Feelings for a man who doesn't know what his Vocation is

[rc_trad]

I met a Catholic man at a Parish a few years ago. I was very fond of him from the first moment I saw him and met him. I came to learn that he felt the same way about me.
We began to date each other to discern whether we were called to marriage and also, whether we were called to marry each other. After two dates, he sat me down and told me that he was unsure of whether God was calling him to the Priesthood or marriage and that it felt it was right I should know that. I came to realise that he was in the seminary for quite a number of years before he left the seminary for reasons I am not aware of. I was quite upset when he told me as by this point, I had grown to like him very much but of course I was willing to do what was right and let whatever needs to be, be. He made it clear that he felt it was important that we continued to talk to each other so much through texting and to see each other, all the while he was unsure about us. We went our seperate ways at the start of the year as I felt deeply unsettled being so involved with someone yet being unaware of my future with him. Things got so complicate as he was going through a lot go personal, health and family issues and it all just got so much and I felt like I wasn’t helping.
We still talk to this day (on average about once per week) and I suppose I still have hope that we will end up together but then I am thinking these horrible thoughts such as was and is he using me? I get really upset and emotional about it. A few months ago he said to me that he just did not feel he is called to marriage, that he could see himself as a husband, but not as a father and having children. He still talks to me to this day and compliments me and talks sweetly to me but I just don’t know what to do. I’ve prayed about it but have not received an answer yet.
Should I wait or move on?

 

[Anesti33]

Have you had any dates or outings with other eligible men, or have you placed all your eggs into one basket? It seems there should be a man out there who isn’t so afraid of commitment.

 

[rc_trad]

I have placed all my eggs + plus another one hundred eggs in the very one basket.

 

[Irishmom2]

I think it is time to empty those eggs out and get a couple of new baskets as well.

You have known this man a few years. He left the seminary. After a few dates, he revealed that he didn’t know his vocation. He was nice, and said nice things and you were there for him during his personal, family and health issues.

And yet, you and he are not together.

It’s all nice to say “we are friends,” but it does not appear this relationship is ever going to go anywhere. If marriage and children are your eventual goals in life, I think it is time to move on. He has shown that he is not interested in more than you being someone he talks to for advice and friendship.

Unfortunately, you may mistake that for the hope of a future where there isn’t one.

I think you should lessen your contact, if you still have any with him, and begin looking for someone else.

If anything, do you really want someone who, in several years, has not felt a spark strong enough to make up his mind one way or the other? Get out there are meet new guys.

 

[Lara]

If he were to become a priest, he would need to be like a father to his parishioners. And if he were married, he would need to be open to life and fatherhood. It sounds like he’s not ready for either.

Perhaps you can help him by drawing him out and asking more questions. If that doesn’t seem possible, I think I’d let this fish go back in the ocean.

 

[White_Tree]

I came to realise that he was in the seminary for quite a number of years before he left the seminary for reasons I am not aware of.

He must have left the seminary for a reason. Possibly a very good reason, which could indicate quite clearly that his vocation is not the priesthood. You should ask him about it. What’s the worst that could happen?

I am thinking these horrible thoughts such as was and is he using me?

What do you think he is using you for? Is it costing you anything or harming you in any way?

Talking once a week seems relatively harmless to me. It’s not like this friendship is preventing you from seeing other men if that were something you actually wanted to do. And it’s perfectly reasonable to maintain close friendships with someone you’re not married to. So what is your concern here?

Look at it this way. It seems like you’re really into this guy, but neither one of you knows whether this is right. That’s understandable. It’s often difficult to discern the true longings of the heart.

But it sounds a bit like you’re treating him with kid gloves, afraid to get too close. I’m basing that assumption on the fact that you don’t know why he left the seminary. I would absolutely ask that question to one of my friends. Heck, I would ask that question to a stranger. The only thing which would inhibit me from probing into something like that if I were worried about what they would think and possibly blowing up the relationship.

So it sounds like you’re afraid to get too close to him, because you’re worried it might push him away. But if your alternative is to distance yourself from him anyways, then what are you afraid of? If you’re into this guy, you might as well take a risk and try to forge a closer mental and emotional relationship, and see what happens.

If it turns out he can’t handle that kind of closeness, well then maybe your friendship with him will be damaged, but at least you’ll learn something. On the other hand, the greater degree of closeness may cause him to develop feelings for you that he didn’t have before. Sometimes love takes a while to build. Yes, if your relationship blows up, you’ll have to go through some emotional trauma, but that will pass, and whatever happens at least you’ll both have more clarity, which is really what you want here, isn’t it?

