Feeling lost/hopeless. Pregnant, encouragment needed

[TheRealJuliane]

To answer a couple Qs. The reason I condem my husband and then defend him is simple. There has been a drastic change in him over the past 2-3 years. he was an entriely different person for the past 7 years of marriage, + the 4 years I knew him in high school. SOMETHING has changed. and I wanna find out what. Also maybe I should ahve been more specific in saying hopw many times a month this activity occurs to put things in perspective. Granted arguing him about taking his meds occurs prolly 1-2x a week, his spiraling of sad/angry/ etc behavior is once every 5- 6 weeks. It lasts for a 4 -7days and then he seems back to normal. and during these episodes of behavior id say 1 out of 4 end w him being angry enough to throw something at a wall or raise his voice at us. That is a small % of our lives and the children’s lives when the rest of the time he is more his ol normal self. The more i read and do research, tthe more it resembles bipolar to me. It cycles like bipoalr too. I can literally see when an ‘episode’ is coming by his language (he becomes a debbie downer) and because he looses motivation to do anything folllowed by lots of disorganized behavior and ideas of grandeur. when he is not having an episode of this behavior he doesnt use too much bad language, hardly drops the f bomb and is very patient and def more stable (his perosnality is a pendulum when he is cycling) I agree perhaps the best thing to do would be to leave …if only to get him to see how serious i am that he needs help and needs to take his meds. But i really just 100% DO NOT agree that he is an abusive person. or that we have an abusive marriage as someone else stated. the majority of the time is spent enjoying eachothers company, working hard, and home schooling the kids togther. I came on here and wrote the original post directly after an episode of hiswhich i think is why it is wriotten so raw. the last episode befoe that was prolly 6 weeks ago and I dont know when the next one will be. but I certainly am not quick to lump him into a category of an alcoholic who abused his kids and daily threw things against walls and broke stuff etc. This is a man who works many hours a week, comes home to help hom,e school the children, helps w the house work, takes care of the children and makes dinner 4 nioghtts out of the week because I work 2nd shift and then has a 4-7 day period where he is depressed, wants to be left alone and doesnt even weanan get outa bed to get dressed or washed up in the AM. there is a problem. he is cycling. he is having very definite episodes of this repeatative behavior, and I intend to get to the bottom of it.

Well I wondered when you posted about his business and how he changed…That would be very typical of bi-polar. I have read about and heard from many sources including therapists that bi-polars are very hard to treat, because taking the meds means they give up their mania which is like being on a drug high. I don’t mean to scare you but bi-polars are also at a much higher risk of suicide because of that problem - when they lose the mania, they don’t always lose the depression and they frequently have enough energy to actually get the deed done.

Can you talk to his psychiatrist and let him know that your husband is not taking his meds? I sure wish you all the best. But I still think that separation should not be off the table. He does need to know that his behavior is not acceptable and that for the good of his children and you, he needs to take care of himself and stop the cycling in and out.

Even occasional violent episodes scar children.

 

[aicirt]

Sounds as if he’s bi-polar to me too.

Talk to his doctor, talk to your local battered women’s shelter (yes, throwing things and screaming is abuse and you’ve suffered financial abuse too).

You are carrying a baby and you need to protect him and the other kids. Walking on egg shells is not a life.

 

[lmc16]

I am very sorry about your situation. You will be in my prayers.

Your husband sounds just like my father. For years, I lived in constant fear of my father and was always walking on eggshells. His episodes and outbursts ruined our relationship, and while I still love him, I learned to love him from a distance. My mother tried desperately to get him help but he was so set in his ways and stubborn that she finally legally divorced him. Living with him was just not doable anymore. Looking back, I can see just how strong my mother was. She tried and she tried to get him to open his eyes, but in the end she realized that is work that only God can do. I now realize that she left him out of total love. Unfortunately, my dad still hasn’t changed even after the divorce and he still tries to control my brothers and me. But not living with him has changed my life, the life of my siblings, and my mother’s life. I consider it a blessing that she left him because we no longer live in fear.

 I'm not telling you to leave your husband. You need to do what you think is best for your children because you have a moral and legal obligation to keep them from danger. Maybe give counseling one last shot (I know you said no to this, but maybe if legal separation is something you are considering, it wouldn't be a bad idea).

Lastly, remember that God loves you and will not abandon you. Make sure your children know this too. Sometimes things go wrong in life because God is trying to strengthen your (or in this case, your husband's) faith in him. 

You are a strong person and I really admire your devotion to your family. Keep the faith and know that many are praying for you, myself included. God bless you.

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t know enough about bi-polar to comment on that.

But even if that is what it is, I still think you are in denial about the effect it is having on you and on your family. Some of us see it as abusive, you don’t because it is not often or because it is caused by his possible bi-polar.

Regardless of that, you need to get him to see that the problem is serious. And that may take giving him the ultimateum that he **gets help **or he gets out. (At least for a while til he gets the help.) What you and he are doing now is not working. You need to do something else.