Feeling two pulls

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mercer87

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Hello,
I am a 22 year old man in Pennsylvania who is in a relationship and I feel the desire to marry my girlfriend when we both graduate. We have discussed this and she feels the same way. We actually got together largely because she called to check on me because I missed Sunday Mass due to sickness (we’ve known each other since we were kids). About a week later we shyly asked each other out out and we’ve been together since then (about a year and a half). We had been attracted to each other for years but neither of us were actively seeking a relationship, which leads me to think this was an intervention from the Lord.

If we hadn’t gotten together, I would be at the seminary right now. However, my desire to become a priest has grown stronger as our relationship has grown deeper. I have been considering the priesthood since I was 16. But I am too emotionally attached (even bonded) to my girl to consider leaving her, and I would never forgive myself if I would break her heart like that, which would not be good for my ability to minister as a priest. Also, her involvment in my life has given me someone to share my faith with and has helped me tremendously in my attempts to expand it. As such, my frustration is growing with the rules governing priestly celibacy (we have remained celibate in our relationship until we marry, by mutual agreement), and it grew even higher when I read a story in the bulletin concerning a father (still married) and son who had been Anglican priests and converted to Catholicism and were ordained Catholic priests and concelebrated Christmas Mass. I know it’s a bad and spiritually unhealthy feeling, but I felt (and still feel) like the older son in the Prodigal story. “I’ve been a loyal, active Catholic boy for years, but because I’m in love the fatted calf is held from me. Yet when the prodigals return, they receive it.” I admit I have fallen into the sins of jealousy and envy. They have what I can’t have.

She knows about this and has advised me to enter the diaconate program when I’m old enough and we’re married, but I don’t feel a diaconal vocation right now (I believe the diaconate and priesthood are two separate vocations). I may as I get older, but as of now the call to the priesthood is gnawing at me. It seems as if I’d be a deacon for the wrong reason, i.e., I can’t be a priest, but I can be a deacon so I’ll go that route. It’d be like I was just “settling” to be one.

I feel saddened because I really want to serve as a priest and I feel called to do so, but the attitude I get from the Church is that since I have the temerity to require a woman’s love to be complete as a person I am “unworthy” of the priesthood. I went to a Catholic all-boys high school, and many of my classmates feel this way. Many young men in my class wanted to serve the Lord as ordained ministers, but they were put off from it. Not by celibacy itself, but the attitude that surrounded it.

I would appreciate any help that can be offered, as I feel like I may explode soon.

Edward
 
I can understand somewhat the level of uncertainty you are going through. Although I am not in a relationship myself, and never have been, I have always thought I was going to be married to a good Catholic man when I grew up. Then, 2 years ago, I was called to the vocation of being a Carmelite nun. It confused me very much because I wondered why God was calling me to abandon the idea of being a wife and mother and become “locked away” in the cloister. How could I possibly do something like that? Couldn’t I serve Him even though I had a family? The answer was yes, I could. But, the peace I felt when I thought of being a nun settled within me and I became convinced that my calling to the supernatural vocation in religious life is real and I wanted to pursue it with all my might.

You are facing a very real challenge. Obviously, God has put a desire in your heart to know Him and serve Him, and you could do this either as a priest or a husband and father. They are separate and unique vocations, but you have to choose which is greater and worthwhile. I know it may seem like agony to break up with your girlfriend, but God calls us to something greater through our baptismal vows, and for some, it’s to be a spiritual father as a priest. What you must ask yourself is, if you are sure you are called to be a priest, would you be willing to turn away from God’s request for you to deny yourself and your natural vocation as a husband and father to do your will instead? A few weeks ago, we were given a scriptural message that I think very much applies here:
“If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose his own soul?”–Luke 9:23-25
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Are you willing to lose your true vocation–the only thing that would make you the most happy in this world? If the woman you are dating is as virtuous as you describe, you should be able to explain your dilemma to her. Perhaps you should consider taking a year apart to discern what the Lord is truly calling you to? My uncle and aunt did this because they were relying on each other too much. They didn’t know if it was right for them to get married, so they separated with the intention of pursuing their own interests and seeing where they were in a year. They decided it was love, not lust, and got married. Their relationship is much stronger now because they know they can live without each other, but they are even better together.

You are right that a call to be a deacon is much different than a priest. It is not a solution to your problem. Each vocation is separate. Of course, you can be married and be a deacon, but you sound very sure of your calling to be a priest.

Take some time and think about it. Get yourself a very good spiritual director if you do not already have one. I think the best thing is to go to the seminary, for at least a year, and then if you are sure that it is not your calling, then marry your girlfriend, not before that. You can always change your mind in the seminary. It is very hard to change your mind when you are married.

