Feeling trapped and cornered in such a toxic relationship with my mother

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Im 26, live at home with her and I work and currently trying to go to school (Im trying the nursing route). It seems AT LEAST ONCE a week I get into a heated back and forth with her. We never had a good relationship going back as far as 10-12 Yo. She had 6 kids from 3 relationships (I dont call them marriages because she never married in a church). My stepdad went to prison over 5 years ago, she divorced him several months ago and the past 2-3 years shes been trying to get her new bf/ “Husband” out of prison. We argue over money, my being 26 still living at home (She sees it as a disgrace), how im getting out as soon as her hubby gets out, how She doesnt want me at her funeral which shes said more than once…its that kind of relationship

Shes 60yo and she is currently the main bread earner of the house. I help her by keeping the lights on and as affordable as I can. I also help with the gas from time to time. I also give her some money every week (I try to). other than that Im very independent. I drive a used car, I pay for my own credit card, car insurance, phone, internet, and school. I understand that she is most likely stressed and even lonely but I feel very trapped and useless right now. I have had spiritual relapses in my faith but I came back strong to my faith for the past 7 months almost. I never stopped believing in God and the Church, it’s just that life happens ya know?

My toxic relationship with my own mom i feel is crippling my ability to Grow in my relationship with the Blessed Mother. I feel more at ease with her and I believe she knows me more than my own mom ever will. I am getting sick of confessing to my priest every week or bi weekly that I argued and dishonored my mom because it gives off the impression that Im not even trying to amend my life and not considering the temporal punishment

I keep saying I want/have to move but the other side of me is telling me to keep bearing these pains because I most likely wont survive on my own as a student in New Jersey (The cost of living here is barbaric). Is there any Catholics on here that have had really bad relationships with parents? How do I over come this suffering and emotional stress? I pray to my guardian angel and Mary every day for protection and help but I feel like Im missing something that they might be trying to tell me 😦
 
I think your relationship with your own mother might improve if you did not live with her.

I don’t know how much longer you will be in school, but I think you would be better off taking on some loans/student debt and just moving out. It won’t be long, and you can find a roommate and share expenses.
 
As an adult child of a toxic mother, all I can say is that in all of this, you are the only one you can control. You can’t change your mother. You can’t change her choices of men. You can’t control how she treats you. You can’t make her be a nicer person. And, as much as you want to, you can’t make her be the mother you deserve. You can, however, control how you react to what she does.

The best thing you can do is become completely financially independent and move into your own place. Work on making that happen. In this day and age, there are more ways than ever to make money online—on your time, your schedule, without ever leaving your house. You can work around your school schedule and bring in decent $.

Being financially independent is so very crucial when you have toxic parents. Looking back, I so wish I had been financially independent when I turned 18 so my parents wouldn’t have been able to control me with money like they did. When you’re paying the bills, you are your own person. The minute you have to rely on Mom and Dad for money, they are able to call all the shots.
AltarSoldier said:
My toxic relationship with my own mom i feel is crippling my ability to Grow in my relationship with the Blessed Mother.
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It doesn’t have to cripple it. You can choose not to allow it to cripple it. I’m sorry your mother is this way. You deserve to have a mother who isn’t toxic. But once again, you can’t change her. You can change your own reaction to how she behaves.
 
I’m sorry you have a bad situation with your mom, but at age 26 and with no reason to be dependent (like you’re not physically unwell needing her to be your caregiver, etc) you can and should move out. The cost of living is always high; people who have limited funds generally live with roommates or get a room in a shared group home.

My mom wasn’t toxic and didn’t have a man friend in prison etc but at age 26 if I’d been living with her, we would have been having one blowup per week also. Some parent -child relationships improve when the two people aren’t in each other’s hair all the time, and once a person hits their mid-20s it’s time to be independent and not rely on a parent pushing retirement age to be the “main breadwinner”.

If you choose to stay with her temporarily while you finish your schooling or whatever, you need to have a plan and a timetable for when you’re leaving and stick to it. You also have to learn to let whatever she says and does just roll off you and not be getting upset all the time.
 
I get that money is tight, but you’re far from the first person who needs to pay rent while going to school. Get another job, take student loans, look for a roommate, etc.

At 26 you really should be living on your own. Your mother is clearly troubled (her continuing to be involved with guys in prison is not a good sign) and I think you need a little distance for the time being.
 
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Are you in an LPN program that can segue into an RN? That’s what I did (granted, a looong time ago) and it worked well. I worked as an LPN while getting my RN and the whole thing only took 3 years. I took out a bank loan and paid it off within a few years.

Perhaps you could find another nursing student to share a room with. Getting out on your own seems ideal.
 
I’m sorry for your circumstances. Best wishes in finding other living accommodations.

Sometimes there’s an elderly woman or couple who would welcome a young person in their home. Your presence could mean that they could remain in their home, rather than need to move into a nursing home.

Ask your priest if he knows of anyone who might accept housekeeping chores and/or yard work, grocery runs, etc, in exchange for living with them, with or without a small amount of rent money. You’d be helping them and they’d be helping you.

Share your predicament with your priest. He may not know of a workable situation today, but he’ll be alert to any such situation if he knows you’re looking. Most priests are like radar and pretty well know the community pulse—they’re fonts of information.

Please let us know when you’ve successfully made arrangements to leave! 😃 In the meantime, I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
I am sorry that your mother feel you to make so low. I know from experience that being a depend adult is hard, but sometimes we don’t have a lot of smart choice.

I think you need to be realistic. Mooving out is the best solution for these kind of situations, but is would be the best solution for you only if you can afford it.

Can you afford it?

I don’t agree with those you said you have to take another debt. It is not wise to have too much debt, and would be a great burden when you want to marry without burden your spouse. I know it is very cultural in US, but definitely not advisable.

I also don’t agree that you need to have a second job. Cumulating a job+school is enough. Students who work too much outside the school have more risk to not pass their exams. If it happened to you, what would you do?

You need to save as money as you can, work hard in school, and have a job, keep a low profile and don’t criticize your mother’s choice, and to moove out as soon as you will have your first “true” job.
 
It sounds like you are covering your own costs, but not much more. Start paying actual rent to your mother every month. It’s OK if it’s below what renting a room elsewhere would cost. This is a good first step to prep for moving out on your own, and it helps her while you are home.

I think this will tweak the dynamics of your relationship towards the positive.
 
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