Fertility over 40 and trusting God

[michrist1024]

Hi,

I made an error of pming some people I thought I could help…but it was pointed out that I needed to create an official post so here goes…

I am new…long story short…visited the forum for some confirmation on something…longer story short…i am 42 years old. Remarried to my wonderful DH since Jan 06…he will be 51 at the end of this month. I have a stepdaughter 20, and my son is 14 yrs…my DH takes to him and vice versa as if it were his own. I am currently leaving the tvl profession to answer God’s call to the nursing field…I have been accepted and will start full time in Aug of this year. DH being able to support us during the 22 mos enables me to not have to work while going to school though it will be tight. Recently (Apr 23) I had a miscarriage at about 6 weeks.

Now my question! I found the forum in searching on informaton about dontdoit group as DH was going to have a vasectomy to prevent further anguish to me and what we also felt “our” but God’s plans were for me to go into the nursing field (to answer Jesus’ question “what have you done for my children”) and also since he does renovations…he ‘sees’ himself somewhere building ‘huts’ for the unfortunate.We were falling prey to the thought process that the church is wrong…church rules not “God” rules biblical etc…however in research We see now this was a HUGE error…and PRAISE GOD! we now even at this age are open to his plan. To be honest since my mom went through the change at 39, I always thought I would follow and not be able to conceive…I see God may have other plans! Anyway I read all about NFP and I’m not keen on it…basically our stance is this…“let go and let God”…now the thing that I guess concerns me or worries me…is I am 42 now…I suppose without using anything then I “could” have maybe 7 more! …b/c again we don’t want to use any sort of method.

I do believe he will not give us more than we can handle…I do believe it’s God’s ultimate choice…but I guess what I’m asking is …is it irresponsible to leave it completely up to God as in we are not using discernment i.e. NFP and we may be biting off more than God intended…or is it if you do believe God has wisdom over all…you just simply wouldn’t get pregnant with that many more at my advanced age etc… I have concerns as I’m starting nursing school…finances etc…but since my DH and I do not have a child between us…we are more than open to that blessing now…not sure how I will juggle classes and such…but I do know through God all things are possible…I am even open to having 3 more if that’s his will…I say an arbitrary number as our house is small! However…I do believe if he does bless us…he will also provide…but there are many in conventional thinking/world thinking that thinks this is craziness…to just think that…I just wondered what your thoughts were on this.

I didn’t want to post a general message…as there can be some harsh feedback…but anyway interested on some “older” moms thoughts on this I guess…I pretty much know that I will trust and continually pray on it with God…I do feel that you can’t go wrong when you are constantly asking for his guidance…and children are always a blessing in that context.

Thanks for reading,
Michele

 

[Chovy]

I’m not an older mom, but I am a child of an older mom.

When my mom turned 39, she had 1 child starting Catholic college and 3 in Catholic grade school. She didn’t work outside of the home, and my dad was gainfully employed full time, yet financially things were very very tight. My brother had just started kindergarten and my mom was really struggling with her place in the world. What should she do with her life now that her children were all in school? Frankly, she was quite depressed to think that she “no longer mattered.” (her words, definitely not mine)

She got pregnant with me, totally on accident (my parents did not do anything one way or another to try to avoid or conceive at this point in their marriage), and cried for 3 months, because she couldn’t imagine being a mother at 40. Her mother had died at 62 and she was worried about if she would live to raise me. My dad got hurt at work, and was on leave while the accident was investigated, tuition bills were mounting, trip to disneyworld that had been planned for years got canceled, and instead a new baby was the way? We went to Disneyworld the next year and financially they made it through 5 12-year catholic educations and 5 college educations.

Fast forward 32 years. My mom could not be any happier that I came along. She says I kept her young. She could not have imagined a greater blessing from God than to get pregnant with me when she didn’t think it would/could happen. I completed our family, she says.

So in your situation, you indicate that you have plans to become a nurse and your husband may have plans to build shelter for the homeless. Both of these are worthy and admirable goals, and if indeed they are part of the Lord’s plan for you, I am certain you will see them through. If God chooses you to be a mother of another child, then the rest of the things will fall into place.

What is the saying, “Man plans and God Laughs?” When my mom found out she was pregnant with me, the doctor (who ended up saving my life during birth) said to her, “You know, if only those of us who were planned got conceived, it would be a very, very small world indeed.” In reality, your fertility has probably declined solely on account of your age, and so if I were you I wouldn’t worry so much about how many children you might end up with and would instead keep working towards your dreams while remembering that God has the final say in how your dreams come true.

