I want to become Byzantine, but I feel kind of scared and guilty about it. I converted to Roman Catholicism - from Protestantism - in June after studying it, Orthodoxy, and “sacramental” Protestant sects for months. But I’m so stressed out and disappointed now that, being mentally ill, I’m sick and neurotic all the time. I feel empty inside, like there’s a yawning hole in my heart that typical Roman practice can’t fill. I don’t fit in at any of the parishes I can regularly reach, being a young man in a city where the parishes are primarily older people in a cultural milieu completely different than mine with the parishes barren of youth. I long for tradition and a sense of culture, continuity, identity, and community but the way the faith is practiced here is so simple, shallow, and sentimental and "Catholic identity" changes depending what neighborhood you’re in. Mass has become an occasion of sin for me because I hate the way the priests seem so flippant about it, I hate the horrible music that tries to force me to make the faith all about feeling nice,* I hate feeling herded into effeminate, sentimental, saccharine spirituality,* I hate the status quo of mediocrity (why is it normal to never use the propers, etc.), I hate the lack of our traditional expressions, I hate the lack of hearty teaching, I hate watching the priest replace the homily with a discussion on parish finances like it’s normal, I hate feeling like my intelligence and culture make me at best useless, at worst a potential troublemaker… because* I’m starting to tilt toward an angry Traditionalism*.
I take it all too personally, but the fact is that, regardless of whether I should put so many of my eggs in a parish basket, I’m lonely and poor and have no way to meet people or feel a sense of community without church because I can’t work or go to school. So I’m falling apart here, and I figured maybe I could become Byzantine because I feel at home at the local Byzantine parish.* It has a more even distribution of ages, the people are from a different neighborhood that I like better, the Divine Liturgy doesn’t allow for so many inculturations and I like it better anyways because I feel like it’s reverent, traditional, beautiful, and allows me to actively worship -* I prefer it to even the EF mass - I like the culture, the iconography, and most of all I prefer the spirituality and theology. It’s so positive and it gives me a sense of self-transcendence with all the emphasis on theosis and ascetic struggle. The legalities of the Roman tradition hurt for someone as insecure as me. But I feel so guilty for up and leaving without really attending a more traditional parish and seeing the Roman identity and continuity. But I think ultimately I don’t fit in, and my spiritual progress is suffering dearly due to all these issues. I feel completely comfortable when I consider myself Eastern and practice accordingly. I leave the Liturgy happy. I get to talk to people because the parish is smaller and they notice newcomers. I think the parish is beautiful, I don’t feel like a fish out of water, etc. But I still. feel. bad.
My main concern is a prideful one I must admit - I made something out of myself studying tons of Western theology over the years, and now I have no clue where to begin with the East. I keep telling myself I like the intellectualism and dogmatic precision and such but let’s face it - there’s a huge gulf between theology and praxis here. Lots of head knowledge, but I need something experiential. I don’t have a Christian “heart”, but I don’t want my heart to be like the Romans’ because their spirituality feels so feminine and sensual. So I kick and scream myself into an emotional mess. I just need to know where to go, what to read, to learn about Orthodoxy/Byzantine theology and praxis. Because compared to Protestantism and Roman Catholicism there is no where near as much detailed information available online. I’m afraid I won’t be able to learn about it. Plus I’d miss my sacramentals and devotions, and that makes me concerned about indulgences as well. (As you can see I’m trying to stop myself from acting like I don’t have to accept certain dogmas which shows that I’m not going to go all traditionalist once I transfer.)
I know it’s a lot of talk about me, me, me here but I have to preserve myself somehow because I feel so sick from all the stress. I feel so alone.
There is absolutely no need for you to force certain things because they don’t make you Catholic. I have to say that you should work on this and find peace, accept who you are. We come in all shapes and sizes and middle-class white America that you seem to encounter in church is most certainly not the norm. The Catholic church is the universal church. Never forget that.