Female friend coming on to me

[MJJean]

You know, ordinarily I would agree but the above quote shows an aggressive behavior. I make my comment not based on sexual orientation but in spite of it. A man, who did the same thing to an adult woman would have physical and occupational, and perhaps legal repercussions.
“Copping a feel” as harmless and 1950s as that sounds can indeed be a form of sexual assault. As it should be.

I got the impression from the post that the grope happened outside of the professional setting when they were hanging out and chatting. If that’s the case it should have nothing to do with her job. If it was outside of work while they were being social it has to do with their friendship and setting boundaries.

 

[iepuras]

I got the impression from the post that the grope happened outside of the professional setting when they were hanging out and chatting. If that’s the case it should have nothing to do with her job. If it was outside of work while they were being social it has to do with their friendship and setting boundaries.

It is unclear whether the grope or the comments happened in a social setting or during a therapy session, or both. The OP’s friend is blurring the lines between friendship and a professional relationship when she should be extra vigilant and careful.

I am in a profession that requires licensing by the state. I will not provide services to friends because I do not wish to blur those lines. I wish to protect my friendships and my source of income. Both could be in jeopardy if I blur those lines.

 

[MJJean]

It is unclear whether the grope or the comments happened in a social setting or during a therapy session, or both. The OP’s friend is blurring the lines between friendship and a professional relationship when she should be extra vigilant and careful.

I am in a profession that requires licensing by the state. I will not provide services to friends because I do not wish to blur those lines. I wish to protect my friendships and my source of income. Both could be in jeopardy if I blur those lines.

I mentioned in the first post I made on this page that this kind of thing is why it’s not a good idea to blur those lines. I heartily agree with you.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I got the impression from the post that the grope happened outside of the professional setting when they were hanging out and chatting. If that’s the case it should have nothing to do with her job. If it was outside of work while they were being social it has to do with their friendship and setting boundaries.

ok. If the assault was outside of the work environment then work would not be involved. I’m not sure why that matters here…

If they are friends, the woman was aware of the OPs heterosexuality and was attempting to pursue something that was clearly wrong. If it was work related then work would be involved. Either way, touching a woman’s breast on purpose to try to sexuality them when uninvited is sexual abuse/ misconduct/ assault. Keep in mind that if the OPs friend had a male appendage then every single comment on here would be in unison.

The fact is that society has portrayed homosexuality in such a lovable laughable light that we do not see the reality for what it is. A sexual adult touching the erogenous zones on another adult without permission. Even in a strip club that gets you roughed up…

 

[AnneElizabeth]

…The masseuse hasn’t done anything wrong here…yet.

…

Not understanding how you don’t see how another adult touching you sexually without your consent- even if quickly and covertly or even if they are your friend- is ok and not wrong. ??? !!!

 

[QuasiCatholic]

You know, ordinarily I would agree but the above quote shows an aggressive behavior. I make my comment not based on sexual orientation but in spite of it. A man, who did the same thing to an adult woman would have physical and occupational, and perhaps legal repercussions.
“Copping a feel” as harmless and 1950s as that sounds can indeed be a form of sexual assault. As it should be.

I think On_The_Hill might have a point – it’s hard to know based just on the OP’s description of things though.

Girls tend to be sort of touchy feel-y with their friends. If I was with a woman I knew was a lesbian and she brushed lint off my chest, yes, I might wonder what her motive was. But if I was with any other woman I would probably wouldn’t think twice about it. The truth is there is nothing the OP describes that isn’t sort of standard female friend behavior:

1. Telling each other you’re attractive - check!
2. Looking at Facebook photos - check! (What are they there for if not to look at?)
3. Laughing about silly jealous significant others – check!
4. Brushing lint off each other - check!

If a guy did that stuff I’d say yes, he’s hitting on you. If a woman does it, I’d say it’s anybody’s guess.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I think On_The_Hill might have a point – it’s hard to know based just on the OP’s description of things though.

