Feeling shut out at my church

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annamc

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I joined the Catholic Church in 2018. I had been attending services and felt compelled to join the church since half of my family is Catholic. Everything was great for so long. Then I noticed my friends at the church leave. Almost everyone I went to RCIA with left and won’t really have anything to do with me. De hecho, no one at the church addresses me when I do go. I have 2 jobs so it’s difficult to attend every week. I didn’t join to make friends, but am disappointed on what seems like a lot of infighting within the church. One of our pastors was called away. I stopped going after sitting next to a woman who id seem over a few years actually moved her purse like she thought I was going to steal from her. I left one church because of this behavior. I’m switching cathedrals. I loved the one I’m at, but now I’m uncomfortable around the people there. Am I just imagining this?
 
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I’m sorry that your current parish seems unfriendly, but God may be wanting some “face time” with you especially since you are occasionally missing Mass. (Mortal sin alert!) Sometimes, a person can feel really alone in the pews, but try to focus on Christ during the Mass and tune out the unfriendliness. BTW, I have experienced the old “move the purse away”, but just assumed that they were creating more space for me.
 
When I go, every other week, I go to one closer to my house. I hope I won’t have to have 2 jobs for much longer.
 
Try to go to a daily Mass as a substitute for the missed Sunday Mass. One time while talking to a priest, I mentioned that I valued a post-Mass ministry that I was missing Mass in order to prepare for it. The priest explained to me that missing Mass is a mortal sin and can lead to distance from God. I wonder if your feelings of isolation may be a result of missing Mass.
 
I often will move my purse, coat, or missal when someone sits near me - so I’m not so spread out and give them more room.
 
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I agree, that’s the most likely reason.

When one is nervous and watchful people sense that and feel one wishes to remain private.
I used to be awfully shy myself.
When we make our interactions about other people, less about ones own insecurity, more about giving friendliness, things go better.

I’m an introvert.
No one would guess because I’ve a warm smile, and am more alerted and concerned for others ease etc, whereas when I was younger, there were times when I couldn’t even speak if someone said ‘hello’.

It was the same with my Dad. The people at church labeled him an extrovert. He smiled and said, “no, an introvert. I just learned the skills”
And the basic skill is, not to worry about how others do or not regard you, but to think what to give to others … and amongst those is a warm smile, and making the interaction about them. And being genuine about it.

Therefore while I’m perfectly content with my own company and frequently prefer it … often our focus needs to be about others … who also have their hidden insecurities and inner loneliness, inner conflicts, losses, life traumas, and so on. People may seem to have everything under control.

Regarding self-esteem, I’ve thought of others and ourselves as like clouds. When you’re the cloud, it’s all misty and insubstantial.
When you look at other clouds, they have shapes, and apparent solidity,
But within themselves there’s at least some dampness and mistimes also.

In the end, we need to worry less about ourselves, and give some sunlight to others.
I don’t mean that you don’t. I’m just highlighting an emphasis x
 
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Volunteer more. If you’re a male join the Knights of Columbus. If you’re a female join the corresponding female sorority there. No better way to get to know your fellow parishioners then to volunteer at the church.
 
@annamc

I’m sorry that you’ve felt singled out. I’m thinking it was just the usual paraphernalia to which women are prone. 😀 Communities have urban sprawl and Churches have women’s sprawl! 😂 Cold, rainy weather is the worst, with not just a purse, but also an umbrella. Multiply that by at least three for every child she brought with her! In my case, add a Missal, umbrella, tissue, and cane.

I always try to pull things closer to me to allow more room for anyone entering the pew, but don’t believe I’ve ever done it because I feared theat person would steal from me.

However, many years ago, someone swiped wallets out of all the purses on the back row during Communion. That very large Cathedral-like Church with long aisles started the queue lines to the altar railing with the back rows. Some 60+ years later, since times seemed more innocent and honest back then, than now, I still take my purse with me if I leave the pew for Confession or Communion, and the rest of the time, I park it on the floor.
 
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annamc said:
I stopped going after sitting next to a woman who id seem over a few years actually moved her purse like she thought I was going to steal from her.
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You know, ascribing motives to others can lead to many wrong ideas and beliefs.

She moved her purse. Fact. Because she thought you were going to steal from her— not a fact. More likely it was to make more room in the pew when you sat down, it’s a way women are polite to others. This is a charitable interpretation of someone’s motives.

I do it when I’ve sat down in the pew first and my own husband comes into the pew, it’s kind of an automatic response.
annamc said:
Am I just imagining this?
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Probably.

People have their own cares and worries, they aren’t drumming up a conspiracy against you in their spare time.

If you are concerned, talk to the pastor.
 
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We don’t really have much control of what others think of us and frankly that shouldn’t be our chief concern.

People will think what they want to think.

