Feeling excluded from single women in my parish

[Serap]

There is a thread right now about how singles feel invisible in the Catholic Church. I just wanted to flip the topic and mention that I have been feeling left out by single women in my parish.

There is a very tight group of women in my parish that are in their 40s and single. I have become very close friends with one of them. She is a sweatheart, so I don’t want to give the wrong impression.

Here’s the thing: I have been close friends with this girl now for a year. She has introduced me to her friends and while they are friendly with me, they are also very unfriendly with me. This group of girls also have very close priest friends (one in particular) and they get together for dinners, etc all the time.

My girlfriend and her friends make me feel very unwelcome to become part of their group. I have been very kind and friendly to them, but they are not interested in inviting me along to any of their get togethers. For example, they do brunch every Sunday after mass and not once in the past year have I been invited (although I do have my daughter with me, so maybe that’s the reason ). They in fact hurry my friend if she’s chatting with me after mass and say that they have to get going for brunch. BTW…I go to mass alone with my daughter every Sunday.

I am also good friends too with the priest that they are close to, so it’s not like I’m not friendly with the priests either. Everyone in their group knows me at least as an acquaintance. My close friend has mentioned or hinted a couple of times that they keep their parties small so they can all fit into someone’s house…come on!! There’s only one of me and perhaps my husband (which he’s usually busy with our house or his studying anyway). My husband really likes these people at my parish and would be completely ok with me going out with them.

It just confuses me at the way these single women treat me. I think they are all very nice people (don’t get me wrong), but on the flip side, they are making ME feel invisible and it often hurts my feelings to the point where I feel hesitant to attend church activities b/c I know afterwards that they are all going to go out together afterwards and I go home alone .

 

[1ke]

Some people simply place friends into a context, such as my “married friends” my “single girl’s lunch group” my “work friends” etc.

Maybe your friend has you in mind has her “married friend” that she does things with one-on-one but not as part of the “single gal’s brunch.”

Who knows.

Honestly, you’re not going to get an answer to this any other way than to ask your friend. Tell her you would be interested in joining them at the brunches after mass or at dinner nights. Also, invite all of them to your house for a dinner night.

They may include you or they may rebuff you.

I can tell you that sometimes people just want to have a certain group together, and that’s it. When groups overlap-- such as at church-- sometimes feelings get hurt. You may just have to accept that you won’t be included in these things and enjoy the time you do spend with your friend individually.

In my old parish we had a young adult group that started out mostly singles, but then a lot of people met/married others in the group or from outside the group. So then a married couples group started up. Within that group one couple started having a dinner group. They limited it to X number of couples and they rotated houses. One of my friends and her husband didn’t make it into the dinner group, but someone innocently said “Are you going to dinner at XYZ’s house Friday?” not realizing that there was a limit on who was invited. My friend got her feelings really hurt, and didn’t accept the “only X number of couples” rationale of the group organizer. This was 10 years ago, and she still brings up that stupid dinner group. She and the rest of that group became alienated over that stupid dinner. Well, I wasn’t invited either and that was because I was single and the dinner was only for couples!

Honestly, people mentally categorize, mentally put people into contexts, and then just sometimes only want to hang out with certain people.

So, you either accpet it … or you hold on to it as part of your own identity (i.e., the person who didn’t get invited) and make yourself feel bad.

My solution would be to start my own brunch group.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I am also good friends too with the priest that they are close to, so it’s not like I’m not friendly with the priests either. Everyone in their group knows me at least as an acquaintance. My close friend has mentioned or hinted a couple of times that they keep their parties small so they can all fit into someone’s house…come on!! There’s only one of me and perhaps my husband (which he’s usually busy with our house or his studying anyway). My husband really likes these people at my parish and would be completely ok with me going out with them.

It just confuses me at the way these single women treat me. I think they are all very nice people (don’t get me wrong), but on the flip side, they are making ME feel invisible and it often hurts my feelings to the point where I feel hesitant to attend church activities b/c I know afterwards that they are all going to go out together afterwards and** I go home alone** .

---

But, didn’t you say you have a husband and daughter? It doesn’t sound like you are alone.

The other gals may just assume that because you’re married, that Sunday would be family day - and it sounds like they don’t have families to go home to. They may not want children there, as you mentioned. If you wanted to go to the Brunch and leave your daughter home with your husband, maybe you should mention that to your friend.

Otherwise, I would recommend just asking your friend to join you for a Girls night out, and tell her she can invite the other girls if she chooses to. If they show up, maybe you’ve started a little group of your own - the Monthly Girls Margarita and Fajita Night!

I think you really can’t invite yourself to the brunch without, well, inviting yourself. aNd then you’ll never know really whether they asked you just to be polite because how can you say no to someone’s face when they ask flat-out to come? But if they come to your event on your invitation, then they probably want to get to know you better. And if they don’t - then they are not worth the bother!

Oh, and one last thing - I don’t think this is unique to the Catholic Church, I think it’s basic group dynamics in our society.

 

[Serap]

But, didn’t you say you have a husband and daughter? It doesn’t sound like you are alone.