Girls tend to be sort of touchy feel-y with their friends. If I was with a woman I knew was a lesbian and she brushed lint off my chest, yes, I might wonder what her motive was. But if I was with any other woman I would probably wouldn’t think twice about it. The truth is there is nothing the OP describes that isn’t sort of standard female friend behavior:

1. Telling each other you’re attractive - check!
2. Looking at Facebook photos - check! (What are they there for if not to look at?)
3. Laughing about silly jealous significant others – check!
4. Brushing lint off each other - check!

If a guy did that stuff I’d say yes, he’s hitting on you. If a woman does it, I’d say it’s anybody’s guess.

All of that is true. And I would even add accidentally brushes up against your bosom. But that is not what the OP said was it. She said it was obvious and it made her uncomfortable and pull away. This was done on purpose. Come on! You know that. And you know that if it was a creepy guy that did it, you would have a different answer. I charitably assume the OP knows what is a sexual touch and what is not.

 

[QuasiCatholic]

But that is not what the OP said was it. She said it was obvious and it made her uncomfortable and pull away.

I call phooey on that, though. If someone obviously groped you in a sexual way you probably wouldn’t walk away without saying anything about it. And you definitely wouldn’t need to go online and ask for opinions on: “Morally, do I need to cut off contact with her?”

She’s not even saying she WANTS to cut off contact with her. She’s asking if she’s morally obligated to or whether it’s OK if she keeps seeing her (which appears to be what she actually wants despite the "groping).

 

[MJJean]

ok. If the assault was outside of the work environment then work would not be involved. I’m not sure why that matters here…

If they are friends, the woman was aware of the OPs heterosexuality and was attempting to pursue something that was clearly wrong. If it was work related then work would be involved. Either way, touching a woman’s breast on purpose to try to sexuality them when uninvited is sexual abuse/ misconduct/ assault. Keep in mind that if the OPs friend had a male appendage then every single comment on here would be in unison.

The fact is that society has portrayed homosexuality in such a lovable laughable light that we do not see the reality for what it is. A sexual adult touching the erogenous zones on another adult without permission. Even in a strip club that gets you roughed up…

C’mon, we all know touching is only verboten at the strip club if you haven’t come to a satisfactory financial arrangement with the dancer in the VIP room.

I said earlier I’d handle it in the same way if it were a man who had done it. Heck, I’ve had to handle both! So, no, it’s not that there is something socially more homosexual-friendly going on here. It’s just that this kind of thing is so common. Guys “accidentally” brush up on women all the time. Women “accidentally” brush up on men. I could argue if this was posted by a guy and a girl “accidentally” brushed up against his crotch with her behind no one would even think sexual assault.

Not understanding how you don’t see how another adult touching you sexually without your consent- even if quickly and covertly or even if they are your friend- is ok and not wrong. ??? !!!

In secular society briefly brushing a woman’s clothed breast, under a pretext no less, is so innocent not many would think of it as sexual touching. Remember, we’re talking about a woman from a different culture, so to speak. She lightly flirted and didn’t get a no, so she naturally escalated to a brief touch to gauge response in hopes of a favorable outcome. On any given Friday/Saturday night you can watch the same scene play out over and over at any bar, a lot of restaurants, and some movie theatres. Flirting and then graduating to touch for a more definitive response is how hook-ups work.

 

[GoldenSeal]

SSA’s want “equality” Well here it is. What she did to you was sexual misconduct. If a man touched your breasts on purpose he would be “punched, fired, and perhaps arrested.”

This person is dangerous. As dangerous as a man who will not take no for an answer. Get away.

I absolutely agree. What I don’t understand is why you would go back to her at all, and especially that you would go back without saying anything. It’s as if you’re telling her that you want more of the same.

I, too, appreciate the pain-relief of a good massage. Find a different masseuse. Your “friend” must know she was out of line, so technically you don’t owe her any explanation. If you wish to explain, you don’t need to say much.

 

[pianistclare]

Is your friend a licensed massage therapist? What she is doing is not only unprofessional but likely against the code of conduct of the licensing board. She could lose her license (and income) over this behavior. I agree that it is also sexual harassment. I suggest you tell her how unprofessional she is and find another massage therapist. You may not be able to receive as much therapy as you would like but at least you will have a professional who will not harass you and take advantage of your friendship.