I was using discussing his experience in the seminary as an example, but I’m speaking more generally about the level of mental and emotional closeness. It sounds like your feelings for him might be making you afraid to take risks.

As Kahlil Gibran says,

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning…

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

So take a risk, don’t be afraid of pain, and see what happens.

 

[Irishmom2]

What do you think she has been doing these past few years though? I think she needs to just end it and move on.

 

[MNathaniel]

Take your eggs out of this basket. Move on.

For whatever reasons, which it isn’t your journey to figure out on his behalf, this man is struggling (and apparently not very productively) to find his vocation. He left the seminary (probably a good move; we only need the most committed men in seminaries, and anyone who leaves (unless chased out by abuse etc), it’s probably good that they left).

He’s “going through a lot” (personal, health, family issues), which is also a red flag; yes, we all deal with things in life… but this man sounds like he may be unusually overwhelmed by whatever his issues are, which again, is a red flag when considering a spouse. He’s not coping well with his existing issues; how ready can he be to take on the additional needs of a wife and children? And he took advantage of your friendship as an emotional support, though it seems clear he has no intention of committing to you as a husband or father to your children (he has even told you outright that he can’t see himself having children. Run, girl, run!).

If you stay in this situation, I’m concerned your upset feelings may only worsen and fester, possibly turning into scorn for the man (and scorn is toxic). Take it from someone who’s been there.

Think of it this way: don’t you want to be pursued by a man, who seeks you out, and treats you like the beloved daughter of God you are? Don’t you want to be able to rely on your husband to have the strength to help you cope with your own struggles in life… and not have the dynamic seemingly always draining the other way? It may hurt, but remember that men do tend to pursue what they really want. Unfortunately, for this man, that doesn’t seem to be you. If he’s not pursuing you (and I don’t mean, doing the bare minimum to keep you at arms length on the hook waiting around for him, or waiting for you to ‘come around’ to lowering your expectations and sacrificing your standards and dreams for him), it’s because he doesn’t want you. Not like that.

It hurts, but there’s such peace on the other side of accepting it and moving on. God has good things planned for you. Stop waiting around for someone else to act in a way they seem disinclined to. Pray. Turn to God yourself, on your own. Let God tell you how much more than this you’re worth.

 

[Irishmom2]

@MNathaniel, wish I could like your post more than once!

 

[MNathaniel]

Aww, thanks mate! Yes, I’ve certainly been in a situation similar to this one, so I’m happy if anything I can share from what I learned from it, can help anyone else move forward.

 

[TheLittleLady]

That is the problem. We are not going to marry just because we grow close in dating someone.

I am thinking these horrible thoughts such as was and is he using me?

He was being in a close friendship with you. That is not “using you” (unless there are things you have not divulged).

The best advice anyone every gave me is “get out of your head and realize, he is just not into you.” This man, even moreso a man who is torn about a religious vocation.

It seems he wishes to remain friends. If you cannot do that, if it causes you too much turmoil of emotions, then be frank “I cannot be your friend. I will pray for you, but, do not call me anymore”.

 

[PennyinCanada]

You know over this past year, that you helped him emotionally and you only talk once a week? That he’s not interested in marriage and children?
You can’t get that year back.

It’s time to move on.

 

[otjm]

We still talk to this day (on average about once per week) and I suppose I still have hope that we will end up together but then I am thinking these horrible thoughts such as was and is he using me?

Asking for advice from complete strangers always brings a risk, if not multiple risks.

I am presuming that both of you have been fairly well open and honest with each other.

Having said that, and your comments about his being torn between marriage and priesthood, and his comments about not wanting children or perhaps not being able to envision himself as a father, I guess the question may be not so much is he using you, but rather, are you using him?

If your intent is to marry, and he has been at best ambivalent in response, then why are you continuing in the relationship rather than moving on? Yes, there are feelings toward him; but is this a risk issue you are not willing to take - to move on? In other words, are you using him to avoid change?

Obviously change could mean you meet no one with whom you would want to be married…

 

[catholiclala]

Move on. If you have deep feelings you need to cease communication. I don’t know of any instances like this that work out favorably for the person pining for the unrequited love. Men are pretty straight forward with their romantic interests and don’t change. If he isn’t into you now, he won’t be later. Even if he were later you could never be able to trust it, nor should you, and you would always be insecure. This man sounds wishy washy about EVERYTHING. So is that a good choice for a husband anyway? You’ve wasted a lot of time here, don’t waste more.