I hope this helps you. God bless and be with you! I’ll ask Padre Pio to say some prayers for you since it is his feast day. 🙂
 
CarmeliteGirl25 said:
I can understand somewhat the level of uncertainty you are going through. Although I am not in a relationship myself, and never have been, I have always thought I was going to be married to a good Catholic man when I grew up. Then, 2 years ago, I was called to the vocation of being a Carmelite nun. It confused me very much because I wondered why God was calling me to abandon the idea of being a wife and mother and become “locked away” in the cloister. How could I possibly do something like that? Couldn’t I serve Him even though I had a family? The answer was yes, I could. But, the peace I felt when I thought of being a nun settled within me and I became convinced that my calling to the supernatural vocation in religious life is real and I wanted to pursue it with all my might.

You are facing a very real challenge. Obviously, God has put a desire in your heart to know Him and serve Him, and you could do this either as a priest or a husband and father. They are separate and unique vocations, but you have to choose which is greater and worthwhile. I know it may seem like agony to break up with your girlfriend, but God calls us to something greater through our baptismal vows, and for some, it’s to be a spiritual father as a priest. What you must ask yourself is, if you are sure you are called to be a priest, would you be willing to turn away from God’s request for you to deny yourself and your natural vocation as a husband and father to do your will instead? A few weeks ago, we were given a scriptural message that I think very much applies here:

Are you willing to lose your true vocation–the only thing that would make you the most happy in this world? If the woman you are dating is as virtuous as you describe, you should be able to explain your dilemma to her. Perhaps you should consider taking a year apart to discern what the Lord is truly calling you to? My uncle and aunt did this because they were relying on each other too much. They didn’t know if it was right for them to get married, so they separated with the intention of pursuing their own interests and seeing where they were in a year. They decided it was love, not lust, and got married. Their relationship is much stronger now because they know they can live without each other, but they are even better together.

You are right that a call to be a deacon is much different than a priest. It is not a solution to your problem. Each vocation is separate. Of course, you can be married and be a deacon, but you sound very sure of your calling to be a priest.

Take some time and think about it. Get yourself a very good spiritual director if you do not already have one. I think the best thing is to go to the seminary, for at least a year, and then if you are sure that it is not your calling, then marry your girlfriend, not before that. You can always change your mind in the seminary. It is very hard to change your mind when you are married.

I hope this helps you. God bless and be with you! I’ll ask Padre Pio to say some prayers for you since it is his feast day. 🙂
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The problem is that spiritual mentors are very few & far between. Nobody seems to want to get involved. I’m in a new parish, other than the one I was confirmed in after RCIA because the priest was just not the one on one sort. Never answered messages, etc. I’m on my own & serving as my own spiritual guide listening to the wind essentially. I doubt I’m called to be a priest, I’m in the military (the reserves now) I have a mind for mentoring, tactics & strategy. In the year and a half I’ve been catholic I taught 6th grade catechism for 6 months, & have become quite good at apologetics. I see myself perhaps being a deacon instead of a priest because I want to raise a family more than anything. (it’s up there with wanting to finish my degree.) I am also looking into going to a Catholic or Jesuit college or university. I have the GI bill but I’m not sure that’ll cover it. who knows. I want a traditional higher education & I want to put it to use. I’m maybe thinking theology. who knows…I wanted to get it in electrical engineering, but I find myself in books all day long doing my own research & self learning. Not sure if Theology is a way to make any sort of living, but it’s what makes the sun go up and down much quicker for me. Time just zips by because I get so engrossed in it. Anyway, There’s a certain purpose I’m to serve, I know that for certain. I’ve served my country, & I think I’m being called to serve the church. My feisty nature & head for apologetics along with my military background (which for some reason ups credebility by 10 points(LOL) ) I think there is some purpose for me vocationally in the church, but I’m not sure. If she sends me to college, I’ll do whatever she asks, LOL!
 
I once found myself in a very similar situation. I had a girlfriend and I was discerning the priesthood. It was a very difficult time for me and her. I was not in love with her and I knew that and I felt God calling me to the Priesthood finally I decided I couldn’t keep leading her on so i ended my relationship with her, she was, at the time, devastated. We sadly havn’t spoken much since but she is with someone else now and she seems to be doing well. I am still discerning the Priesthood very seriously and I will probably apply to he seminary soon. I know that for me ending my relationship with my girlfriend was the right decsion, but I still dont know if God is calling me to be a priest. and one thing that I learned through my experience was that you cannot discern two things at once.

God has a plan for you, He may not be ready to reveal it to you yet. you have a lot of praying to do. the psalms say "I will wait upon the LORD. . . " it seems to me that you need to wait for Him, All will be revealed in His time. I will pray for you. And will pray to St. John Vianny. May God bless you and Guide you.
 
mercer87 said:
Hello,
I am a 22 year old man in Pennsylvania who is in a relationship and I feel the desire to marry my girlfriend when we both graduate. We have discussed this and she feels the same way. We actually got together largely because she called to check on me because I missed Sunday Mass due to sickness (we’ve known each other since we were kids). About a week later we shyly asked each other out out and we’ve been together since then (about a year and a half). We had been attracted to each other for years but neither of us were actively seeking a relationship, which leads me to think this was an intervention from the Lord.

