Feeling Rage and Hate Towards my Family

[terrytango]

My mother neglected, emotionally abused and manipulated me for 18 years. She never changed but I didn’t cut her off because I loved her. I never used to feel angry. I felt sorry for her more than anything. But I’ve never really felt like I have any family. Sometimes the emptiness and lack of love in my life from my parents was too much to bear. I was very depressed and suicidal after I left home and I still struggle.

I decided recently to confront my mother and tell her the truth about how I feel about my childhood. I was very emotional but I also told her I want to make a healthy relationship with her but we’d have to go to therapy and build our relationship that way; I told her I needed her to acknowledge what happened because whenever I tried to bring it up before she either ignored or dismissed me by saying I didn’t know what real suffering was, because her life is much harder than mine. I know she suffered and she isn’t evil, but it can’t really change what happened or make it acceptable.

She completely rejected me and wants nothing to do with me anymore. Until now my sister had always been my best friend and supported me through therapy. After this she came out and said that she has always said bad things about me behind my back. She confessed she never really liked me and that it was pretend. I feel so hurt and abandoned and betrayed.

Now I feel rage towards my mother and sister. How can they do this to me? I’m more angry with my sister than my mother, because I tried so hard to take care of her. I bought her books, a printer and notepads because she had no money. I helped her find her uni course and enrol. I gave her money whenever she couldn’t afford food and whenever she asked. I feel used and hurt. All that time she never even cared for me that much. At any mention of them I feel intense rage. I feel like my sister has made me a fool for believing we were close. I can’t seem to let these feelings go. I feel like I’m falling deeper into sin. My priest says I have to feel these things to let it out of my system, but I feel so plagued by guilt for not just being calm and loving them. I used to just wish they could be at peace because I know they aren’t happy people. I cared about them no matter what happened. Now I can’t bring myself to wish good things for them. I even feel like I want some justice dealt out to them. I want to know they were punished for what they did, basically like revenge. I want them to know they deserve it.

I want to go to confession, but how can I promise not to sin again when I don’t even know how to stop? I want to take communion but I can’t like this. I feel trapped, how can I make the anger go away? I don’t want to sin and I wish I thought good things and wished good things for my mother and sister but in my head I picture them laughing at me and I feel so angry again. Then I see the image of them suffering like I suffered and it feels so fair. I guess this is pride. I just want to know what I’m supposed to do in this situation, I feel ashamed to admit this to people because I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.

 

[heidi_storage]

Hon, I’m sorry. Expect nothing of your relatives. Your way forward will depend on your continual acceptance of this fact.

It sounds like you’re doing a good job trying to deal with your feelings–you don’t like them and don’t want them. This in itself does not make them go away, but coming to God and asking him to replace anger and bitterness with peace and forgiveness is the right thing to do. Healing can sometimes take time. If you believe it would help you to discuss your feelings with a therapist, that is an option, but when you get angry stop, recognize “I am feeling angry,” don’t start flagellating yourself, and don’t try to hold onto the anger. Pray for your mom and sister even when you don’t “feel” it–the prayer will help, nonetheless.

I recommend Psalm 55, which David wrote when his former friend and counselor betrayed him. Know that God is faithful and WILL sustain you, even when you feel lost alone.

 

[Lee1]

So St Francis is walking through the woods and suddenly he’s pounced upon by three robbers who take everything he has, which wasn’t much, and leave him naked and bruised and totally broke. He jumps to his feet and singing Gods praises he carries on. What! Why was he singing and happy, because he thanked God for the lesson, helping him to be humble and detached from material things, including material!

When someone is nasty to me I just love the idea that they’re doing God’s work unbeknowns to them, especially if they’re atheists.

It helps me to move on, and maybe even as a better Catholic.

As Heidi says, expect nothing, and I’d add give without thought of reward. It’s nice and simple that way too.

 

[guanophore]

I feel so hurt and abandoned and betrayed.

With good reason!

Now I feel rage towards my mother and sister. How can they do this to me? I’m more angry with my sister than my mother, because I tried so hard to take care of her.

It is a normal human response to feel this way when we are betrayed and rejected. It is especially difficult when it happens with the people we most want to have loving relationship.
The is where the saying came from “to err is human, to forgive is divine”. We have a much harder time forgiving when we feel such strong human emotions.

I feel used and hurt.

I wonder if Jesus did not feel the same way. Remember when He healed the 10 lepers and only one returned to thank Him?

I feel like my sister has made me a fool for believing we were close.

No relationship occurs without mixed feelings. She does care for you, and you were close. She has said and done some hurtful things, but that cannot take away the bond you have had.

My priest says I have to feel these things to let it out of my system, but I feel so plagued by guilt for not just being calm and loving them…I even feel like I want some justice dealt out to them.