 

[dulcissima]

I don’t really see how being open to life could be considered irresponsible. I’m 40 and have made the mistake of having a tubal ligation. If I were ever to remarry (after receiving a declaration of nullity) I would want to have my sterilization reversed and trust that God would know what was best. So, I would say, all of your plans at this point can be modified to go along with what God wants for you and your family.

 

[Jennifer_G]

My aunt’s mother (my uncle’s mother-in-law) was 47 when she had another baby. I guess you could look at it this way, Abraham and his wife had a child when they were in their 100s.

 

[masondoggy]

Well, look at it this way. The first command God gave to man was “be fruitful and multiply”…but he didn’t add a stipulation to slow down on being fruitful after 40.

It’s definitely NOT irresponsible to leave your fertility in God’s hands. God does not make mistakes, especially when He is creating babies. He will not give you any children that He does not intend you to have.

ETA both of my grandmother’s had babies in their 40’s. My Dad’s mom was close to 45! She stuck around until I was 20 years old and was a great influence in my life. My other grandma is still around.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Hi Michelle, I like it when the lurkers finally get up the courage to post. I’m sorry about your recent miscarriage and hope you’re doing okay.

…is it irresponsible to leave it completely up to God as in we are not using discernment i.e. NFP and we may be biting off more than God intended…or is it if you do believe God has wisdom over all…you just simply wouldn’t get pregnant with that many more at my advanced age etc…

I don’t think it is irresponsible to leave family planning up to God. Catholic husbands and wives don’t have to use NFP. You can also discern, one child at a time, if you have just reasons for using NFP to avoid pregnancy or more children. We often approach family planning rather backwards, asking ourselves if we have a just reason to have a child rather than asking if we have a just reason for avoiding them.

In our Creed, we express belief in the Lord, the Giver of Life. I firmly believe that it is our God who creates children, not the god Sex, not the goddess Choice. We cooperate with God, and He uses our actions and our bodies, to populate heaven.

I also happen to believe it’s not very likely that God will give a 42 year old woman seven more children. God can override this if He likes, but typically a woman’s fertility declines as her age advances, and miscarriage becomes more common. Seeing the end of our fertile years approaching can help us trust God more with our fertility. Declining fertility may help us realize that fertility and children are indeed blessings, and that there’s no guarantee we’ll become pregnant again or carry a baby full term. And once again, I am very sorry about your recent miscarriage.

 

[michrist1024]

Thank you all for your kind words/insights.

Upon further discussion with my DH last night…we realize that even if it’s unlikely…we’d welcome a dozen more…but b/c neither of us had that chance in our 1st marriages (to be blessed with more children b/c of our spouses) perhaps we could in this one! It’s funny how I thought I was “too” old…b/c we married in Jan 06…and never used any type of protection or anything for that matter (we waited until marriage to consumate b/c we wanted God’s blessing on our marriage…never did we fully realize what that entailed until now!) and I never even had a cause to think I really would get pregnant. We really considered us both to be blessed to each have a child from our previous marriages considering those marriages were filled with cheating/abuse etc…but God really does beautiful things for his glory…even though both of us married previously not fully consulting in his holy will…he still blessed us to glorify him…This time around we did know it was his will for us to marry.

I understand more miscarriages may be in my future b/c of my age…but I also know nothing is impossible when you trust in God…really I realized last night that my question is sort of silly…like a “duh”…b/c it’s never wrong to prayfully trust in God but it really would be great to have those blessings…and more awesome to be open to whatever happens…it’s just going to be a bit stressful with full time school coming up, but being accostomed to having been a single parent for 12 years before DH and working full time while getting pre reqs done for 2 years…it should all be doable…I really do need to TRUST in the Lord far more.

thanks again for all your kindness
in Christ,
Michele

 

[BlestOne]

Hi and Welcome!!! I was married in Aug 05 and I will be 44 in a few days. I recently was pregnant but unfortunately miscarried at 11 1/2 weeks. After my 2 week appointment on Tuesday, we will find out how soon we can try again. I have 4 kids from a previous marrage (3 living) and he has 1. We are hoping to have at least one but we are open to as many blessings as God feels fit to bestow upon us. If you want to talk, you can PM me if you would like…I am here quite a bit.