable with his attitude, perhaps you don’t need such a person in your life, and you certainly don’t need such a person making your child feel unworthy.

At least you have one child. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for nearly three years now. We’re decently well off, we both work, and are both healthy. There are no outward signs that indicate anything other than use of contraceptives. I hate that people automatically assume this, but there’s nothing we can do. A lot of people (on these boards and IRL) are conditioned to look at small families and automatically assume the worst. Again, their problem, not mine (or yours).
 
Unless your friend is your spiritual director (which I don’t think he is from your post), you have no obligation to follow his advise. He is not a priest, and has no power whatsoever to 1) give you penance and 2) forgive your sin. My advise would be to talk to your confessor (priest) about this. This is a personal matter and truly, none of your friend’s business.
 
eliza3b said:
Unless your friend is your spiritual director (which I don’t think he is from your post), you have no obligation to follow his advise. He is not a priest, and has no power whatsoever to 1) give you penance and 2) forgive your sin. My advise would be to talk to your confessor (priest) about this. This is a personal matter and truly, none of your friend’s business.
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My thoughts as well.

However, I think you should consider that your friend may not be judging you at all. It may his understanding that it is required that you get the vac reversed (not true) which is why he said that to you. Obviously you are very close friends if you are the Godfather to one of his children, and he was probably just worried about you. I think if it comes up again, tell him that contrary to what he believes, it is not the Church’s position that you MUST get it reversed.
 
You take advice on matter for confession from the priest in the confessional, or your spiritual director. It is less than helpful to get specific advice on what is or is not a sin for you and what you should do about it from anyone else. A pastoral concern should be dealt with by a pastor, and professional issues (medical, psychological etc) by the proper professional --not by any friend however well-meaning or well informed. you can get general information from a good spiritual writer, or a good solid friend who has given evidence of living a moral and virtuous life, but for personal pastoral counselling, go to a pastor, that is, a priest. Get out of the habit right know of discussion your confessions and matter for confession with outsiders, except insofar as your confessor directs you (apologising to someone or making reparation, for instance).
 
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