Feeling lonely as a housewife

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JessErickson

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I recently got married at the end of June 2019. I’m 23 and my husband is 28. A few weeks ago, my husband (who is also a devout Catholic) and I discovered and we’re expecting a baby. It’s been a really joyful time, but the problems arise when I spend too much time alone.

I generally appreciate quiet time and am a naturally more reserved and introverted person, but when I spend too much time by myself I end up reverting back to my old habits of thinking and begin to feel depressed again.

I know the obvious solutions–“Hang out with friends and family! Meet new people!” The problem is that I moved four hours away from my hometown to be with my husband. I left my family there. I only had three friends in town, one of whom I’ve known since kindergarten and who decided to stop being my friend kind of out of the blue just before the wedding. None of these friends are catholic, so I can’t really share my faith with them in the way I’m yearning to.

My husband and I luckily talk about everything together and have an incredibly strong relationship filled with effective communication and understanding but despite our conversations about this topic, we haven’t come up with a solution.

Sometimes when I feel so down and lonely I think about the future and wonder if I’m gonna be alone even when we have children. I struggled with depression in the past and sometimes if I’m home by myself and I get really bad I have thoughts of hurting myself even though I don’t act on them. I just feel like I won’t be fit to be a mother and I won’t take care of my children properly and I’ll be a failure.

I know I should seek counseling and I do want to set up an appointment with Pastoral Counseling, but I just don’t have the courage. I keep thinking “maybe I’m being over dramatic” or “I’m not really worth the money it would cost to get help.”

I wanted to be a teacher but my education was put on hold after I got my BA because we needed to pay off our other debts and Work on saving up, and now I’m pregnant so I figure well no career for me, I’m just gonna be taking care of kids. Which is what I wanted, but on days like this I find it difficult to see the hope and the meaning to my life. I struggle with seeing myself as valuable, like I have a purpose.

Maybe if I met a Catholic community i’d feel better, but I struggle with social anxiety and isolate myself much of the time because I’m too scared to interact or put myself out there.

A huge thank you to anyone who responds to this garbled mess of a post.
 
Please set up an appointment with Pastoral Counselling, it will really help you. Of course you’re worth the money. You deserve to be happy and you deserve what it takes to help you. You’ll be able to get some help for your social anxiety and depression, which will really make you feel better in terms of getting out and meeting more people.

Is there any possibility you could volunteer? Are there any Catholic organisations that you might be able to work with? It’s worth checking at your church if there are any such groups, or if your church could do with another pair of hands. I find that it’s a lot easier to get talking to new people if you have an activity in common, so volunteering would be a good fit for that, if you’re able to.Take advantage of any baby groups that pop up in the future as well.

Sending hugs your way. I hope you’re feeling better soon.
 
Thank you so much for the kind words and advice. I have been too scared to seek programs in nearby parishes…We live in a really small town so our parish doesn’t even have a website because it’s so small. The next nearby parishes are bigger and would likely have programs but they are 30-40 minutes away, which makes it hard for me to justify going especially when my husband and I are working so hard to save money. Plus I am unfamiliar with the territory which sparks my anxiety. I know this all sounds like excuses, but these are just the obstacles that have been preventing me from seeking community. But you’re right, I should seek professional help.
 
Please don’t put off getting help from a mental health professional.

Social anxiety, depression, thoughts of self harm, and feelings of being unworthy are all connected.

If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your husband and child. Mommy needs to be well mentally and physically for baby.
 
Thank you for the suggestion! When I lived in my hometown i used to do that every day during the summer when I wasn’t working and it was a great way to cultivate my spiritual life, though I never met anyone there because the same people came every day and no one was in my age group. But maybe things would be different in this area? I’m not sure. Thank you for the idea! I hadn’t considered it before. I know I need to put forth more effort.
 
You’re totally right, thank you. I want to be fully sound and have good tools in place to feel confident in taking care of my family. Thank you for the encouragement. I’d appreciate your prayers!
 
Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! My wife and I just had our first child (daughter) about 2 months ago. Let me tell you this, it will change your life. I was reading another thread on here where a mum was distraught she had to go back to work and spend less time with her child! So it can also be exactly the opposite. I think your world will turn upside down (in the best way possible), once you come home with your tiny miracle.

I also used to suffer from depression, and am still prone to it (I mean, who isn’t though?). Here is something which helped me, maybe it can help you too… (It seems to be too long to post, I will send you a message).
 
Hello Jess,
I used to be shy and introverted, and still am to some extent. But having children changed me. (Isn’t there a scripture about “she will be saved through childbearing”?) I had to learn to stand up for and protect my children, meet their needs, and advocate for them. It’s the best thing that could have happened to me.

As others have said, please get the counseling you need and deserve. Sometimes the days seem very long when caring for a new baby, and you will need to be healthy mentally and emotionally. Children pick up on their mother’s moods to an extraordinary extent. I’m sure you want your baby to be happy and enjoy life.

I hope you will go to mass more often, and reach out to local churches to find friends and support. I couldn’t make it even now without my weekly Bible Study. If there isn’t one, maybe you could help start one. That’s one thing that Protestant churches do well, and we should imitate them.
Praying for health and happiness for you and your family.
 
Thank you so much for replying to me and offering me this insight. I think you’re completely right and I’m sure I’ll have a similar experience once our little one is born (I need to find that Bible passage now!) I’m so excited to meet this new little human and I know I will step up to the plate once he/she is born (too little to know if it’s a boy or a girl yet!)

I talked with my mom and husband about my feelings yesterday and we kind of agreed on a game plan similar to what you suggested, which involves me trying to find a Bible study/young moms group. Or, as both you and my mom mentioned, meet the need of a Bible study or something if one isn’t offered in the area. In any case, I’m going to call the Church in the next town and see what is available.

I can’t thank you enough for your kind words and support. God bless!
 
Have you simply sat down with the pastor? Ask him to dinner with your family.
 
I’m glad you are making plans and have your mom’s support.
That verse is 1 Timothy 2:15 “But women will be saved through childbearing if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.”
 
Hi,

I am in a somewhat similar situation, except that I have now two children.
I know that it can be hard to follow a husband far away of our family and friends. How it can be lonely to be pregnant and a mother in a place were we have no relation. What depression can brings.

Can you moove easily from home because you live in the city or have a car, or are you dependant on your husband for everything? If you are not, it would be easier, but if you are dependant, as I am myself, all is not completely hopeless.

Even if you are anxious, I encourage to seek what is available to your new area to met news people and have a support network.
What your parish or catholics organizations offers for young people? For parents? For mothers? For women? For all people? I encourage you to join a group to meet new people and increase your faith.

You will have probably have medical appointment for your pregnancy. I encourage you to take childbirth class and join a group of support for breastfeeding or mothering or for youngs mothers. You would have more ideas as it is your first and a new network.

Can you volunteer as you now have no child to help some people in need? i have done that when I except my first, and it help to be helpful. I help foreigners of my parish to learn our language. It may be something that may interest you, as you planned to be a teacher.

I encourage you to speak of your depression to your midwife or your health care provider. He can direct you to psycholigical support. Maybe some can be offered for free in your area?

And if nothing works, you can still make new relations online!

No, I don’t think that you will stay forever alone! Usually children can brings a new network for their parents if the parents invest themselves in their activities or school.
 
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Hi Jess,

I felt like I was reading one of my posts as I read yours. I am in the same boat. I am a housewife and I get depressed when I am alone. I also don’t work and have been scared that I won’t be able to ever have a social life. I get the feeling that you wrote this post in one of your down moods.