Your priest is right, you do have to work through your emotions. Having feelings is not a sin. What creates sin is what we do with the emotions. Anger is a healthy response to your situation. The desire for justice is the sign of a healthy conscience. You have an inner sense of right and wrong. You know you have been wronged. Revenge is the natural human response to being wronged.

I don’t even know how to stop?

The answer is simple, but not easy. Forgiveness. Whenever you feel the rage (or even when you don’t) you must consciously forgive them, and pray for the grace to do so to the depth of your heart. Forgiveness is the cure for resentment. It will take a long time, because you have a lot of pent up emotion to work through, but if you actively practice forgiveness, you will heal from it. I think it is best to do it aloud, so your brain can hear you saying it. And pray for their repentance and reconciliation to God, even if your heart is not in it (yet).

I wish I thought good things and wished good things for my mother and sister

Ask that God will help you see them as He does, wounded but loved persons who need healing. Ask Him for His eyes, His heart. And recognize that it takes time for this to happen inside you (don’t be so judgmental with yourself that you have had a healthy and normal response).

 

[tuscany]

I am sorry you are in so much pain. ((HUG)). Yes, you need to get all your feelings out. Once they are all out, lay them out like on a table and really look at each of them. If there are any hurts there that in reality are not that big a deal, let them go, they aren’t worth anything. The ones you now have left are the big ones. It wounds deeply when someone who is supposed to love us, can’t or won’t. Your mom may have truly done the best she could with what her background was. Who really knows what was going on with your sister’s hurtful words, she probably doesn’t know either. But this is why we are not to judge others, WE don’t know what is going on in their hearts, only God does.

Since we don’t know the true motivation of others actions, we need to let God take these things on. If any of these people broke any of God’s Commandments in how they treated you, it is now between them and God, you aren’t even in the picture any more. THEY will have to stand before God and explain their actions to HIM and HE will hand out any punishment due. Who can keep better track of wrongs done to us, God who knows how many hairs are on each of our heads, or us, the ones who can’t remember where we put our car keys down.

When we let ourselves feel hate, rage or revenge, we give Satan more for him to relish and bathe in. He delights in it! Yes, we are human and wrongs done to us hurt badly. We have a choice in how we react to those wrongs. We can stay in one place, marinating in these wrongs done to us. We then have to lie to God when we say the Our Father prayer. We ask God to forgive us while we don’t forgive in return. Hate can consume you, it’s like you drinking poison, hoping the other guy dies. Nothing good in any of this. Or, you can say, yes, what they did hurt me, and I give it to God to take care of it, He’s the enforcer. I will move forward from all this and live my life. I will proudly be able to say the Our Father prayer and mean it. I will NOT give them that power to stop me from being honest when I say it. I move forward, opening the hand that I have been clutching all my hurts. I open that hand and let it all fly away. I take my freedom and power back to become the person God created me to be.

Whenever what has happened to you pops back into your thoughts, pray for that person. I mean it, keep praying until the thought goes away. Pretty soon the hurts will come back less and less. Does this mean you need to have a relationship with those who hurt you again? No, it doesn’t, even if the other person says “sorry” and wants to pick up things like they were before. You can, or you can realize that the relationship is now over, and to be around that person will be a near occasion of sin for you and possibly them. If that is the case, either verbally or in your heart, you wish them every good thing and happiness and let it all go. God bless you Honey.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Ouch.
I’m so sorry.
And praying for you and your poor tangled up family.

Families can get real messed up, and the pain and dysfunction can transmit through the generations.

Right now, you need to fix your own wounds,
You need physical distance from them.
Take it to the Lord in prayer, for yourself and for your family.
If you can get counseling, do so.
If you can’t afford or get to counseling, take this time to promote your own healing. Take time alone for you. Journal your feelings. Find some good inspirational books and some good books on family dysfunction (try Feeling and Healing Your Emotions by Conrad Baarns).
Don’t give in to hate.
Make sure you’re eating properly, getting enough sleep and exercise and fresh air and sunshine.
Don’t isolate yourself—enjoy the company of your family and friends that do care about you.

Peace

 

[Legend]

I see a lot of my own family issues in your situation. I’m not going to go into much detail (I’d have to write a novel-length post for that!) but…

Have you always felt the need to ‘fix’ things? Or, felt that the rest of your family didn’t feel deeply enough?

I’m not saying you were wrong, morally, for going to your mother, but I suspect it would never do much good. She may have seemed miserable…but was she comfortable with her situation? Was she dealing with it?

It sounds as if your mother and sister just didn’t want to think too deeply about their situations. They knew it wasn’t perfect, but they were dealing with it…enough for them to be comfortable. They’re probably angry because you tried, even charitably, to get them to deal with things they didn’t want to deal with.

On further reflection, they may realize that you meant well, and feel bad about how they treated you. But, at this point, other than praying for them, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself.