The other gals may just assume that because you’re married, that Sunday would be family day - and it sounds like they don’t have families to go home to. They may not want children there, as you mentioned. If you wanted to go to the Brunch and leave your daughter home with your husband, maybe you should mention that to your friend.

Otherwise, I would recommend just asking your friend to join you for a Girls night out, and tell her she can invite the other girls if she chooses to. If they show up, maybe you’ve started a little group of your own - the Monthly Girls Margarita and Fajita Night!

My husband is usually busy renovating our house upstairs, so I do go home “alone” if you know what I mean - I’m not complaining by any means; it would just be nice to be invited. I am not close to my family, so Sunday is not a time with my family either, so I go home to what feels like an empty house.

I like these girls, so don’t get me wrong. I just feel left out and perhaps they figure a married woman wouldn’t want to come along…I dunno

I have mentioned having a girls’ night out, but she went away on vacation and since has forgotten about it. Perhaps I should just take the initiative and invite them all over to my place for dinner and see what happens?

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Hi Serap.

I think there’s a lot of, possibly incorrect, assumptions single people make about married people. The reverse is also true. You know what they say about making assumptions.

I think a lot of single people assume married people have a completely different priorities in life, especially if they have children. Yet, they are still social creatures and would like to get out of the house from time to time to meet new people.

I would share your thoughts with your friend. Here is a crazy, off the wall idea: you could invite all the single ladies over to your place for a “girls night” if your hubby and daughter won’t mind and could keep a low profile. This may reduce some of the tension that they have.

 

[Serap]

Hi Serap.

I think there’s a lot of, possibly incorrect, assumptions single people make about married people. The reverse is also true. You know what they say about making assumptions.

I think a lot of single people assume married people have a completely different priorities in life, especially if they have children. Yet, they are still social creatures and would like to get out of the house from time to time to meet new people.

I would share your thoughts with your friend. Here is a crazy, off the wall idea: you could invite all the single ladies over to your place for a “girls night” if your hubby and daughter won’t mind and could keep a low profile. This may reduce some of the tension that they have.

Hey ComputerGeek!!! Yeah, I think I may just do that and see what comes of it.

There are definitely assumptions being made about me for sure. Perhaps they think that I think they are somehow below me b/c they are single…definitely NOT the case!!

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Hey ComputerGeek!!! Yeah, I think I may just do that and see what comes of it.

There are definitely assumptions being made about me for sure. Perhaps they think that I think they are somehow below me b/c they are single…definitely NOT the case!!

I don’t even think it may be that.

The assumptions may range from “She has a husband and a child to go home to, all us singe folk have is each other” to “Any time we get together she’s going to bring her kid who may throw a temper tantrum.”

I think some trust and goodwill may have to be built wil them.

 

[SpaceNeedle]

Dinner at your place! Dig out the blender! This will open better dialogue with you and the ladies for future get-togethers.

 

[jwashu]

There is a thread right now about how singles feel invisible in the Catholic Church. I just wanted to flip the topic and mention that I have been feeling left out by single women in my parish.

There is a very tight group of women in my parish that are in their 40s and single. I have become very close friends with one of them. She is a sweatheart, so I don’t want to give the wrong impression.

Here’s the thing: I have been close friends with this girl now for a year. She has introduced me to her friends and while they are friendly with me, they are also very unfriendly with me. This group of girls also have very close priest friends (one in particular) and they get together for dinners, etc all the time.

My girlfriend and her friends make me feel very unwelcome to become part of their group. I have been very kind and friendly to them, but they are not interested in inviting me along to any of their get togethers. For example, they do brunch every Sunday after mass and not once in the past year have I been invited (although I do have my daughter with me, so maybe that’s the reason ). They in fact hurry my friend if she’s chatting with me after mass and say that they have to get going for brunch. BTW…I go to mass alone with my daughter every Sunday.

I am also good friends too with the priest that they are close to, so it’s not like I’m not friendly with the priests either. Everyone in their group knows me at least as an acquaintance. My close friend has mentioned or hinted a couple of times that they keep their parties small so they can all fit into someone’s house…come on!! There’s only one of me and perhaps my husband (which he’s usually busy with our house or his studying anyway). My husband really likes these people at my parish and would be completely ok with me going out with them.

It just confuses me at the way these single women treat me. I think they are all very nice people (don’t get me wrong), but on the flip side, they are making ME feel invisible and it often hurts my feelings to the point where I feel hesitant to attend church activities b/c I know afterwards that they are all going to go out together afterwards and I go home alone .

Maybe they are jealous… and having you around would remind them of what they either don’t have or what they lost. Just a thought…

 

[CountrySinger]

I think having a girls night is a good idea! Even if is low key, like a cheesy movie night. And drinks, you have to have drinks, lol.
Even though I’m single, I still love kids. One of my closest friends has two adorable little ones (18 months and 9 weeks), and I always love to have them along. It forces us to behave!
I know not all single people want kids around. As long as the child behaves (ie not screaming, throwing things constantly, etc.), I’m cool.