Yup. You need to separate yourself form this “friend of the family” and decide if the friend is worth more than the unprofessional that you are paying.
Sounds messed up.
I’d get another therapist.

 

[angell1]

I think On_The_Hill might have a point – it’s hard to know based just on the OP’s description of things though.

Girls tend to be sort of touchy feel-y with their friends. If I was with a woman I knew was a lesbian and she brushed lint off my chest, yes, I might wonder what her motive was. But if I was with any other woman I would probably wouldn’t think twice about it. The truth is there is nothing the OP describes that isn’t sort of standard female friend behavior:

1. Telling each other you’re attractive - check!
2. Looking at Facebook photos - check! (What are they there for if not to look at?)
3. Laughing about silly jealous significant others – check!
4. Brushing lint off each other - check!

If a guy did that stuff I’d say yes, he’s hitting on you. If a woman does it, I’d say it’s anybody’s guess.

i don’t know what kinds of friends the rest of you have, but my female friends definitely do not do that. as touchy feely some girls might be, it’s usually more like hugs or arm linking. no groping involved, or sexual comments about your body. that’s just weird

 

[SMGS127]

To the OP:

Your therapist probably doesn’t understand that it’s making you uncomfortable. I’m not saying she’s 100% not hitting on you or even that it’s playful flirting (as opposed to seriously looking to date you), but there’s always the possibility she may just be airing her attractions in a way she feels you’ve been comfortable with. This doesn’t mean she thinks you’re lesbian and it doesn’t mean she is trying to sleep with you.

However, you need to be very clear with her that her behavior is making you uncomfortable. Some girls are more expressive and/or touchy-feely than others (I’ve had [straight] girls grab my breasts before!), which might explain a lot of her behavior. She hasn’t had a negative response from you, which may be providing her errant positive feedback on it. But if you do value her friendship (or even her position as the only deep tissue masseuse you can see), you should be upfront (but polite!) with her about how it’s making you feel. If she respects it, you’ll know she didn’t mean to upset you. If she doesn’t, you’ll have a much clearer idea of how much she respects you as a person, and your choices then should become more obvious.

I flirt with my straight female friends all the time. I don’t really mean much by it. Some are very unreceptive and I immediately cease. Others love it and return it (but obviously don’t mean anything by it), and, in some cases, have been mistaken by third parties for my girlfriend. It’s fun and silly and doesn’t really mean anything – they don’t have to worry about me trying to sleep with them if they return it, since I know they’re straight. The fact that she told you explicitly she has a girlfriend makes me think very clearly that she’s not trying to hit on you (e.g. go after you) but rather just flirt with you (e.g. have fun banter). She probably thinks you’re okay with it. Again, you are her friend, not merely her client.

As I and others here have said, you need to tell her upfront how it’s making you feel. I think you’ll find her behavior will change drastically when you tell her it makes you uncomfortable. But again, if it doesn’t, you’ll also know that this isn’t a woman you should be friends with.

 

[SMGS127]

i don’t know what kinds of friends the rest of you have, but my female friends definitely do not do that. as touchy feely some girls might be, it’s usually more like hugs or arm linking. no groping involved, or sexual comments about your body. that’s just weird

Really?

I mean, different girls are different, but honestly most girls I’ve been friends with have been girls who did that kind of stuff. Some girls wouldn’t be that way with me specifically because they knew I was lesbian, but were with girls in general. A lot of my close friends in college were like that with me all the time. My old roommate and I used to tease each other about our bodies. And I hear these kinds of comments all the time in locker rooms.

I mean, the comments don’t really occur in public, but as the example in the OP is of two female friends in a private room together, it doesn’t particularly strike me as strange for a woman to make comments she thinks are fun or playful or even light flirting (as she is a lesbian and used to interacting with women on this level) to another woman. She might even errantly think she’s easing the tension of seeing the OP partially naked in a clinical setting. Heck, I’ve even had (assumedly straight? I don’t know) OB/GYNs joke with me in the middle of an annual to try to ease the awkwardness.

No matter what, I think this is completely different than if it were a man and the situations should not be compared.