I don’t really belong in my current parish but people do respond favorably when I smile and greet them. Also I do get along well with the pastor.

Thank God for small favors.
 
I reiterate what the others have said. It is probably a lot of your imagination so to speak yes, you feel maybe a bit uncomfortable in yourself perhaps because so many others left so worry about these things. Also don’t discount the fact that you may be being tempted to leave mass, we are all tempted at one point or another to not go. The enemy would like nothing better than to stop everyone going to mass, because it’s the best thing for us. So stand firm and go even if it’s a challenge. As you recognise, you aren’t there to make friends. Go for God and love him with all your heart and soul and once you get used to doing that, the enemy will leave you alone and his love will shine through you and you never know what will happen with those around you. I would not worry about their perceived unfriendliness, it could be just how you are seeing things while you are working so hard, perhaps once you are less stressed things will look more friendly in the world. I agree with the volunteering suggestion, once you aren’t working so much, give that a consideration, even if it’s just a welcomer if you have those in your country. (presuming you are in US I’ve not heard them mentioned but it’s an easy role with very little time commitment - just handing out hymn books at the start of mass and collecting them in, but you get to greet everyone coming in so you meet people- good fun)
 
I think moving the purse was probably more an attempted polite “making room for you on the pew” sort of gesture than a protective one. I’ve seen people do it in that manner before.
 
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Trishie said:
And the basic skill is, not to worry about how others do or not regard you, but to think what to give to others … and amongst those is a warm smile, and making the interaction about them. And being genuine about it.
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Excellent advice and something I’ve learned over the years myself!
 
I’ve moved my bag, coat, missal etc when someone has sat next to me too. I honestly did it to give the person more room.

I’m also someone who is hyper aware of people around me during Mass and Adoration (mostly because I’m not Catholic yet), so I understand where you are coming from. One of the most liberating things for me has been being given the realisation that no one there is judging me, they’re their to spend time with Our Lord - just like you and me.

I work full time and am doing a post grad degree so am in a similar situation - I struggle to find time to volunteer and get involved at the parish to make friends. Sometimes it is a lonely road - I feel for you. Things will change.
 
Hey Friend.
Peace be with you!

I’m a 19yo non white catholic male. My parish at San Diego is majority white. You know where this is going. Although the front of the church is crowded, when I sit in a pew at the front, no one sits next to me. I pretty much have the entire pew to myself. It sends a message.

One family broke the ice and filled my pew. But that was only once. Most of the time, I’m either alone, or someone sits at the faaaar end of the pew.

It’s okay. I go for God. Not for man.

Peace! 😊

BTW: I joined my church choir! Now although I stand alone, it feels a little better lol It’s just me and the pianist up front 😊. But hey, I’m closer to Jesus. Try to get involved in an activity!!

Just remember, skin color, wealth etc. don’t matter to Jesus. We came with nothing, and when we leave Earth, we will leave just as we came - empty handed.
 
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It took me a while to make friends and get to know people at my parish. My choosing to get involved made all the difference. Reaching out to others often breaks the ice in a parish where many of the people have known each other for a long time. I was the new guy. They warmly received me when I showed them some warmth. They aren’t always the problem. Sometimes it’s the person in the mirror.
 
My sister attends Mass at a parish with a heavy Latino migrant farm worker population. The priest dispenses a LOT of people during harvest season; it’s pretty much a common understanding that they either go to work or lose their work. Before presuming that this woman is sinning mortally, we should consider that she and the priest will have a better idea of the context in which she’s missing Mass.
annamc said:
Am I just imagining this?
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This was my experience. My criticism of our Catholic culture is that we do a GREAT job forming networks and a poor job forming communities. Whenever I interact with anyone at my parish, it’s always in a business-like context. (Did you sign up for the bake sale? Could you help out with VBS? Have you contacted Father Priest’s secretary about X, Y, and Z?) I don’t have any personal friendships with my fellow/sister parishioners. And that’s sadly not at all uncommon.
 
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OurGodIsWithUs said:
I’m a 19yo non white catholic male. My parish at San Diego is majority white. You know where this is going. Although the front of the church is crowded, when I sit in a pew at the front, no one sits next to me. I pretty much have the entire pew to myself. It sends a message.
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I am genuinely shocked by this. I know about unconscious bias, but I genuinely don’t think it would occur to me, even unconsciously, to avoid sitting next to somebody who wasn’t white. Not that it would be possible where I come from anyway.
 
Hey there!
Thanks for your thoughts!

I don’t want to portray them in a bad light.
They seem to be super nice to each other! Maybe they’re not used to having my kind around, it is a rather affluent neighborhood.
I don’t hold anything against them lol. I break the ice by shaking hands with a smile during the ‘peace be with you.’ I love it when the other person smiles back. 😊

Peace
 
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