L
LAX87
Guest
Good evening all,
I feel like I’ve let my father down and I’m sliding back down into depression.
My background:
Used to live a party 24/7 lifestyle, drug user, openly gay etc. Been clean (and chaste) for several months now…
I posted previously about my spiritual director, who seemed to be pushing me towards dating (women, obviously!). I let him know I want guidance on how to live chastely, and he now understands…and he has been tremendously helpful. I was doing pretty well, until this weekend
This weekend, I went home for my mother’s birthday. I do not have a very good relationship with my mother, but I do attend birthdays and holidays.
I do, however, have a great relationship with my father – which is apparently the opposite for most gay men.
My father and I always play catch in the yard when I come home…we were throwing the ball around, and he said to me…*You know, I always thought I would eventually be playing catch, with your son, but I guess that won’t ever happen…"…and not in a accusatory or angry way, just an off-hand remark.
I don’t know – maybe it was because the ONLY thing I’ve ever enjoyed, and the ONLY thing I’ve ever been good at was baseball…and all my happy memories involve my father and baseball…but it just hit me really hard. I laughed…but inside…it really hit me. I mean, it destroyed me. My father is my best friend. I feel like I’ve let him down.
On Sunday, I hung out with some friends from high school, and it was even worse…it just reminded me of how much better my life was…10 years ago, in high school. Could that be anymore pathetic? Isn’t that a stock comedy character – the loser who pines for his high school glory days?
I was (am) careening between angry at…pretty much everyone…and crushingly depressed. I know I shouldn’t be like this, but I can’t help it. I just get some emotional and wound up that I can’t think straight.
I feel horrible – like I’ve let my father down. I don’t know. Have I? Should I even ask him?
Additionally, is it worth seeing a therapist (preferably one w/a Christian background) in addition to my spiritual director? Has anyone had good experiences with this – learning how to control and deal with negative emotions?
I feel like I’ve let my father down and I’m sliding back down into depression.
My background:
Used to live a party 24/7 lifestyle, drug user, openly gay etc. Been clean (and chaste) for several months now…
I posted previously about my spiritual director, who seemed to be pushing me towards dating (women, obviously!). I let him know I want guidance on how to live chastely, and he now understands…and he has been tremendously helpful. I was doing pretty well, until this weekend
This weekend, I went home for my mother’s birthday. I do not have a very good relationship with my mother, but I do attend birthdays and holidays.
I do, however, have a great relationship with my father – which is apparently the opposite for most gay men.
My father and I always play catch in the yard when I come home…we were throwing the ball around, and he said to me…*You know, I always thought I would eventually be playing catch, with your son, but I guess that won’t ever happen…"…and not in a accusatory or angry way, just an off-hand remark.
I don’t know – maybe it was because the ONLY thing I’ve ever enjoyed, and the ONLY thing I’ve ever been good at was baseball…and all my happy memories involve my father and baseball…but it just hit me really hard. I laughed…but inside…it really hit me. I mean, it destroyed me. My father is my best friend. I feel like I’ve let him down.
On Sunday, I hung out with some friends from high school, and it was even worse…it just reminded me of how much better my life was…10 years ago, in high school. Could that be anymore pathetic? Isn’t that a stock comedy character – the loser who pines for his high school glory days?
I was (am) careening between angry at…pretty much everyone…and crushingly depressed. I know I shouldn’t be like this, but I can’t help it. I just get some emotional and wound up that I can’t think straight.
I feel horrible – like I’ve let my father down. I don’t know. Have I? Should I even ask him?
Additionally, is it worth seeing a therapist (preferably one w/a Christian background) in addition to my spiritual director? Has anyone had good experiences with this – learning how to control and deal with negative emotions?
Agreed. Talk to your Dad. Good luck.