Feeling nervous about moving out: Is this a sign that I'm making the wrong move?

[MeghanElizC]

A few months ago, I posted a question asking for advice on whether or not I should move away from my dysfunctional family, as I feel my father is emotionally abusive and even violent. This is the link to the question: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=959120. I received some great advice about the nature of my situation and I frequently read through it to give me strength. (please visit the link to get more background on my situation, if you would like).

I think what my problem is now is that I am very nervous that I am making a huge mistake by moving out of my parents’ house. I have two years left in my university degree and then plan on going off to law school which will require me to live away from home. I often wonder if I should just tough it out here and save my money until it is time to go. What I feel is a big issue for me is that sometimes I can’t see myself ever leaving. I am very sad and scared here, especially fearing that I will end up in a loveless marriage like my parents’. I want to leave so that I can distance myself from the way they behave so I can become the person that I am meant to be. I want to be in touch with my emotions and not hiding from them.

I have been looking for a place to live next year, but have become quite discouraged because of how expensive it is and how little I am getting for my hard-earned money. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach and it is just pure fear. Sometimes I think it might be guilt, because my mom’s very good at making others feel guilty for things. I love my mom dearly, but her tendencies leave a hole in me.

I guess what I’m asking advice on is whether you think that I am making the right choice. Do you think what I’ve described is fear of taking this leap in life? And what if God thinks I’m making the wrong choice for not turning the other cheek? I need help. I’m so confused and nervous that I can’t even think about my predicament anymore. I really need your prayers. Thank you for your help.

 

[Xantippe]

A few months ago, I posted a question asking for advice on whether or not I should move away from my dysfunctional family, as I feel my father is emotionally abusive and even violent. This is the link to the question: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=959120. I received some great advice about the nature of my situation and I frequently read through it to give me strength. (please visit the link to get more background on my situation, if you would like).

I think what my problem is now is that I am very nervous that I am making a huge mistake by moving out of my parents’ house. I have two years left in my university degree and then plan on going off to law school which will require me to live away from home. I often wonder if I should just tough it out here and save my money until it is time to go. What I feel is a big issue for me is that sometimes I can’t see myself ever leaving. I am very sad and scared here, especially fearing that I will end up in a loveless marriage like my parents’. I want to leave so that I can distance myself from the way they behave so I can become the person that I am meant to be. I want to be in touch with my emotions and not hiding from them.

I have been looking for a place to live next year, but have become quite discouraged because of how expensive it is and how little I am getting for my hard-earned money. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach and it is just pure fear. Sometimes I think it might be guilt, because my mom’s very good at making others feel guilty for things. I love my mom dearly, but her tendencies leave a hole in me.

I guess what I’m asking advice on is whether you think that I am making the right choice. Do you think what I’ve described is fear of taking this leap in life? And what if God thinks I’m making the wrong choice for not turning the other cheek? I need help. I’m so confused and nervous that I can’t even think about my predicament anymore. I really need your prayers. Thank you for your help.

Can you find a roommate situation? A big rent is much more manageable split between a group of young adults. Obviously, there are complications to living with a bunch of people, but unless we’re talking about Manhattan, it should be possible to have reasonable expenses.

Example:

A couple years ago, our family rented a four-bedroom 4-bath duplex unit of around 1700 square feet for $1450 a month in an area where the usual tenants are college students. That was very expensive for our family for a rental, but had there been four students renting the unit, each could have kicked in just $362.50 apiece. Had there been 8 students living there (tight, but not impossible), each could have been paying $181.25 a month.

Alternately, maybe you could find some sort of housesitting gig? We know a young graduate student that has minimized her housing costs by doing housesitting gigs for faculty. As an established undergraduate (hopefully a responsible one!) you might be a very promising candidate. Professors are always going on sabbaticals, visiting professorships, doing summer seminars, etc. If you get the word out (perhaps by talking to your departmental secretary), you may be surprised what happens.

Alternately, you could nanny for a professional family with older children. Getting kids off to school in the morning with lunches packed and taking care of afternoon activities and homework supervision could fit well with a normal college schedule.

If your mental health is on the line (and it sounds like it is), it’s worth a lot of money to get you out of the house fast.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is hard to get a horse out of a burning barn. Everyone is nervous when they move away from home, excepting people who are so intent on running away that they leave without even knowing where they’re going. The expense is a real issue; I’d look for renting a place with other people.

 

[frangiuliano115]

My brother, who is now 50, was in the same situation you find yourself in. He was also afraid to move out for all the same reasons; fear of the unknown, feelings of guilt, the expense, etc.
It’s very difficult for anyone to give advice since everyone is in a totally different situation. I can only tell you that now my brother says he made a mistake by staying at home and should have moved out before he did at the age of 34.

You never feel ready to do anything in life; you become ready when you have to.

God bless you as you seek to know the best thing for yourself.

Fran

 

[Viki63]

I moved out with a year to go in college. My parents cut off their support, but my roommate’s dad loaned me the money to finish college.
It was very frightening, but I knew I had to go. There comes a time when you just know that it’s time, and you have to go for your own sake.
Once you have been on your own for awhile, you will feel more secure in your decision. Things will become clearer for you.
We are praying for your success. God wants you to have a healthy and happy life, and become the person He intends you to be.
God bless.

.

 

[Isca]

My brother, who is now 50, was in the same situation you find yourself in. He was also afraid to move out for all the same reasons; fear of the unknown, feelings of guilt, the expense, etc.
It’s very difficult for anyone to give advice since everyone is in a totally different situation. I can only tell you that now my brother says he made a mistake by staying at home and should have moved out before he did at the age of 34.

You never feel ready to do anything in life; you become ready when you have to.

God bless you as you seek to know the best thing for yourself.

Fran

This is a wise answer. Many people (myself included) put up with bad domestic situations rather than grasping the nettle and moving on with the adventure that is life. In my previous marriage, it took me about 20 years to realise that. All the things you worry about now when considering the unknown will no doubt fall into place when you actually make the move. The expense is an issue but as others have said, you can often rent a room in a shared house.

Some people are capable of tolerating an enormous amount of unpleasantness before enough is enough. Be kind to yourself, you are worth it.

 

[Operalan]

To paraphrase Lou Holtz, “We shouldn’t fear change…without change, we don’t grow.”

Being apprehensive about moving is normal.