If we hadn’t gotten together, I would be at the seminary right now. However, my desire to become a priest has grown stronger as our relationship has grown deeper. I have been considering the priesthood since I was 16. But I am too emotionally attached (even bonded) to my girl to consider leaving her, and I would never forgive myself if I would break her heart like that, which would not be good for my ability to minister as a priest. Also, her involvment in my life has given me someone to share my faith with and has helped me tremendously in my attempts to expand it. As such, my frustration is growing with the rules governing priestly celibacy (we have remained celibate in our relationship until we marry, by mutual agreement), and it grew even higher when I read a story in the bulletin concerning a father (still married) and son who had been Anglican priests and converted to Catholicism and were ordained Catholic priests and concelebrated Christmas Mass. I know it’s a bad and spiritually unhealthy feeling, but I felt (and still feel) like the older son in the Prodigal story. “I’ve been a loyal, active Catholic boy for years, but because I’m in love the fatted calf is held from me. Yet when the prodigals return, they receive it.” I admit I have fallen into the sins of jealousy and envy. They have what I can’t have.

She knows about this and has advised me to enter the diaconate program when I’m old enough and we’re married, but I don’t feel a diaconal vocation right now (I believe the diaconate and priesthood are two separate vocations). I may as I get older, but as of now the call to the priesthood is gnawing at me. It seems as if I’d be a deacon for the wrong reason, i.e., I can’t be a priest, but I can be a deacon so I’ll go that route. It’d be like I was just “settling” to be one.

I feel saddened because I really want to serve as a priest and I feel called to do so, but the attitude I get from the Church is that since I have the temerity to require a woman’s love to be complete as a person I am “unworthy” of the priesthood. I went to a Catholic all-boys high school, and many of my classmates feel this way. Many young men in my class wanted to serve the Lord as ordained ministers, but they were put off from it. Not by celibacy itself, but the attitude that surrounded it.

I would appreciate any help that can be offered, as I feel like I may explode soon.

Edward
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I wish I had good words to help you (just a hunch, stick with the girl: she sounds like a God-send). Unfortunately all I have are prayers, which I will offer for you. God bless you.
 
Dear Edward,

Although, I cannot totally compare your situation and mine, but the feeling being pulled into two direction is understandable. I am a contemplative nun and once in a while “roaming around” in the web world to find out if there is a specific intention from somebody that need to be prayed specially, and I will pray for you. Currently I am discerning also for another “possibility” of living my contemplative way of life. I am drawn more and more into solitude and wondering if God calls me to be an eremit. I know both are good, I am happy with my life now and with my community and congregation, but when I started to feel the “disturbance” to leave them all behind…I know how is it feel of about to explode…I mean we really need to be still and be at peace to encounter to “small voice” within.

The point that I want to say to you is, it takes time to really be able to see the clarity of your vocation. Your relationship with your girlfriend is actually not yet too long, doesn’t mean that it is not a genuine one though, and you are also 22 years old which is quite young. Some of my priest friends start their initial formation at the age late twenties. It is also very good of you to open this up to your girlfriend…It is always good when your start things with honesty. At this point of time, our Church believe that celibacy is necessary for the priesthood and certainly there are reasons for that, because it was not like that before…It is good to seek more understanding about priesthood and marriage life, because none are better than the other. We are called into love and service and also to a life of holiness whoever we are and whatever our choices of life. Becoming a priest is not the only way to serve, neither it is a higher degree of vocation. Once you understand the choice and what is entails of it, you will be responsible of it.

The suggestion to distancing from your girlfriend for a while also good, to be able to experience the aloneness, which somehow is a part of a vowed life, especially in the vow of celibacy. I know it is not easy to find a Spiritual Director, but still it will help a lot, and if God wants it, you will find one, pray for it and just be keen and sensitive and see how God works wonder for you…

Peace and Love in Christ,
Terescj
 
I appreciate all the replies. 🙂 I can’t really take the advice to take time off because we spend roughly 8 months apart anyway since she goes to college at Wheeling Jesuit and I stay in Pittsburgh (we only see each other on some weekends and her breaks, and it’s agony). I’m looking for a spiritual director right now, but as was pointed out, they’re difficult to track down. My girl has been very supportive of me and let me rant and rave about it for months, but she admits she doesn’t have the answers I need. I’m contemplating writing to the bishop and asking him about it (he seems to be a bishop who takes the time to help individuals in addition to the diocese as a whole).

God bless you all,
Edward
 
Another thought too: God put this wonderful woman in your life for a reason, and if you can make it work long-distance (something many couples can’t pull off), then maybe a future with her is something you should seriously explore.

Ok, back to praying 🙂
 
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