It may sound very ‘selfish’…I suppose, in a way, it is. But both you and they need time and space to heal. Think…you’re not neglecting them, you’re allowing them to take care of their wounds in the only way they know how!

I’m not saying your mother has no culpability in this…maybe, some day she will seek help. But, it has to start with her.

Your sister is probably embellishing her feelings, having to feel that she isn’t ‘siding’ with you, against your mother. I think that if you give her time, she may want to heal the relationship. But, don’t force her.

So, as I see it, the best thing you can do, for all involved, is work on becoming the best you can be. I don’t remember if you said you were in therapy or not. If so, get your therapist’s opinion, and work with him. If not, seriously think about going into therapy.

You are to be applauded for wanting to help your mom and sister. I’m just guessing…using my own past experience…that they weren’t ready to leave their own, flawed, comfort zones. Hope that things heal.
God Bless!

 

[terrytango]

Thank you everyone, I really wasn’t expecting such kind responses, I was crying while reading them. But what you’ve all said has helped in different ways, I’m so glad I posted now, God definitely needed me to see this. God bless you all :’)

 

[Rozellelily]

Hi @terrytango,

I’m really sorry that this is your situation.
As hard as it may be,Unfortunately,people are not able to give what they don’t have.
Your mother was raised in a bad environment by the sounds of it and continued the cycle.
I don’t think she’s in a position to offer compassionate or acknowledgement or regret.
Maybe the only thing you can do is have pity on her and accept she did the best she could with what she had.

 

[tuscany]

How are you doing terrytango? Still praying for you to get a little better each day. (((HUG)))

Blessed Mother, please intercede for us.
Hold the sorrowful-
Mother and love the weary, abused, neglected
or forgotten among us-
Give your aid to all needing help or healing-
Assist those who are sick, in pain or suffering-
Be with those needing peace-
Console the lonely or brokenhearted-
Comfort the lost or hopeless-
Strengthen the fearful-
Guard the unborn-
Pray for those who are dying or who have died-
Soften those with hardened hearts-
Enlighten those who do not yet see truth-
Help us be brave enough to let our hurt and anger go-
Show us the way to do the right thing-
Protect those who are in danger, and
Guide us from every evil.
May all who keep your sacred commemoration
experience the might of your assistance.
Amen

 

[SunshineGrandma]

I’m sorry to hear of your hurt and betrayal. So many people have personality and mental health issues.

Expect to grieve for a while. It took me two solid years, and lots of crying, to finally accept my sister’s betrayal. It’s just a fact now.

I pray for her every day so I can forgive her and hope she gets the help she needs. I need to pray or I become bitter.

I’ve learned to say thank you to God for all of my hardships because I have grown in my suffering.

 

[DarkLight]

I’m going through much of the same thing with my own mother. I loved her and wanted her to be there for me. But it’s become clearer and clearer that while she was happy enough to provide physically, emotionally I was being used as a target for her.

One thing to be careful of…in dysfunctional families, it’s often the case that one member is pushed to take on responsibilities that aren’t theirs. That can, in my experience, complicate the idea of forgiveness. Because we’re trained to accept what our parents do as good and right, even acknowledging the truth feels like we’re doing something wrong.

Children in emotionally abusive families are also often trained that emotions such as anger are always bad. Even that we’re bad people for feeling anything except like we’re calm and ready to keep giving and giving to people who use and abuse us. Like our normal human reactions of wanting to be loved and cared for and being hurt and angry at those who do wrong are sins. They are not. Anger is a proper response here.

I might see if you can arrange a longer visit with your priest, perhaps to discuss what actually is a sin.

 

[terrytango]

Just as an update for those wondering:

All my worries about not feeling better after confession turned out to be for nothing. I went to my priest for confession and told him all my worries and he said that he is certain God is also very angry for the things my family has done and whilst it isn’t a sin for me to be angry, I can let go of the anger by being certain that God has the perfect anger towards the situation as required and will handle all things in time. He talked for a while actually and it made me feel a lot better. After I walked out of confession I realised… I wasn’t angry anymore! I felt a peace in my heart, because it really comforted me to know that if there is any just anger to be had, then certainly that is with God and I don’t have to worry about there not being justice and I don’t have to carry my anger as a burden, I can just leave it with God. It suddenly felt much clearer to me in that moment. I’m so glad I went.

 

[terrytango]

Thank you so much, I feel your hugs (and your prayers!)

 

[JanetF]

In her voice is reflected God’s wisdom and you’ll learn to have faith, forgive, discern high tension situations, and above all love God more. I love Mother Angelica. She is really remarkable. .

I wish I could give multiple likes.

I’m sorry you have been so betrayed by your family. Anger is a normal part of grieving, and that is what you are going through. You are grieving the loss of your family.

I would suggest therapy to help you work through all the stages of your grief. I will be praying for you!