One thing I would encourage you to look into is doing some kind of side job online. I have a blog and am working on creating merchandise through a website which handles all the shipping and costumer service. Additionally, there are many teaching jobs online, where you can tutor people from long distance. Basically, don’t give up hope. Envision what you want your future to be and then work as hard as you can to make it happen. Sometimes this means taking baby steps, and that is okay. When your baby comes, you will want to focus on caring for him/her, so don’t pressure yourself too much with other stressful thoughts. God knew that your life would take you to this point and he isn’t going to let you go. Trust him. He’s got you. If you need anyone to chat with feel free to message me. God bless! I’m praying for you. 💗
 
I don’t know if this is any consolation, but the most friends I ever made occurred after I had a baby.
JessErickson said:
I keep thinking “maybe I’m being over dramatic” or “I’m not really worth the money it would cost to get help.”
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Look at it this way - either A) you’re NOT being overly dramatic and would benefit from mental health counseling or B) you ARE being overly dramatic and would therefore benefit from mental health counseling. 🙂 I very strongly suspect that it’s the latter. Society is constantly trying to minimize women’s symptoms. In health care settings, it can be deadly when important symptoms get ignored.

What I’m saying in a roundabout way is to go ahead and take your needs seriously.
JessErickson said:
A few weeks ago, my husband (who is also a devout Catholic) and I discovered and we’re expecting a baby.
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Congratulations! How far along are you in your pregnancy? From a strictly practical standpoint, it is wise to start seeking out some local resources for new moms like La Leche League and new-mom groups sponsored by your hospital or midwife practice. Mom groups are a treasure not only to learn about raising babies and what works for different moms, but because they’ll often set up meal trains to bring you dinner during those hectic post-partum days. Your parish may have a similar ministry.

Out of the 50+ women you meet, 1-2 may become good friends, and that’s great! I’ve met my dearest friends through mom-and-baby groups and later through toddler and preschool play groups.They won’t all be Catholic, but one that I met is devoutly Catholic and got me into homeschooling. You never know whom God will place in your life.

God bless!
 
Thank you so much for the encouragement. I did write that post in one of my down moods; you’re very perceptive. I’m currently working seasonally at the company my husband’s family owns so I’ll be decently busy through October, but it worried me that after only a few days off I was feeling so isolated. Hopefully with yours and others’ suggestions I can pull through. Thank you for responding and I’ll be praying for you too! ❤️
 
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Thank you so much for the valuable suggestions! I am only 7 weeks along so it’s still very early, and I don’t have my first doctor’s visit till the end of October, but when I do go I’ll make sure to speak with the doctor about my symptoms and ask her for resources like those groups you mentioned, which would really be a saving grace to help with the loneliness.
 
Hi, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way as well. I do have access to a vehicle, I just have no where to go! Sticking to a tight budget doesn’t help matters. I like your suggestions, and I’ll definitely keep searching for possibilities through the nearby parish and the hospital. Thank you again and God bless
 
thanks you!

I am happy that you can moove!

some activities are almost cost free, with having to pay for food or transportations only, for eg a meal following by a study of the Bible, some meetings for youngs mothers etc…That’s what I do, when it is available to me (because of the children and the distance/transportation that can be problematic).
That’s a good idea to seek through the hospital. They may need volunteers or offers some meetings for pregnant mothers/youngs mothers, or maybe some psychological support. For eg, I am followed by the psychologist of the obstretrical unity, for free, so it is a luck.

Another idea is to see what is available to the diocesan level.

I understand that your family and your few friends are very far away… If you can offer them sleep, you may invit them some days to your home? It is also an idea to prepare for the birth, and very important to have help at home after the birth of your child. It can be very precious because some motehrs are completely exhausted with a newborn!

I pray that you will find news friends soon!
 
  1. Make an appointment for counseling asap.
  2. Does your community have any sort of “newcomers” group for new families who have moved in. Small towns usually have something like this. Your chamber of commerce would know about it, or the receptionist at the bank would also likely know about it.
  3. Keep the lines of communication open with your husband.
  4. When the new baby arrives, make the effort to meet other new moms. They’ll be lifesavers throughout motherhood.
Good Luck and congratulations on both your marriage and your new baby!
 
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